>is it normal for someone with bpd to seem content and distant after a breakup?

[ningrinas]

feeling a bit confused and lost right now. my partner (19) (who has bpd) and i (19) broke up recently due to him feeling overwhelmed due to university and said that the relationship was adding to that pressure. we had been together for about five years and after checking in with him after the breakup. he told me he has been feeling pretty happy and energetic lately with more free time, which im glad for, but it’s also leaving me with this feeling of uncertainty.

right now, im struggling with the fact that he seems so content and unaffected, while i’m still processing everything. it makes me wonder if he’s already moved on or if he’s just in a good place right now.

i know he’s been working through a lot of personal stress (uni, program applications), so i get that he might be trying to focus on himself. but it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be doing so well while i’m still dealing with so much emotional weight. its just feeling like i’m still grieving what we had but im scared he has moved past it / our connection tgt.

i’m trying to stay patient and respectful of his personal space but i’m finding it difficult to understand if this means he doesn’t want to reconnect or if it’s just a part of the bpd cycle.

i hope he comes back once things settle down. do you think there’s a chance he will? for those who have experienced or  been in similar situations, how do I make sense of this? Is it possible he’ll return when he’s in a better headspace, or is this his way of emotionally moving on? my adhd rejection sensitivity is just flying through the walls right now.

[once removed]

my adhd rejection sensitivity is just flying through the walls right now.

i deal with this myself. sometimes, when i feel like i can feel that sense that someone isnt interested me, particularly if they have been in the past, i suddenly cant stop thinking about it.

for some perspective on this, this is simply usually the way it goes for the person who did the breaking up, vs the person who was on the receiving end of it.

the person doing the breaking up has to some extent already grieved the relationship, while the person on the receiving end feels caught off guard, like the rug has been pulled out from under them. its a bit like the other person had a head start, and the person on the receiving end is trying to catch up.

they are just two completely different places to be, and that tends to be the case more and more as the relationship approaches an end.

that probably doesnt help very much emotionally; hopefully it helps to understand.

he seems so content and unaffected, while i’m still processing everything

what might help is to take yourself out of competition, here. remember, theyre two very different places to be in, and theres nothing inherently wrong, abnormal or unusual, with the place youre in; it just sucks. but when you put pressure on yourself to be where someone else is, or otherwise feel differently than you do, it makes you feel even worse. try taking the pressure off. let yourself grieve.

alternatively, if the place youre in is truly one of wanting to reconcile (ask yourself how much of this is caused by rejection sensitivity), then it would be a good idea to work on the Bettering/Reversing board.

[seekingtheway]

Adding to what Once Removed said about some people processing a break-up whilst in the relationship, which definitely does happen for the person who does the breaking up... I think that having the appearance of being totally fine after a break-up is also a fairly typical reaction for someone who has an avoidant attachment style. There can be a lot of distraction and pushing down of feelings as a way to deal with the breakup, and the feelings only hit a little way down the track once (if that person stays single that is. If they enter a relationship straight afterwards, it can stuff the feelings down for longer).

Whereas someone with a more anxious attachment will enter a state of rumination and pain, and can become fixated on restoring the connection in some way. Both are just different ways of coping with the hurt of separation. I'm not sure if this are the attachment styles you both have, but it's possible. Either way, it's very normal to be feeling pain and emotional weight after a break-up. So try and give yourself some time and compassion to feel those feelings.

Have you had any breakups previous to this one in your five years together?

To answer your question specifically about people with BPD - I think many people here on the boards have experienced their exes circling back around at some point. But it's not a given. My ex certainly did, but that wasn't necessarily a good thing as the same issues persisted in the various iterations of our relationship.

If you are hoping to reconcile, as Once Removed says, you might consider moving the conversation to the bettering board.

[ningrinas]

hi there, thank you for your advice, my partner does not have an avoidant attachment style at all until he is splitting i believe, but i also think he is secure at times. as for us, we’ve been together for 5 years and never broke up until now, which is part of why it’s so hard for me to process everything, usually when he splits and asks for a breakup he will come back to his senses maybe 1-2 days or so? but it has never lead to a breakup until 5 days ago.

[Pook075]

right now, im struggling with the fact that he seems so content and unaffected, while i’m still processing everything. it makes me wonder if he’s already moved on or if he’s just in a good place right now.

Borderlines tend to run from their problems instead of facing them directly.  With you, he's dealing with problems.  Without you, he can focus on other things.  That makes his life "seem" better for the moment because it is better emotionally. 

Note that "better" does not equal "healthier".  BPD's live off of emotions, and he's emotionally better for the moment.

It's also very likely that he's putting on a brave face to prevent everyone from seeing what's really going on inside.  He's thinking, "I'm not broken, she was the problem!"  Yet the 'problem' is still there and he has to hide it.  BPD's do this their entire lives.

[ningrinas]

hi, thank you for this, it really helps put things into perspective. it makes sense that things might seem better for him emotionally right now, even if it's not actually healthier in the long run. do you think hopefully he will want to reconnect ?

[seekingtheway]

hi there, thank you for your advice, my partner does not have an avoidant attachment style at all until he is splitting i believe, but i also think he is secure at times. as for us, we’ve been together for 5 years and never broke up until now, which is part of why it’s so hard for me to process everything, usually when he splits and asks for a breakup he will come back to his senses maybe 1-2 days or so? but it has never lead to a breakup until 5 days ago.

What were the dynamics like within the relationship?

Whether he was avoidant attachment or not, if he looks like he's doing great five days after the breakdown of a five year realtionship, he's most likely in avoidance mode at the moment. And as Pook mentioned, it sounds like he's hiding from the issues at hand, and the story he's running is that he's better off for now. But the emotions can sometimes flare once the reality of being alone sets in. It's hard to know how he will react at that point, but the best thing is probabaly to give him his space so he can process and come down from the overwhelm that he said he was facing without any additional pressure.

The question is, will the problems that led to the breakdown be resolved if he does end up coming back and wants to reconcile? It sounds like he's at least threatened a breakup a few times before?

[ningrinas]

hi there seeking, thank you for your thoughtful response. the problems that led to the breakup were mainly that he felt overwhelmed and drained from our relationship because of the amount of school stress hes dealing with right now, hes a graphic design/art major and has a lot of work piling up. his BPD symptoms tend to get worse during midterms or when he has a lot of exams, so I think it’s more of a situational issue that might pass once the stress eases up im hoping. he has suggested a breakup when he was splitting a couple of times before, but he would always come back a few hours later saying that the idea of a breakup made him anxious and that he couldn’t function without me.

What were the dynamics like within the relationship?

as for our relationship dynamics, id say it was overall pretty healthy. we were really close and comfortable with each other and we shared a lot and communicated openly. he was very open about his BPD and even tried to educate me on it so i could understand him better. when he would split, he’d usually ask me to give him space afterward and then come back to apologize. i think we had a dynamic where i was a source of emotional stability for him, and he trusted me a lot. he’s also trying his best to get help through his school’s therapy program but is dealing with some financial issues

[Pook075]

hi, thank you for this, it really helps put things into perspective. it makes sense that things might seem better for him emotionally right now, even if it's not actually healthier in the long run. do you think hopefully he will want to reconnect ?

There's a pretty good chance that he'll reach back out at some point; it's common for BPDs to discard a relationship and then try to reconnect.  Every situation is different though so it's very hard for anyone here to guess.

[seekingtheway]

So from what you're saying, you're hoping that you will be able to reconnect with him once he feels less pressure and and goes back to some level of calm? Is that right?

It often seems to be the case that people with BPD do circle back once overwhelm subsides, especially if the relationship ended on amicable terms and there isn't anyone else involved. But all people, whether they have BPD or not, are different and are motivated and driven by different things, so it's impossible for anyone to predict what might happen here.

From what you're saying, the only issue you had with the relationship is the fact he quite often gets overwhelmed and wants to break up in those moments. But it's worth remembering that that in itself can and will over time cause significant instability in the relationship if you do get back together, because it sort of sets a precedent that he can just break up with you in moments of overwhelm, rather than working through it with solutions. And it puts you in a position where you will potentially suffer a lot of anxiety, insecurity and abandonment wounds of your own because you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So it might be worth having a think about whether reconciling is actually what you want and need as well?

[ningrinas]

From what you're saying, the only issue you had with the relationship is the fact he quite often gets overwhelmed and wants to break up in those moments. But it's worth remembering that that in itself can and will over time cause significant instability in the relationship if you do get back together, because it sort of sets a precedent that he can just break up with you in moments of overwhelm, rather than working through it with solutions. And it puts you in a position where you will potentially suffer a lot of anxiety, insecurity and abandonment wounds of your own because you are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. So it might be worth having a think about whether reconciling is actually what you want and need as well?

 i’ve been thinking about that a lot, if we do reconcile, i really want to ask him to seek therapy at his university, he wants to as well but there’s a long waitlist. ive been reading some books about dating people with bpd, and i feel like if we both put in the effort and have some guidance, things could improve even just a little bit? i really love him, we have been together since all of high school and he’s helped me so much with figuring out my identity. i know it won’t be easy but i really want to try if he’s open to it. do you think that’s a good approach or is there anything else you’d suggest? thanks again!

[seekingtheway]

If he isn't already in therapy, it's most likely a good option for him. But definitely something that he needs to want for himself.

I also wonder if this break might be a good opportunity for you think about what you need. If he is the one who has broken up with you and you're just waiting for him to come back around, it puts all the power in his hands. And you're more likely to just agree to what he needs so as not to the rock the boat as it were. Whereas it would be more ideal that you are both holding an equal amount of power in the relationship, with equal focus put on your needs as well as his.

Even though it's hard, perhaps this is an opportunity to swing focus away from him for a minute, and think about what you want and need, so that you're ready if he does come back to stand in your power and advocate for yourself.

[ningrinas]

If he isn't already in therapy, it's most likely a good option for him. But definitely something that he needs to want for himself.

in this case, he’s actually said multiple times that he wants to get help at his university since they have psychiatry available but there’s a waitlist. i think the financial side of things is kind of pushing him away too but im not entirely sure how stuff like this works in american universities (im canadian). i totally get what you’re saying though because i’ve been so focused on his needs and hoping he’ll come back that i haven’t really thought about what i wanted in the long term.

[Pook075]

If he isn't already in therapy, it's most likely a good option for him. But definitely something that he needs to want for himself.

I also wonder if this break might be a good opportunity for you think about what you need. If he is the one who has broken up with you and you're just waiting for him to come back around, it puts all the power in his hands. And you're more likely to just agree to what he needs so as not to the rock the boat as it were. Whereas it would be more ideal that you are both holding an equal amount of power in the relationship, with equal focus put on your needs as well as his.

Even though it's hard, perhaps this is an opportunity to swing focus away from him for a minute, and think about what you want and need, so that you're ready if he does come back to stand in your power and advocate for yourself.

I completely agree!  Not that you're hoping that this doesn't work out in time, but to focus on yourself for now since that's the one path where you'll come out of this in a better place regardless of what he decides.  The more you get back to being you, the faster it will allow you to process this and actually heal.

[ningrinas]

I completely agree!  Not that you're hoping that this doesn't work out in time, but to focus on yourself for now since that's the one path where you'll come out of this in a better place regardless of what he decides.  The more you get back to being you, the faster it will allow you to process this and actually heal.

that makes a lot of sense. i’ve been trying to focus on myself more and process everything at my own pace. we had a really open conversation last night where i shared how i was feeling/checked in with him, and he was really thoughtful and understanding. he mentioned that he feels healthier and healed since the breakup, like he has been taking care of himself more and focusing on his mindsets. it has definitely been hard, but i’m starting to realize that focusing on my own healing will help me no matter what happens between us

[ningrinas]

hi everyone heres an update:

so i talked to him yesterday about how he had been feeling, and he said he felt more healed and like he had moved on. i was feeling a little thrown off by that, especially since i’m still processing everything and having a hard time moving on. he seems to be doing a lot better, focusing on his own well being, and feeling happy and energetic, which i’m glad for him about, but it makes me question if this means there will be no hope for a future reconciliation.

[Pook075]

hi everyone heres an update:

so i talked to him yesterday about how he had been feeling, and he said he felt more healed and like he had moved on. i was feeling a little thrown off by that, especially since i’m still processing everything and having a hard time moving on. he seems to be doing a lot better, focusing on his own well being, and feeling happy and energetic, which i’m glad for him about, but it makes me question if this means there will be no hope for a future reconciliation.

First off, good for him if he's doing better mentally...regardless of how he got there.  It might not have been in healthy ways and he's likely to repeat the same mistakes he made in your relationship, so you must realize that he's talking about his current FEELINGS and not his overall mental health.  It's common for BPDs to FEEL BETTER after discarding someone because they're running away from dealing with complicated emotions.

Just keep in mind that feelings are temporary.  For example, I was really happy this morning because my wife brought me coffee in bed as I was waking up.  But I won't be happy about that the rest of my life.  It was simply a feeling in the moment that reminded me of why I love her.

His feelings will change continually based on what's happening around him.  So don't buy the "no hope" narrative just yet.  Give it time and focus on yourself, your long-term health and stability.

[Notwendy]

but i’m starting to realize that focusing on my own healing will help me no matter what happens between us

Focus on that. It's not possible to predict the future. Although it feels hurtful now, each of you still have a lot of growth ahead of you. It is possible for people who met in middle school or high school to decide to marry later on. It's also possible they have grown in different directions and don't- but it's not a sad thing for them. A lot of growth goes on in college.

There may not be any other reason besides, your partner not feeling ready to stay committed and wanting to be single. There doesn't even need to be an interest in anyone else- he may just want to be single and have that experience.

Relationships are interdependent and the two of you have been a couple for a lot of your formative years. This situation isn't as common as young people being single for at least a part of these years and that is growth experience too. Many of your ex's college peers are probably single. Perhaps your ex wants this experience, and at 19, in college, it's feasable. Much more complicated if he were married, possibly with a family. So perhaps he's decided this is something he wants to experience before he settles down.

Why would he feel relieved and content? This is just one idea. Possibly because he's been thinking about this for a while now, and also, he doesn't want to be hurtful to you. I think this one reason why breaking up is so difficult to do. Even if a person has decided they need to do this, they know it's going to be hurtful to someone they do care about. So deciding to break up and how to do it is stressful. Once he did it, that stress is gone.

But back to your idea to focus on you, because this is beneficial regardless of the outcome. This is your opportunity to "be single" and while it is an adjustment for you- at age 19, it's an experience to learn from. This doesn't mean you need to go out and look for someone else immediately- it's OK to be single. This doesn't mean single forever either. Just some time to focus on your own growth for now.

[ningrinas]

heres another update? ive been reflecting a bit.

ive been reflecting on things a lot lately and i found myself rereading some of our old messages from 2022. he told me he realized i was his fp (favorite person), which really made me pause. i’m not sure how that could affect the breakup or where we go from here. i’ve been trying to understand his behavior and what might have led to this, and now with this new realization, i’m even more unsure of how it all fits together. it makes me wonder if this dynamic is something that will come into play if we ever reconnect.

[Pook075]

heres another update? ive been reflecting a bit.

ive been reflecting on things a lot lately and i found myself rereading some of our old messages from 2022. he told me he realized i was his fp (favorite person), which really made me pause. i’m not sure how that could affect the breakup or where we go from here. i’ve been trying to understand his behavior and what might have led to this, and now with this new realization, i’m even more unsure of how it all fits together. it makes me wonder if this dynamic is something that will come into play if we ever reconnect.

BPD's almost always have a favorite person, and it's someone that they see as doing no wrong, always having the perfect advice, always there for them no matter what, etc.  That's why BPD love interests are so incredible at first- they're all in on you because you're literally perfect for them...in their current mental state.

The problem is that the pedestal they've put us on is not based on reality- we're far from perfect and we can't meet that initial standard.  And when the BPD realizes that, instead of thinking that they made a mistake or set unrealistic expectations, they begin to question the entire relationship like we're the one that's somehow changed or sabotaged them.  So the relationship changes as they withdraw and begin to fear abandonment.

Once a favorite person is discarded, another one quickly takes their place...with the same ridiculously high expectations.  It could be a friend, co-worker, family member, or romantic interest.
 When that fails (which it will, become nobody is that perfect), old relationships are recycled and new favorites are sought out.  This is often a lifelong pattern and it can be extremely destructive.

[ningrinas]

Once a favorite person is discarded, another one quickly takes their place...with the same ridiculously high expectations.  It could be a friend, co-worker, family member, or romantic interest.
 When that fails (which it will, become nobody is that perfect), old relationships are recycled and new favorites are sought out.  This is often a lifelong pattern and it can be extremely destructive.

hi, thank you so much for your response and really helped me understand things better. he actually told me in 2022 that i was his FP, so i know for sure that i held that role for him
im wondering how that might have affected our breakup? could being his fp have made the breakup feel more intense or final for him?

and another question, if i want to try to reconcile with him, how might the fp dynamic play into that? would it make it harder for him to come back, or could it actually make him more likely to reconnect once he processes thingss

[Pook075]

im wondering how that might have affected our breakup? could being his fp have made the breakup feel more intense or final for him?

His self esteem relies so heavily on the relationships around him, that when the feeling of abandonment shows up it's like their entire world is crashing down, falling apart.  A healthy mind gets depressed but can self-regulate over time to get us through it. 

A BPD mind can fixate on the problems and continue getting more and more depressed, spiraling out of control.  This leads to disordered thinking and second-guessing everything they know as true.  It's super painful and they essentially torture themselves being stuck in that mindset.  It's too much to take so they discard the relationship and seek something fun/new to focus on.

and another question, if i want to try to reconcile with him, how might the fp dynamic play into that? would it make it harder for him to come back, or could it actually make him more likely to reconnect once he processes thingss

Well, you can answer that question yourself.  Think back to when you had a big argument with a best friend.  Did you want to reconnect?  Did you want to forgive?

BPD's go through splitting, which is black and white thinking.  With the white side, everything is always great, this person is never mean, and always trustworthy.  The opposite is that person was never there for me, they never cared and always abused me.

Notice the always/never in there...both are false.  It's thinking in absolutes when we're never all good or all bad.

Eventually, something clicks with the BPD on both ends of that spectrum.  They realize, "Hey, there was some good stuff there...it's not like they never cared about me..."  So they'll re-evaluate that relationship and possibly return to it.  Sometimes it's because of a failed relationship, sometimes it's just a tough time in life.  But they'll remember the good/bad and readjust their thinking.

Now, this doesn't always happen...sometimes shame and/or guilt keeps them from reaching out.  But the desire to repair the relationship does arise anyway.

You'll probably ask about timelines, and there's no answer for that.  Everyone is individual and processes things differently.  But you are talking to him again and that's a very positive sign.  Just don't rush anything and let him set the pace at first.  At the same time though, you must focus on yourself and what's best for you.  Don't accept abuse "for the greater good", don't walk on eggshells.  That just guarantees that the cycle will repeat.

[ningrinas]

You'll probably ask about timelines, and there's no answer for that.  Everyone is individual and processes things differently.  But you are talking to him again and that's a very positive sign.  Just don't rush anything and let him set the pace at first.  At the same time though, you must focus on yourself and what's best for you.  Don't accept abuse "for the greater good", don't walk on eggshells.  That just guarantees that the cycle will repeat.

hello! this really helped me understand things better. i think i see now how the breakup might have triggered that intense feeling of abandonment for him and why he’s been coping by exercising and staying active on social media, it makes sense that he is trying to distract himself from those overwhelming emotions.

i definitely want to be mindful of the advice you gave about not walking on eggshells and making sure i’m not over accommodating or ignoring my own needs just to avoid conflict. i know that’s not healthy for the both of us in the long run

that being said, do you think it would be okay to check in with him in about 3 weeks when he’s on his uni spring break? i’m hoping by then he’ll have had more time to process things and maybe be more open to reconnecting. im not planning to push anything, but i would like to see where he's at emotionally and if he’d be open to working things out. do you think that’s too soon or should i wait a bit longer?

thank you !

[Pook075]

that being said, do you think it would be okay to check in with him in about 3 weeks when he’s on his uni spring break?

I don't see why not, you guys have talked recently anyway so it seems that door is still open.  You should definitely let him to be the one to pursue you though overall.  But a quick, "hi, how are you doing..." kind of message should be fine.

[ningrinas]

I don't see why not, you guys have talked recently anyway so it seems that door is still open.  You should definitely let him to be the one to pursue you though overall.  But a quick, "hi, how are you doing..." kind of message should be fine.

thank you, that makes a lot of sense, i feel like the door is still open too since we've been talking here and there, so maybe a casual check in wouldn’t be too much since i had already asked him on friday about how hes been feeling.

when i check in, do you think it would be okay to push things a little further and ask more about how hes processing the breakup or how he’s been feeling about us? i asked him how the breakup was for him on friday and he was pretty open about it, so i feel like he might be comfortable going a bit deeper. i just don’t want to overstep or make him feel pressured if it’s still too early and stuff.

also another thing is, he told me i can still ask him for reassurance on friday which makes me feel like the door might still be open to reconnecting down the line. i guess i’m wondering how to navigate it. like how could i push for a reconciliation without making him feel pressured or overwhelmed? any advice on how to approach that balance would be really helpful!

[Pook075]

thank you, that makes a lot of sense, i feel like the door is still open too since we've been talking here and there, so maybe a casual check in wouldn’t be too much since i had already asked him on friday about how hes been feeling.

when i check in, do you think it would be okay to push things a little further and ask more about how hes processing the breakup or how he’s been feeling about us? i asked him how the breakup was for him on friday and he was pretty open about it, so i feel like he might be comfortable going a bit deeper. i just don’t want to overstep or make him feel pressured if it’s still too early and stuff.

also another thing is, he told me i can still ask him for reassurance on friday which makes me feel like the door might still be open to reconnecting down the line. i guess i’m wondering how to navigate it. like how could i push for a reconciliation without making him feel pressured or overwhelmed? any advice on how to approach that balance would be really helpful!

You can ask absolutely anything you want, but we can't predict how he will react or what may bother him.  In general, focusing on the past will bring up the feelings that led to the breakup, so it's better to avoid it if possible.  If he brings it up, fine.  Your conversations should be about you and what's happening in your life now...or what you're working towards in the future.  Likewise, talking about his current life is also a "safer" topic.

For the "reconnecting down the road", that's a slippery slope and he probably doesn't have an answer, or at least one you'd want to hear.  Rebuild basic trust and a friendship first, then see what happens.

[ningrinas]

hi all, a positive update:

so things have been feeling more positive lately. he’s been engaging with me first and even texted me out of nowhere. he a bunch of tiktoks late at night and chatted with me too it felt really natural like how we used to talk when we were together, which made me really happy.

i also finally sent/mailed him a gift i had prepared back in january. he was comfortable with me sending it and seemed eager, he even complimented my handwriting when i showed him a picture of the bubble mailer which i found was sweet.

yesterday also played some games together for hours and it reminded me of how we used to spend time together. i'm hoping this means we’re slowly rebuilding that connection. i’m still taking things slow and giving him space, but it feels like the door is still open so im hoping things keep moving in a good direction!