Struggling to Process My Ex’s Happiness After Our Breakup

[ningrinas]

feeling a bit confused and lost right now. my partner (who has bpd) and i broke up recently due to school stress and said that the relationship was adding to that pressure. we had been together for about five years and after checking in with him after the breakup. he told me he has been feeling pretty happy and energetic lately with more free time, which im glad for, but it’s also leaving me with this feeling of uncertainty.

right now, im gen struggling with the fact that he seems so content and unaffected, while i’m still processing everything. it makes me wonder if he’s already moved on or if he’s just in a good place right now.

i know he’s been working through a lot of personal stress (uni, program applications), so i get that he might be trying to focus on himself. but it’s really hard for me to wrap my head around how he can be doing so well while i’m still dealing with so much emotional weight. its just feeling like i’m still grieving what we had but im scared he has moved past it / our connection tgt.

i’m trying to stay patient and respectful of his personal space but i’m finding it difficult to understand if this means he doesn’t want to reconnect or if it’s just a part of the bpd cycle.

if theres anyone i can personally dm abt this please feel free to reachout, i have adhd as well so my rejection sensitivity has been crazy

[Notwendy]

I think it's just guesswork as to what your ex partner is thinking. With BPD, it is possible that the closer relationships are harder to manage emotionally but this may not be only a personal thing. It may be how he manages in general.

To add to the possible reasons, I saw from another post that both of you are 19.  If you have been together for 5 years, this is a lot of your formative years. Still, age 19 is still very young to be settled in a relationship. It's not that you did or didn't do something to cause this. A long term relationship may be more than he can manage and perhaps he's relieved of something he isn't emotionally ready to do.

In addition, college is a time of change and growth. Both you and your ex are maturing and so, for him, he may feel he wants to grow in a different direction. Again, this isn't all personal. It's about this stage of maturity.

We know that pwBPD have difficulty with uncomfortable emotions. It's possible your ex can compartmentalize his but again- this isn't only about you, it's how he manages it. 

I know that it feels hurtful right now. If this feels too overwhelming- please seek out counseling and if you in college, most have counseling at student health. Counselors have experience in supporting young adults through these experiences. Know that, you have the strength to get through this, and that this isn't all personal to you. You are still deserving of someone to care about you.

[ningrinas]

i agree with a lot of what you're saying. it’s just hard to make sense of everything. we’ve been through so much together from late middle school, all through high school, the pandemic, and now our first few years in university, so it feels like a really significant part of my life is tied to him. thats why it was so confusing to hear him say things like he wanted to share a future with me on my birthday in mid february, but then a few weeks later, say he can’t envision me in his future.

[Notwendy]

Yes, understandable that this is someone who has been such a big part of your life and this is hurtful. I don't think there's a definite explanation for why he did this and it may not be possible to actually know.

On your part, I hope you can focus on your emotional recovery and growth. It doesn't mean you are closing the door on this person if you do. If you ever were to reconnect in the future, you'd be older, wiser and better for the growth, and if you didn't- you'd still be older and wiser and better.

From the "mom" perspective, we parents don't choose who our kids love- but I wouldn't want my child to decide on their forever person at age 19 if I had any say. It doesn't mean they can't meet that person before that, but there's so much growth ahead still. It also doesn't mean one has to have a lot of relationships before choosing. It just means giving yourself the space to mature.

While it hurts that your ex chose to have the distance, it's also an opportunity for you to focus on yourself and your studies. First you need to go through the sadness, but there is a lot ahead of you to look forward to.

[ningrinas]

hi wendy, that makes sense. i am trying to focus on myself right now and i’ve been spending more time on my hobbies and trying to stay busy with my design studies, but i can’t help but still hope that he will want to reconcile at some point. it’s hard because i know i need to give him space and focus on my own growth, but deep down i really want things to work out between us eventually. i guess i’m just trying to balance those feelings without getting too stuck on the outcome as of now