no contact forever?

[CanBuild91]

It seems like one of the most common questions on this board is "will I hear from my ex again?" I'm interested in hearing from anybody with a perspective, but once removed, you mentioned your experience in another thread that makes me curious about your story. You mentioned being a caretaker of sorts, and not fathoming how your ex could take a bath without you drawing the water at the right temperature. And you mentioned being shocked that your ex could muster up the strength to end things, and stick to it. All of this sounds sadly familiar to me. I am curious though, even if you never got back together with your ex, did you ever speak again? Did the ice thaw? Were you ever blocked and did that block ever lift? And, did your ex move on with another partner?

Part of what gives me hope that my ex and I will speak again is that unlike in many people's stories where their ex jumps to another relationship, my ex doesn't seem to have dated at all 2+ years after our breakup. Curious if in people's experiences an ex failing to "move on" at least in terms of getting into another relationship raises the odds of contact at some point. Or if a total excommunication forever is the most likely scenario. 

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[Pook075]

To be honest, both are a real possibility because of the disordered thinking.

Quick story, my best friend's little sister has a personality disorder (don't know the diagnosis, either BPD or NPD).  She's cut literally everyone out of her life, I'm one of the few she's still okay with.

Maybe 10 years ago, the father of her best friend from childhood (another girl from the neighborhood we all grew up in) passed away in St. Louis.  All of us had moved on with life so we were all over the country, and we were texting each other to see who could make it.  My wife and I made the drive and booked a small suite because we thought we were bringing our kids, but at the last minute we found a babysitter for the few days.  So we had a bed/pullout couch available.

Well, the gal in question was coming with her husband and planned on staying with the best friend.  They had a massive drive of 15+ hours and along the way, we lost contact with them for whatever reason (maybe cell reception, maybe phones off).  The girl who's dad died didn't have time to clean her guest room though and we decided that the other couple could stay with me- we were all friends after all and fairly close.

So after maybe 12+ hours, the gal who's dad died gets a call.  They're passing though Kentucky and maybe an hour away.  The girl said that they'd be staying with me because under the circumstances, she didn't get to clean up enough.  My hotel was a few blocks away though and it would be fine.  But it wasn't fine- there was screaming.  The girl and her husband turned around and started driving back across Kentucky.

I unintentionally made matters worse though when the girl's brother called me and asked how things were going.  I told him his sister was headed back towards Florida, and he told me that she was at dinner with us.  No idea why, but she lied to her family.  And when they confronted her, she screamed at all of them too.  This was 10+ years ago and she still hasn't talked to her best friend, her parents, her brother, or anyone else involved with the whole situation...except for me.  She simply cut all of them out of her life without giving it a second thought.

This is an extreme example, but other members here have seen extremes all the time.  That's how debilitating this mental illness can be.

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I'm guessing this happens because we try to mend the relationship while invalidating the BPD's feelings.  Example- why would you drive 14 hours of a 15 hour drive, then turn around to drive 14 more hours, simply because you're staying with another neighborhood friend that you get along with really well?  The whole experience was nuts, but her feelings were real and she simply wanted people to understand how badly she wanted to stay with her best friend and comfort her (even though she did it in a toxic, unrealistic way).

More often than not, the BPD tries to recycle those relationships.  But unless we really dig into the specific circumstance, it's very hard to give more detailed advice on if/when a second chance could be given.

[once removed]

Part of what gives me hope that my ex and I will speak again is that unlike in many people's stories where their ex jumps to another relationship, my ex doesn't seem to have dated at all 2+ years after our breakup.

i want to preface this by saying that i dont think that anyones story can give you much insight on your own situation.

bpd traits are something that all of our stories have in common, but theyre only a piece of it. how the relationship played out, broke down, what happens next - these are all things that are unique to the two people personally involved.

in other words, there isnt a pattern in other people stories that can give you any predictability into what your ex will do or wont do.

I am curious though, even if you never got back together with your ex, did you ever speak again?

sort of. its pretty anticlimactic.

about a month out, i discovered that my ex was getting into an email account of mine that i didnt pay any attention to, and didnt know she had access to. she was mostly opening facebook messages between me and other women. at the time, i took that as a sign that she had second thoughts, and wanted me back. so i watched her do this for a while, and eventually, i planted an email in there addressed directly to her, that i thought would open that door. she did not take it well. some hours later, i got a notification that she had used my debit card, which i guess i had left at her place, for two purchases totaling around 80 dollars. it was revenge.

so at that point i texted her about exchanging belongings a few times. she was agreeable, but it was never going to happen - she was living with her new boyfriend, three hours away. i tried, a few times, to make it happen over the next few months, and eventually gave up. i changed my email password when i did.

the only other "contact" that we ever had after that, was that on two occasions, she sent me a facebook friend request, and then retracted it a few hours later.

that was it. that was over 14 years ago now. i was never blocked, and i never blocked her. she jumped into a new relationship immediately after we broke up - it was in the works before we did - they were together for around 4 years. i cant speak for her, but i have no ice. if she ever wanted to contact me she could, and i dont harbor any ill will, but i dont have any interest in speaking, and nothing to say to her.

[seekingtheway]

Hi CanBuild91,

My ex MIL who almost undoubtedly has BPD is now elderly, but I've watched her cycles with people in the last couple of decades. She has cut many, many people out of her life who were once very close to her, including her niece who she used to spend a lot of time with. But she eventually split on her so badly and shut her out, and was so rude and cold to her for many years... more than 15 years she was nasty and vindictive and would basically refuse to acknowledge her. It was very distressing for the niece, but eventually she just accepted it.

More recently my MIL has become quite ill mentally. Well, I think she's been ill mentally a long time, but it's become more pronounced lately and it's very sad to see. But, now that she's elderly, it's clear to everyone that it's nothing personal, she's just someone who sabotages every relationship around her because of her illness. The niece I'm talking about is a really good person and felt sorry for her and has tried very gently and patiently to reconnect with her to try and give her some care in what might be her final years of life. And my MIL has been accepting this and they now see each other sometimes. They have found some level of peace, but obviously the niece is accepting of the massive limitations my MIL has and is okay with that. I have a similar relationship with her after years of her treating me badly and cutting me out too. I have strong boundaries but things are stable and peaceful.  

This might not be the kind of story you were hoping for, but it came to mind because things can always unfold in unexpected ways.

But I also agree with Once Removed in saying that knowing other people's story is not how you'll be able to predict the behaviour of your ex, who is still an individual regardless of her BPD. I do know that feeling of wanting to know what might happen and looking for clues. But I think that hanging onto hope where none has been given can keep you stuck and stop you from focusing on your own healing - whereas the irony is that it's in that process  of letting go where massive growth can happen - and if the possibility of reconciliation presents itself after that point... then you are able to come back to it from the strongest place possible.