Boundary failure- so frustrated!

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, started with a new therapist and signed up for a parenting group that’s based on DBT and SHAPE from the BPD website. I’m looking forward to that.

I am very frustrated with myself. I have a serious problem holding boundaries and now I’m resentful. And sick.

My husband and I were lucky enough to buy a little place to spend winters in warmth – we still work - remote..

So the bottom line is –
1. I really like our life here in the winter.I do not want to return home early where my D is roughly located.

2. I cherish my time with my husband - we have fun -  and I do think that should come first. He’s super frustrated with our D & with me and my accommodating. It affects his life too. (She will not do this to him so it’s all on me).

3. When my D accuses me of not caring she is suicidal because I remain in our winter home or don’t take the 15th call in an hour, I struggle with a response.I validate. But feel guilty.

4. The other night after a circular phone call, I said I was taking a breather - would talk to her the next day. She refused to accept that. Call and call and call. So I did block her for that evening. She started texting from another #.
The accusation then- she can’t believe I blocked her when she was going to kill herself. What does one possibly say?.

5. Last night i offered  a compromise. I will go home for a weekend to spend time with her, with clear understanding I would be returning to my home and husband after- not staying in hometown permanently.
Argue, argue, argue.

I realize nothing will suffice except that.   I offer things in the moment out of compassion. I’m sorry I offered it now, but I don’t feel like I can walk it back?

It’s crazy-making and I’m keeping it going!! I know it.

How did you all break the cycle? What kind of responses worked successfully for you? How did you deal with your own emotions that a mom should do whatever for her kids? I know that’s silly because these kids don’t want normal asks.

I’m hoping my therapy will start to kick in fast!

[SoVeryConfused]

Hi, started with a new therapist and signed up for a parenting group that’s based on DBT and SHAPE from the BPD website. I’m looking forward to that.

I am very frustrated with myself. I have a serious problem holding boundaries and now I’m resentful. And sick.

My husband and I were lucky enough to buy a little place to spend winters in warmth – we still work - remote..

So the bottom line is –
1. I really like our life here in the winter.I do not want to return home early where my D is roughly located.

2. I cherish my time with my husband - we have fun -  and I do think that should come first. He’s super frustrated with our D & with me and my accommodating. It affects his life too. (She will not do this to him so it’s all on me).

3. When my D accuses me of not caring she is suicidal because I remain in our winter home or don’t take the 15th call in an hour, I struggle with a response.I validate. But feel guilty.

4. The other night after a circular phone call, I said I was taking a breather - would talk to her the next day. She refused to accept that. Call and call and call. So I did block her for that evening. She started texting from another #.
The accusation then- she can’t believe I blocked her when she was going to kill herself. What does one possibly say?.

5. Last night i offered  a compromise. I will go home for a weekend to spend time with her, with clear understanding I would be returning to my home and husband after- not staying in hometown permanently.
Argue, argue, argue.

I realize nothing will suffice except that.   I offer things in the moment out of compassion. I’m sorry I offered it now, but I don’t feel like I can walk it back?

It’s crazy-making and I’m keeping it going!! I know it.

How did you all break the cycle? What kind of responses worked successfully for you? How did you deal with your own emotions that a mom should do whatever for her kids? I know that’s silly because these kids don’t want normal asks.

I’m hoping my therapy will start to kick in fast!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hey...

I have been going through the very same thing.  It's referred to here as FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) and I feel as though my son is holding the fog blaster.

My husband and I also winter down south and I feel as though it will add years to my life because it is so good for my mental and physical health. 

My husband is not my son's biological father and has no patience or understanding of his behaviour.  For years I struggled with the guilt and the feeling that I was forced to choose between my husband and my son, and that I chose my husband.  I realize now that had I chose my son he would be running my life.

My suggestion to you is to read about FOG.  Do not allow your loved one's illness to cripple you, or your relationship with your husband.  Sadly, we always want to put our children first however when a BPD is given an inch, they want a mile.  So you give them a mile and they want to take you to Mars...

You will be okay.  It is okay for you to be happy and to have fun even when your child is hurting.  It's a hard concept to grasp. 

I don't know what to say about the fact that you offered to go home and now have a change of heart except to say that I understand.  When I feel weak I try to back off from communication.  I currently have my son blocked (due to text bombing and verbal abuse) and he also called yesterday from an unknown number.  I normally don't answer numbers that I don't recognize but I answered it.  He talked non-stop - I never get a word in - I just sat and listened and at the end he said thanks for listening and hung up.   I think it helped him, and I feel better too.

All the best

R

[CC43]

Hi there,

I understand the pain, as well as some anger around feeling manipulated all the time, that you can't feel happy if your daughter is struggling so much.  However, your daughter is an adult now--I bet she reminds you of that all the time.  She can do whatever she wants, right?  Well, in a way she's right.  You are responsible for your happiness, and your daughter is responsible for her happiness.  You can't possibly make her happy--only she can do that.  And you can't possibly take away her pain, no matter how much you want to--only she can do that.

I think you were right to mute your phone, and say that you'd call the next day.  If she sends mean, desperate or waifish texts in the interim, those are meant to get you to re-engage.  I'd advise, don't re-engage.  Delete the texts like spam, or at least don't read them until the next day.  Maybe you turn your phone off completely.  Remember the days when you could take the phone off the hook?  Try that.  If she's really considering killing herself, she can call the suicide hotline, or dial 911 herself.  If she threatens suicide while you're on the phone with her, you can ask her if she wants you to dial 911 to get her help.  The choice is hers.

Sometimes when my loved ones are dumping on me, I set a mental time limit.  Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's 20 minutes, and sometimes it's just five minutes, depending on my mood, energy level and busyness.  I might start a conversation by saying, Hi, I'm checking in with you, but I've got only 10 minutes, because I'm heading to an appointment.  Then, I let them rip.  At nine minutes, I'll remind them that I have to say good-bye soon, because of the appointment.  And then when the time is up, I'll say good-bye, I'll call back later.  Does that sound fair enough?  You could think of it like an appointment with a therapist, and at the end of the session, the time is up!  If it helps, set an egg timer, the oven timer or an alarm on your phone--maybe hearing the alarm will be a cue for both of you.  By the way, I typically like to call when I'm doing something useful, like walking, driving or folding clothes, because the slight distraction lets me stay mentally centered, and not get totally sucked into the drama.  In addition, I don't feel like the stressful call was a total waste of my energy, because I got something done.  And when I'm done with the task, that's usually my cue to end the call, if it's a negative one.  I have to get started on dinner/run to the store/go to the gym/pay my bills/go to bed because I have to get up early tomorrow!

Alternatively, when I'm feeling too stressed out by the drama, I'll say so, something like:   We're not getting anywhere, let's please talk about something else.  If she continues with her rants, I'll say it again, more forcefully:  This is stressing out, and if you continue, I'm going to have to hang up.  Finally, if she doesn't heed the warning and continues dumping on me, then I say, I'm too stressed out, I'm hanging up, but I'll call later/tomorrow.  Bye.

I am familiar with the suicidal threats, as my stepdaughter made them when she was spiraling out of control.  At one point, I was so angry with her for threatening suicide over every little thing, that I thought, I wish she would just do it, and then she'd end up in the hospital, where she belongs, because she can't keep hijacking my life and happiness like this.  I deserve to go on vacation, and live where I want to, and not be held hostage by a full-grown woman who refuses to get help, and who blames my husband for all her problems while treating him horrendously and throwing his hard-earned money away.  I know this is a horrible thought, but I thought I'd share it you, so that you feel validated in your desperation.  You see, I never thought my stepdaughter really wanted to kill herself--I felt that she was using threats and half-hearted suicide attempts as a misguided call for help, as well as to sabotage her dad's happiness, in a misguided act of revenge or retribution.  But she refused to get help and to commit to therapy.  And then, if she made a suicidal threat and 911 was called, she'd accuse the caller of assaulting her!  She was just so messed up.  She was playing a dangerous game with her life, where there was no "winner," only losers.  What she wanted was to do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted, but yet she didn't even know what she wanted.

I guess I'm saying, she's going to do whatever she wants, and there's nothing you can do to stop her.  All you can do is offer to support her in getting help, such as by dialing 911.  But it's her choice whether she takes help or not.

[In4thewin]

I fully relate to your frustration with your daughter and yourself when you don't hold a boundary. It's hard to put the toothpaste back in the tube! I'm really trying to remind myself that I'm dealing with the illness and not the person when I encounter situations like the one you described with my own daughter. Just yesterday she thew a fit because I wouldn't drop everything, pick her up, and take her out to eat. This was after days of telling her that she needed to call the internet company to set up service for her new apartment (I made the decision to not have her live at home anymore due to verbal abuse and refusal to follow basic rules). She never tried to set up the service although I told her if it wasn't done and put in her name that she just wouldn't have wifi. Anyway..... she finally decided to do what I asked/expected of her, but only after text threats of suicide etc. and claims that she had no food and no way of getting any (she's currently at an Airbnb before moving into the apartment). She had enough money in her account to do an food delivery order/service  herself, and although she's 18 and still not driving, she was in close proximity to a fast food restaurant and a major grocery store so she could always walk there as well. I just held my ground and she ended up doing what she needed to do for herself. Suicide threats are hard but if when not in one of those moments you let your daughter know how you'll proceed with these types of threats and then carry through, it may deter her from resorting to that. Make sure she has the number to a suicide hotline and lay forth the expectation that she'll use it if she's ever feeling like self harming--- whether she's trying to involve you or not. Also let her know that threats of this kind can't be taken lightly so you'll have to involve the police for a wellness check-- then do it. I think the key is consistency, and I'm hoping if I remain consistent that my daughter's maladaptive coping mechanisms will also be forced to change because they no longer work for her..... and she'll finally come to the conclusion that she needs to find new/better ways to cope and communicate, so she'll seek the DBT intensive treatment she really needs. I have heard story after story on this board of parents who are still dealing with chaos with children well into their 20s and older, and I'm just determined to help my daughter turn this around before she loses too much more time and opportunity to get her life back on track and progressing forward. I let her know all the time that I love her and that I'm here for her, but I won't be used and abused. If you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up over it. Just jump back on track and try to be as consistent with you message and behaviors as possible.

[SoVeryConfused]

Thank you. I know from reading here that I’m not alone. I appreciate you sharing your stories and thoughts. No one else really truly understands how confusing and chaotic this is.

It’s also wonderful to hear stories of stability.

Interestingly enough, after two incredibly horrible days, where I had to turn my phone off because I had so many calls coming in one, , my husband returned here.

He was on speakerphone with her tonight, and you would never know this is the same girl.. The conversation is completely normal. It’s very confusing and strange.