success stories?

[In4thewin]

I'm holding out hope that my daughter will decide to enter an intensive DBT program and really work it this time. She's 18 and the past 5 years have been hell. I'd love to hear some stories about loved ones who were therapy resistant and then finally decided to take it seriously with success.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and thanks for writing in. The first suggestion is to be open to the fact that success may look different  now. Her sticking to her mental health team and using the   coping skills will be hard.  The amount of time this takes can be years.  Bpd recovery is a marathon,  not a sprint.  It is also up to her now. Her recovery will be as individual as she is and may not look like what you thought. Ths best thing you  can do is to also consider getting help for you.   Joining this forum is a good first step.  Please read around  this forum , familiarize your self with bpd.  Write here as often as you need. We are here for you.

[Pook075]

My 26 year old BPD daughter is a success story, but only because it finally clicked that she had to get help and take it seriously.  We knew something was way off so early on- maybe by 6 or 7 I was worried.  By 12, we were outright scared and my kid was in therapy at school from 5th grade forward.  She would rant on and on about how her parents were monsters, how all of her problems were because of us.  We even had neighbors that called social services because my daughter would make up extensive allegations of abuse.

By 18, we had enough and made the impossible decision of throwing her out on the streets.  She stayed with friends at first, then family, and eventually ended up in a halfway house because she was burning every possible bridge.  She begged to come home and I told her that was fine under two conditions- clean up after yourself and be respectful to others.  If she became abusive, we'd send her right back out the door.

This went on for several years.  There were many 9-1-1 calls between the ages of 14 and 21, plus several in-patient stays.  The time that changed everything though was a particular psychiatrist who told me that I was a complete idiot.  Perplexed, I asked him what he meant by that and he simply said, "You're working 10x harder than you kid, trying to fix her.  But only she can fix herself...all your work and stress is useless."

Of course I asked him to explain, and he shared that the only time a BPD gets better is when they actually decide, "Hey, I'm the problem and I hate feeling this way.  I want to get better."

I remember we talked that out for maybe 15-20 minutes, and my wife asked, "Well, what should be do now since you're keeping her for the weekend?"  And his answer shocked us.  He said, "Well, go do whatever married couples do.  Go watch a movie or have great sex.  Sleep in till noon tomorrow and eat cookies for breakfast.  Do whatever you want because this is not your problem."

I think it finally "clicked" because his answer was so outrageous- this really wasn't about us.  All the anger, blame, gaslighting, etc came from mental illness and we were powerless to actually fix it.  In fact, the only thing we could actually do is teach right from wrong and enforce healthy boundaries.

Things got worse before they got better, and as I said my kid didn't live at home for many years after that.  But we stuck to our guns- we want you home, but under two conditions (clean up, be nice).  The decision is yours...its your life.  And eventually my kid actually got it, she actually understood that we weren't asking outrageous things.

At around 23, my kid hit her rock bottom and called to ask if I'd take her to an in-patient facility.  She hated the psychiatrist that spoke to us years earlier because she couldn't manipulate him; he'd just laugh and smile when she tried.  But she asked to go see him because he was the only one who directly challenged her.

Maybe 6 months into DBT therapy, my kid was a different person.  She apologized to me directly and something inside me knew it was genuine.  I apologized as well and told her that I had always loved her, had always rooted for her, and our relationship has been different ever since.  We're super close now and can talk our real things...she often comes to me for advice when life gets hard or she's dysregulated.  She knows I'll always lead with compassion but I won't pull punches either; she's going to get real advice.

At 26, my kid isn't "cured" since she still has tough days.  Sometimes she'll lash out at me because her day was terrible, and I have to have enough patience to let her get through the initial outburst so I can love on her a little bit.  Once that happens though, she apologizes immediately and we talk like father/daughter.  Also, she still chooses lousy friends...although she has become better in that category.  It's always other broken people she's drawn to and their problems become her problems, which sends her spiraling.

At 24, my kid went through her first adult breakup (post DBT) and it was too much for her to handle.  She cried as she asked me to take her to an inpatient facility, and she was so devastated that "two good years of hard work and therapy were wasted."  That wasn't true though, nothing is wasted in life...she just needed a few days to calm down, get through her trauma, and realize it.

Her current relationship has blown up a few times, but never quite to the point of no return.  They did split up for about a week and a half at one point, and my kid was bordering on suicidal.  So it's not all rainbows and unicorns after DBT, there will still be ultra-tough times.  The difference is that my kid seeks me or her mom in those situations and leans on us as allies and there's no longer any reason to actually fight.  Either she self-adjusts or we give her enough love to wait out the moment.  In worst case scenarios, I'll tell her that she's being unfair (which is a nicer word than "abusive") and I promise to call her back later.

It is a truly "normal" father/daughter relationship?  Not quite, but I am eternally thankful for what we have today versus where we were only a few years ago.  The stress and anxiety almost killed me many years back and I am so thankful that's now past us.  I know that occasionally I'll receive panic phone calls but guess what, I get that from my younger, mentally strong daughter as well.

I hope that helps!

[CC43]

I’d say my stepdaughter is a success story, though she had to hit bottom a couple of times before taking therapy seriously. She had to hear an ultimatum from her doctors:  either she do the recommend program, or there was nothing else they could offer (except involuntary commitment) because nothing else they tried had worked. She also heard an ultimatum from her dad:  either she get therapy or she was on her own financially. Her choice entirely.

Now she’s on a forward path, finishing up her undergrad degree and looking for her first full-time job. She’s managed living  with roommates peacefully for over a year now, and she’ll come to our house for dinner and money from time yo time. Living around 20 minutes from her seemed ideal—far enough away for her to feel independent, yet close enough to keep tabs. She is still easily distressed, but she avoids total meltdowns and suicide attempts like she used to. She still isn’t speaking to her siblings, mom or aunt though. But overall I’d say she’s a success story.

[BPDstinks]

i am anxious to find out if my 24 y/o pwBPD will be a success story   I see a tiny bit of progress!  Kudos for all of you

[KBug]

We're not there yet. Things are pretty difficult right now. I was talking to my therapist during our last session about what was going on. He suggested that for now, I had unrealistic expectations for our relationship. He helped me to realize that setting good boundaries with her and sticking with them as well as having a healthy relationship with my husband and working together on how we respond to our daughter's issues is a good definition for success for now.