Adult daughter with BPD

[Nae]

Oh boy, my 38 yr old daughter was diagnosed with BPD about 15 yrs ago by a psychiatrist when she was in jail and on suicide watch.  It was the answer I had been searching for. What is wrong with my daughter, I read all the symptoms and she had every one.  I was happy that we could name it and then work on it, but no, it's been exhausting!  Currently she lives with me and I want her out but she can't hold a job, so I looked into eviction which I will do, but she agreed to not be abusive and be respectful and considerate, so I said as long as you do that you can stay and find a job.  However the months go by and she of course can't stick to her word.  I just turned 65 and I want my house to myself.  She did do DBT many yrs ago and I did the mindfulness stuff which was a life saver.  I currently focus on myself, taking care of my needs, following my dreams and really in the last year have totally stopped engaging with her, not wanting to know about anything in her life, I do not care anymore, she is an adult and needs to figure her life out herself and if she can't then she can get help, I'm DONE!  I'm really hoping to get support from other's who know what I'm going through.  It's been hell watching my daughter be on the streets, shooting heroin and in and out of jail and too many overdoses and suicide attempts to count, she once called the cops on me saying I abused her and they almost took me to jail but didn't after I told them I just spent $20,000 on saving her life from sending her to an eating disorder treatment center in another state, she had just been released and returned home.  I've kicked her out so many times and it is so much better now than it was, she's been clean since 2018, but she's stuck, not working on her BPD issues.  I'm exhausted!  I just want her to find a job and contribute some $$, but I fear that won't happen.  I currently only provide a home for her, I buy the groceries I want and do not pay for anything of hers, except I did pay $330 for her car in Jan '25, which she promises to pay back after she gets a job!!! Ugh!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

I'm really hoping to get support from other's who know what I'm going through. 

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're in this position and my 26 year old daughter has (almost) the exact same story.  She hasn't been to jail long-term and she never liked the harder drugs (thank God), but the rest all fits.  My kid also went through DBT and actively wanted to change, which made a massive difference in her life.

Today, my kid still struggles to hold jobs long-term, it has been better the past few years or so.  She's currently working in a restaurant and likes the ultra fast-paced environment.  I think being very busy is good for her since she has very little time to think emotionally.

What should you do?  Well, you already know the answer since you've done it before.  Stick to your guns- she works and she's respectful, or she must leave.  Put a time limit on that, a very short one that requires taking action today.  Something like, "If you don't have a job by Friday, then it's time for you to move out."  I would also put in a boundary that if she's mean to you, she needs to sleep somewhere else tonight.

I understand how tough this is because the alternative is the streets, possibly getting back to drugs, etc.  But she has to live her own life and live with her own consequences.  None of this is on you anymore and you need to give yourself some grace.  Only she can help herself.

[Nae]

thanks so much for your support and suggestions.  I couldn't sleep this morning just going over all the ideas about what I can do.  I was pretty down yesterday, just exhausted with her.  My friend has a 35 yr old son who is non verbal, lives in a group home and I struggle with my grief that my daughter is probably not gonna get better, or much better and it's so sad.  But this morning I decided to give her a deadline by the end of March to have a job, anything, part time or whatever AND get into DBT therapy if she wants to live with me.  She probably can't and won't but so be it. 

[Pook075]

thanks so much for your support and suggestions.  I couldn't sleep this morning just going over all the ideas about what I can do.  I was pretty down yesterday, just exhausted with her.  My friend has a 35 yr old son who is non verbal, lives in a group home and I struggle with my grief that my daughter is probably not gonna get better, or much better and it's so sad.  But this morning I decided to give her a deadline by the end of March to have a job, anything, part time or whatever AND get into DBT therapy if she wants to live with me.  She probably can't and won't but so be it. 

Just remember to frame it within healthy boundaries where she's making the choices for herself.

For example, you could say something like you want her to stay and you hope that she'd choose to work and get back in therapy.  But you'll respect her decision either way since she has to decide.

Boundaries are about protecting yourself, stating you need x, y, and z to feel safe and secure in the relationship.  It's her choice to be respectful or not, she's making those choices and she must see that.  Get away from the "mean mom" narrative since it's manipulation and disordered thinking.

The truth is that a good mom teaches right from wrong, that actions in life has consequences.  That's what you'll be doing here.  She's welcome to decide to stay and contribute, or she's welcome to leave and do life her own way.  Her life, her choices.

[KBug]

You are in such a hard place to be. My husband and I are there, too. We had to draw some serious boundaries with our daughter with BPD. She's 24 years old and completely dependent on either us or her mother. She's toxic (constant blaming, false accusations, angry, destructive, etc). She's very bright but won't go to school or get a job. I know that emotionally her life is a living hell for her, but she won't do anything to help herself. I could go on and on but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.

We had to draw some serious boundaries with her. We worked with a therapist to get to a place where we could do what we needed to do. We only give her money for school and therapy and we pay the school and therapist directly. Of course, she's not in school right now. She can only live with us if she agrees to having a peaceful house, no substance use, and making positive steps towards getting better like going to therapy appointments and taking her meds. She also has to work on adulting. She has to have an equivalent of full time something- a combination of work, school, mental health efforts. Otherwise she smokes marijuana and drinks all day, wallowing in existential misery. She doesn't like our boundaries and only ever interacts with us when her mother (also BPD) kicks her out of the house and she needs a place to live. Now even though she is homeless, she won't agree to our boundaries. She's currently living in her car and that's her decision. She could choose differently.  A few weeks ago, she called to ask if she could move in with us. We told her that our boundaries are still an expectation and she told us that she wasn't going to kiss our asses in order to have a place to live. She threatened to kill herself and we got her into in-patient. She's now out of in-patient and we worked with the hospital to get her placed in a homeless shelter but she only stayed a night because she couldn't get along with anyone there. Now she's back to living in her car.

Our therapist told us that she's never going to get better until she understands that she is her biggest problem, wants to get better, and actually takes the steps necessary to do so. Us providing her a soft place to land when she blows up her world allows her to keep blaming others for all of her problems and keeps her from getting better. I talk to her about being an adult who gets to make adult decisions and face adult consequences-that she's the person responsible for her own life.  She doesn't have to comply with any of our boundaries but she can't live with us if she doesn't. It's her decision. She rages at us and we just keep calm and a matter of fact about our expectations. My response to her raging is often, "It sounds like you have made your decision and I respect that you get to make your own decisions. You're an adult who gets to make adult decisions but you will experience adult consequences." I've learned to detach from her turmoil because otherwise she will emotionally blackmail us into getting what she wants.

This has been and extremely painful process for all of us. I still have some guilt and second guessing myself.

I hope that you are working with a therapist for yourself. You've had experience in drawing boundaries in the past and it sounds like they have helped her to get at least a little bit better. I'm wondering what your gut says about what you need to do based on what you have learned and what has worked in the past. Your words feel like you have some ideas about what might work but you're second guessing yourself and feeling guilty. It's sooooooo hard to draw the boundaries that our kids with BPD need. Good luck and big hugs!

[CC43]

Hi there,

It sounds like you are a fantastic parent with deep love for your daughter in spite of all she’s put you through. I understand the feeling of being done, because you’ve done so much already, and yet she still makes self-destructive decisions. She might even resent you for all the help you’ve given her. How awful is that?

I think you are entitled to make some ultimatums. At 38, your daughter has had plenty of opportunities to make good choices. You could say, if she chooses to get therapy, then you will assist her by paying for part or all of it. You could say, if she chooses to get a job, you are willing to match her earnings by some percentage for a few months, so that she can get on her feet. You could say, if she chooses to visit for dinner on occasion, she could share a nice meal with you, provided that she treat you with respect and help clean up. The choices are hers, and you respect her choices. Does that sound like a reasonable approach?.

[Goody1]

There was always something a little off with my daughter since my second child was born. She is now 28 and she’s not speaking to me after making false accusations about me and involving my whole family parents brothers siblings of hers
I personally had a mental breakdown from living with my daughter when she came back during Covid and wouldn’t leave and though she’s not diagnosed because she thinks she’s great and everything’s perfect and it’s always somebody else’s fault. I am 100% she’s BPD my husband now ex is a narcissist and the stepfather to my three children
I was alone in the house with them for two years with huge life changes business selling last child going to college not sure what next steps in life are and unaddressed childhood trauma that came out in me with anxiety, and I learned when I went to recovery that I had Forgot a lot of my traumas growing up. My ex-husband was a very angry mean, jealous, entitled, narcissist, typical one who turned on me, and even though my daughter and her stepfather couldn’t stand each other when I was falling apart from the two of them gaslighting me every single day they joined forces so the go full circle. I left my Ex-husband a year before my breakdown and due to my past traumas I couldn’t sustain the break up. my daughter was so happy that I had asked him to leave and when I let him back, she turned on and then it was the enemy of my enemy is my friend and it was there daily Routine to accuse me of doing things or not doing enough there wasn’t one thing I could do right
When I did the work, I found out I was suffering from complex PTSD and once my daughter had moved home, and I recognized that she had borderline which I had always thought I was reading excessively on it and thought I did, but I was fortunate enough to get evaluation at Mclean And I was able to do the work and see how my responses to my daughter did not help her while growing up
But I learned in recovery, you can only utilize the tools that you have and I was not able to utilize tools that I did not learn in my childhood
When I first came back from recovery after my daughter literally called every single doctor in the place and told them I was lying even though I chose to go to this place and wanted to work on my mental health she literally was hysterical, crying, and throwing up all the time, and then it turned into her anger, screaming at me the usual I’ve gone through the gambit her throwing things at me, swearing at me, running off, threatening suicide, having to take her to the hospital no friends they don’t last till relationships with men that she financially takes care of except suspending, obese, and stream hate for anybody in my life
There’s no doubt I created a codependent relationship having an alcoholic mother and always worrying about her. It turned to worry about my daughter, as she was not able to make friends or leave my side ever, but when she was angry at me, everything was my fault and it still is in her eyes
The best thing I could do for me was learn self-care, my own emotional regulation, and my defense mechanism of emotional reactivity had to change. It just makes it more chaotic.
In the last two years since I’ve done the work, she has threatened me numerous times she has walked out on me. She has screamed on top of her lungs at me. She is accused me of things that are false and because I am happy in my life, I’m single after two very difficult relationships to marriages, and I am happy as can be with my dog and going back to school and found my next steps and she is not happy for me if anything she’s angry trying to set me up and it’s so sad because I love her more than anything and I’ve done more for her than anybody and she’s taking the majority of my Emotional Time and worry, but I realize now that I’ve done the work and saw it from a different lens after I had done my own
Work that I just have to stick to boundaries and really limit our time together, but about five months ago, she decided she was never speaking to me again, but of course when she needed money reached out now not speaking to me again, and I am financially helping her still, so I made her sign a contract regarding me helping her for this last year and everything‘s done in August And I don’t know what’s gonna happen with her but when I’ve realized having a brother who was an addict? He’s been recovered for 15+ years is that you have to practice the 3 C’s
Didnt cause it can’t control it and can’t cure
Unfortunately, my daughter is not willing to truly look at herself and work on herself while I was doing recovery. She lost some weight and has gained it back and in the last 20 months 24 months it’s very sad and hard on me. She has to wanna help herself.
Lastly, she won’t say I love you to me won’t do it. She’ll do it with gifts and cards. She’ll do it pretending she’s talking to the dog but even when we’re on our closest, she can’t say it and I know she doesn’t love herself. I know she doesn’t wanna say it out loud and she’s very functioning. She works hard as a good persona in the world and I never told anyone about all this. I just deal with it on my own because I didn’t know how to ask for help but I do now and we all need support when dealing with mental illness in our family and borderline truly affects the whole family. She’s ruined vacations. Holidays won’t leave when we’re gonna going on an airplane. I mean, you name it and it’s Nice to be able to talk about it now not feel like I’m betraying her because I realize self-care is more important and I need to take care of myself.