Ex came back after 3 years. What should I do?

[whoboyboyy]

Hey guys. Basically, my ex girlfriend and I broke up in 2022 and it broke my heart real bad. Our breakup was  so confusing because she never actually broke up with me she just talked to me less and less until the last time we saw each other and had a giant fight. If that wasn't bad enough she cheated on me leading up to this but I just ignored it like an idiot. She found a new boyfriend so fast and I had just figured id never hear from her again, especially because the last thing she told me was she doesn't miss me at all and to kill myself. Nothing in my life has ever made me feel as worthless as she had towards the end of our relationship. The worst part is even 3 years later I am always thinking about her.

Anyways, this fall in October I got a follow request from her instagram and she sent me a dm. I got really excited, after all I missed my person and I wanted us to be in each other's lives again. However, she never really messaged me and would say she misses me and that she wants to see and call me, but whenever I tell her I would come see her anytime. When she did call me, she usually only stayed for 10 mins and would make up an excuse to hang out. This brought up a lot of feelings I don't think I really took care of in a healthy way. She would tell me she only had an ipad as well but I knew she had a phone. Throughout this period of us talking again she's acting kind of shady, lying about having no phone, and she's hanging out with other men who look to be in there 30s. I got upset that she kept lying to me and I asked her if she would wanna hang out  last month. She completely ignored my message and instead just messaged me saying she's breaking her friend out of rehab. That was the last time I talked to her for another month until 2 weeks ago she sent me a DM and told me her phone was broken and she just got back into her accounts. I told her not to worry bout it and I hope shes doing alright but she hasn't answered that message in 2 weeks

I really don't know what to do guys. I've wanted her back in my life so bad and when she tells me she misses me and wants to see me, and that she still finds me handsome it reminds me of how much I still love her. I'm no fool, I know she's playing games with me but I also know she's been going through some PLEASE READ. She tried to get sober and then relapsed, and she was also arrested over the summer. Can anyone offer me any advice? I'm obsessing over her once again and I kind of hate the way it feels. This is someone I haven't known in 3 years, I don't even think we are the same people anymore. I still love her. I fell for her so hard and we tatted eachothers names on ourselves, and I've just never felt this way about someone before. It makes me feel a little sick how addicted I am to attention from her and all it takes is a small message. I know I got my own problems, but a relationship with her is something I value. She hurt me deep though. There is still real hurt in me from how she treated me and obviously it's something we would have to work out, but I don't think she values me enough to do that, and I also don't think it's something on her mind rn with her own personal struggles. How can I navigate this guys I do want her back in my life but it hurts that she never gives me much time. It was so easy to talk to her again i've never been more comfortable with someone in my life. I'm just really afraid to get hurt by her again. Even though she's already done a lot of pretty crappy things to me and most people call me an idiot for wanting her back I can't ignore my heart. My feelings for her are too strong

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Even though she's already done a lot of pretty crappy things to me and most people call me an idiot for wanting her back I can't ignore my heart. My feelings for her are too strong

Hello and thanks for sharing!  I'm really sorry you're going through this (again).

First off, you're not an idiot- we love who we love.  Give yourself some grace for being honest with your emotions.

Second, you 100% know that this is a bad idea.  She's stringing you along as she talks to other guys.  When something bad happens, she reaches out for attention.  Then she ghosts you when the attention comes from other places.  It's cruel, it's unfair...but you're not over her yet.

Third, this is happening (and will continue to happen) because you're not putting healthy boundaries in place.  You want to talk to her- great, you're talking!  But she's also hurting you and it's feeling familiar to the past (in both good and bad ways).  What have you done in the past three years to avoid being in those same patterns?

This ultimately comes down to your personal growth.  Can you be friends, or maybe more, while maintaining a healthy two-way relationship?  How will you handle the lying?  Do you have a different strategy in place today?

Most people here would want to say to run away before being hurt again, but you posted in the "bettering" section so the advice should be just that.  The most direct answer I can give is to work on your communication style, really dig into the tips and tools on this website, so you can learn to validate her feelings without validating the bad stuff.

For example, lying is wrong.  But you know that if you call her out and accuse her, she's going to run...which you don't want.  But you do want a real relationship, which means you must deal with the lying in a healthy way.  That's the type of stuff you need to have a clear plan of action for to avoid repeating the past.

[whoboyboyy]

Yeah I figured she must only text me when she gets into an argument with someone else. I haven't talked to her in a month, and she only sent me a message 2 weeks ago, which she hasn't responded too yet. Admittedly I haven't done much in the past 3 years, I kind of struggled with drinking and now I'm just trying to focus on my health and going back to school. I also can't be her friend nor do I want to. My feelings for her are too strong and I wouldn't be able to be a friend to her. I've decided I'm not going to message her anymore unless she comes to me because the past couple of months I had been sending her a lot of messages and I don't wanna look needy.

[Pook075]

Yeah I figured she must only text me when she gets into an argument with someone else. I haven't talked to her in a month, and she only sent me a message 2 weeks ago, which she hasn't responded too yet. Admittedly I haven't done much in the past 3 years, I kind of struggled with drinking and now I'm just trying to focus on my health and going back to school. I also can't be her friend nor do I want to. My feelings for her are too strong and I wouldn't be able to be a friend to her. I've decided I'm not going to message her anymore unless she comes to me because the past couple of months I had been sending her a lot of messages and I don't wanna look needy.

Just remember that your mental health always comes first in every relationship in your life.  If it's not healthy, then you have to change that relationship or end it.  I know it's super tough, I feel for what you're going through.