Is meaningful change likely without diagnosis/acceptance?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I strongly suspect (as does our previous couples therapist, who has subsequently become my individual therapist) that my wife has BPD. She certainly demonstrates and describes all the characteristics/behaviours. Resultingly, I am emotionally exhausted and we are back in therapy (with a new couples therapist, as my wife rejected the last one) for the second time, inside 18 months of marriage. Personally, I do not believe that much meaningful change is realistic unless a) I feel able to talk about it with my wife, and b) she is willing even to explore the possibility that a PD may be contributing to our crumbling marriage, and c) engage with me in doing something about it. What is your experience? I just want some peace and simple contentment in our relationship (and my retirement) not constant demands/expectations/conflict (even if they are merely very challenging ways of seeking endless reassurance). I'm not sure I have the energy or desire to bend myself into a pretzel for the rest of my life to accommodate maturely the draining and diminishing behaviours of a poorly but extremely difficult wife - and even saying that makes me feel like a terrible husband. I want to be able to be me and not to have to dance on eggshells until I die. I would love to hear about your experiences of meaningful change and feelings of guilt. Your help, support and advice would be welcome and very gratefully received. Thank you. Tag

[Taggart]

I strongly suspect (as does our previous couples therapist, who has subsequently become my individual therapist) that my wife has BPD. She certainly demonstrates and describes all the characteristics/behaviours. Resultingly, I am emotionally exhausted and we are back in therapy (with a new couples therapist, as my wife rejected the last one) for the second time, inside 18 months of marriage. Personally, I do not believe that much meaningful change is realistic unless a) I feel able to talk about it with my wife, and b) she is willing even to explore the possibility that a PD may be contributing to our crumbling marriage, and c) engage with me in doing something about it. What is your experience? I just want some peace and simple contentment in our relationship (and my retirement) not constant demands/expectations/conflict (even if they are merely very challenging ways of seeking endless reassurance). I'm not sure I have the energy or desire to bend myself into a pretzel for the rest of my life to accommodate maturely the draining and diminishing behaviours of a poorly but extremely difficult wife - and even saying that makes me feel like a terrible husband. I want to be able to be me and not to have to dance on eggshells until I die. I would love to hear about your experiences of meaningful change and feelings of guilt. Your help, support and advice would be welcome and very gratefully received. Thank you. Tag

[Pook075]

Personally, I do not believe that much meaningful change is realistic unless

a) I feel able to talk about it with my wife
b) she is willing even to explore the possibility that a PD may be contributing to our crumbling
c) engage with me in doing something about it.

What is your experience?

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.

In your three goals for meaningful change, I couldn't help but notice that each of them related to you in some way.  So before we got too far into this, I wanted to share that BPD is a serious mental illness that can't be "fixed" unless someone is willing to actually get help. 

Even though you want that for your wife, this problem is internal within her and she must be the one who makes the decision to seek help.  You can't force it, and the mere mention of it may send her spiraling.  It's a much better idea to let a professional broach the topic with her so you're not viewed as the enemy.

Meaningful change can come if (a) your wife realizes there's an internal problem and chooses therapy.  But it can also come from your end as well in learning how to better communicate with her, validate her feelings, and diffuse situations before they turn into arguments.  This requires a lot of work on your part to meet her where she's at, and you can read through the tabs at the top of the page to get a better idea what that looks like.

Let us know what you think and again, welcome to the family.