>Lack of light

[pastorC]

Not really sure what to write as my first post because so much has happened.
I've been a step-parent for over 11 years and my step-daughter with BPD is now 22.

It wasn't until a decent amount of therapy and reading and researching that I realized what BPD was doing to my life even though I wasn't the one who had it. I thought that step-parenting was just extra hard for 11 years. It wasn't until about 6 months or so ago that BPD became a realization in my life and explained so much of what was happening.

It doesn't matter what I do, I'm always wrong. I'm always the villain. Most recently, I told my step-daughter that I was happy for her new husband's job placement at his new fire station. He would be working with seasoned firefighters and the commute in wasn't too bad and I thought these would be good things. She seemed happy with those comments too, but then two days later, I discovered that she had stopped sharing her location with me but continued to do so with my wife and other stepdaughter. I have no idea what I said that was wrong.

The apex moment took place in October at her wedding where she had my wife inform me 10 minutes before the ceremony that I was not welcome to walk her down the aisle or officiate (her actual father is deceased and also I'm a pastor). This was her way of "retaliating" when I calmly told her 3 months prior that I did not agree with several of her decisions. It was clear that she was only wanting to hurt me.

She has completely shut me out of her life and her mother is afraid to say anything to her about it out of fear that she will also be shut out. My BPD stepdaughter has dropped out of school, quit multiple jobs, and severed ties with almost all of her friends. The only person she listens to (at least for now) is her husband. While her husband is an ok guy, he's very immature and still figuring his own life out.

Therapy has helped me work through a lot of my feelings toward my step-daughter and I think I have been able to give myself some boundaries that have helped a lot. That being said, the difficult thing for me lately has been the feeling of loneliness. My wife and other step daughter are still treated like nothing they do is wrong while nothing that I do is right. If BPD people treat everyone like either Satan or Savior, then my wife and other step-daughter are Saviors and I am Satan. It doesn't matter what I do for her or when or how I apologize for any failure I might have. She has been gaslighting me in various ways for almost 10 years now.

I'm just hoping to feel like I'm not feeling like a Satan all on my own and lately I have felt that a lot. I would appreciate any help or support that anyone can offer. Thanks

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I think you will get more replies on the family board for parents of children and step children with BPD. No worries- the moderators will move the post there.

I think the experience of being split as either all good or all bad by someone with BPD is common. Sometimes it can be with one person- they are at one time, all good, and other times all bad.

When we feel lonely, it sometimes means we have neglected our own feelings. As a pastor, you probably look out for the needs of your congregants and less for yourself, just like you looked after your step daughter. Now, maybe you can look out for you- and do something you enjoy like spending more time with your wife just the two of you,  take a class online, or a new hobby.  It is also possible you would benefit from counseling yourself to help you sort out your feelings.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome, I'm a Christian dad who feels like I'm being driven towards ministry, so I can relate to so much of what you've shared.  Let me share a few insights:

1) You're responsible for you, she's responsible for herself.  It's like your relationship with God; as it develops, it become highly personal.  It's impossible to tell what's truly in someone else's heart, so all you can do is plant seeds and encourage.  That's true for BPD and religion.

2) Your step-daughter probably resents you for being "the tough parent".  That stinks, I was the tough one too.  But why she's really angry is that you stood your ground when it came to right and wrong.  Others, they let her manipulate so they're not as threatening.  Just you challenging her on some thing that you didn't agree with was enough to make her see things in an entirely different light.

What she's actually seeking is your approval, and she's punishing you for not giving it.  Now, you might say that you've always been supportive, etc...and I believe you.  But we're talking about mental illness here and disordered thinking where 1 + 1 doesn't always equal 2.  It's easier to blame you for her problems than actually take accountability, so that's what she's doing.

3) How do you move past this?  Simply put, go back to point #1.  Focus on your life, your problems, and stop trying to carry her cross for her.  She will get better when she's ready to take personal responsibility for her own actions...not a minute before.  You challenging her is a good thing, she needs to know right from wrong.  But at the same time, you can't take this personally or beat yourself up over not being able to "fix her."  It's not your burden. 

Focus on you...let her focus on her.

4) Communication styles play a huge factor with BPD and it's not intuitive.  Look at some of the sections along the top of the page and see what resonates.  In time, you'll learn to validate her feelings without validating what she's accusing you of.  Those are two different things entirely.  Maybe she's ranting over something you did, for example, but at the core of it she's just having a bad day and wants someone to understand her hurt.  So you soothe the emotions while letting go of the abusive words and actions.

In other words, you show compassion for someone that's sick and miserable.  Sound familiar?

5) Know that God has a time for everything and this is the season you're currently in.  This too shall pass though, and you will not be the one that "fixes it".  You can avoid some of the more disordered thinking by becoming her ally though in understanding her emotions and simply focusing on them.  If she's sad, be comforting.  If she's angry, be soothing.  That helps the disordered tantrums pass.

While you're waiting this out, keep in mind that this is ultimately not about you...it's about mental illness.  Take some time to focus on your own mental health and if she wants to remain distant, then let her be.  At the same time though, let your wife and other child know that you're not going to be pulled into the drama any more.  You love your other kid and you're there for her, but not at the cost of your own sanity.  Your mental health always comes first.

I hope that helps!