Daughter-in-law and grand-daughter suspect BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I moved my son, his wife and two daughters into my home 11 years ago and have had a constant attack from my daughter-in-law (a nurse) and her oldest now age 20.  Against school counselors advice, she was taken out of school in her senior year as a top runner in the district with 4 waiting scholarships.  Both girls are in Jr. college.  I have been labeled the most negative unloving grandmother in the world by the two I speak of.  There is constant lying and a sassy attitude from the two.  My son has been in this marriage 23 years and I believe has lost his objectivity.

He has joined forces in bullying behavior towards me and offers no support what-so-ever.  They moved in subject to my taking out a large loan to increase the size of my home for them--that is the caveat to why I have not taken legal action.

I am a professional woman and own a retail business--that takes me out of my home five days a week for 10 hours a day.  The daughter-in-law has not spoken more than a few lines in two years.  My granddaughter worked for me until I realized she was entering my store at night and had stolen $1500.  Those actions were with a pass key for emergency use only.  Sometimes she entered more than one time a night and sadly she entered the day of my sister's death and the day of her memorial.  She said she was not sorry because she felt entitled.


I am a Christian or I would possibly not be of the sound mind I am today.  I forgave her actions as the parents returned her to her counselor for two visits.  My hunch is she was told to return the money and that was not acceptable with her mom.  I had reasoned
that is mom and dad are not appropriately parenting, it was best to have dialogue in the home with her and forgive.

I have spent 5 years studying psychology books.  It was not until a client told me about BPD that I ordered the top books on the subject and have come to the conclusion both granddaughter and daughter-in-law suffer from and nurture the same emotional disability.  They are bonded at the hip.  

I survived a very difficult family dispute last week involving taking and re-arranging most of my library and some personal items   because of the knowledge I have gained by reading Paul Mason's books.  Believing knowledge is power, I was able to make some sense out of my situation.

I believe my 48-year-old son has no power in his marriage and releases his anger and vocabulary at me.  That is very hurtful.  His daughter had counselling for about a year before she turned 18.  My daughter-in-law is adopted.  Her parents gave her a copy of a letter from an attorney before she married that stated her mother had had an affair at 35 and her husband would not take her back with a baby.  She is in the labor and delivery and neo-natal  part of medicine and very capable as a charge nurse.    There were two instances I feared she would be terminated as she called the house and screamed I was not to talk with either of her children.  It was so loud from her side I told her I would have to hang up the phone.

There was an occasion when out of the blue she went into a rage.  Prior to that she spoke in a very meek voice.  She always said she was not accustomed to my talking level--which I can assure you is normal in tone.  She pushed me and put her hands around my neck.  Fortunately, I did what the book said.  I knew I could defend myself as she is 5'2" and I am 5'8".  I told her she was not in control and needed to stop.  I have lived in my home 45 years.  One of the neighbors called the police.  She and the daughter had left by the time they arrived.  There were no injuries.

I noticed the daughter laughed at that time and does so when there are any confrontations that may take place.  

It is a shame to see a marriage in such a state and the unwillingness to discipline by either parent.  I can only look for answers and support for myself at this point.

The mom just bought a BMW and the primary driver has been the daughter.  Mom works nights.  It is currently in the shop for repairs to the left quarter panel.   I know this was a reward and entitlement purchase.  Call me old fashioned.  I don't believe you turn at 50K vehicle over to someone who took the family car at 15 without permission and enjoys taking selfies in the driver's seat.

I remain totally open to advice from those much wiser than I.

[openair]

I moved my son, his wife and two daughters into my home 11 years ago and have had a constant attack from my daughter-in-law (a nurse) and her oldest now age 20.  Against school counselors advice, she was taken out of school in her senior year as a top runner in the district with 4 waiting scholarships.  Both girls are in Jr. college.  I have been labeled the most negative unloving grandmother in the world by the two I speak of.  There is constant lying and a sassy attitude from the two.  My son has been in this marriage 23 years and I believe has lost his objectivity.

He has joined forces in bullying behavior towards me and offers no support what-so-ever.  They moved in subject to my taking out a large loan to increase the size of my home for them--that is the caveat to why I have not taken legal action.

I am a professional woman and own a retail business--that takes me out of my home five days a week for 10 hours a day.  The daughter-in-law has not spoken more than a few lines in two years.  My granddaughter worked for me until I realized she was entering my store at night and had stolen $1500.  Those actions were with a pass key for emergency use only.  Sometimes she entered more than one time a night and sadly she entered the day of my sister's death and the day of her memorial.  She said she was not sorry because she felt entitled.


I am a Christian or I would possibly not be of the sound mind I am today.  I forgave her actions as the parents returned her to her counselor for two visits.  My hunch is she was told to return the money and that was not acceptable with her mom.  I had reasoned
that is mom and dad are not appropriately parenting, it was best to have dialogue in the home with her and forgive.

I have spent 5 years studying psychology books.  It was not until a client told me about BPD that I ordered the top books on the subject and have come to the conclusion both granddaughter and daughter-in-law suffer from and nurture the same emotional disability.  They are bonded at the hip.  

I survived a very difficult family dispute last week involving taking and re-arranging most of my library and some personal items   because of the knowledge I have gained by reading Paul Mason's books.  Believing knowledge is power, I was able to make some sense out of my situation.

I believe my 48-year-old son has no power in his marriage and releases his anger and vocabulary at me.  That is very hurtful.  His daughter had counselling for about a year before she turned 18.  My daughter-in-law is adopted.  Her parents gave her a copy of a letter from an attorney before she married that stated her mother had had an affair at 35 and her husband would not take her back with a baby.  She is in the labor and delivery and neo-natal  part of medicine and very capable as a charge nurse.    There were two instances I feared she would be terminated as she called the house and screamed I was not to talk with either of her children.  It was so loud from her side I told her I would have to hang up the phone.

There was an occasion when out of the blue she went into a rage.  Prior to that she spoke in a very meek voice.  She always said she was not accustomed to my talking level--which I can assure you is normal in tone.  She pushed me and put her hands around my neck.  Fortunately, I did what the book said.  I knew I could defend myself as she is 5'2" and I am 5'8".  I told her she was not in control and needed to stop.  I have lived in my home 45 years.  One of the neighbors called the police.  She and the daughter had left by the time they arrived.  There were no injuries.

I noticed the daughter laughed at that time and does so when there are any confrontations that may take place.  

It is a shame to see a marriage in such a state and the unwillingness to discipline by either parent.  I can only look for answers and support for myself at this point.

The mom just bought a BMW and the primary driver has been the daughter.  Mom works nights.  It is currently in the shop for repairs to the left quarter panel.   I know this was a reward and entitlement purchase.  Call me old fashioned.  I don't believe you turn at 50K vehicle over to someone who took the family car at 15 without permission and enjoys taking selfies in the driver's seat.

I remain totally open to advice from those much wiser than I.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Openair: 
You are in a tough situation.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through.  Eleven years is a long time to live in your situation.  How were things between you and your DIL, before they moved in?  Is your son's father still in the picture?

He has joined forces in bullying behavior towards me and offers no support what-so-ever.  They moved in subject to my taking out a large loan to increase the size of my home for them--that is the caveat to why I have not taken legal action.

Did you put your son on title to your home?  If it is just you on title, perhaps you could ask them to leave.  Do any of them help around the house?  How do they contribute to the household?

Do you need them there to contribute to the mortgage payments?  Could you rent out a portion of your home to help cover the mortgage?

She pushed me and put her hands around my neck.  Fortunately, I did what the book said.  I knew I could defend myself as she is 5'2" and I am 5'8".  I told her she was not in control and needed to stop.  I have lived in my home 45 years.  One of the neighbors called the police.  She and the daughter had left by the time they arrived.  There were no injuries.

What did your son say after this event?

Best to have a safety plan in place, for the next time you feel unsafe.  The link below contains information on making a safety plan. 
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety_first.pdf

Perhaps your son is co-dependent?  Check out the info. at the link below and let us know what you think.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

[openair]

Unfortunately, he is on title so he and his wife could take the interest on the new mortgage.  There was not much involvement with his father until he became an adult.  Now, I believe it is because of the monetary worth of his father.  We were married 9 years.  My son was 3 when we divorced.
He said nothing after the physical attack.  Yes, I would agree he is co-dependent.  I will read your recommended site and reply back.  I am off my computer Sat pm until Tues am when I reopen my store.  I read when I am at home and try to keep the computer and cell phone to 5-days a week.

Pursuant to safety. I did threaten calling Social Services after last weeks verbal attack.  I did not do so with the physical as I felt confident and new she would possibly loose her job as a nurse.  It changed the demeanor at the time and I immediately left for work.

Yes, it has been a long haul.  My late sister was 6 years longer and I certainly had a wake up call.  I believe I must be in this situation because of the strong soul that I am.  My sister could never have coped.  I am saying that only because I believe there will be good coming out eventually.  

My son looks much older than his years--so does his wife.  As I said, when you are in a situation for as many years (23) as they have been you lose you objectivity.  He seems to be in a depressive state of mind.

They are responsible to make the payments--my home had been paid for when they moved back home from Denver.  They defaulted on the loan several years ago and kept it from me.  I told them the girls would be in the same bedroom and it would be necessary to rent the other room out if the payments were not kept current.

I have occasionally asked if the finances on the home were good as it became necessary for me to divest from being a watch-dog as running a retail business in addition would bury me.  

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Openair:  

Pursuant to safety. I did threaten calling Social Services after last weeks verbal attack.  I did not do so with the physical as I felt confident and new she would possibly loose her job as a nurse.  It changed the demeanor at the time and I immediately left for work.   

You might want to add the phone number below to your phone list, so you can access it if you need it.  A domestic violence hotline can help you make some decisions when you feel physically threatened.

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE:
www.thehotline.org/

My son looks much older than his years--so does his wife.  As I said, when you are in a situation for as many years (23) as they have been you lose you objectivity.  He seems to be in a depressive state of mind.   

Stress can be hard on you and can definitely age you.  Has your son ever had some therapy?  Perhaps therapy could be helpful for him right now, and/or for you?

They defaulted on the loan several years ago and kept it from me.  I have occasionally asked if the finances on the home were good as it became necessary for me to divest from being a watch-dog as running a retail business in addition would bury me.  

One thing you can do is ask to see the year-end mortgage statement.  If something is amiss, then you might need to ask for verification more frequently.  There should be some way for you to gains confidence that the mortgage is being paid, without you spending much time or effort.