little bit different perspective here
any recovered drug addict will tell you that your addiction is
entirely about you.
they will also tell you that the road to recovery is a path of self exploration.
the bottle or the drug is an inanimate object. it doesnt make you do anything, or not do anything. if it werent about you, youd simply put it down, and youd be just fine.
while you can become dependent upon a person, or a relationship, relationships are of course, more complex.
anyone who has recovered from a dysfunctional relationship will tell you that a relationship is a series of interactions. you cant have a dysfunctional relationship without two people participating in the dysfunction. otherwise, youd simply put it down, and youd be just fine. the relationships we choose, and the ways in which we struggle, are entirely about us. think about it: shes been long gone for a year. it stopped being about her a long time ago.
This trauma bond is almost an exact replication of my addiction to alcohol
this is a rather important piece of data.
people that are prone to addiction/substance abuse usually have the same tendencies in their relationships, to lesser and greater degrees (depending on the nature of the relationship). addiction is dysfunctional in nature. that is entirely about you, and understanding that is key for all of us to breaking the dysfunctional pattern, if that is what we want to do. otherwise, there is nothing to be learned - bad things just happen to us out of our control.
In December, she got into a new relationship and I haven't felt the same since. It no longer feels like I made the tough decision to leave and did the right thing.
...
Coming up on one year and I'm completely lost and struggling to make connections with anyone else while she's off in a new relationship. It's mind boggling how it feels like the tables have turned on me and I'm just struggling everyday with rumination and thoughts of her with her new partner.
people prone to addiction/substance abuse are also prone to excessive external referencing.
your self doubts, your comparisons to her life, your difficulty making connections, these things are about you. it may hurt - and it usually does - to see an ex move on, but from 30000 ft, shes just living her life, right? she isnt doing something
to you to cause this hurt. seeing what you saw just opened up what was already there inside of you.
so, when we suggest that her relationship will suck, or fail, or that she will behave no differently - all things people said to me during my recovery, that didnt really prove true - while it may feel good, it might not only be untrue, but it sort of misses the point. to pin our hopes on the outcome of our exes next relationship is to be
very much attached. think about it: is anyone here going through this with an ex from say, middle school or high school? if someone is long gone, does how their next relationship goes have any actual bearing on us, good or bad? if it fails, does that vindicate you, or is it a fact of life (every relationship we ever have will fail except for one, if we are lucky). what if it succeeds? does that mean that you personally are a failure, or that its possible someone out there is better suited for your ex, just like someone out there is better suited for you? if we hope to detach, shouldnt that (
our future) be the goal?
generally speaking, and if relationships are a series of interactions, we are all both the same and different from relationship to relationship. we take lessons (good and bad) from relationship to relationship. we change approaches that didnt work. we seek to find and recreate things we liked about past relationships/partners. we seek to avoid things we disliked. we
all put our best foot forward and present a version of ourselves that we think will attract a mate. and, to greater and lesser degrees, we all do a little bit better the next time. people with bpd traits are no different in that regard than the rest of us; just more extreme. its also true to the extent that to the extent ones traits/behaviors are pathological, capacity for self awareness and change are more limited - but that isnt just true for her, either - it very much applies to us, and to you.
Instead of the burn of alcohol in my throat and stomach I seek out the burn of thinking about her having sex with her new partner. Or connecting on a deeper emotional level with them than they were able to with me. There is even some relief after just like there is with the alcohol, obviously I'm not drunk, but it's like I've exhausted my body with chemicals in a different way and pass out from being emotionally exhausted
practically speaking, this isnt really different than cutting, is it?
its a coping mechanism - a dysfunctional one, in the sense that it reinforces the attachment youre working against. it doesnt feel sensible at first glance, because, ostensibly, you dont want to think about her, right? but there is a reward system at work behind it - otherwise, you wouldnt. addiction, and dopamine, all work this way.
if its something you want to stop (is it?), it helps first to understand whats at play, and then to replace dysfunctional coping mechanisms with new, healthier ones. easier said than done, of course. i had the same problem, to a lesser degree, with checking my exes social media after the breakup. its hard to say where that urge comes from, when logically youd rather not, but that urge builds and builds until you just give into it. and it reinforces itself. is it something youve talked about with your therapist? do you have alternative coping methods that you practice?
if it were me, i would look at my reaction - without judgment - as a reflection of where i am in my own detachment, and my own life contentment. the initial reaction is pretty normal - could happen to pretty much anyone - it just stings a bit to see an ex move on, and our minds tend to fill in the gaps. if youre not content in your own life, its easy to do, with anyone, if you look hard enough, and the initial reaction will tend to blow over. your struggle with it suggests that its a reflection of something deeper, that has nothing to do with her personally, and everything to do with your attachment.
