estranged daught with borderline personality disorder

[sadmarcia]

I registered on this website because I thought my estrangement from my adult daughter with BPD was mostly my fault. After reading a few of the posts, I realized that my shame and guilt were not only mine. I was so close to my daughter even though she was always difficult; however, for the past six months, she has been relentless in her desire to hurt me. She has convinced her therapist and husband that I was an abusive mother who mistreated her. I know that is not true at all. I am so hurt, but posting my message and reading others should help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Resiliant]

Hi SadMarcia, and welcome to our group. 

I am sorry to hear of your sadness, I am sure you must miss the daughter that you once had, and you must have thought you would always be able to maintain that close relationship with her. 

Do you think that you can give her the space that she wants at this time?  Do you have other family? 

I would not be too concerned about what her therapist might think of me, it is their job to listen and empathize, not to pass judgement.  As long as the therapy is working then so be it.

I know this isn't easy, but please try to stay strong and hold onto what you know about yourself.  If you give her space and do not JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain) then the power to hurt you is weakened.  I like the BIFF response method if she does try to contact you by email or other.   You can find that here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=134124.0

For me, the first time that my son who I was also very close with said that I used to be his rock but now I'm a monster it was devastating and very hurtful.   I realized just how much power this illness can have over someone and how it extends to the rest of the family. 
Now, I am at the point that he can't hurt me.  He has tried and failed in recent weeks, and I am almost ready to unblock him again.  He found a way around the email block that I had on him on a couple of days ago and the new mail has no swear words whereas the previous email and text bombing was all F**** you and this and that.  So, we are getting somewhere with this space between us.

Let us know how you are doing.

All the best,

R