Best way to go no contact?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello!  I am about 9 months out from leaving my partner of 10 years because her (unacknowledged) BPD had eroded our relationship and my own sense of reality so badly that I just couldn’t take it any more. I have been trying to maintain partial contact and it has worked well enough, with some challenges, k but recently she noticed possible signs that I had a new thing going with someone else and completely flew off the handle.

Right back into the rehashing of every old grievance and shame/blame game. I am thinking it is time to go no contact and my therapist agrees. I am wondering how to best tell her that i need to break contact. I don’t want to further provoke her and would consider going back to limited contact in the future but i don't ever want to be caught up in that confusing twist again where we end up in an awful place and i just don’t have any idea how we got there.

You all know what I’m talking about, right?  I swear it couldn't be more bewildering if i was suddenly transported to a different world where everything was upside down. And it happens out of nowhere. Its made me wonder so many times if I was the crazy one, for years. On a similar note, is it common for BDPs to keep a list of mistakes and grievances, real and imagined, that they bring out when they’re raging, like some kind of demented Santa Claus?  

This last event had her literally bringing up crap that happened 10 years ago. Its been 9 months snd I’m still struggling to unravel the truth from fiction. Any thoughts or experiences are welcome!  Sorry for the long post but i just discovered this group. .

[K Kup]

Hello!  I am about 9 months out from leaving my partner of 10 years because her (unacknowledged) BPD had eroded our relationship and my own sense of reality so badly that I just couldn’t take it any more. I have been trying to maintain partial contact and it has worked well enough, with some challenges, k but recently she noticed possible signs that I had a new thing going with someone else and completely flew off the handle.

Right back into the rehashing of every old grievance and shame/blame game. I am thinking it is time to go no contact and my therapist agrees. I am wondering how to best tell her that i need to break contact. I don’t want to further provoke her and would consider going back to limited contact in the future but i don't ever want to be caught up in that confusing twist again where we end up in an awful place and i just don’t have any idea how we got there.

You all know what I’m talking about, right?  I swear it couldn't be more bewildering if i was suddenly transported to a different world where everything was upside down. And it happens out of nowhere. Its made me wonder so many times if I was the crazy one, for years. On a similar note, is it common for BDPs to keep a list of mistakes and grievances, real and imagined, that they bring out when they’re raging, like some kind of demented Santa Claus?  

This last event had her literally bringing up crap that happened 10 years ago. Its been 9 months snd I’m still struggling to unravel the truth from fiction. Any thoughts or experiences are welcome!  Sorry for the long post but i just discovered this group. .

[HoratioX]

Hello!  I am about 9 months out from leaving my partner of 10 years because her (unacknowledged) BDP had eroded our relationship and my own sense of reality so badly that I just couldn’t take it any more. I have been trying to maintain partial contact and it has worked well enough, with some challenges, k but recently she noticed possible signs that I had a new thing going with someone else and completely flew off the handle. Right back into the rehashing of every old grievance and shame/blame game. I am thinking it is time to go no contact and my therapist agrees. I am wondering how to best tell her that i need to break contact. I don’t want to further provoke her and would consider going back to limited contact in the future but i don't ever want to be caught up in that confusing twist again where we end up in an awful place and i just don’t have any idea how we got there. You all know what I’m talking about, right?  I swear it couldn't be more bewildering if i was suddenly transported to a different world where everything was upside down. And it happens out of nowhere. Its made me wonder so many times if I was the crazy one, for years. On a similar note, is it common for BDPs to keep a list of mistakes and grievances, real and imagined, that they bring out when they’re raging, like some kind of demented Santa Claus?  This last event had her literally bringing up crap that happened 10 years ago. Its been 9 months snd I’m still struggling to unravel the truth from fiction. Any thoughts or experiences are welcome!  Sorry for the long post but i just discovered this group. .

You might want to run things past a therapist or other professional to get their input, too. That said, my advice is to state in writing to your ex that  you want to go no contact. Set the boundaries in clear terms, but then send those to her in some way that is documentable (e.g., email with a date and time stamp).

Women with BPD (or anxiety, CPTSD, etc.) can be vindictive. They can twist reality -- consciously or unconsciously -- and distort history. When they do, that invariably makes their exes the villain, whether that's really what happened or not. So, if down the road you ever need to show someone else that you weren't the villain, stating your expectations about boundaries and no contact in writing is a good idea, both so that she understands clearly what you are saying and as "proof" if needed down the line of what you said and when.

After that, you're going to have to be strong. No contact means no contact. If you start to slip, it's easy to go back to old habits and reestablish contact.

My ex with BPD/anxiety/CPTSD broke up and got back together many times over several years. She almost always came back to me, though I reached out to her once. We'd hop back into bed with each other, and things would be great for a while -- and then the cycle would start all over again. The only way for that to stop was for me to break it off finally and go no contact. It was tough at first, but it got easier as time went on. She tried a few times to wiggle back into my life, but I wasn't having it -- if she sent gifts, I didn't acknowledge them. If she called or texted, I didn't respond. At first, that made me feel bad. I'm not a cruel or impolite person. I have a heart -- even for someone who could treat me bad. But in the end, it was the best thing to do. You have to commit to no contact for it to work.

In terms of keeping a list of grievances over the years, I had to laugh. Every woman I have ever known, whether romantically or as a friend or as a family member, could recall any grievance they'd ever had with me or anyone else. So, I don't think that's unusual at all. But what can be difference is how a woman with BPD, etc., remembers things. Healthy women remember it accurately. Yes, that made be influenced by their perspective, but the essential facts are correct. That's not necessarily true of someone with BPD, etc. Again, this is why documentation can be very important. Something you forgot or something you thought was innocuous they may recall in wholly different ways -- and often to your detriment.

Good luck with all this.

[Under The Bridge]

Totally agree with everything HoratioX said. BPD outbursts invariably follow the same predictable script, repeating time and time again.

You're no longer a serious couple so she shouldn't be getting angry if you're seeing someone new - she's viewing it as 'someone taking away one of her options'. She still considers you an 'option' if nothing better turns up, thats the nature of BPD.

Yes, they certainly do remember every little thing that happened, which in itself isn't the problem - it's how they twist the innocent reality to suit themselves and you're suddenly guilty of all manner of bad things in their mind. Then when she meets her next partner she'll tell him of all these 'bad' things you did because in her mind she's made it all real.

My exBPD gave me the lecture on how all her previous partners had treated her badly then much later - after seeing her BPD in full swing -  I realised that she was the one who'd treated them badly.

If she really can't be genuine friends with you then full no-contact is the only way as things won't change. Hard to do I know - that's the way I did it after 4 years - but you have to put your own sanity and health first now as it's the only thing you have full control of.

Best wishes.

[once removed]

I am thinking it is time to go no contact and my therapist agrees. I am wondering how to best tell her that i need to break contact. I don’t want to further provoke her and would consider going back to limited contact in the future but i don't ever want to be caught up in that confusing twist again where we end up in an awful place and i just don’t have any idea how we got there.

set aside the term "no contact" for a moment. it tends to over-emphasize tactics when what needs clarity is your goals.

you have two people, together for 10 years, now broken up for 9 months.

10 years is a very long time to be together. given that you broke up with her, her healing trajectory probably looks a lot different than yours. you left the relationship because you were done with it. she has been grieving it because she wasnt. she likely has a lot of unresolved feelings to manage (you may as well). for someone in her position, its not easy, trying to both grieve someone and have them in your life. people in her position can sometimes (or often) over-step, in their grief - expect the person they are grieving to help them heal (which is neither fair, nor possible). we see this from members here, too. its messy behavior, and its also fairly ordinary.

you left the relationship, in part, as a way of resolving the conflict, and the differences between the two of you. thats what a breakup ultimately is, right? no more relationship, no more conflict. it is an "ultimate solution".

except that you still have a relationship. that relationship is full of complicated history. you both have your share of different wounds, and are on different trajectories in your healing from them.

it is not clear in reading your post what you would like to see happen. it may not be clear to you. so lets walk it through.

first, start with why you have continued to be in contact. in terms of healing, has it been an emotionally easier way to detach, as opposed to cutting ties completely? is it with the hope of getting back together down the road? is it with a genuine desire to be friends? none of these are wrong or invalid paths, but it helps to get clear on our own motivations.

if it is with the genuine desire to be friends, then it will help to understand the limitations of that, and what it can realistically look like. genuine friendship (anything more than polite acquaintances) with an ex is rare. when it happens, its made possible because two people successfully detach, and ultimately form a new, very different kind of relationship. even then, its usually not a very emotionally involved one. im friends with a few exes from very bitter breakups. they arent close relationships, they are satisfying/life enriching to a degree, but they arent a focal point in my life - theres very little to no "maintenance" involved. and none of that was possible initially, because we both had hard feelings.

is that possible here? it could be, but in order for that to happen, you both really have to emerge from your respective processes.

if it is because one or both of you are both hanging on to the connection because it is easier or preferable than letting each other go, recognize what you both are doing, and recognize the potential for clashing that it creates when two wounded people cant quite let go of each other and/or their wounds.

that may mean understanding that the two of you are in very different places, and that for her, through no fault of your own, any sign of you moving on opens her wounds and steps on her grief. thats ordinary too, right? even the person who did the breaking up can feel a tinge of it when they see their ex moving on. for someone with bpd traits, it can be an even greater challenge to, for lack of a better word, keep their  together.

is there a role for you in that? not much. can you let her vent without being wounded by it? can you validate her experience or answer her questions without stepping on her grief? if you can, that can sometimes help a person get through that transition. it can also make things worse. these are rhetorical questions, by the way. generally speaking, its not the responsibility of either party to help the other heal, and its also largely impossible. you have your own healing trajectory. you have your own experience, your own wounds. youre not really in a position to speak to hers. there isnt a right or wrong; its about getting clear on your own motivations, and what you ultimately want to see happen. simply put, if you genuinely want to be friends with her, you will probably have to endure a level of drama to get there, if you ever do.

alternatively, it may mean recognizing that youre both doing something dysfunctional in your healing (carried over from the dysfunction of the relationship), and being the one to finally break the cycle of conflict and let go.

then, think big picture: what are you really asking?

do you just want to end the drama and stop fighting? then stop fighting. you can politely refuse to engage. you can set limits. there are a whole range of options.

do you just want space because this is too difficult right now, but might get easier later? then just set about deliberately creating that space - you dont have to announce it or "go no contact" - that tends to be a more emotionally loaded approach.

do you really want to just terminate the relationship but youre hesitant to do it, either because of her feelings, yours, or both? recognize that doing so is hard, that there are no great ways to go about it, but that it would be a greater kindness to you both, and resolve to make the mentally challenging decision to do it, and then do it. there may be fallout or drama - you cant necessarily control that.

there are a lot of options between "contact" or "no contact". navigating gets easier when we are honest with ourselves about our own motivations, and then clear on our goals.

no contact, the right way and the wrong way: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

[K Kup]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies!  You've given me a lot to think about.  I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (given to me by my therapist) and suddenly had a bit of an epiphany about what really happened last week.  I did three things at once that triggered her abandonment fears that night and triggered her in a couple of other ways in the weeks prior.  Of course, I didn't know that I was doing it at the time because I didn't understand yet what her feelings really were (she is literally unable to state her own feelings and I'm not sure she even knows how to identify them).  That night she saw "evidence" that I abandoned her by seeing someone else, I abandoned her again by telling her I was unavailable for a few days later in the week because I had to attend to some other people (friends and family), then abandoned her again by physically distancing myself when things started to spin out of control.  All this after going on a trip to see family out of state for a week and being unavailable for two events I normally would have attended with her and declining to stay overnight with her when we were working on a project together.  No wonder, she lost it.  In hindsight, I'm shocked it didn't happen sooner!

I'm rethinking the no contact idea and considering just telling her that I thought about the events of last week and realized that I triggered some bad feelings inadvertently and could have handled it more sensitively, then set some boundaries.  I do genuinely want to be friends if it is possible, though I have no interest at all in resuming a romantic relationship.  For one thing, she really has almost no one else since her behavior has estranged her from all of her family relationships and destroyed literally all of her friendships except one online friend who only gets part of the story. She self harms and talks about suicide a lot.  I know I can't take responsibility for her self harm or lack of friends and I can't fix her broken family relationships either.  But it's really hard to blow up one of the only bridges she has left standing, even if it is badly damaged.  There is a wonderful person buried deep under all that rage and hurt and I care about her.

[PeteWitsend]

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful replies!  You've given me a lot to think about.  I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells (given to me by my therapist) and suddenly had a bit of an epiphany about what really happened last week.  I did three things at once that triggered her abandonment fears that night and triggered her in a couple of other ways in the weeks prior.  Of course, I didn't know that I was doing it at the time because I didn't understand yet what her feelings really were (she is literally unable to state her own feelings and I'm not sure she even knows how to identify them).  That night she saw "evidence" that I abandoned her by seeing someone else, I abandoned her again by telling her I was unavailable for a few days later in the week because I had to attend to some other people (friends and family), then abandoned her again by physically distancing myself when things started to spin out of control.  All this after going on a trip to see family out of state for a week and being unavailable for two events I normally would have attended with her and declining to stay overnight with her when we were working on a project together.  No wonder, she lost it.  In hindsight, I'm shocked it didn't happen sooner!

I'm rethinking the no contact idea and considering just telling her that I thought about the events of last week and realized that I triggered some bad feelings inadvertently and could have handled it more sensitively, then set some boundaries.  I do genuinely want to be friends if it is possible, though I have no interest at all in resuming a romantic relationship.  For one thing, she really has almost no one else since her behavior has estranged her from all of her family relationships and destroyed literally all of her friendships except one online friend who only gets part of the story. She self harms and talks about suicide a lot.  I know I can't take responsibility for her self harm or lack of friends and I can't fix her broken family relationships either.  But it's really hard to blow up one of the only bridges she has left standing, even if it is badly damaged.  There is a wonderful person buried deep under all that rage and hurt and I care about her.

If you are going to maintain contact, I think you need to be prepared to have to set and maintain boundaries more forcefully.  You also need to consider what sort of relationship you have here, if you're going to have to forego healthy and normal things - like going to see your family and dating other people - just in order to keep her happy. 

There are plenty of stories here about how poorly pwBPD do in terms of maintaining healthy boundaries themselves; once they know they have an "in" ... i.e. once they are able to get a reaction from you and attention from you, it's unlikely they're going to stay within the bounds of what would be reasonable.

To put it another way, in maintaining contact, you're giving them an inch.  They're going to try to take a mile, every single time.

[PeteWitsend]

Here, I might have told her "we're no longer together, and so we're each free to see other people.  If you can't accept that, and are going to fly off the handle in anger, then we can't continue to be friends."

Force her to recognize that her behavior is causing the issue, and that the ball is in her court as to how she wants things to go. 

Of course, she's unlikely to take this well, and will want to get on the phone or in person so she can spin things her way, so perhaps the best way to communicate is via email or text only, so you're not giving her that opportunity.  And you have to be prepared to maintain and enforce this boundary by going no contact if she doesn't abide by it.  If you continue to engage with her, then you're just going through the unhealthy patterns you're trying to break.

[HoratioX]

Totally agree with everything HoratioX said. BPD outbursts invariably follow the same predictable script, repeating time and time again.

You're no longer a serious couple so she shouldn't be getting angry if you're seeing someone new - she's viewing it as 'someone taking away one of her options'. She still considers you an 'option' if nothing better turns up, thats the nature of BPD.

Yes, they certainly do remember every little thing that happened, which in itself isn't the problem - it's how they twist the innocent reality to suit themselves and you're suddenly guilty of all manner of bad things in their mind. Then when she meets her next partner she'll tell him of all these 'bad' things you did because in her mind she's made it all real.

My exBPD gave me the lecture on how all her previous partners had treated her badly then much later - after seeing her BPD in full swing -  I realised that she was the one who'd treated them badly.

If she really can't be genuine friends with you then full no-contact is the only way as things won't change. Hard to do I know - that's the way I did it after 4 years - but you have to put your own sanity and health first now as it's the only thing you have full control of.

Best wishes.

Wise words. To add to that, my ex could never just be friends unless it was friends with benefits. Within five minutes of being in each other's presence, we were always having some type of sex. Even when I was upset with her, even when I said we needed to be adults and hash out what was wrong in our relationship first, she was throwing herself at me.  Now, I don't mean to imply that she is the model for all people with BPD or that my weakness in this area is what the original poster would experience, but not respecting boundaries and using sex as leverage seem to be pretty common elements of stories I read and hear from people with an ex with BPD, etc. So, to me, any kind of relationship -- acquaintance, friend, lover -- is fraught with exactly the same potential to slide past boundaries without care for the consequences. That makes the person without BPD, etc., in a very vulnerable position, and if they're going to forge ahead, they have to be strong.

[HoratioX]

If you are going to maintain contact, I think you need to be prepared to have to set and maintain boundaries more forcefully.  You also need to consider what sort of relationship you have here, if you're going to have to forego healthy and normal things - like going to see your family and dating other people - just in order to keep her happy. 

There are plenty of stories here about how poorly pwBPD do in terms of maintaining healthy boundaries themselves; once they know they have an "in" ... i.e. once they are able to get a reaction from you and attention from you, it's unlikely they're going to stay within the bounds of what would be reasonable.

To put it another way, in maintaining contact, you're giving them an inch.  They're going to try to take a mile, every single time.

Right on the nose. I don't know the guy posting. I'm sure he's got a lot more discipline and self control with me. I don't know his ex., of course. But I'd hazard the odds are if you try to just have a platonic friendship with an ex with BPD, etc., especially if the romantic one was highly sexual, the chances of not ending up in the sack together and just starting the dysfunctional relationship again are pretty slim.

[K Kup]

I keep seeing all these references to amazing sex with BPDs and my experience must be an anomaly. For nearly all of our 10 years together she showed absolutely zero interest in making sex a pleasure for me. She just wanted sexual gratification for herself and frequently guilted me into it or blamed me for not giving her what she wanted after I (understandably, I think) lost all interest in having sex with her. It made me feel used and like a tool, not a person who deserved to get anything out of it myself. It certainly wasn’t intimacy.

It became more like a job that I had to do to get a bullying boss to stope berating me. Or like she was forcing me to confirm that she was important and I was not. When I would try to explain, she turned it around on me and said I was being selfish. I even tried encouraging her to get her sexual needs met elsewhere (we did start with an open relationship, which was promptly shut down by her after we were settled together). She would not do it, apparent preferring to use it as leverage against me. Honestly I think she enjoyed the guilt and bad feelings she could raise in me more than she enjoyed sex when we had it.

[PeteWitsend]

I keep seeing all these references to amazing sex with BPDs and my experience must be an anomaly. ...

Not an anomaly; everyone's experiences are different, and the dynamics in each relationship are different as well. 

I've been reading and posting here for several years, and have read plenty of accounts of non-existent sex lives in BPD-relationships, or dysfunctional sex lives; you're not alone.  Some pwBPD use sex to control the other person, some seem to crave it wantonly, and some have no interest in it whatsoever.  Or lose interest soon after they feel their partner is committed and won't leave them over a lack of it. 

[K Kup]

Thank you, Pete!it really helps to know I’m not the only one. It might not be the most common experience but it helps to know that others have had the experience too. I can’t believe I let her use and control me like that for so long. I actually had a very healthy sex drive all my life until this dynamic came up. I’m  only just now coming back to myself after all these months and working hard to disentangle the judgement, blame, and controlling behavior to enjoy my sexuality again. I just had to turn off any sexual response or desire for so long to avoid agreeing with the false narrative that she was deserving of and entitled to sexual attention and desire and I was not. I never imagined anything could kill my sexual confidence and my self esteem but she almost did it.

I’m trying hard not to judge myself for giving away so much of myself to salvage a relationship that tore me down so often I almost thought I’d never be able to get up again. I know it’s the disorder and skewed perspective that create the responses snd behavior, not the person. But I find myself embarrassed and ashamed at letting it get so bad and not standing up for myself sooner. In my case at least, I feel like it was the classic frog in slowly boiling water, but I have to take responsibility for not taking action when the red flags started piling up and that’s on me.

[PeteWitsend]

... I know it’s the disorder and skewed perspective that create the responses snd behavior, not the person.

You can understand where they're coming from or why they might act the way they do, but you should not excuse their behavior or accept it.  They should be held accountable for their actions, just as any other adult would.  As debilitating as BPD may be, they're not insane; they are still very much aware of what they're doing.

But I find myself embarrassed and ashamed at letting it get so bad and not standing up for myself sooner. In my case at least, I feel like it was the classic frog in slowly boiling water, but I have to take responsibility for not taking action when the red flags started piling up and that’s on me.

It's understandable to feel this way, but note that BPD is pretty insidious, in that Borderlines rely on the good and better nature in other people in order to control and use them.  So while you may have been slow in standing up for yourself, and not doing it as affirmatively as you should have, it was because you're a patient person.  So don't beat yourself up too much; you had to learn to recognize some of this the same as the rest of us did.

[HoratioX]

I keep seeing all these references to amazing sex with BPDs and my experience must be an anomaly. For nearly all of our 10 years together she showed absolutely zero interest in making sex a pleasure for me. She just wanted sexual gratification for herself and frequently guilted me into it or blamed me for not giving her what she wanted after I (understandably, I think) lost all interest in having sex with her. It made me feel used and like a tool, not a person who deserved to get anything out of it myself. It certainly wasn’t intimacy. It became more like a job that I had to do to get a bullying boss to stope berating me. Or like she was forcing me to confirm that she was important and I was not. When
 I would try to explain, she turned it around on me and said I was being selfish. I even tried encouraging her to get her sexual needs met elsewhere (we did start with an open relationship, which was promptly shut down by her after we were settled together). She would not do it, apparent preferring to use it as leverage against me. Honestly I think she enjoyed the guilt and bad feelings she could raise in me more than she enjoyed sex when we had it.

Everyone's experiences are different, of course, but I've seen quite a few posts online where either sex as a tool or sex in overdrive is common among people with BPD, etc.

That said, I will point out two things:

1) My ex was diagnosed by multiple therapists, if I'm to believe her and/or some of the paperwork she let me see. One diagnosed her with anxiety, another with PTSD. The third diagnosed her with BPD. There were also some comorbids, like depression. She was taking multiple medications, too.

2) It's entirely possible my ex was mirroring me. I have a pretty strong sex drive, and she could well have been matching it to keep up or to control me. I know that even if we got into an argument, soon we were having sex. That said, there were two elements of her personality that felt real, for lack of a better term, to me. One was her sex drive. She not only was as enthusiastic as me, but she was exceptionally good at it. I'm going to assume that practice made perfect.

Something to keep in mind, too, is whether someone with BPD, etc., has a low or high sex drive, the medication they're on, if any, can directly affect that. I've known women (that I wasn't involved with) who once they got on antidepressants, for instance, found their sex drive reduced significantly. I knew a woman who went on the birth control Depo and her sex drive essentially went to zero.

[K Kup]

Thanks for the info and encouragement!  It’s been less than a week since I started learning about BPD and the pieces started falling into place and I feel relief at knowing I’m not crazy but also and unexpectedly I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety for days. Today I had an anxiety attack for the first time in 14 years and it hit me out of nowhere. I tried to focus on my feelings and realized that I was feeling really unsafe, even though rationally I know that I don’t have to see or interact with with her if I don't want to. I have been trying to decide how to go get some sentimental things out of the house we shared because she threatened to use them for “target practice” and I think the threat to things that are meaningful to me  feels a little too close to a threat to me. I decided to not go over there until I know she is out of town even I lose my belongings. None of it is worth what I was feeling today.

I also think that all this learning and realization has been a very good and empowering thing, but also maybe a stress to absorb all at once. You know how in movies the person stuck at a great height is told to not look down and then they do?  I feel like I’ve been clinging to a cliff for 10 years to only just now look down to recognize the real emotional danger I’ve been in and my body and mind panicked. Have any of you had a similar experience?

[Under The Bridge]

..only just now look down to recognize the real emotional danger I’ve been in and my body and mind panicked. Have any of you had a similar experience?

There comes a time when you finally realise that they are the whole problem and not anything you're doing or not doing. Hindsight is a great thing and it's only when you look back analytically that you see all the red flags neatly lined up.. and then wonder how you just ignored them and carried on.

I put my ex's inital mood swings down to her saying that previous partners hadn't treated her well so I made allowances, but eventually I thought 'She should know by now that I'm genuine and am treating her great', especially with everyone who knew us also saying that.

Having never experienced a BPD relationship before, our own self-doubts make us think, in some way, we must be doing something wrong to cause our partner to act like they do and it can cause a lot of frustration and stress until we eventually realise the fault isn't ours.

It actually came as a relief to realise that I hadn't changed and was still the same person.

[SinisterComplex]

There comes a time when you finally realise that they are the whole problem and not anything you're doing or not doing. Hindsight is a great thing and it's only when you look back analytically that you see all the red flags neatly lined up.. and then wonder how you just ignored them and carried on.

I put my ex's inital mood swings down to her saying that previous partners hadn't treated her well so I made allowances, but eventually I thought 'She should know by now that I'm genuine and am treating her great', especially with everyone who knew us also saying that.

Having never experienced a BPD relationship before, our own self-doubts make us think, in some way, we must be doing something wrong to cause our partner to act like they do and it can cause a lot of frustration and stress until we eventually realise the fault isn't ours.

It actually came as a relief to realise that I hadn't changed and was still the same person.

"I put my ex's inital mood swings down to her saying that previous partners hadn't treated her well so I made allowances." - If that isn't one of the most common themes around these boards....

You want to believe your partner and so you overlook things. They sense you buy in and use your ego and arrogance of believing you are the better option and partner than previous partners to draw you in.

This is why I do say for those who do get crushed to not take it so personally even though that is much easier said than done. In a sense there is a solace in knowing that you are not only one to get hurt or to have faced such dramatic and traumatic experiences with that partner. Unfortunately...the way to look at is being a character in a role playing game and you play a side character who fills a role at a certain time and then the party continues to move on after your arc.

Just some food for thought...

Please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-