Son 20 diagnosed with BPD

[Ga2004]

Hello Support group,
My son is nearly 20, last year he attempted to overdose himself when we learnt that he has BPD.
He stays all by himself locked in the room. He is seeing a physiatrist, does not believe in Therapy.
We can't be sure of his mood keeps changing.. he might be very good another day in another mood. I realize he does not realize what happens in the other world. My daughter is 26 who is independent has moved out since 2 yrs now.
He has very weird sleep and eat patterns, does not go out , in his final sem of his diploma. Not sure he will even pass out as he stays most of the time at home.
its tough to say anything and ask anything about his life to him.. i feel so helpless though i want to help him he does not want any of us. He keeps playing games and always in his virtual world. Comes to us only if he needs money or food.
Any boundaries set becomes tough he feels we hate him.. that's the tough part..
Any advice would be of great help..
- helpless Mom:(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm sorry you're in this position and I can remember those years with my BPD daughter.  Very tough times.

Question- what have you read on BPD so far?  Have you sought out any support?  Have you read any of the books out there on BPD?  If not, I'd recommend starting with "Stop Walking on Eggshells."

Your son is mentally ill and will not seek treatment until he sees a reason to.  Right now, he hangs out in his room, eats your food, uses your electric, and plays video games all day.  If you try to steer him away from that lifestyle, like every parent has to do these days, he gets mean and explodes in anger, sadness, and drama.

In other words, he has everything he wants and needs while never being held responsible for anything.  Why would he want to change?

My advice to you is to hold him accountable.  Teach right from wrong in every circumstance.  If he's abusive, ask him to leave.  If he won't leave, call the police.  He needs to learn that actions have consequences and he can't abuse his parents.  He is mentally ill and that's sad, but it is not an excuse to abuse anyone.  He still has to become an adult regardless and he won't do that until you make him.

Everything about this is impossibly hard, but you have to make a choice on what's best for your household.  You can enable him to lay around and blame everyone, or you can hold him responsible and have some rules of the house.  One forces him to change and will ultimately help him see why he needs therapy.  The other brings chaos and hurts everyone in your home as your son fights to remain a child.

It's ultimately your choice, to stand firm or ignore.  But for now, he's manipulating everyone and getting sicker because of it.  Because doing nothing is also a life lesson, it's teaching him that bad behavior gets rewarded and he should escalate more in the future.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Pook is wise, he gives great advice. Many parents on these boards can relate to your situation.  You said your son is one semester away from his diploma—would that be high school, vocational school or maybe college?  If it’s for college, then he has some brains and is at least reasonably functional, which is a strong reason for hope. Many people with untreated BPD can’t handle serious commitments or stresses without meltdowns. The loved one with BPD in my life was so consumed by volatile emotions and negative thoughts that studying and working became practically impossible. She had erratic sleep habits, which can indicate poor sleep hygiene (excessive screens in bed…) and the lack of a regular daily routine. For people who have trouble handling stress, I think that a lack of routine can be extra destabilizing. Excessive sleep can indicate depression. And erratic sleep can feel like having jet lag all the time. Anxiety can make it hard to sleep sometimes, too.

If you want to know what’s bugging your son, my suggestion is to listen for the emotions behind his outbursts, and listen for projection. For example, he might call you a lazy, good-for-nothing loser, which probably reflects exactly what he thinks about himself, not you. If he says, I’m an adult, I can do whatever I want, that’s code for him feeling childish and stuck. If he says you should go kill yourself, I imagine that he’s contemplating suicide. You see, these feelings, which are all very human ones, are too intense for him to handle, and to cope he often needs to blame someone else for his problems. Does he have a victim attitude?  That’s classic BPD. For as long as he’s a victim, he’s not responsible, and he expects everyone else to change, not him. Since the world doesn’t owe him anything, he is perpetually disappointed.

I bet he’s scared, too. He doesn’t know what he wants in the real world or how to get it without falling apart. He might have a trauma-like, fight or flight reaction to stress. Hiding away in a bedroom sounds like flight to me. Now he may be addicted to video games—that’s a sort of flight that is both easy and fun in the moment. But video games probably are not fulfilling or satisfactory in the long term. He self-soothes with video games and yet they crowd out all sorts of fulfilling activities and relationships. I bet he’s really lonely and ready to blame you for that. He might think that everyone hates him. Since his sister launched successfully, he probably thinks she left him behind. He might feel inferior by comparison, and since they are not on equal footing, he might cut her out.

I’d say, he’s a man now and needs to be responsible for himself. Since phones and video games are luxuries, I’d expect him to pay for those if he so chooses. He should also help around the house, or pay some rent, or both. That way he’d have to work at least a few hours a week. He might work at his school, walk dogs, deliver food, mow lawns, tutor kids or whatever job suits him best. It wouldn’t have to be full time, as that would likely be too much for him at first. If he chooses not to work, then fine, he loses his phone and Wi-Fi. His choice.

Look, if your son has BPD, it can be a debilitating emotional handicap if not treated. It helped me to think of my loved one with BPD as having an emotional age equivalent to about 70% of her chronological age. So at 20, she was operating emotionally like a 14-year-old. I imagine that early adulthood was terribly scary, challenging and confusing to her.  She needed extra help and support in learning to manage her emotions and handle stress better. And we had to adjust expectations about her daily functioning. I think in terms of baby steps. I also think in terms of heading in the right direction, rather than the speed of progress. Is your son heading in the right direction, even if he’s a bit slower than his sister or peers?  Or is he just stuck?  Worse, is he looking backwards, blaming you for a terrible childhood?  No matter which way he’s moving (if at all), he shouldn’t be terrorizing you in your home with violence or threats. If he’s a terrorist, I think you need to take action to protect yourself, and kick him out.

[Ga2004]

Thanks so much for both of you . I could relate so many things .
The good part is he does not hurt any of us keep to himself .
He is in his final year of diploma which is still considered pre-university. He has yet to go for his degree . Here in Singapore he has to complete his 2 yr of army which I am yet not sure if he will be called ..
he chose not to go to pre Uni stream and chose a music diploma which we supported but yet he is not sure if he can sustain with his diploma as his results are not as great . He has just passed through .

He has low attendance in college.. now we are waiting for his completion to take any step further . He wants to study further but he is not sure what he wants to pursue further and not confident he can afford to pay the loan too ..

Mainly he does not respond to any messages keeps his room in a mess . Does not clean his room nor allows us to .. he is also into vaping so he keeps hiding when he buys these stuff ..

After long today he has had dinner .. he eats also in his room so hardly comes out other than for food and bathroom .

Expects parents to do all his chores .. if we don’t do it’s lying there .. .. he says he will do but that never happens .. so it’s of hard to say anything .
The other day he used some of my kitchen stuff and did not care to keep it properly so i had to say you have to do it a certain way that triggered him so is this not my house can’t I do what I want .. hmm it’s a tough to say but after a lot of thought I had to tell him this is not your house so he just stopped talking to me for almost a month . He still has that anger in his mind .. I had to tell him you can do anything when you have your own place .. I did not know how to react to him ..

Looks very long …

I have ready the book stop walking on eggshells

It’s really tough to have conversation on boundaries where he will decide to react which we are not ready …

- ga

[CC43]

Indeed the transition from childhood to adulthood is fraught, and it's an order of magnitude more difficult for someone with BPD.

Though BPD plays a major role in dysfunction, he's still acting like a child because you treat him like one.  He gets to have all the playtime he wants in his room, while you pay for his lodging, food and utilities, and he has no responsibilities around the house.  You probably launder his clothes, because if you don't he'll only wear dirty things, or he'll wreck the washer/dryer.  You probably cook for him, because if he cooks, he leaves the kitchen a mess, right?  You might pay some of his bills, because if he falls behind on his debts, he'll lose his credit card, his car, his bank account or his good credit rating.  Like Pook wrote, he has everything he wants, so why would he ever change?  YOU are the one who feels the consequences of his poor decisions, not him.  And even if he feels childlike and unhappy, he doesn't have the ability to plan, make decisions or get things done to make his life look like one that is appropriate for a young man.  Moreover, changes are hard, and he resists doing anything that is hard.  He gravitates to whatever is easy and fun--which is fine, as long as he's being responsible and doing what he should be doing.  But I doubt he's doing what he should be doing (finishing his education, enjoying his friendships, helping around the house, getting some job experience . . . ).  Maybe he fears failure, or maybe he feels inferior; maybe he doesn't know how to go about making changes, or maybe he's just plain lazy.  The thing is, the longer he remains "stuck" in a childlike-state, the harder it is for him to move on.  Moving on might include getting therapy, going to university, getting a job, doing military service, taking a life-skills class, moving to an apartment with roommates, or any number of activities that help him make the transition towards adulthood and eventual independence.  Meanwhile, he'll see his former friends and family members hit adult milestones--working, living independently, having romantic relationships, getting married--while he remains stuck lying about in his childhood bedroom.  Though he thinks it's fun at first, in the long run, he'll feel angry, inferior, alienated, bored, and frustrated, correct?  He'll have a huge hit to his ego, and his very identity.  He'll likely start lashing out at you in frustration.  Here are some typical accusations:  it's all your fault, my childhood was terrible, everyone is mean to me, the world is horrible, it's hopeless, I can do whatever I want, I'm not your slave, nobody's hiring, the boss was terrible, my coworkers are idiots, I hate you, leave me alone, school is stupid anyway.  Does that sound about right?

OK now Pook may disagree with me on this topic, but for me, it's much more important what people DO rather than what they say or feel.  My loved one with BPD can ignore me all she wants, hide out in her room, and be petulant, sulky and rude, AS LONG AS she's doing what she's supposed to be doing.  (But she should not destroy property or be a threat to herself or others--that's a hard boundary in my opinion.)  In my opinion, her main responsibility at first was going to her therapy appointments.  Then later, her responsibility was to find and keep a part-time job, while continuing therapy.  To me, she could whine all she wanted to about how tired she was, how her co-workers were mean, how her boss was stupid, etc., as long as she didn't quit.  Again, for me the priority was action over words and feelings.  Maybe I'll always be the "evil stepmother" in her eyes, but I don't really care as long as she's doing what she's supposed to be doing.  I know that I want what's best for her, and I think she'll eventually understand that, even if in the short term I sound "horrible" to her for insisting that she get a job, clean up around the house and such.  The good news is that she took her therapy seriously, and she has been doing much better.  But before, she was holed up in her room, rotting away, hating herself and everyone, absolutely miserable.

[Ga2004]

Thanks yes you right on the accusations he makes about childhood and very saying that nothing in this world is great .. he wants to do all things he likes .

I want to know how to break open this discussion with him .. many times I want to but he just walks off why you want to know what’s for you .. it’s my life .. I know what I am doing .. but I fail to make him understand how to address it . How to find the right therapist in another issue .. now his birthday is near the corner and we are in the verge of planning my daughter’s wedding next year .

However at this stage I want to ensure he is taken care off without issues of complexity .. getting him involved also .,


Taking to him when he is the right mind set is getting do tough
I would wish to be tougher in addressing the issues but he does not take it that way rather it fires back on us leading to issues ..

[Notwendy]

I don't doubt the assessment of the professionals who diagnosed your son, as I am not one, but to see an adult male struggle academically, be shut down in their room playing video games- I also wonder about other possible issues- autism spectrum? Learning issues?

On one hand this could be an adult child who feels entitled and is preferring to live at home rather than to move out on his own and get a job. Or- is this possibly an adult child who isn't capable of doing that, due to his mental health issues, sees his peers move on, have jobs and relationships and is spiralling down due to not being able to do that? When you try to talk to him about this situation, he's reacting in shame.

It's not known why he's behaving like this.  It's more typical for an almost 20 year old man to want to break away from his parents, have their own social life. You mentioned he didn't choose university but the music degree- will this be sufficient to sustain himself? I don't know what options there are in your area,  but surely there must be a need for people with technical skills, carpentry, car mechanics, and these are good jobs that don't require 4 year university. (in the US)

Whatever is going on with your son, I think he is aware that he is not keeping up with his peers or the expectations for young men his age. What possible positive feedback could he be having? It may be that being good at video games is the only time he feels any success.

First I think it needs to be established what he is actually capable of. I mention this because this kind of thing can happen with young adults who are on the spectrum and yet, lack the social skills or executive function to make steps to succeed in the world- and so they may need coaching or some assistance to gain that competency. My BPD mother was very intelligent but due to her emotional issues, and very weak executive function, she was not able to manage daily tasks. I think this caused her a lot of shame and she then acted out on this.

It seems like your son has plenty to remind him of what he can not do or isn't doing. What is something he is able to do- so he can get some positive feedback for that? You may need to have some counseling for yourself to support you in this situation and also give you suggestions for where to start with your son. He's going to act beligerent if you bring up his failure to meet expectations, out of feeling shame,  but what expectations can he meet? What tasks can you do together? If he wants food, maybe have him learn a new recipe with you. Do a chore with him together- that way he learns. This may feel like he's a child, but emotionally, he may be feeling like that. If starting at the top "get a job, move out, do chores" isn't working, maybe starting low, asking him for help with a task to do together may possibly work better?

[Resiliant]

It seems like your son has plenty to remind him of what he can not do or isn't doing. What is something he is able to do- so he can get some positive feedback for that? You may need to have some counseling for yourself to support you in this situation and also give you suggestions for where to start with your son. He's going to act beligerent if you bring up his failure to meet expectations, out of feeling shame,  but what expectations can he meet? What tasks can you do together? If he wants food, maybe have him learn a new recipe with you. Do a chore with him together- that way he learns. This may feel like he's a child, but emotionally, he may be feeling like that. If starting at the top "get a job, move out, do chores" isn't working, maybe starting low, asking him for help with a task to do together may possibly work better?

I love this from NotWendy.   I too have a son who would have loved to be holed up in a room with your son doing the same thing.  My son is now 36.

When I read your post and the excellent responses from everyone, all I could think about was this:

Every human being needs to feel valued.  BPD or not.  And as long as he continues like this, and realizes that his peers are moving on with their lives his shame will grow and his sense of worth with shrink.

Right now the video games are giving him some sense of value as he progresses through levels.  It is filling a void, but it is superficial.

He is learning to manipulate you into leaving him alone and letting him do what he wants by his reaction to you putting your foot down.  My son would do the same thing.  He would say "because of you I am too upset and I will likely get fired because I can't do my job like this and I can't sleep because of you"... your son might say "I can't focus because of you and so I'm going to fail my exam because I can't study when you are making me so upset by the way that you are treating me".

He is going to fight you on this because in his room he is in his "comfort zone".  His "safe zone".   NotWendy's ideas are similar to what I was thinking of.  Can you find creative ways to pull him out of it?   If he doesn't want to cook with you, maybe leave something out with instructions for him to make his own?   If you ask him for help unloading groceries will he do so?   Ask him for help as often as possible, maybe he can do things that you can't and therefore will feel more valuable.  Try to smile, laugh and have fun as much as possible when doing any of these things together.  A lighthearted joke always makes things seem more fun and less punishing.  Try to remember to treat him like an adult even though he seems childish in his emotional state.  He will appreciate the respect.

Be prepared for him to become resentful of his sister for her success and for you celebrating her success.  And be prepared for his sister to become resentful of him (and possibly even you) because she is working hard and taking responsibility. 

This isn't easy.  Sorry if I didn't make it easier!  Something to chew on...

R

[CC43]

Hi again,

I love the idea of positive feedback.  I know that when the loved one with BPD was living with me, I was constantly, actively looking for things to praise.  Alas, some days there was precious little to praise, because she'd hide in her room.  But if she got up and got dressed, I'd say, you look really nice today.  Since she was obsessive about her looks, that went a long way.  If she helped pick up a napkin off the floor, I'd say, thank you for noticing and being helpful!  Nothing is too small for praise.

I have a close friend with a young adult son with some special needs--he was unable to finish conventional high school.  Of course, his confidence suffered, and at the same time, he was intensely jealous of his younger sister, for whom everything seemed easy.  He really struggled with the transition to adulthood and suffered a rough patch when he self-medicated with illicit substances.  But his mom provided all sorts of emotional support for him.  One thing she did was find a male therapist/life coach for her son.  She also found a life skills class for him, which he enjoyed and learned enormously from.  I'm not sure what the full course looked like, but I know it included useful things like how to plan and schedule a day, tactics for conflict resolution, self-care (basic meal planning, cooking, cleaning, basic hygiene, exercise, sleep routines), home maintenance, what's involved in job applications/finding a job, basic budgeting, stress management, important documents, etc.  I think part of the benefit of taking a course like that was knowing that there are other young men and women around who experience similar challenges with adulting but learn to overcome them!  In addition, this young man was able to try various jobs.  Though it took some time to the find jobs with the right fit, he did not give up (his mother wouldn't let him).  At first, he tried all sorts of part-time positions like working at Home Depot, working as a stage hand at events, making deliveries and working at a warehouse.  The physical nature of the jobs was a challenge at first, but he built some muscle, which really boosted his confidence.  Then he joined a gym and got into the routine of working out.  A key aspect was making friendships on the job and at the gym, which got easier for him with repeated, low-stakes encounters.  Initially, his mom controlled his paycheck, and she made sure he deposited at least half of it into a savings account for as long as he lived at his mom's home.  In a couple of years, everyone was surprised by how much he had managed to save.  Soon enough, he felt the urge to move out on his own (he would have been in his early 20s).  He found an ideal situation, renting with three other guy friends of his.  With his savings, he was able to afford to move out.  Fortunately, he didn't move far away, and he was able to visit the parental home frequently to check in, do laundry and enjoy a family dinner.  All around, it was a huge success story.  This was a guy with learning disabilities/ADHD?/mild autism/emotional dysregulation issues who went from being holed up in his bedroom smoking pot, playing video games and punching holes in the wall, to someone who progressed to near full-time employment and semi-independent living in around three or four years.  Based on what I know, I think a critical first step was finding the right male therapist.  In addition, in the area he lived, I don't think there was any negative stigma doing manual labor or belonging to a union.  All jobs are worthwhile in my opinion.  The key is to find a job that best suits a person's natural talents and interests.  For this young man, I think a job provided all sorts of benefits, from the routine, to providing an identity, purpose, and regular social connections, and of course some money.