Two deaths, two different mournings

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Haven't written in ages, but wanted to talk about my experience of loss, mourning and BPD.
Previously on "Strawberry29": my brother is uBPD, lives with parents, hadn't seen him in 2 years but he continuously messaged me, includign insults and accusations, and would close himself in his room when I was visiting my parents.

Development: on Xmas Eve, he abruptly texted me to go downstairs, and that we could make peace "as a Xmas gift to mum". Next two days were nice, then I left. Couple of days later, our dad sadly passed away. The way I learnt it was a phone call from my brother at 2am that went pretty much like this "Dad is dead. He did not suffer. By the way, your friend XYZ behaved once again awfully towards me..."

The days after that were tough, but actually not as bad as they would have been had we not "made peace" two days prior. There were difficult moments, like having to bear certain things he was saying to distant relatives in front of our dead dad body, things like "ah, yes, we did not talk with my brother because he abandoned us, but now I udnerstand he also has a family so he did not do it because he's bad". There were also nice moments, the funeral went really well and he only said good things in his speech.

After I left, I tried initially to message him every now and then to check on him. When his responses were getting toxic, I backed away but without disappearing. Then two things happened: first, the will was opened. It was not as he had hoped it to be. Let's be clear, it literally says one home goes to me and one to him, and the money are split in half. But, he wanted the other home (which is more expensive and am sure he could not keep for more than a year). Note my mum's therapist recommended her to nominate a guarantor for my brother, but she refused, as she felt she had done enoguh over the years and had not the strength any more to do something like this.
He straight away messages me to say our relationship is broken again because of the will. I told him that, while he has all the rights to feel how he likes about the will, it was not my decision and there is no reason why it should destroy our relationship.

Despite this, as before he kept messaging about every little drama with our mom. At some point, I just could not bear any longer and told him "thanks, but as I told you several times, I am not interested in personal issues between the two of you". He twisted my words somehow, saying around that I had said "I do not care about the two of you", and stopped messaging me.

Last week, the second thing happened: my mom's sister died. I went again to a funeral, but this time my brother was not there. He managed to message the grieving husband to say "sorry I cannot be there because of my brother, but it is thanks to me that everyone is coming to the funeral".

I have not written to him since. He hasn't either. A part of me is broken again and would want to write, but a part of me is protecting me, as I am 100% sure he would just take the opportunity to attack me and he is just testing me in some way.

Two deaths, two mournings, two very different situations, btu we are back at square one. A completely destroyed relationship with my brother, the certainty he is feelign awful, lonely and hoepeless, but no intention to capitulate and destroy my peace fo mind.

[Strawberry29]

Haven't written in ages, but wanted to talk about my experience of loss, mourning and BPD.
Previously on "Strawberry29": my brother is uBPD, lives with parents, hadn't seen him in 2 years but he continuously messaged me, includign insults and accusations, and would close himself in his room when I was visiting my parents.

Development: on Xmas Eve, he abruptly texted me to go downstairs, and that we could make peace "as a Xmas gift to mum". Next two days were nice, then I left. Couple of days later, our dad sadly passed away. The way I learnt it was a phone call from my brother at 2am that went pretty much like this "Dad is dead. He did not suffer. By the way, your friend XYZ behaved once again awfully towards me..."

The days after that were tough, but actually not as bad as they would have been had we not "made peace" two days prior. There were difficult moments, like having to bear certain things he was saying to distant relatives in front of our dead dad body, things like "ah, yes, we did not talk with my brother because he abandoned us, but now I udnerstand he also has a family so he did not do it because he's bad". There were also nice moments, the funeral went really well and he only said good things in his speech.

After I left, I tried initially to message him every now and then to check on him. When his responses were getting toxic, I backed away but without disappearing. Then two things happened: first, the will was opened. It was not as he had hoped it to be. Let's be clear, it literally says one home goes to me and one to him, and the money are split in half. But, he wanted the other home (which is more expensive and am sure he could not keep for more than a year). Note my mum's therapist recommended her to nominate a guarantor for my brother, but she refused, as she felt she had done enoguh over the years and had not the strength any more to do something like this.
He straight away messages me to say our relationship is broken again because of the will. I told him that, while he has all the rights to feel how he likes about the will, it was not my decision and there is no reason why it should destroy our relationship.

Despite this, as before he kept messaging about every little drama with our mom. At some point, I just could not bear any longer and told him "thanks, but as I told you several times, I am not interested in personal issues between the two of you". He twisted my words somehow, saying around that I had said "I do not care about the two of you", and stopped messaging me.

Last week, the second thing happened: my mom's sister died. I went again to a funeral, but this time my brother was not there. He managed to message the grieving husband to say "sorry I cannot be there because of my brother, but it is thanks to me that everyone is coming to the funeral".

I have not written to him since. He hasn't either. A part of me is broken again and would want to write, but a part of me is protecting me, as I am 100% sure he would just take the opportunity to attack me and he is just testing me in some way.

Two deaths, two mournings, two very different situations, btu we are back at square one. A completely destroyed relationship with my brother, the certainty he is feelign awful, lonely and hoepeless, but no intention to capitulate and destroy my peace fo mind.

[Pook075]

Two deaths, two mournings, two very different situations, btu we are back at square one. A completely destroyed relationship with my brother, the certainty he is feelign awful, lonely and hoepeless, but no intention to capitulate and destroy my peace fo mind.

That's so tough, and it reminds me of my journey with my BPD daughter.  We did finally mend everything a few years ago when she apologized to me and I discovered radical acceptance around the same time.  We'll never have a perfect relationship and like your brother, she will always say wildly inappropriate things to others. 

But at least now she knows that I love her, that I'm on her side, and I'm always a phone call away.

As far as her rants, those go to someone else these days and I am eternally thankful for that.  I get maybe 2-3 of those blowout calls/texts a year now and it's made it so much easier to remain close yet distant.  I'm not her favorite person but I'm not an enemy either, so I'm in a very good position for the time being. 

I genuinely hope you can get there someday as well- I'm proof that it is possible.

[Notwendy]

Sending condolences for the loss of your father and aunt

BPD behaviors are disordered coping mechanisms for difficult emotions, so it would make sense that they'd increase during life changes and milestones, even happy ones- like a birth of a child, or a graduation, or a new job- as those also involve changes and stresses.

And death of a loved one is one of the most difficult- for anyone. When my father passed away- BPD mother's behaviors were over the top and also hurtful, and caused family divisions.

In addition, other family members are also dealing with emotions. I think it's expected that people are kind to each other during this time, not hurtful, so it's even more difficult when the BPD family member is projecting their own hurt feelings.

I would say that the events surrounging my father's passing changed family relationships. Although I maintained contact with my BPD mother, I also kept an emotional distance- like you said "don't want the opportunity for them to be hurtful" because you also are going through your own grief.

I also got concerned about how BPD mother would manage. She was not responsible with money and also didn't manage with daily tasks. Dad was in a position of caretaker for her. When Dad was ill, before he passed, I brought up the topic of someone to help her with managing money. I offered, but she refused, I suggested they get someone else, that didn't happen either. Later on, (as BPD mother was doing what I was concerned about- putting herself into financial difficulties) I looked into the idea of guarantor, guardianship to help her with this, but I'd have to prove legal incompetency to do that and she remained legally competent.

It also would have resulted in a difficult power struggle over her money. Your mother may be "staying out of this" because she's aware of that dynamic and also the limitations of how much one can control someone who is legally competent. It is difficult to see someone mismanaging their inheritance- but it's also within your brother's legal right to do that.

It's likely your father left the lesser value house to your brother because, he knew your brother is the less responsible one. But still, he wanted to leave him something and if there were two houses, he had to choose. He couldn't split them in half. Thank goodness he didn't have them in both your names to make it "equal" as that would then be another issue between the two of you of how to proceed with that. However by leaving the lesser value house to your brother, it also probably triggered his feelings of self worth and sent the message "you are inferior to brother" and he reacted as he did.

This doesn't mean his behavior is acceptable or that you have to tolerate it.  To protect yourself and your feelings at this time is a form of self care. It may help to reframe these behaviors as being more about him than about you. Still, you may want some distance to process your own feelings and you aren't responsible for his or his projections. Take care of yourself at this time.

[PearlsBefore]

That sounds like an incredibly frustrating circumstance for you, and as you acknowledge also for him (even if by dint of his own mental unwellness making situations worse than they need to be, of course). Where he's undiagnosed, I will mention that I have a relative who sounds very similar to your brother, who is diagnosed bipolar - so it may be worth consideration on that front as well.

The grandiosity (just assuming he will earn the larger house, likely convincing himself he has spent all these years caring for your parents not vice versa, believing that people are only attending the funeral because he texted them, etc) is generally more associated with Bipolar than BPD (as one relative of mine once explained, to a judge nonetheless, "you know how bipolars will have weeks of euphoria and weeks of suicidal depression? yeah well with BPD I cycle through those extremes a few times every day" which has to go on the list of stuff I feel a lawyer would recommend NOT saying in front of a judge )

Now the "good" news, if there is a silver lining to the cloud, is that while he texts you something hurtful in the moment to say the relationship is severed - as you acknowledge, his actions are quite the opposite - he begins texting you more frequently to try to sort out his emotions and seeking validation from you. He's whining yes, but that's still a relationship.

[Notwendy]

Now the "good" news, if there is a silver lining to the cloud, is that while he texts you something hurtful in the moment to say the relationship is severed - as you acknowledge, his actions are quite the opposite - he begins texting you more frequently to try to sort out his emotions and seeking validation from you. He's whining yes, but that's still a relationship.

Yes, this is a good point. The "negative" is the relationship. It's up and down. It's also not as much personal to you even though it feels that way. It's him projecting his emotions from the recent events.

It was when I reduced the drama on my end of the relationship that I felt an odd distance from my mother. I realized that- if the dysfunction is more with the people closest to them, then this is a part of that relationship. Ironically, I felt a loss when there was less drama.

The thing is, if they are upset with us, they are engaged and so are we. This, still, is attention. He still wants your attention.

Best to not be reactive and let him come around. I bet he will.

[Strawberry29]

That's so tough, and it reminds me of my journey with my BPD daughter.  We did finally mend everything a few years ago when she apologized to me and I discovered radical acceptance around the same time.  We'll never have a perfect relationship and like your brother, she will always say wildly inappropriate things to others. 

But at least now she knows that I love her, that I'm on her side, and I'm always a phone call away.

As far as her rants, those go to someone else these days and I am eternally thankful for that.  I get maybe 2-3 of those blowout calls/texts a year now and it's made it so much easier to remain close yet distant.  I'm not her favorite person but I'm not an enemy either, so I'm in a very good position for the time being. 

I genuinely hope you can get there someday as well- I'm proof that it is possible.

Thanks, this gives me hope of course, although I know every BPD person is different anyway. When I started learning about BPD and how to deal with it I often heard the refrain "it will get worse before it gets better". For the moment that has been true for my own wellbeing, but not at all for our relationship. I hope I can get to your level some day.

It's likely your father left the lesser value house to your brother because, he knew your brother is the less responsible one. But still, he wanted to leave him something and if there were two houses, he had to choose. He couldn't split them in half. Thank goodness he didn't have them in both your names to make it "equal" as that would then be another issue between the two of you of how to proceed with that. However by leaving the lesser value house to your brother, it also probably triggered his feelings of self worth and sent the message "you are inferior to brother" and he reacted as he did.

This doesn't mean his behavior is acceptable or that you have to tolerate it.  To protect yourself and your feelings at this time is a form of self care. It may help to reframe these behaviors as being more about him than about you. Still, you may want some distance to process your own feelings and you aren't responsible for his or his projections. Take care of yourself at this time.

Thanks Notwendy, yes, I think this all makes sense. I think the decision to give us that home and him the other one makes a lot of sense, but I always knew he would not have taken it lightly. It is a difficult time for me for a hundred reasons, even outside the loss of my dad and daughter, so I really need that...

That sounds like an incredibly frustrating circumstance for you, and as you acknowledge also for him (even if by dint of his own mental unwellness making situations worse than they need to be, of course). Where he's undiagnosed, I will mention that I have a relative who sounds very similar to your brother, who is diagnosed bipolar - so it may be worth consideration on that front as well.

The grandiosity (just assuming he will earn the larger house, likely convincing himself he has spent all these years caring for your parents not vice versa, believing that people are only attending the funeral because he texted them, etc) is generally more associated with Bipolar than BPD (as one relative of mine once explained, to a judge nonetheless, "you know how bipolars will have weeks of euphoria and weeks of suicidal depression? yeah well with BPD I cycle through those extremes a few times every day" which has to go on the list of stuff I feel a lawyer would recommend NOT saying in front of a judge )

Now the "good" news, if there is a silver lining to the cloud, is that while he texts you something hurtful in the moment to say the relationship is severed - as you acknowledge, his actions are quite the opposite - he begins texting you more frequently to try to sort out his emotions and seeking validation from you. He's whining yes, but that's still a relationship.

Thanks, yes, he is actually undiagnosed "to me", he did have a diagnosis in the past but he always kept it secret. He only let slip that he indeed had bipolar as part of the diagnosis. I know these things always are on a continuum and are not black and white, though. I have been researchign quite a lot, and to me at the moment it seems his is BPD with traits of NPD and bipolar. The main thing that always made me think it is more of a personality issue is exactly that he has these mood swings very abruptly, and does not seem to have weeks of a feeling followed by weeks of the other extreme. He can really swing between the extremes in a day. Of course, that's my reading of it, he will have said better to the psychiatrist at the time he was diagnosed...
And thanks, I always have to remember what you say. My aunt (the one who passed away) had become some time ago one of his favourite targets. She used to always tell me "you don't have to worry, you know that when he needs you he will still always turn towards you, as he has always done". Right now he has really cut the relationship, but I know it is just temporary and I have to accept that.

Yes, this is a good point. The "negative" is the relationship. It's up and down. It's also not as much personal to you even though it feels that way. It's him projecting his emotions from the recent events.

It was when I reduced the drama on my end of the relationship that I felt an odd distance from my mother. I realized that- if the dysfunction is more with the people closest to them, then this is a part of that relationship. Ironically, I felt a loss when there was less drama.

The thing is, if they are upset with us, they are engaged and so are we. This, still, is attention. He still wants your attention.

Best to not be reactive and let him come around. I bet he will.

Thanks Notwendy, I think that's what I will do.

BTW, just read about your mum in another thread. Hope you are feeling well and had time to process the conflicting feelings that I suspect you will have. You have always been so helpful to me and many others in here and just wanted to thank you once again for this.