I think I gave up on helping my mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Living with a borderline mother was never easy, especially considering that my grandfather, with whom I also lived, was an authoritarian and aggressive man. They were both very similar, but things got worse when he developed dementia and could no longer be "the man of the house".

Since my mother never worked, the responsibility of taking care of the finances fell on me, who had just finished college and was starting to work. The pressure of trying to take care of the finances while dealing with my mother's compulsive shopping, her constant crises, threats and aggressions, the fact that she had a romantic relationship with an abusive person and the lack of family support regarding my grandfather caused me to have several emotional crises until I reached the point of leaving home with  nowhere to go.

I ended up finding support from friends and was able to rent a house, something I never imagined would be possible because my mother is extremely dependent on me. I tried to get information from a lawyer about the best way to help my grandfather and he told me that I would need to talk to my uncles and aunts about whether any of them could be responsible for him, but the simple fact of having talked to a lawyer displeased my aunt, who said that if I went to a lawyer to resolve the issue (when all I wanted was for one of them to take care of an elderly person who was being cared for by a totally unstable person, my mother), they would go and get a lawyer for me, since my mother was the one who needed intervention and she was my responsibility.

Months went by and recently my mother went into crisis again, she attacked my grandfather twice but everyone in my family looks the other way and pretends that everything is fine, while at the same time they refuse to take care of him, refuse to hire a caregiver and refuse to put him in a nursing home. My psychologist advised me to try to talk to my mother one more time, tell her to take care of herself and commit to her treatment, which I did.

Last week my mother tried to commit suicide and went to the hospital, the neighbors called the ambulance because my family was saying that it was not necessary. (The worst part was that she kept sending me messages while taking the pills, telling me to come over to her house or else she would continue taking more medication. She also constantly text me , asking for help with the problems she creates or trying to control my life. Not to mention when she insults me when I don't do something she wants).

I was extremely worried about her, angry about my family's neglect and overwhelmed by the fact that several people had come to talk to me saying that I needed to resolve the situation, help her, even if it was on my own because my family is not emotionally capable of dealing with this (apparently, I am). So I ended up having a very strong emotional crisis and honestly thought I was going to go crazy.

When she left the hospital, she acted as if she was fine and, as always, promised that she would get better. Her psychologist was in contact with me and I asked her to talk to my aunt, the other family member who is more "capable" of talking, because I was emotionally exausted but after that she said that my aunt already has a lot to deal with and that she believes that because I am an adult, I can take care of my mother alone...

Today, my mother started sending me excessive messages asking for help again while her psychologist came to tell me that I can't "run away" from the problem, I need to deal with it because she is my responsibility and I have simply exhausted myself completely. I told her that I am no longer able to deal with this and honestly, I feel that way. I can't care if she's not okay, if my grandfather isn't okay, if my family will criticize me (which I know they will) or sue me, what I need to do to help my mother, if she's going to come to my house and attack me or make a scene (things I live in fear of...). I just know that I want to be able to get through a day without feeling extreme stress and be able to see what life is like without having to carry the weight of being responsible for everyone.

[Anira]

Living with a borderline mother was never easy, especially considering that my grandfather, with whom I also lived, was an authoritarian and aggressive man. They were both very similar, but things got worse when he developed dementia and could no longer be "the man of the house".

Since my mother never worked, the responsibility of taking care of the finances fell on me, who had just finished college and was starting to work. The pressure of trying to take care of the finances while dealing with my mother's compulsive shopping, her constant crises, threats and aggressions, the fact that she had a romantic relationship with an abusive person and the lack of family support regarding my grandfather caused me to have several emotional crises until I reached the point of leaving home with  nowhere to go.

I ended up finding support from friends and was able to rent a house, something I never imagined would be possible because my mother is extremely dependent on me. I tried to get information from a lawyer about the best way to help my grandfather and he told me that I would need to talk to my uncles and aunts about whether any of them could be responsible for him, but the simple fact of having talked to a lawyer displeased my aunt, who said that if I went to a lawyer to resolve the issue (when all I wanted was for one of them to take care of an elderly person who was being cared for by a totally unstable person, my mother), they would go and get a lawyer for me, since my mother was the one who needed intervention and she was my responsibility.

Months went by and recently my mother went into crisis again, she attacked my grandfather twice but everyone in my family looks the other way and pretends that everything is fine, while at the same time they refuse to take care of him, refuse to hire a caregiver and refuse to put him in a nursing home. My psychologist advised me to try to talk to my mother one more time, tell her to take care of herself and commit to her treatment, which I did.

Last week my mother tried to commit suicide and went to the hospital, the neighbors called the ambulance because my family was saying that it was not necessary. (The worst part was that she kept sending me messages while taking the pills, telling me to come over to her house or else she would continue taking more medication. She also constantly text me , asking for help with the problems she creates or trying to control my life. Not to mention when she insults me when I don't do something she wants).

I was extremely worried about her, angry about my family's neglect and overwhelmed by the fact that several people had come to talk to me saying that I needed to resolve the situation, help her, even if it was on my own because my family is not emotionally capable of dealing with this (apparently, I am). So I ended up having a very strong emotional crisis and honestly thought I was going to go crazy.

When she left the hospital, she acted as if she was fine and, as always, promised that she would get better. Her psychologist was in contact with me and I asked her to talk to my aunt, the other family member who is more "capable" of talking, because I was emotionally exausted but after that she said that my aunt already has a lot to deal with and that she believes that because I am an adult, I can take care of my mother alone...

Today, my mother started sending me excessive messages asking for help again while her psychologist came to tell me that I can't "run away" from the problem, I need to deal with it because she is my responsibility and I have simply exhausted myself completely. I told her that I am no longer able to deal with this and honestly, I feel that way. I can't care if she's not okay, if my grandfather isn't okay, if my family will criticize me (which I know they will) or sue me, what I need to do to help my mother, if she's going to come to my house and attack me or make a scene (things I live in fear of...). I just know that I want to be able to get through a day without feeling extreme stress and be able to see what life is like without having to carry the weight of being responsible for everyone.

[Notwendy]

Reading your story- I don't know what that therapist is thinking but they have no business saying you are responsible for your mother. (you aren't her court appointed legal guardian)

I have posted this article before- as it is relatable.

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

It's a variation on the Bridge story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=65164.0;all

Yes, we care about our BPD relative- but navigating the boundaries between helping them, meeting our own needs, and also not tolerating abusive behaviors can be challenging.

In addition, there's family dynamics- and to have family put excessive expectations on you is unreasonable. You are not responsible for your mother. You are not responsible for your grandfather either. You can step out of this family dynamic which isn't supportive of you.

You were very young- right out of college- when your BPD mother metaphorically handed you that "rope" but you can let go of it. You don't have to go "over the bridge" emotionally or financially for her. Her family will react- they are all over you to pick up that rope, (this way, they don't have to). This is being selfish on their part.

I commend you for being able to separate yourself from this situation. Are you seeing a counselor? I think this would be helpful to you from a support situation and to help you determine where your boundaries need to be- between you and family members for your own well being.

[Pook075]

I completely agree with Wendy, this is not your burden to carry and it's deplorable that a mental health professional would tell you that.  If your mom's not stable and attempting self-harm, then she belongs in an in-house facility.

The professional told you that?  Or was this through your mother?  BPDs have a habit of twisting the truth to fit their own agendas.

[Anira]

Yes, I am seeing a therapist and currently looking for support groups. And it was the professional that told me that but I don't care. I reached my limit. Thank you for your answers and support.

[Notwendy]

I am shocked that any therapist would say that to you.

What country are you in? In some countries, it's expected that adult children take care of their elderly parents which may be one reason that family is leaning on your mother (AKA then you) rather than to get him care- but still he is not your responsibility. (neither is she).

However, if you are in the US, your mother attacking your grandfather is elder abuse. Staying with her is not a safe situation for him. If he has dementia, he may need to be in a memory care unit for his own safety. This isn't your responsibilty but if you are feeling pressured, a call to Adult Protective Services/ Social Services, would open a case for them to take a look at what is going on.

Or it may be a social "image". I was concerned about my father being cared for by my BPD mother. Everyone assumed she was being a caregiver for him. I called social services on his behalf. However, he didn't have dementia- he was legally competent so unless he was willing to go through with it, (he wasn't) they could do nothing. With dementia, this may be different.

The calls are confidential but if your extended family suspects it's you who called, they will likely be furious, but it doesn't seem like it's much of a loss to you.

Again, you don't have to do anything in this situation, it's not your responsibilty. It's just an option.

[zachira]

We have no obligation to help a person who is abusive even if that person is a close family member.

[CC43]

You are responsible for you, and your mom is responsible for herself. She’s just trying to manipulate you. The second you impose a boundary to protect yourself, she retaliates, as is typical with BPD. When she says you are responsible and you are to blame, that’s BPD code for shame and distress because she knows she’s not being responsible herself. She’s blaming you in order to cope. If you understand that—projection—you can begin to see what’s going on. You might need to take a break from you mom, because she’s being abusive.

[TelHill]

Hello Anira,

That’s a lot for one person to take on. I’ve had similar experience being told to be responsible for a pwBPD. I took it being a kind and overly responsible person. The people telling me this wanted to be free of their own responsibility. It was their close relative too. They were taking advantage of me.