Healing is just as confusing/hard as the relationship itself

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I've been in serious relationships my whole dating life. I take my time to heal and don't just jump into things, and am quite picky. I tend to think if I decide to seriously date someone, they must be pretty great as I keep my circle small and avoid a lot of women.

Obviously we're all here because things were so crazy and strange. And it's the same way post breakup. I've dated women longer. One had a child, I was in stepdad mode, her parents loved me and our families knew each other for over 20 years. I grew up with that woman. Did it hurt leaving? Yes. She was cheating on me and was quite strange in her own right. But 4 months out or so, I was doing 'good'. In great shape, going out a lot, traveling. It followed a rather linear path.

This one though, it was so powerful immediately. All of our time together. Sleeping over all the time. Non-stop sex. Concerts, weekly movie dates, vacations, etc. It all felt 'perfect'. The push/pull and I'm guessing trauma bonding is what makes this so difficult to actually process. The confusion of everything that happened, seemingly with no purpose or reason is hard for my brain to grasp. I tend to overthink things and I'm a 'fixer', not referring to women really, but in general I'm handy and love to build and solve things. I guess I'm applying that mindset to this and trying to systematically unravel everything trying to pinpoint things to make sense of it all.

All I can say is I've never experienced this 2 steps forward, 3 steps back type of situation before. I understand we work together, used to go to lunch every day, lived together, etc. Our lives were virtually 1, full enmeshment. And I did take on a caretaker role; making sure she woke up on time, taking care of her when sick, cooked all her meals, did almost every chore at home, remind her to take her medications, nightly massages to prevent migraines/pain, etc. I guess when it ended I lost a part of myself, or so it feels. I had some weird purpose and it made me feel good. And it all just went from 100 to 0 INSTANTLY. Just hit a wall of sorts and now I'm here lost and confused.

How long did a lot of you take to start feeling 'alive' and just exist again after being with a BPD ex for years? Every video, forum, subreddit says it takes quite some time for most and to not apply regular relationship rules to these situations. I feel weak and silly. She's obviously having no issues moving on, and I'm the one still randomly crying at times.

[Me88]

I've been in serious relationships my whole dating life. I take my time to heal and don't just jump into things, and am quite picky. I tend to think if I decide to seriously date someone, they must be pretty great as I keep my circle small and avoid a lot of women.

Obviously we're all here because things were so crazy and strange. And it's the same way post breakup. I've dated women longer. One had a child, I was in stepdad mode, her parents loved me and our families knew each other for over 20 years. I grew up with that woman. Did it hurt leaving? Yes. She was cheating on me and was quite strange in her own right. But 4 months out or so, I was doing 'good'. In great shape, going out a lot, traveling. It followed a rather linear path.

This one though, it was so powerful immediately. All of our time together. Sleeping over all the time. Non-stop sex. Concerts, weekly movie dates, vacations, etc. It all felt 'perfect'. The push/pull and I'm guessing trauma bonding is what makes this so difficult to actually process. The confusion of everything that happened, seemingly with no purpose or reason is hard for my brain to grasp. I tend to overthink things and I'm a 'fixer', not referring to women really, but in general I'm handy and love to build and solve things. I guess I'm applying that mindset to this and trying to systematically unravel everything trying to pinpoint things to make sense of it all.

All I can say is I've never experienced this 2 steps forward, 3 steps back type of situation before. I understand we work together, used to go to lunch every day, lived together, etc. Our lives were virtually 1, full enmeshment. And I did take on a caretaker role; making sure she woke up on time, taking care of her when sick, cooked all her meals, did almost every chore at home, remind her to take her medications, nightly massages to prevent migraines/pain, etc. I guess when it ended I lost a part of myself, or so it feels. I had some weird purpose and it made me feel good. And it all just went from 100 to 0 INSTANTLY. Just hit a wall of sorts and now I'm here lost and confused.

How long did a lot of you take to start feeling 'alive' and just exist again after being with a BPD ex for years? Every video, forum, subreddit says it takes quite some time for most and to not apply regular relationship rules to these situations. I feel weak and silly. She's obviously having no issues moving on, and I'm the one still randomly crying at times.

[Under The Bridge]

The amount of time to regain even a slight sense of 'normality' can vary massively - but I'm sure nobody achieves this quickly.  The effects of being with a BDP cut very deep, as we've all found to our cost.

In my case it took a long time, mainly because after our breakup I continued to go to the pub where she had her last meltdown at me. I'd made some good friends there and wanted to continue to see them, whether with her or not. The downside was that the place made me think of her so that would have slowed down my recovery a lot.

I still think of her more than any of my subsequent partners though so maybe there's  0.0000001% of me that will never get fully 'back to normal'. Food for thought.

[Me88]

The amount of time to regain even a slight sense of 'normality' can vary massively - but I'm sure nobody achieves this quickly.  The effects of being with a BDP cut very deep, as we've all found to our cost.

In my case it took a long time, mainly because after our breakup I continued to go to the pub where she had her last meltdown at me. I'd made some good friends there and wanted to continue to see them, whether with her or not. The downside was that the place made me think of her so that would have slowed down my recovery a lot.

I still think of her more than any of my subsequent partners though so maybe there's  0.0000001% of me that will never get fully 'back to normal'. Food for thought.

Yeah even bad 'normal' relationships take time. I guess I just have this weird sense of self in that I can solve any issue outside of this easily and effectively. It cuts so deep. The recurring guilt, frustration and confusion just keep you in a fog. I have good days, sure, but then it sort of goes back at times. Doesn't help I have to be around this person M-F. I don't think I'll ever be 100% fully 'healed'. And I guess that's good, so I hopefully don't repeat my past.

[Pook075]

How long did a lot of you take to start feeling 'alive' and just exist again after being with a BPD ex for years? Every video, forum, subreddit says it takes quite some time for most and to not apply regular relationship rules to these situations. I feel weak and silly. She's obviously having no issues moving on, and I'm the one still randomly crying at times.

Like you, I've always prided myself on being a thinker, the guy that can work through anything and find the correct answer to any given problem.  And like you, I struggled when my marriage to my BPD ex ended.  Every time I'd figure something out, it's like another layer would be revealed that I'd have to study and understand all over again.

But here's the problem with that, the ultimate flaw in trying to solve this with logic- she's mentally ill.  In other words, she's not using logic and many of her decisions were made on emotion in the moment.  So much of what she said wasn't true, or was only true in that exact moment when she was dysregulated.

For example, if I tell you to solve a calculus problem with a tape measurer, chances are you'll never find the answer.  Understanding mental illness is the same thing- you're trying to understand why an apple looks like a watermelon.  There's a flaw in the system somewhere that's outside your comprehension.

In terms of timelines, I felt like myself after maybe three months...and with that, I began looking back on the relationship and seeing so many massive red flags that I had completely ignored over the years.  So that brought me through another emotional spiral until I finally found the truth- she's mentally ill and her words/actions don't always make sense.  She did what she did because she was sick.

I maybe figured that out and accepted it at the one year mark?  Which is way too long to spend punishing myself for something I ultimately had no control over.  Regardless of my actions, my mistakes, and my efforts, I couldn't "out-think" a hidden mental illness that caused chaos in my life. 

I'd have to be psychic with a PHD in psychology to even have a chance.

So I'll leave you with three simple truths that hopefully you can take to heart:

1) This wasn't your fault...or her fault.  The blame goes to mental illness and disordered thinking.

2)  You can't save her, but you can save you.  Stop digging for answers since you'll never truly find what you're looking for.

3)  You'll be able to move on once you finally accept points 1 and 2.  It's not your fault, so forgive yourself.  It's not her fault, so forgive her too.  So stop trying to make sense of disordered thinking and allow yourself to actually heal from the experience.

[seekingtheway]

I know it's a very frustrating process to feel like you're stuck in the grief and pain stages.

I am just over a year out of my relationship with my ex, and I also have a problem with proximity, so i know I might bump into him at any time in my community. He is in a new relationship too so it's hard when he brings his new partner into what have always been my safe spaces, but no longer feel that way. I think it can really prolong the healing process, so you have my sympathy.

In terms of recovery time and the process, I wanted to ask, do you think that you have broken the trauma bond and attachment? Or are there any beliefs or thought patterns that are keeping that in place? For instance, are you still holding onto hope of any kind? And how do you feel about your ex now that some time has passed? Some people get stuck in the anger phase and need some help to move beyond that. But some people rush into forgiveness too early, and that can feel like a dangerous and vulnerable place to be (because the body knows this is how we end up going back to them), which can keep you stuck in trauma loops.

For me, I needed to dissolve any hope and also the very strong and loyal belief I had in my ex in order to begin feeling some real peace again. This was a complicated process for me, so I relate to a lot of your words and struggle. But please have faith that you will actually get there one day.

[HoratioX]

The amount of time it takes to heal varies from person to person, of course. Talking to a therapist about that is a good idea.

In my case, I'd been with her on and off for more than five years. We'd broken up several times, in nearly all cases at my decision. When she did break up with me, it was always temporary -- no more than a week. She once broke up with me and got back together later that day.

As our relationship ebbed and flowed and I uncovered more and more about her that was suspect and eventually hurtful, I went through pain, of course. The highs were often the highest, but the lows the lowest.

So, by the time I finally made the decision to end things permanently and then go no contact, I'd been through pretty much everything to convince me.

While I had some regret and sadness, of course, the emotion I overwhelmingly felt the most was relief. I was as sure as of anything else I'd ever done that was right that ending things permanently and going no contact was the right thing to do. I told myself to remember that feeling because I knew it might get tough.

Sometime it was. I'd remember something good. I'd drive past some place we used to go or find something she'd left at my place but I'd forgotten about. Each time that happened, I'd feel some sadness . . . but then I'd remember that feeling of relief. Everything would get better.

The smartest thing you can do is put that relationship behind you and move on. Find someone else and better to give all that energy to. The way you heal is getting rid of the poison -- and that ex was poison.

The toughest part isn't putting that person behind you. You know she's bad for you. The toughest part is adjusting your expectations. You see, what she presented was not real nor normal. It was an act, like watching a movie. Movies aren't real, but they evoke real emotions. So did she. If you expect another person to do the same, with the same intensity and frequency, you'll probably be disappointed, the same way you might be disappointed if you think real life is like the movies.

That doesn't mean someone can't come along who can be like that in some ways. It means don't put that expectation on them. It's not fair to them. It's not fair to you. And always remember the reason why the person with BPD couldn't keep it up is because it was an act. She was putting everything into being something she's not (because inside she's mostly a blank slate), and at some point, couldn't ran out of steam. You want to be with someone real, not a phony.

Do all that, and it can not only get better, but better faster. Get out of the pattern of thinking about her and reminiscing about something that was at least in part a fiction. You'll heal faster. You'll heal better, too.