Exhausted: hardest moment of my life AND BDP spouse splitting

[Pluie]

Hi everyone,

I feel like starting with my backstory. My partner and I have been knowing each other for 10 years. In 2020, we had a harsh breakup followed by a seemingly never-ending stream of splitting, discarding and rebounding episodes. We were apart for two years, during which I did therapy and had the chance to learn more about BPD, which at the time was just a hypothesis. Long story short, three years ago he and I decided to be together again. We took things slowly and waited months before declaring it a relationship and, eventually, moving in together again. It was not easy, as trust had to be rebuilt and wounds mended, but it was beautiful. He started doing therapy. It was not long after this that he was, indeed, diagnosed with BPD.

Things kept going better, no matter how challenging they were. We also went through couple therapy, which was incredibly helpful when it came to reflecting on our reactions. In short, it felt like we were truly nurturing a renewed loving relationship. We got married last summer and decided to move back to our home country, which we knew would be hard and would require lots of patience, strength and determination. He really wanted to do it, and my only thought was “Why not? We can make it work, I will find a job and we’ll build a great community!”.

Now, things didn’t turn out well. I will not describe the sequence of adverse events that followed our decision to move here, as this is not the point. The point is, I fell back into depression (and I know it is not easy to be with someone with depression either…) and he started manifesting BPD behaviour again. We had fights, he started leaving the house for days, staying at his parents’, then coming back apologizing and saying that it was hard for him to manage his emotions. I could understand, it was difficult for me too.

After less than one year in our home country, he applied for a job in Scandinavia, signed a contract, and decided to leave. I was reluctant, but we had talked a lot and I agreed on him going: I felt like I could trust him and I believed I could follow him a few months later - I saw it as an opportunity to start over and recover, together. Except, a few weeks after he moved out, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer two days after I got the news about my health. I was already exhausted, and by then I was simply crushed. No money, no house of my own, no job, partner abroad, health issues and my mom’s health issues, too. Since then, fights have increased and my spouse has become more and more detached. He has been telling me things like "Well, you keep complaining, it’s not like you’re dying. It’s just surgery. What about my feelings? You never think about the way I feel.”. I must say I have not managed my reactions that well either. I have been feeling overwhelmed, lost, alone and angry.
 
The situation escalated two days ago, soon after I underwent surgery to have my thyroid removed. He started telling me that he wanted to move again, that he was unhappy and unsatisfied, to which I replied with a firm “I just underwent surgery. Please, just understand what you think you need, then we’ll find a way. However, I am not moving countries again for nothing. I am tired”. That is when the splitting happened. I tried to call back the day after to ask how he was doing, to which he replied that he did not want to talk to me, wanted to be left alone, and was feeling oppressed and neglected. I will not hide the fact that I simply lost it. I yelled with the feeble voice I had “How dare you? I need you right now more than ever, I cannot ever stand up on my own, I don’t know how long my mother will live, and that’s what you’re telling me?!”. He hung up. He has not called since then. I feel so hurt, disrespected, angry, and confused.

I have a few loving friends who are supporting me the best they can, but also encouraging me to realize how bad this is and to focus on my recovery. I have been thinking about ending the relationship...more often than not I just think this is too much. I believe I could benefit from sharing on the board since it is nearly impossible for me to be clear-headed right now. Thank you…hugs to everyone who is struggling.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope both you and your mom get better quickly.  It's heartbreaking.

Also, a quick point of order- you posted in the forums for "Bettering a Relationship" but you mentioned ending the relationship in the last paragraph.  The site rules state if you post in "Bettering", people can only give you advice on strengthening the relationship.  There's also a forum for being undecided whether to stay/leave and a forum for moving on after a breakup.

Just let us know where you feel you're at in this journey and we'll get this moved to the appropriate area.

For now, you've just had surgery and need to focus all your energy on physically recovering...plus supporting mom however you can.  He's out of the country and that means you don't have a decision to make right now; just focus on getting better and allow time to reveal whether the relationship is worth rekindling or not. 

I do agree with you that he was very selfish recently trying to make everything about him.  I'm so sorry he wasn't there to support you.

[Pluie]

Hello and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and I hope both you and your mom get better quickly.  It's heartbreaking.

Also, a quick point of order- you posted in the forums for "Bettering a Relationship" but you mentioned ending the relationship in the last paragraph.  The site rules state if you post in "Bettering", people can only give you advice on strengthening the relationship.  There's also a forum for being undecided whether to stay/leave and a forum for moving on after a breakup.

Just let us know where you feel you're at in this journey and we'll get this moved to the appropriate area.

For now, you've just had surgery and need to focus all your energy on physically recovering...plus supporting mom however you can.  He's out of the country and that means you don't have a decision to make right now; just focus on getting better and allow time to reveal whether the relationship is worth rekindling or not. 

I do agree with you that he was very selfish recently trying to make everything about him.  I'm so sorry he wasn't there to support you.

Hi Pook. Thank you. I think I might have chosen the wrong forum, indeed. I would describe myself as conflicted and not sure whether to continue or not, so moving the post to a more appropriate forum seems like a good choice.

Thanks for your kind words. Right now it is overwhelming and there is a lot to process, I realize.

[Pook075]

Hi Pook. Thank you. I think I might have chosen the wrong forum, indeed. I would describe myself as conflicted and not sure whether to continue or not, so moving the post to a more appropriate forum seems like a good choice.

Thanks for your kind words. Right now it is overwhelming and there is a lot to process, I realize.

Not a problem at all, I requested for a moderator to move this to the "Conflicted" area so you can get viewpoints on both sides of the fence.

How are you feeling?  Have things become any better over the last few days?  Talk it out a little more so we can get you some more precise feedback and direction.

[Pluie]

Not a problem at all, I requested for a moderator to move this to the "Conflicted" area so you can get viewpoints on both sides of the fence.

How are you feeling?  Have things become any better over the last few days?  Talk it out a little more so we can get you some more precise feedback and direction.

Hi Pook. Thank you.

Physically speaking, I am recovering pretty fast. This is great, as I feel like I have more energy for myself and to be there for my mother.

Things with my partner are extremely rocky. We had a few calls, all of them extremely different from one another. In a matter of three days, he moved from "I felt so much better when I wasn't speaking with you. I am building a new life here and I am not sure I want you in it" to calling me 'darling' again. I do not feel any relief, as I am hurt and confused by these sudden emotional shifts. Also, he has kept focusing on telling me how heartbroken angry and sad he felt these weeks because of 'how I made him feel'. My own emotional situation was never mentioned again, which just makes me suspect he still does not understand and still wants to hide away from pain.

[Pook075]

Hi Pook. Thank you.

Physically speaking, I am recovering pretty fast. This is great, as I feel like I have more energy for myself and to be there for my mother.

Things with my partner are extremely rocky. We had a few calls, all of them extremely different from one another. In a matter of three days, he moved from "I felt so much better when I wasn't speaking with you. I am building a new life here and I am not sure I want you in it" to calling me 'darling' again. I do not feel any relief, as I am hurt and confused by these sudden emotional shifts. Also, he has kept focusing on telling me how heartbroken angry and sad he felt these weeks because of 'how I made him feel'. My own emotional situation was never mentioned again, which just makes me suspect he still does not understand and still wants to hide away from pain.

Well, his emotional pain is real, even if it's due to scenarios he's invented in his own mind.  To him, your surgery was no big deal and you should have been at his side the entire time.  That's the whole problem here and now he's trying to "punish you" for not sharing his perspective.

Before moving forward, you have to get a boundary in place so he understands that this type of abuse is not okay.  Even if you're better, mom still needs help and that makes her the priority, for now at least.  If he can't understand that, then you're going to do this over and over again.

Because let's face it, you want it to work out...but not on his current terms.  He's feeling abandoned and that's lousy for him, but he should also put you first in this situation and show some understanding.  I'm impressed that you haven't demanded that yet, to be honest.

[CC43]

Hi there,

Clearly you're going through a rough patch, and you'd be justified to focus on your health, as well as your mom's right now.  I understand that thyroid issues can be especially taxing, for years sometimes, because the thyroid regulates all sorts of systems, especially one's energy level and mood.  It can take some time and tweaking to get the hormone dosage right.  I have a number of family members with thyroid issues, and I've witnessed their suffering over the years, including when the hormone dosage went awry.  But I can say that when their hormones are under control, all is good.

One thing that I've noticed is that pwBPD tend to act out precisely when you need some extra support and understanding, such as during an illness, a move, a job change or a birth or death in the family, for example.  It's as if they can't stand not being the center of your universe, in the sense that your attention is temporarily focused elsewhere.  I think they might act out in a misguided attempt to regain your full attention, because if you focus elsewhere, it's akin to "abandonment," which we know is a huge trigger for BPD.  As per usual, it's all about their feelings, and not yours in a time of need.  I guess I'm saying, try not to take that personally.  It's BPD, not you.  In the meantime, I think you need to focus on your recovery and on your mom, who needs you right now.  You can't do that if your partner is having meltdowns all the time.  I'd say, try to distance yourself from the meltdowns and engage only if he's being respectful.  If he as a meltdown, that's his choice, but it's not your job to calm him down, though you can give him time and space for him to calm down himself.  I know it really hurts that he can't be supportive when you need it.  But you don't have to let him drag you down further, either.  I don't know if he'll ever empathize with your situation, because if he's not in therapy for BPD, all he thinks about are how you're hurting his feelings--if you're not devoting your full attention to him, then you're hurting him, in his mind.  He might be apologetic one moment, but he can't escape the feeling of "abandonment"  for long, and I bet he'll revert to being vindictive and mean again.  That's BPD, not you.  Make sense?

[Pluie]

Well, his emotional pain is real, even if it's due to scenarios he's invented in his own mind.  To him, your surgery was no big deal and you should have been at his side the entire time.  That's the whole problem here and now he's trying to "punish you" for not sharing his perspective.

Before moving forward, you have to get a boundary in place so he understands that this type of abuse is not okay.  Even if you're better, mom still needs help and that makes her the priority, for now at least.  If he can't understand that, then you're going to do this over and over again.

Because let's face it, you want it to work out...but not on his current terms.  He's feeling abandoned and that's lousy for him, but he should also put you first in this situation and show some understanding.  I'm impressed that you haven't demanded that yet, to be honest.

Hi Pook,

I know his pain is real. I am not sure how to handle it, as right now I just feel I should not be handling it on top of what I already need to take care of.

I believe establishing boundaries is the hardest thing. I try, but doing so I seem to trigger his negative reactions over and over again, no matter how calm I try to stay. We had a conversation the other day where I tried to make him understand that I need his support and that, although I accept him and his suffering, his behaviour in this time of need is not okay and not something I am willing to tolerate. He lashed out again saying that I am judgy and that he expects answers because he is doubting whether to continue the relationship. He then stopped contacting me again.

My friends are extremely supportive and I am grateful for the support network I have outside my marriage. They keep pointing out how well I am coping with this mess regardless of my husband's presence, and I do listen to them. Nevertheless, I am sad.

Thanks, as always.

[Pluie]

Hi there,

Clearly you're going through a rough patch, and you'd be justified to focus on your health, as well as your mom's right now.  I understand that thyroid issues can be especially taxing, for years sometimes, because the thyroid regulates all sorts of systems, especially one's energy level and mood.  It can take some time and tweaking to get the hormone dosage right.  I have a number of family members with thyroid issues, and I've witnessed their suffering over the years, including when the hormone dosage went awry.  But I can say that when their hormones are under control, all is good.

One thing that I've noticed is that pwBPD tend to act out precisely when you need some extra support and understanding, such as during an illness, a move, a job change or a birth or death in the family, for example.  It's as if they can't stand not being the center of your universe, in the sense that your attention is temporarily focused elsewhere.  I think they might act out in a misguided attempt to regain your full attention, because if you focus elsewhere, it's akin to "abandonment," which we know is a huge trigger for BPD.  As per usual, it's all about their feelings, and not yours in a time of need.  I guess I'm saying, try not to take that personally.  It's BPD, not you.  In the meantime, I think you need to focus on your recovery and on your mom, who needs you right now.  You can't do that if your partner is having meltdowns all the time.  I'd say, try to distance yourself from the meltdowns and engage only if he's being respectful.  If he as a meltdown, that's his choice, but it's not your job to calm him down, though you can give him time and space for him to calm down himself.  I know it really hurts that he can't be supportive when you need it.  But you don't have to let him drag you down further, either.  I don't know if he'll ever empathize with your situation, because if he's not in therapy for BPD, all he thinks about are how you're hurting his feelings--if you're not devoting your full attention to him, then you're hurting him, in his mind.  He might be apologetic one moment, but he can't escape the feeling of "abandonment"  for long, and I bet he'll revert to being vindictive and mean again.  That's BPD, not you.  Make sense?

Hi CC43,

Thanks for your words of support. I am trying to stay focused on these priorities, even though they clearly are regarded as priorities by my partner. I know I need to be there for my loved ones and myself.

As you said, it is the fact that he acts so contemptuous and vindicative that shocks me the most. It is not new to me, but it is just baffling how this is happening at a crazy time like this. It takes minutes to trigger him and make him switch from a calm and seemingly understanding conversation to a meltdown. Again, nothing new, but it seems like the speed and intensity of the reactions have increased.

I know it is not me, but I simply do not know how to talk to him anymore. I started therapy again roughly a month ago. However, it seems evident to me - no matter how painful it is to admit it - that I cannot work on this relationship right now, given the context.

[Pook075]

I believe establishing boundaries is the hardest thing. I try, but doing so I seem to trigger his negative reactions over and over again, no matter how calm I try to stay. We had a conversation the other day where I tried to make him understand that I need his support and that, although I accept him and his suffering, his behaviour in this time of need is not okay and not something I am willing to tolerate. He lashed out again saying that I am judgy and that he expects answers because he is doubting whether to continue the relationship. He then stopped contacting me again.

Remember, boundaries are for you alone.  They're rules you live by, and they're absolutes in your life that define how you live.

For instance, in the example you provided above, I fully agree with you- you shouldn't have to deal with him right now.

You tried to comfort him anyway and he reacted negatively, just like a spoiled child would if you tell them they can't have ice cream after dinner because they didn't eat their veggies.  If a spoiled kid demanded ice cream from you after misbehaving, how would you respond?  That's what you should do with him as well.

In other words, you set a boundary, he responded badly (which we all expected), and you're left with a choice.  Is the boundary really ironclad or not?  If so, enforce the boundary...walk away, refuse to talk to him, call him a jerk and hang up...whatever you need to do to get your point across that it's not okay to treat you that way.

He responds badly because just like the spoiled kid, he's used to being manipulative and getting his way.  So of course he pushes back, you've always given in to his ridiculousness before.  Why not now as well?

That's where you have to draw the line in the sand and refuse to back off.  If he does <x>, you're going to respond with <y> because he's not respecting you.  It's his choice though- play by your boundaries or get pushed away for the time being.  And you have to phrase it that way as well, you're walking away because he's choosing to act a certain way. 

It's his choice, you're simply reacting appropriately to his choices.

[Pluie]

Remember, boundaries are for you alone.  They're rules you live by, and they're absolutes in your life that define how you live.

For instance, in the example you provided above, I fully agree with you- you shouldn't have to deal with him right now.

You tried to comfort him anyway and he reacted negatively, just like a spoiled child would if you tell them they can't have ice cream after dinner because they didn't eat their veggies.  If a spoiled kid demanded ice cream from you after misbehaving, how would you respond?  That's what you should do with him as well.

In other words, you set a boundary, he responded badly (which we all expected), and you're left with a choice.  Is the boundary really ironclad or not?  If so, enforce the boundary...walk away, refuse to talk to him, call him a jerk and hang up...whatever you need to do to get your point across that it's not okay to treat you that way.

He responds badly because just like the spoiled kid, he's used to being manipulative and getting his way.  So of course he pushes back, you've always given in to his ridiculousness before.  Why not now as well?

That's where you have to draw the line in the sand and refuse to back off.  If he does <x>, you're going to respond with <y> because he's not respecting you.  It's his choice though- play by your boundaries or get pushed away for the time being.  And you have to phrase it that way as well, you're walking away because he's choosing to act a certain way. 

It's his choice, you're simply reacting appropriately to his choices.

Hi Pook,

It hurts to see him choosing to walk away instead of trying to listen and respect my (still weak, I admit it) boundaries, but I know you are right. I was reflecting on one particular thing he said when I pointed out how I was trying to talk and express my limits and needs: "I do not understand and I do not want to". I guess I cannot lose myself in this process, I really cannot.

Thanks for your advice and the time you are spending on this thread. I am deeply grateful.