Dating someone with BPD and suddenly dumped

[juliajuliajulia]

Hi,

I wanted to share something I recently went through, because I’m still trying to make sense of it and would appreciate any insight. I know this was just a relatively short dating experience and many go through a lot worse but I have no experience of people with BPD and I'm very confused.

A few weeks ago, I started talking to someone with BPD (diagnosed). We hit it off instantly — the emotional intensity was strong from the start. We texted every day, had long, vulnerable conversations, and built a warm, safe connection very quickly. It felt like something rare and real. It was so intense that I felt anxious at times because I had never experienced anything like that, but I decided to go for it because we genuinely had an amazing connection. He was spamming me with messages and replied immediately. Now I understand that this was a red flag. Even though I'm sure there was a lot of idealization, I'm still convinced there was a lot of something real as well.

We met and ended up spending two days together. It was intimate, affectionate, deep — like we had known each other much longer. He was sweet, said he liked me, held me all night, made future plans, and said that he wants to meet again and that the meeting went even better than he had expected. I left feeling euphoric and happy. I started really falling for him.

Then everything shifted. A couple days after our meeting he started acting distant and eventually he completely stopped replying — after I had asked if he'd like to meet again. I was left in total confusion as before and day after our meeting he replied instantly and showed affection. He had even talked about how bad ghosting is and yet did it to me. Eventually, after days of silence, he replied with something vague like: "Sorry for ghosting but I don't want to continue this, the days we spent together were so nice but after it something changed I don't know what it was but something felt off".

I guess I’m still stuck between understanding this as a classic BPD discard and wondering if maybe he just lost interest and didn’t want to say it directly. The sudden shift from the intense bubble to getting ghosted and then dumped without anything concrete left me feeling extremely sad and stupid. I have dated a lot but never experienced anything like this – nor a connection this strong. I have experienced rejections, but this was maybe the worst and surprising one ever. We had such a strong and intense start and suddenly he just ended it all without a proper discussion.

If anyone here has BPD or has been through something similar, I’d love to hear your perspective. Does this sound like a fear-based shutdown or something like that? Or was it just a mismatch? He seemed like someone who genuinely cared, which is what makes the sudden detachment and lack of a mature closure so hard to accept.

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the site.

From what you wrote, everything sounds like classic BPD - the amazing initial idealistic, love-bombing phase then the totally devasting and out of the blue discard, which leaves us wondering 'what the hell just happened??'.

One possible reason for him backing away is the fear that you may break up with him first. BPD causes massive insecurity and their worst fear is to be abandoned and alone. This fear is so strong in them that, if they think - rightly or wrongly - that you might leave them, then they will break up first so in their mind they weren't 'ditched' but did the ditching themselves so they feel better.

This is how their disordered thinking works; they see things which aren't there and react accordingly. He might think you're so nice and such a good catch that you're bound to get fed up with him and fins someone far better so to avoid this ever happening he breaks up with you first.

They can also get overwhelmed if things seem to be going too perfectly - it means they have even more to lose should you break up with them and it triggers their insecurities even more.

I experienced this with my ex, who would often wrongly assume that I'd eventually break up with her for someone better so she would break up with me first. It's a sad, self-destructive cycle which they're destined to repeat.

Do you still wish to see him, or are you just needing to find some explanation and closure ? You'll see from the many posts on here that, unless the BPD sufferer recognises they have an illness and is prepared to get professional help, the cycle of breaking up will just repeat. This may not be the life you're prepared to endure - I had 4 years of it but if I could wind the clock back to the first time she broke up with me after a few months I'd leave it like that and save myself the future heartache. We need to put ourselves first sometimes, for the sake of our own health and sanity.

It is very hard to just forget about a BPD partner though, even if they can seemingly just dismiss us in an instant.

best wishes

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

I'm sorry for the pain and confusion that this short-lived but very intense experience must have left you in.

It's hard to say whether this will have been BPD without having access to a bigger picture of his patterns within the relationship itself, but it certainly does sound like there are significant attachment problems there. To pull away suddenly after an intense beginning can be a fearful avoidant or dismissive avoidant response. Many people with BPD have a fearful avoidant attachment style. So it could have been BPD as well. But either way, the painful lesson is that these extremely intense beginnings are generally an unhealthy way to begin a relationship. It just can't be sustained.

The Personal Development School have some pretty detailed content about the mechanism that drives the sudden loss of feelings and fear of engulfment to suddenly kick in for fearful avoidant attachers. It's a protective mechanism, and it's really nothing to do with you, and there's likely nothing you could have done to avoid it from happening.

[HoratioX]

Typical BPD behavior (and sometimes happens in people with C-PTSD and anxiety, too).

You're not dealing with someone with a normal, healthy mentality. You cannot measure their behavior with those metrics.

Right now, you may be confused. You may wonder if you did something to trigger the behavior. You may feel you're somehow at fault or have responsibility.

You do not. You did nothing. A person with a significant mental or emotional illness like BPD (and those others) is not operating normally. They not have a consistent nor consistently realistic mental or emotional state or understanding. They are functioning in their own world.

Yes, they can be warm, funny, charming, intelligent, and sometimes even seem quite normal. But the notion of suddenly changing directions 180 degrees is a manifestation of their illness. It would happen whether it was you or someone else, regardless of whether you did anything seemingly to cause that.

So, right now you may be thinking this behavior in some way reflects on you. It does not. You may be thinking there's something wrong with you. There is not.

The only issue now is whether you understand you are dealing with an unstable, profoundly ill person and both dwell on it and seek out their company or you accept how ill they are and move on. I'd recommend that latter. You might also speak with a therapist for professional advice. This does not mean you need to be cold or unsympathetic toward the person with BPD. But you need to understand that they are potentially dangerous -- not likely in a physical way but certainly in the way they can cause emotional and psychological harm.   

Good luck to you.

[Pook075]

If anyone here has BPD or has been through something similar, I’d love to hear your perspective. Does this sound like a fear-based shutdown or something like that? Or was it just a mismatch? He seemed like someone who genuinely cared, which is what makes the sudden detachment and lack of a mature closure so hard to accept.

My guess would be that this person had recently exited another relationship, met you, and everything seemed perfect.  But then when you were apart they recycled the previous relationship since that was suddenly perfect all over again.  And when that relationship fails, maybe he reaches back out to you for another perfect relationship.

BPD is a serious mental illness and they often seek validation in the moment from whatever is around them.  Friends, family, co-workers, students...they all get caught in the ebb and flow of a BPD's constantly changing feelings and needs.

Please understand that this probably wasn't anything you did; it's simply because he's mentally ill and not making the best choices for his life.

[PeteWitsend]

...

If anyone here has BPD or has been through something similar, I’d love to hear your perspective. Does this sound like a fear-based shutdown or something like that? Or was it just a mismatch? He seemed like someone who genuinely cared, which is what makes the sudden detachment and lack of a mature closure so hard to accept.

His behavior does seem disordered; I mean he was almost certainly dishonest, if nothing else.  He used you for a night, and then discarded you. 

However, as I understand it, and you can read the definitions available on this site, BPD is usually more of a long term issue between partners, and manifests itself over time. While you might see some of the red flags early in the relationship, they usually don't really reveal themselves until there is a stronger bond and level of commitment there.  pwBPD fear abandonment and separation as strongly as they may resist commitment, and in this case, it doesn't appear that he tried to get you to remain, or had any concerns about ending the relationship abruptly.

I think this might be more of an example of NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) than BPD, if anything.  He took advantage of you, and callously played with your emotions.  He said what he needed to in order to get the result he wanted.  I assume he's done this before...

Either way, I would chalk it up to a lesson in commitment: don't fall for someone so soon.  Actions speak louder than words, so don't put much stock in the things he said, focus on what he did.