I’m at fault, a narcissist, forceful, gaslighting etc…Is it true?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

First post.  Just discovered this site…and reading the posts was like a light switch coming on…almost as if I was writing these experiences myself.

Been married for over 2 years, with a 3year relationship. Pretty similar to what I’ve seen here…super intense at first.  Never felt so loved, adored, admired.  Felt like the white knight who would finally save her from all her past abuse.  Early signs, push and pull.  Think I have some codependency/abandonment issues myself.  When she withdrew, my anxiety of losing her made me really try to fight toward keeping her, and I chalked up her withdrawal to her past trauma…she would go back and forth on marrying me, not wanting to marry me and wanting time.  While I was “forceful” in her going through with marriage…she had turned that into I forced her to marry me, wouldn’t give her time etc…and maybe I am at fault for that.  I’m so confused.  Can’t live without me, love of her life…next day she wants to wait is worried about committing.  It was a rollercoaster of mixed signals.  She doesn’t seem to remember any of her part of that.  I’m in a negative splitting session now…and worst than it has ever been.

She is done now.  No reconciliation (every time I’ve tried to work on our marriage it never resulted in any actionable items…mostly fights where nothing I said was heard or it was repeated back to me different than what I said meant).  So, she has said it is over, she is done.  Been withdrawn and silent from her for a few days.  Tonight, she says she wants to talk civilly. Of course…didn’t happen.

I let her talk.  It was 5 minutes of how everything wrong was my fault, “forcing her” to marry me, being abusive, narcissistic, gaslighting her, spiritually abusing her, mentally emotionally etc…which I am apparently not supposed to be upset about or defend myself at all, and my calm responses were me “getting angry”.  Additionally…and too long to explain here…but she has consistently sabotaged me (she will deny it outright) from working (belittling me when I was, constantly saying we are moving when I’m looking, lending my vehicle to her brother when I got approved for Uber) only to tell me I don’t provide and work even when she begged me..and she makes a lot of money, lavishly spends and lives above our means.

She constantly threatened tonight how she has witnesses (all her friends and family) that I constantly abused her and they would attest to it (her family when she would provoke me endlessly to where I’d yell and whatever she tells her friends about me). 

She finally got me to tell her how I feel…I opened my mouth “I feel like when I express my feelings you ignore or invalidate them” and she cuts me off saying she DOES listen to my feelings and validate them. Oh, the irony.  I admitted fault several times.  She didn’t except in a crying fit when I said I feel like she has abused me…and the apology was “I’m so sorry I abused you by loving and supporting you!”…which obviously isn’t genuine or accountability.  Amazing how fast the water works stopped when…and probably a mistake, I told her again she has BPD and needs to get help.  From there all insults, degradations and threats.

What I don’t get though…rationally I really don’t think I’m the abuser here…and I’m accused of everything I feel she does to me…but HOW ON EARTH do I question it?  How on earth can she make me doubt myself and the situation as if that is really what happened as she says it did?  Is it common for the person who is gaslit to be accused of gaslighting?  How am I the worst person in the world to her right now?  The things she says about me just aren’t who I am or how I have been…but there are truths.  Not working, haven’t financially supported (but feel truly sabotaged there)…it is maddening.  Oh, and me saying she should get help for BPD she framed as me saying I want to see her in a straight jacket!  What?  I genuinely said counseling sessions and recommended DBT…

Also we are Christians.  If I turn to the Bible for anything, any advice on divorce, remarriage, loving one another etc…she says that is spiritual abuse and controlling.

So a few questions.  Does this sound like she does have BPD or tendencies?  And, am I crazy?  Am I the one at fault here?  Am I the controlling narcissist?

This hurts so bad.  She is leaving, no regard for how that hurts, as if I’m yesterday’s trash.  My only sanity now is God and finding and reading this site to see that she has this condition I think and that it isn’t really her or my fault…please help!

Please,

[HumanLarvae]

First post.  Just discovered this site…and reading the posts was like a light switch coming on…almost as if I was writing these experiences myself.

Been married for over 2 years, with a 3year relationship. Pretty similar to what I’ve seen here…super intense at first.  Never felt so loved, adored, admired.  Felt like the white knight who would finally save her from all her past abuse.  Early signs, push and pull.  Think I have some codependency/abandonment issues myself.  When she withdrew, my anxiety of losing her made me really try to fight toward keeping her, and I chalked up her withdrawal to her past trauma…she would go back and forth on marrying me, not wanting to marry me and wanting time.  While I was “forceful” in her going through with marriage…she had turned that into I forced her to marry me, wouldn’t give her time etc…and maybe I am at fault for that.  I’m so confused.  Can’t live without me, love of her life…next day she wants to wait is worried about committing.  It was a rollercoaster of mixed signals.  She doesn’t seem to remember any of her part of that.  I’m in a negative splitting session now…and worst than it has ever been.

She is done now.  No reconciliation (every time I’ve tried to work on our marriage it never resulted in any actionable items…mostly fights where nothing I said was heard or it was repeated back to me different than what I said meant).  So, she has said it is over, she is done.  Been withdrawn and silent from her for a few days.  Tonight, she says she wants to talk civilly. Of course…didn’t happen.

I let her talk.  It was 5 minutes of how everything wrong was my fault, “forcing her” to marry me, being abusive, narcissistic, gaslighting her, spiritually abusing her, mentally emotionally etc…which I am apparently not supposed to be upset about or defend myself at all, and my calm responses were me “getting angry”.  Additionally…and too long to explain here…but she has consistently sabotaged me (she will deny it outright) from working (belittling me when I was, constantly saying we are moving when I’m looking, lending my vehicle to her brother when I got approved for Uber) only to tell me I don’t provide and work even when she begged me..and she makes a lot of money, lavishly spends and lives above our means.

She constantly threatened tonight how she has witnesses (all her friends and family) that I constantly abused her and they would attest to it (her family when she would provoke me endlessly to where I’d yell and whatever she tells her friends about me). 

She finally got me to tell her how I feel…I opened my mouth “I feel like when I express my feelings you ignore or invalidate them” and she cuts me off saying she DOES listen to my feelings and validate them. Oh, the irony.  I admitted fault several times.  She didn’t except in a crying fit when I said I feel like she has abused me…and the apology was “I’m so sorry I abused you by loving and supporting you!”…which obviously isn’t genuine or accountability.  Amazing how fast the water works stopped when…and probably a mistake, I told her again she has BPD and needs to get help.  From there all insults, degradations and threats.

What I don’t get though…rationally I really don’t think I’m the abuser here…and I’m accused of everything I feel she does to me…but HOW ON EARTH do I question it?  How on earth can she make me doubt myself and the situation as if that is really what happened as she says it did?  Is it common for the person who is gaslit to be accused of gaslighting?  How am I the worst person in the world to her right now?  The things she says about me just aren’t who I am or how I have been…but there are truths.  Not working, haven’t financially supported (but feel truly sabotaged there)…it is maddening.  Oh, and me saying she should get help for BPD she framed as me saying I want to see her in a straight jacket!  What?  I genuinely said counseling sessions and recommended DBT…

Also we are Christians.  If I turn to the Bible for anything, any advice on divorce, remarriage, loving one another etc…she says that is spiritual abuse and controlling.

So a few questions.  Does this sound like she does have BPD or tendencies?  And, am I crazy?  Am I the one at fault here?  Am I the controlling narcissist?

This hurts so bad.  She is leaving, no regard for how that hurts, as if I’m yesterday’s trash.  My only sanity now is God and finding and reading this site to see that she has this condition I think and that it isn’t really her or my fault…please help!

Please,

[Under The Bridge]

Hi and welcome to the site.  It really is an awakening when you see that others have experienced exactly the same things and that the script of BPD runs so alike for everyone. When I was with my BPD ex many years ago, I'd never heard of BPD and just assumed she was naturally moody and had a mean streak. Quite an eye-opener when I finally found the symptoms of BDP and realised they matched my ex perfectly.

What I don’t get though…rationally I really don’t think I’m the abuser here…and I’m accused of everything I feel she does to me…but HOW ON EARTH do I question it?  How on earth can she make me doubt myself and the situation as if that is really what happened as she says it did?  Is it common for the person who is gaslit to be accused of gaslighting?  How am I the worst person in the world to her right now? 

This is called 'projecting' and is one of the classic BPD characteristics.

In order to ease their own pain and reinforce their 'I am always the victim' mentality, they will turn things around so that you are made out to be the perpetrator. Often a BPD will tell you of how their previous partners didn't treat them well but in reality it was them who didn't treat their partners well. Projection.  When your relationship ends, the BDP will tell their next partner that you were always the one at fault so the cycle continues. BPD's are never in the wrong - in their own minds.

This is her illness in action. It's not your fault and you're doing nothing wrong. It's vital for your own well-being that you realise this. We've all been through this, where things get so bad that we start to question ourselves and think 'What if it is really me causing this?'  We think logically and like all logical people, we accept that we're not perfect so maybe some of this is our fault - but it isn't.  It's the fault of someone who sadly has a mental illness, does not think logically and has the emotional control of a small child. They lash out without thinking and their thoughts and emotions can literally change by the second - as I'm sure you've already found.

It's not her fault either - she's ill and needs help. I hope you can get her to eventually accept professional help but from what you wrote it seems she won't accept she even has a problem - and that's what needed first.

Best wishes

[Pook075]

Also we are Christians.  If I turn to the Bible for anything, any advice on divorce, remarriage, loving one another etc…she says that is spiritual abuse and controlling.

So a few questions.  Does this sound like she does have BPD or tendencies?  And, am I crazy?  Am I the one at fault here?  Am I the controlling narcissist?

Hello and welcome to the family!  As a Christian, my heart goes out to you since I walked this exact path almost three years ago.  And everyone had opinions on her side, my side, etc. since this was a large Christian family.  I said to every person I talked to that I didn't want them to take my side, but to take God's side and help me fight for my marriage.  They had no idea what that even meant though since the "facts" were louder than God's voice.

Like you, I "confessed my sins" since I was wrong at times.  The correct version was that we were both wrong, but that part never came out in discussions with my ex wife.  These experiences were re-written how I was loud and abusive...and there were partial truths to that.  

If we're arguing and I say something that hurts your feelings, even if it's true and valid, I'm still hurting your feelings.  And if we argue over the same thing 10 times and I "stick to my guns", then sure...that could feel abusive to you.  Nobody gets to say how anyone else feels, after all.  Could that be reversed and your dialogue is also abusive to me?  Sure.  Arguments require two participants and most of the time, both are wrong since we're called to live in peace.  The real goal is not to argue in the first place.

Now let's get to your questions.  Does this sound like BPD?  It is very consistent with what I experienced with my BPD ex and BPD daughter.  And that doesn't mean it's definitely BPD, but it does mean that the communication tools you'll learn on this site can help you in future conversations.

Next, are you crazy?  That's a loaded question since mental health is not a physical, tangible thing that remains constant.  If you're arguing with someone who's mentally ill, then it affects your mental health.  Doing it long term to the point where you question your own sanity means that you'd probably benefit from therapy and talking this out.  Are you crazy?  Probably not in the way you're implying.  Are you struggling due to the situation?  Absolutely.

Next, are you at fault?  That's another loaded question since the answer is both "yes" and "no."  If your wife is mentally ill, then the problems stem from that and it's nobody's fault.  At the same time though, you have a part to play in how you communicate and interact with your wife.  Again, Jesus calls us to live in peace...which means don't argue about things that simply don't matter.  

We all fall into that pattern in marriage where we have to learn to love and support one another...and it's ultra hard when you're not getting that support back.  I completely understand because this is my story as well.  1st Corinthians 13: 4-7 is how you're called to love your wife, and how she's called to love you.

Finally, are you the controlling narcissist?  I would assume you're not since you're here trying to find ways to work through this.  Seeking help and admitting faults is not something a narcissist can easily do.  Many here have been called the same thing by their projecting spouses.  This also touches on your other questions- does a gaslighter accuse others of gaslighting?  Absolutely.  Do narcissists see others as narcissistic?  Yes.  Do BPD's invalidate others feelings while trying to validate their own?  Yes, yes yes.  

That's because of mental illness and not seeing things objectively when they're dysregulated.

My advice is to talk to your pastor.  Not to present your side, but simply to share that you're struggling and would like marriage help.  Now is the time to draw God closer and let him lead you.

I hope that helps- please feel free to ask additional questions or simply vent.

[HumanLarvae]

Thanks guys…yeah I should talk to my Pastor.  I’ve always been so hesitant to paint her in a bad light to anyone in our circle…but that is probably just a symptom of the abuse.

It is eating at me.  Can we talk calmly and amicably?  I agree to it…then 5 minutes of berating me, calling me an abusive narcissist whose mistakes ruined both of our lives…

Is that speaking calmly and amicably?  Is there anyone in the world who wouldn’t feel disrespected and disregarded there? 

And it is always the same.  As far as providing, and I can never even get to the point of this here to her, get stopped and diverted first few sentences every time…

I am fairly fiscally responsible/wise.  She makes good money.  If she simply respected some aspect of me, especially fiscally, we wouldn’t be having the financial issues we are right now.  Think of it purely from a maturity standpoint.

When we got married, I had a job as an apartment manager.  This meant that in CA my rent in my one bedroom was only $315.    Yes, it was a very modest 1 bedroom.  She lived in a luxury apartment that was $5k a month. 

So, had she moved in with me (and at this point is where she cuts me off, I try and can’t get to the rest)…we would have saved at least $4k a month (she would have gas expense for an hour or so commute min-Fri).

So, by extension, my job would be saving us at least 4K per month.  Yes, downgrade in quality of living and yes inconvenience of a commute for her, however if we sacrificed for the future we’d have had $48k in a year for a down payment on a house.

Her reasoning was she was “upgrading” my standard of living and she didn’t want to live in a “crap hole” and have to commute. Not mature, not rational, not wise, and completely forfeited an amazing opportunity (who can live in CA for $315 a month!) that I was uniquely providing!

Of course, the issue she makes central is my being a poor provider!

[Me88]

Hi and welcome to the site.  It really is an awakening when you see that others have experienced exactly the same things and that the script of BPD runs so alike for everyone. When I was with my BPD ex many years ago, I'd never heard of BPD and just assumed she was naturally moody and had a mean streak. Quite an eye-opener when I finally found the symptoms of BDP and realised they matched my ex perfectly.

This is called 'projecting' and is one of the classic BPD characteristics.

In order to ease their own pain and reinforce their 'I am always the victim' mentality, they will turn things around so that you are made out to be the perpetrator. Often a BPD will tell you of how their previous partners didn't treat them well but in reality it was them who didn't treat their partners well. Projection.  When your relationship ends, the BDP will tell their next partner that you were always the one at fault so the cycle continues. BPD's are never in the wrong - in their own minds.

This is her illness in action. It's not your fault and you're doing nothing wrong. It's vital for your own well-being that you realise this. We've all been through this, where things get so bad that we start to question ourselves and think 'What if it is really me causing this?'  We think logically and like all logical people, we accept that we're not perfect so maybe some of this is our fault - but it isn't.  It's the fault of someone who sadly has a mental illness, does not think logically and has the emotional control of a small child. They lash out without thinking and their thoughts and emotions can literally change by the second - as I'm sure you've already found.

It's not her fault either - she's ill and needs help. I hope you can get her to eventually accept professional help but from what you wrote it seems she won't accept she even has a problem - and that's what needed first.

Best wishes

this is right. Projection. They will do something, then immediately say it was you, it's crazy making. And yes, you start to think it's your fault. And you do question yourself and your reality. Although it isn't 'their fault', I sort of think it is in that they do show glimpses of remorse, guilt, acting 'normal'. Life might be more confusing and difficult for them, but they do choose to do these things.

[Notwendy]

Due to projection, pwBPD tend to perceive themselves in victim mode and blame others for their own distressing feelings.

Trying to "defend" yourself isn't as effective because of their own thinking. To maintain your own sense of who you are requires some boundaries.

If I told you that you are a pink elephant, would you consider it? Would you believe me? I hope not, because I think you are quite certain you are not an elephant. Does my saying you are make it true? No, I could think you are an elephant and tell you you are but it won't make it true.

Now, apply that to your wife's accusations. If they are not true, then they aren't true.

It's understandable that you don't wish to speak poorly of your wife but if the motive is asking for help for you- that is different. Pastors, like counselors, and therapists vary in their skill and experience with mental illness and relationship issues. Some clergy have some training in counseling. Speak to him for advice but make it from your perspective. "I am having marriage troubles" is a way to begin. And when speaking about your wife, speak from your perspective too. "I don't know what to do when she accuses me of things I didn't do" rather than "she's abusive". Speaking from your perspective, rather than a list of complaints about her lets him know that you don't intend to speak poorly of her- and also that you are genuinely seeking support.

If the pastor is experienced and sensitive to these issues- he will ask for clarification. If he comes across as critical and dogmatic- he's not in a position to be supportive to you. Don't discount therapists- they may be in a better position to help you if you don't feel a pastor can.

BPD is a mental illness is a broad term and not everyone with a mental illness is considered incapable. If your wife is able to perform in her work and do well- she is capable of knowing how to behave in an appropriate way at work.  It is in the most intimate relationships that they have the most emotional issues- that she can't help- but still her having BPD is not a reason for you to allow her to be abusive to you.

As to who is at "fault"- it isn't your wife's fault that she has BPD but in general, pwBPD are considered legally competent.PwBPD are self directed, they can sign contracts, consent to treatment, and if they commit a crime, they can be tried for that. You can still have compassion and be forgiving for her issues and also protect yourself from abusive behavior- this could mean walking away while she's yelling at you, not engaging in demeaning conversations.

[Pook075]

It is eating at me.  Can we talk calmly and amicably? 

No, you can't talk calmly and amicably because you're not playing by a fair set of rules.

Think about it this way- you and I happen to run into each other in a crowded mall.  We're complete strangers and know nothing of one another.  But I look at you and say the things your wife always says in an argument.

What do you do?

Maybe you argue back, but more likely you're going to simply walk away.  Because why would you validate a stranger's anger and bitterness?  Obviously I had something going on in my life that was so off, I felt it was okay to randomly yell at people in a mall.

Yet when your wife does that and you know the proper thing to do, you stay and listen to her berate you without fighting back.

With BPD, teaching right and wrong is critically important.  If she yells and you simply take it, that not only tells her that yelling is okay, but she should be a little meaner the next time because you're simply not understanding what she's saying.  So things escalate...and escalate...and escalate.

Try this instead.  If she insults you, get up and walk away.  If she follows, tell her that you need some space and are going for a walk.  If she continues, get in your car and drive away.  The only thing you should say during this exchange is something like, "We both need to calm down and treat each other respectfully, so I'll be back later."

Why?

Because when she's dysregulated, she's like a mother lion protecting her cubs...ready to pounce at anything that might challenge her.  When you see that behavior, there's two options- calm her down or walk away.  Anything else is a fool's errand because she's dysregulated and reacting solely on emotion.  That's not the time to have a productive conversation....it's almost impossible at that point.

In a way, this is indeed your fault because you've allowed her to become an abuser that's not held accountable.  You can't know what you don't know, and most of what you read here about dealing with BPDs is counter-intuitive.  None of it comes naturally.

Step one though is always to stop arguing...everyone loses in an argument.  Just walk away since it's showing her that you're not going to do it any longer.

Now, things may become worse at first because you're challenging her norms...why is he not sitting there and allowing me to abuse him like normal?  So she may become even more aggressive and you may have to take appropriate actions...up to defending yourself and calling the police.  Nobody wants to do that, but at the same time the verbal abuse has to stop one way or the other.

When I went through this three years ago, God got me through it.  I dug into my bible, spent time away from the home in prayer, and really searched for what God was leading me to do.  That saved my sanity and allowed me to get through the process without fighting back.  In time, I felt compassion for my wife because I realized that she was sick and suffering...not because of me, but because she was mentally ill and lashing out at the world.

It broke my heart, but I continued to pray and seek God's path for my life.  I asked for restoration but ultimately submitted to whatever path he lead me on.

You will get through this and one way or the other, it will work out as God intended it to.  But you have to stop accepting the abuse and the mental attacks; this is spiritual warfare and you're allowing it to torment you.  Please reach out to your pastor for help and begin to fight back the way Jesus would fight back...with patience and compassion.

I hope that helps.

[ForeverDad]

I recall the time - it was in the final years of our 15 year marriage - that our pediatrician recommended counselors to my spouse but she retorted, "I have the Bible!"  The reality is that serious mental health issues exist in 10-15% of the marriages that end - regardless of one's spiritual convictions.

It is your decision whether there exists credible hope for your marriage to be repaired.  The odds don't sound great at this point but it is possible.  However, whatever you decide, it would be wise not to have children together until you are sure your marriage is well along the way to recovery.  Sadly, having children does not fix serious mental health issues, rather it makes family life more complicated and if the marriage does later fail then the divorce is vastly more complicated due to the custody and parenting matters.  I and many others here learned that the hard way.

[once removed]

  projection is not the same as hypocrisy or name calling. someone with bpd calling someone a narcissist does not = "they are actually calling themselves a narcissist".

"narcissist" is a very popular and even more overused term that people increasingly use to describe someone they are in conflict with. this doesnt have to be deeper than that.

separating this question from your wifes accusations (shes not exactly in a constructive mode), could you have narcissistic traits/tendencies? you could. bpd and npd (or people with traits) pairings are legendary. 50% of romantic partners of someone with bpd have a personality disorder themselves. it pays to look at this objectively. by your own admission, you "have some issues" - and youre not alone.

While I was “forceful” in her going through with marriage…she had turned that into I forced her to marry me

can you say more about this? it sounds like she had cold feet, felt pressured, and she currently (or she has always) held resentment over that. its a real sticking point. what does "forceful in her going through with the marriage" mean?

shes exploding now. shes not listening, or in a constructive mode. in between all of the "youre the worst person in the world, you gaslighting abusive narcissist", that is your consistent thread - she felt pressured into the marriage. it happens, for different reasons; it is why so many marriages end so quickly.

which I am apparently not supposed to be upset about or defend myself at all, and my calm responses were me “getting angry”.
...
She constantly threatened tonight how she has witnesses (all her friends and family) that I constantly abused her
...
she would provoke me endlessly to where I’d yell and whatever she tells her friends about me). 
...
I opened my mouth “I feel like when I express my feelings you ignore or invalidate them” and she cuts me off saying she DOES listen to my feelings and validate them.

you are both deeply locked in conflict, in what sounds like stage 4 of a relationship breakdown: https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

neither of you are in listening mode - you are in a defensive posture, she is in an aggressive posture. you each blame the other for your actions/reactions. you are both recruiting outsiders (her family, and us) to validate your side of the conflict, which only polarizes it.

This hurts so bad.

i know. youre struggling here, and you dont want your marriage to end. i dont know if the marriage can be saved or not, but we can help. if you want to save your marriage, its going to take a very different, and counter-intuitive approach. we can talk about it, though the Detaching board is not the board for trying to save a marriage.

if you feel that the marriage is irreversibly heading to an end, it would generally be best to just avoid conflict and argument, as much as possible - basically keep an emotional distance. shes not in a place to hear you or your side of things right now - she wants her perspective validated at least as much as you do. if you dont fuel that (dont engage), she will mostly aim it at her family.

[seekingtheway]

Looking at the dynamics on both sides of a relationship and seeing it more clearly for what it is can be hard work, and does require you to be in a somewhat steady place. And the clarity you get will change over time as well, especially if you enter therapy and look at things with a number of different lenses.

There can be a lot of projection and gaslighting in relationships with someone with BPD. And there can be a sense of 'Am I the crazy one?', especially when thing really start to unravel. But just because our partner suffers from BPD or has traits of BPD, it doesn't automatically absolve us of any wrongdoing, or from having our own dysfunctional patterns that we bring to the mix.

It does sound a bit like you're currently both throwing whatever accusations you've got into the ring in a way that means neither of you are feeling heard... and so for now, it might help to try and get space from those hurtful conversations that are just adding fuel to an already burning fire. You will know better than anyone whether you think there's a chance you'd be able to have a more rational conversation at some point in the future, but for now, showing her you don't want to hurt each other further and disengaging from the fight might be best.

Just re the overall dynamics that were at play in your relationship... you mention that her avoidance and withdrawal caused you to become anxious and to possibly chase her and pressure her. Which will probably have made her want to withdraw more, which will have made you even more anxious... this is a classic anxious/avoidant dance. I remember it so well with my ex. I learned over time that the best way to handle his withdrawal was to give him the space he wanted and needed, and just try and stay steady in my own corner. The thing I didn't know about myself was the toll the constant withdrawal would take on my nervous system over time, and how anxious I would eventually become from staying in a relationship where I was often neglected and knew I might be left at any moment if I even breathed in the wrong direction. That constant threat of abandonment really brought out the worst in me, and I acted in ways towards the very end that showed my anxiety very clearly. I never became nasty, disrespectful or abusive, but I completely overwhelmed him with displays of emotion and I was reactive in ways I'm not normally, crossed my own boundaries about not contacting him, and I said a lot of words... a lot of words... I pushed him really hard for clarity and validation and for him to see and acknowledge my pain - all things he was just unable to give me.

I suspect this gave him the fodder he needed to label me a covert narcissist. A year of therapy has helped me to accept that my reaction was a trauma response and that I am not a narcissist at all. However, I did sit with the label for a while and really looked at it deeply. I see how he would have felt entirely overwhelmed by my responses at the time... and how it was impossible for him to respond well to the way I was communicating - but I also see why I reacted that way and that in many ways it was justified. I guess what I'm saying is that I can see it both sides, and have compassion for both of us, and the dysfunctional way that we both reacted and handled that period of time.

It's hard, but try and give yourself compassion for going through a really tough time, and seek as much support and help as you need to find strengh and steadiness within yourself rather than reaching out to her.

[HumanLarvae]

I will be suddenly leaving, and going NC.  Leaving door open only if she gets real help and acknowledges her issues.  Otherwise it will never work anyway and I am done being treated this way.  Have to get myself out of this toxic environment and stand up for myself.

Thank you all!

[once removed]

I will be suddenly leaving, and going NC.  Leaving door open

HumanLarvae, this is gas on a fire, it is not going to make this any simpler, and besides, its not a sincere move to leave your marriage, its a bid to make her cave in/see things your way; it will backfire, and you will be back here, heartbroken.

this is hard enough. why make it harder?

if you have accepted that the marriage is over, and you want to leave, do that; schedule a consult with a lawyer. know your options. consider moving out - in a less "in your face" fashion.

This hurts so bad.  She is leaving

i dont think you posted here because you wanted that to happen. i think you posted here because youre at your wits end, in a conflict riddled marriage, and while it feels great to have someone on your side for once, i also think you posted because you love your wife, and you dont want her to leave. we get that.

if, deep down, you want to save this, dont be drastic; let your frustration out here (weve been there), and then lets think this through.

[ThanksForPlaying]

Suddenly leaving and going NC is certainly one way to exit a BPD relationship.  In this case, you happen to still be married, so you have a few loose ends to tie up.  It won't be truly No Contact.

Try to at least have a plan for the things you need to do, so it doesn't become an open-ended push-pull.  If you're serious about moving out, have a date planned for when you're talking to a lawyer, when you're filing for divorce, and whatever else you need to do to be able to truly go No Contact. It might be more steps than you think, when you start writing everything down. You can also do many of these steps before you move out.