Need suggestions and your insights

[losthope1234]

Hi, i am new here. I am in a relationship with him for 18yrs now. Met him in high school. The relationship has always been tumultuous. 10 years back, I found his natures matches high-functioning BPD (undiagnosed). I believe, it only worked this long because I am too passive and easily give in to his demands and mostly accept the blame and try to settle everything. Also, I recently figured, that I am highly sensitive person so I must have always put his needs first. Luckily during "relationship phase" we lived in our respective homes. We got married four years back. Since we started to live together, it's become very hard. Worst parts are the endless blames that are put onto me and my family. Added to it are the 'fault-picking', as in, the endless faults in me and my habits. I always have had very poor self esteem from childhood. Additionally, I am extremely sensitive to conflicts and even tiny stuffs throws me off balance, most likely because I am highly sensitive. His rage totally throws me off balance and I take days to recover. Giving into his demands, trying to "correct" myself for any behavior which he thinks is "unhealthy" has left me very drained and extremely depressed and burnt out. Also, I am into higher academia, the PhD journey also have damaged my mental health badly.

It would be very helpful if you can share the strategies you use to combat the blame games and to maintain/regain your own identity. A recent example is: extreme rage and shouting at me because i was 15mins late. He is very punctual person. So the shouting goes like "you do this repeatedly, two years back too you were late on so and so date, you have no respect for me, I have no value, my time has no value, so i will move out,i will pack all my stuff next week and move out" .

(Just for some context, I also have ADHD, he knows that, and honestly, since he is very punctual, i try my best 9/10 times to be on time, at-least for cases that pertains to him. but i miss this one time and he "threatens" to move out.)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[cynp]

Hello,
So many of us go home to similar situations & suffer in silence. I'm here because I am having a hard time too and am showing signs of depression.
I know there are times when my partner is in a foul mood and I am eventually going to become a target. It will be some tiny thing I did or said or didn't do "correctly," such a towel hung the wrong way, and if they can't find something like that, they will bring up something from the past or just make something up. for ex, we watched a movie that had a cheating character and they began accusing me of cheating. I have never been unfaithful.
I am still having a rough time myself so I dodn't have much advice. When my partner is having a rage episode I try to see them as the abused child reliving the things that happened to them, not the adult in the present. and that it is BPD saying those ugly things. I know this is wrong but it seems that I have become an outlet and if they are having a bad day they have learned they can rage at me and then the feeling clears. sometimes if I can handle a short outburst we can heave a pleasant rest of the day. when I am being shouted at, insulted, accused, I try to not have any emotional reaction. I'll try and imagine religious imagery or concentrate on some object in the room. Many times they will yell themselves out and almsot "reset."