How to walk away amicably

[WarriorMomof2]

Hi, I recently posted on another topic about my partner of 5 years (undiagnosed) who had discarded me after a splitting episode. Well he contacted me to apologise and said he wanted to talk and said knew what his issues were. Against my better judgement I met him as I felt he wanted to disclose how he was feeling and ask me for support to get help as he had in the past.

Its safe to say the conversation did not go well. All it was was an opportunity for him to tell me again everything was my fault (clearly still in devaluation stage). I could almost see the push pull cycle going on in his head. At one point I went to hand him his key back to his apartment and leave as things got heated but this triggered him further so I stayed. Once he had calmed down and stop talking at me I suggested to him that he knew there was something wrong with his mental health and that all the paranoia that I was cheating and suggestions that I was using him to pass the time were unfounded. I told him I loved him and would never cheat or string him along or use him. He sat and listened then became a little emotional then hugged me but did not say anything.
The following morning he panicked as I was leaving that I had left the key on the table- he grabbed me and I could almost see the terror as he asked me to take the key the look in his eyes unsettled me .

I broached it with him later and asked him what that was all about but he told me I'd ruined his mood and asked me to stop suggesting he was mentally ill. He then launched into another round of telling me how miserable I was that I was ruining his good mood etc.

I now feel its time for me to walk away. He's clearly panicked about me abandoning him but is still treating me with such contempt. He also won't admit this behaviour is not normal -therefore I cannot help him.

I suppose I'm asking how I make the break now. We don't live together have any kids together or shared finances so it should be simpler but I worry about him either becoming volatile or maybe even hurting himself. I don't know what to do.

I am planning some therapy to get over this whole nightmare as i'm completely drained mentally and emotionally. This man has been in my life for 24 years and i've been in a relationship for five, its so hard to walk away from someone you love so much but who is destroying you...

[Pook075]

That's probably the toughest topic on this site- how to walk away from someone you care about when you know there's a real chance they can self harm.

Well, you said it yourself- he needs therapy and he refuses.  If you walk away, things will get worse for him and he may make bad decisions.  And those bad decisions may lead to a mandated stay in a mental health facility.

My BPD daughter's biggest progress always came just after a break-up, and it's because she couldn't deal with losing the person she loved the most.  As a dad it broke my heart but at the same time, she needed motivation to actually accept she was mentally ill and seek treatment.

As cold as this may sound, you are not responsible for him or his mental health.  You're responsible for you only, and he's not treating you like he should.  And yes, he's mentally ill, he deserves compassion from all of us...but not at our own expense. 

I support my BPD daughter and BPD ex-wife as much as humanly possible- until they cross a line in the sand and become abusive towards me.  Then I withdraw and put myself first.  That doesn't mean being ugly or mean to them; it's simply about cutting off the abuse and doing what's best for my mental health.

If you wait for him to be mentally stable to leave, then you're never leaving.  It's that simple.  So leaving today is the same as leaving next month, next year, etc.  It's going to be a really bad day for him regardless.

There's also a glimmer of hope in your leaving- maybe it's the thing that makes him realize that he's behaved badly and needs some help.  Like I said earlier, that's what led to my kid's breakthrough and completely changing her life around.  Because if her partner had ultimately stayed back then, then there's zero chance my kid would have made those changes.  The breakup was the best thing that ever happened to her, despite the initial pain that it caused.

I hope that helps!

[WarriorMomof2]

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense and sounds like you have so much experience of this condition.

Like you say I’m not helping him by staying around waiting for him to be well and unintentionally triggering him. I’ve tried to gently tell him he needs help and that I love and care about him and there’s nothing more I can do now.

I really hope he gets therapy but I will walk away and cut all contact in the hope he may realise in time. I know I need to put myself first and focus on my two teenage daughters who thankfully have not been exposed to all of the dysfunction and emotional turmoil I have endured in that relationship.

Thanks again for your great advice it really is appreciated

[Pook075]

No problem at all, and please feel free to talk this out as you process it and make decisions on moving forward.  You'll find a wide range of experiences here; my separation/divorce with my BPD ex was surprisingly peaceful and easy.  Others have gone through hell and back.  So my only advice would be to have a plan of all the logistics involved for your side, so things can happen as smoothly as possible.

[seekingtheway]

Hi there,

It's a really tough decision to make, but it sounds like you're feeling pretty sure that this is the right thing for you to do now.

It's the hardest thing to walk away from someone you really love, but if you know that the relationship will keep grinding you down to the point where there's not much left of you and your needs are not being considered at all, it really does become a matter of your own survival at some point.

As Pook said, if you keep hoping and waiting for him to get better, it may never get there, so perhaps the best thing for him is to come to the realisation that he does indeed need help and support and to seek it himself. It's so hard if you're worried about him hurting himself, but beyond communicating your boundaries in the most loving way possible, there's not much more you can do. Your own health and wellbeing is important.

The fear of abandonment is going to make the process painful for him, but it's also painful for you as you're dealing with codependency and a trauma bond.

I relate to having children from a previous relationship who you have protected from the relationship. This was the thing that helped me to see the relationship would never really work, because I knew there would be an inevitable effect on them from being exposed to such huge instability. I kept them out of it as much as I could, and I'm so glad I did... but they were still affected because I was emotionally not as available to them from dealing with the constant drama. One year out, things are much better for us. I am now able to be present with them. Life is looking up.

[EyesUp]

I now feel its time for me to walk away. He's clearly panicked about me abandoning him but is still treating me with such contempt. He also won't admit this behaviour is not normal -therefore I cannot help him.

Once you've decided to leave, and you've clearly communicated that's the case, there are a few approaches to keep in mind - for your benefit, and for his...

I suppose I'm asking how I make the break now. We don't live together have any kids together or shared finances so it should be simpler but I worry about him either becoming volatile or maybe even hurting himself. I don't know what to do.

We often discuss FOG - Fear, Obligation, and Guilt - as a framework to describe the dynamics that can keep many of us in unhealthy or even abusive relationships.  Your concern about volatility (not good for either of you) and self harm (not good for him) seems like it's right out of the FOG scenario...  you can read more about it here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Even if you don't relate to this particular framework, I would encourage you to continue to focus on what's right for you. i.e., shift the frame from prioritizing him to prioritizing you. You're already on the path. Keep going.

e.g., when you fully understand and accept that the relationship you thought you had, or hoped to have, cannot happen - you'll realize that letting go of him is actually taking a step toward a chance to be healthier in the future - for both of you.

I often post this:  in my journey, I came to understand that "radical acceptance" didn't mean I had to accept my disordered partner and her rages, perceived insults, cycles of depression and anxiety (frequently attributed to me) - rather, the thing I had to accept was what I could change in myself.  This realization was a gift.

I am planning some therapy to get over this whole nightmare as i'm completely drained mentally and emotionally. This man has been in my life for 24 years and i've been in a relationship for five, its so hard to walk away from someone you love so much but who is destroying you...

Agree, it's hard. Good step in the right direction to start therapy. To answer your original question re: "how to do it" - Perhaps the best advice I can give you at this point is:  Try to disengage by avoiding interaction. If you must communicate, keep it short and to the point - don't take the bait to get lured into an emotional confrontation of any sort. Be neutral, flat, and boring. i.e., don't feed the fire - for him or you.

You're at the point where you know what to expect - and hope to avoid it.  So, it's up to you to take full responsibility for what you bring to the table. If you want to avoid conflict, then avoid conflict. In some ways, it's really that simple. That means: Don't engage. Give yourself the chance to fade out of his life - and let him fade out of yours.

Does this make sense?

Hang in there, and let us know how you're doing.

[WarriorMomof2]

Thank you seeking the way and eyes up. You’ve both given me such valuable advice too.

The one thing I’m so glad about is that my children have not been exposed. His  children are both estranged from him now which really speaks volumes to me about what they must have endured from him. I think I became his favourite person after his youngest daughter told him she didn’t want to see him any more. In hindsight that’s when all of my issues with him escalated. Thankfully my daughters only met him once and in my gut I knew I always wanted to keep them separate to protect them from his behaviour. But like you say after each split/ discard I was a wreck so I’m sure I wasn’t as present as I should’ve been even tho I tried so hard to act normally.

I have realised that minimal contact and  a gradual withdrawal is the best course of action for me now.  But  I think in his head even when we’re not in contact we’re still together so my next challenge will be trying to get that message across in the least turbulent way.

Again thanks so much for your advice. I’ve felt so isolated trying to cope with this alone but finding this site has been a godsend.

[seekingtheway]

You did well to listen to your gut on that one and keep your children out of it for a relationship of that length.

My ex was more involved with my children, but we didn't get to the point of sleeping under the same roof when children were there and I'm so glad I didn't. After many make-up/break-up cycles, and the fact I could see how unstable he was generally, that was the thing I worried about, how it would effect my children if he was to keep coming and going in that way, and how upset I was each time he left. With the benefit of hindsight, and seeing how he reacted to the boundaries I set about my children, I know without a doubt I did the right thing to exit the relationship.

Please keep us updated as you move through the next steps. There's lots of people here who get it.

I did not follow this advice at all, and there were consequences for that, but trying to keep intense emotions out of any discussions, whilst also not expecting or needing any responsibility to be taken for his side of the fence - might help you to exit in the least turbulent way possible.

[WarriorMomof2]

I completely relate about setting boundaries with your children. My partner always called the shots, sometimes he discussed wanting more involvement with my girls on his terms only and others he wanted me all to himself. I always prioritised the quality time with my girls and I think that's whats caused so many issues - he said he was a 'gap filler' yet I  spent 50% of the week staying at his house and popped him to see him every day. Once he became  disregulated he wanted me there full time but that was not realistic with my work and my children. Despite me constantly trying to bend to his rules and requests nothing was ever enough.

I get what you mean about not expecting any accountability from him, its so frustrating that he is so delusional about everything and cannot see the real issues at play. Its made me question my own reality at times but thankfully i'm quite and emotionally aware and resilient person and can see he's not trying to manipulate me purposely but genuinely believes his own deluded reality. Its tempting to send long messages or emails in the hope he'll have a lightbulb moment, but all it does is cause circular arguments and a lot more upset then nothing is resolved anyway.

I genuinely feel for people who are unable to walk away from people with undiagnosed BPD who are not in treatment for financial reasons or family ties. Its so tough, there are no winners as everyone is struggling but like everyone has said you can do no more than put yourself first, its hard to do as an empath (and a nurse