Alone and overwhelmed

[Hammerthyme]

Hi, I need help. I'm 54-year-old male married to a 44-year-old female. We've known each other a long time. During that time we both had separate lives raising families and going through life's traumas of divorce. I'm adopted and so have some childhood wounds and her childhood was rough as well and was compounded by her divorce and her subsequent short-lived abuse of relationship. So I knew we were flawed but I thought we wanted the same things going on into the later part of our lives. I just wasn't prepared to be the focus of her anger. Nor did I know that it was something more than that. She hasn't been diagnosed with BPD but when I look at all the traits I find it so hard not to believe that that is what she's suffering with. I love her, I want to stay with her, I want to love her and support her even with this mental health issue, but I don't want to be a doormat, a punching bag, isolated, and mercilessly harangued. I don't know what to do. I am trying to understand who she is and I'm trying to practice how to mitigate everything but I find myself getting angrier and angrier because she is relentless. Relentless that I don't understand or I'm not supportive or I'm the problem and she refuses to look at herself and say I could be the problem too. I know I need a support network and I'm trying to build that here as well I'll be getting counseling but it's hard to hold a line against something so relentless. So that's why I'm here.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[thankful person]

Hammerthyme, welcome to the family. We can all relate to your struggles and sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time in your relationship. The good news is that there are things that you have the power to change, that can improve your relationship and even create a calmer more sane partner. I thought there was nothing I could do, but discovered that actually I was making things worse by the way I handled things and I was able to change that for the better, even with my wife denying she has a problem, or that her behaviour needs to improve. Read everything you can on here. The more you share, the more people can help you with specific issues. Most of us highly recommend the book, “Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist”. I got it as an audiobook to listen to in my car which I listened to on repeat for a couple of years. It was life-changing for me. Good luck with your journey.