My fiance

[Jkush]

Hi

I have been with a beautiful, intelligent woman who has a duel diagnosis of BPD and Bipolar disorder for the past 7 years. I came to this site to get support and try to find ways to improve our situation. We have dealt with her anger and BPD pretty much from the beginning. At this point, I’m not sure what to do. In the early years of our relationship, she had 3 separate occasions in which she emotionally cheated on me by getting very close to someone and made them think she was going to essentially leave me for them and play them for their attention. In 2020, she finally started to take actions to work on her mental health by going to treatment and starting an antipsychotic called Saphris (which from my understanding mostly treats Bipolar disorder). Things were fine for a while once she came back from rehab. She stayed consistent with her medication and while she would fly off the handle emotionally occasionally, we had stability. The past year, things took a turn for the worse. I was very much so going through my own issues in life due to the stress of starting a highly regulated business and stopped giving her the same amount of attention I normally showed her. I also made the mistake of focusing too heavily on the side effects of her medication, seeing them as a problem.

The past month has been absolute hell. She started another affair with a guy she works with, giving him attention and making him think she was going to leave me for him. I know she loves me and only made that choice because of her BPD. But she did take it a step further by spending two nights at his house (without telling me) and apparently making out with him on a couch. Now, I know she didn’t have sex with him for a fact which is why I’ve been attempting to forgive her. But I’m just not sure how to handle this. She refuses to take responsibility for her actions and constantly finds a way to turn it around on me and make me feel like the bad guy. And when I originally found out, I was willing to forgive her. She said she wanted to be with me and that she’d cut it off, but of course she didn’t really do that, she kept playing this guy through flirty text messages and other promiscuous behavior. I have found out on 4 seperate occasions that she was continuing this relationship behind my back after finding out a month ago. Yet she still maintains that she wants only me and that he gives her attention that I guess I never gave her.

I just don’t know what to do. I love her so much, but she continues to hurt me. We had 5 good years where stuff like this didn’t happen. And I could forgive her again if she just started showing some amount of effort in trying to fix things with me. Granted, I’ve gotten controlling and a bit suspect every time she tries to hide a text message or her phone from me. But I feel that the only way I’ve been able to catch her in these instances was when I cornered her and got the truth out of her. At this point, she’s quit her job in an attempt to prove to me that she wants to be with me. But she’s shown me very little love and attention since all of this started. She almost seems to take a bit of satisfaction out of my torment, like she thinks she’s the hottest thing on earth and that it feels good that she has 2 men going after her. All I wanted tonight was to have a good night and watch a movie with her. But she hid her phone from me and barely pays any attention to me at all. How do I handle this without just leaving her? Or do I need to leave her for a bit to show her I’m not going to just be the punching bag?

At this point, I just don’t know what to do. I know a lot of this drama stems from her BPD, and that she does truly love me. But I can’t keep dealing with her treatment. She just finds ways to make me feel insecure and unloved like I’ve been the issue all along and that none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for me.

Should I stay her? I love her, and I don’t want to abandon her. But at this point, I feel worst than I’ve ever felt in my life. I just turned 30 years old, and I’m concerned that I’m making a bad decision that will continue to effect the rest of my life.

Sorry for the rant.

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[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome.  Sorry to hear about what you're going through.

A few questions...

It sounds like you have a boundary re: sex, but some level of tolerance re: emotional and limited physical infidelity.  i.e., you're prepared to accept that she has spent time with someone else, and kissed.  Does that sound fair? 

How do you know that they didn't have sex?  Since her relationship with him appears to be ongoing, I imagine that your mind is reeling trying to make sense of conflicting words and actions:  On one hand, she says that she wants you.  On the other hand, she continues to text the other guy...  Many of us have been there.

Clearly, you know that you need to do... something.  From your post, it seems like you're trying to figure out how to get through all this. Does that sound about right?

Here's the thing. No one can tell you what to do next.

That said, I'll offer a few things to keep in mind.

She's your fiance. She's said that she gets something from the other guy that she doesn't get from you. Are you prepared to go forward with marriage under these conditions?

I'm guessing you'll say no. So the question becomes, how to reestablish trust. This one is super tough, because right now, she's continuing to do things that violate trust.

I don't want to speculate, but it sounds like you may also be crossing a line if you're keeping tabs on texts that she didn't intend for you to see... 

Recovering from a situation like this requires openness and commitment from both parties, often with help from a talented couples therapist. Are both you open to trying something like that? It sounds like this may also be a challenge if she avoids accountability.

If the answer is: She's not going to take clear steps to repair your trust, then what?  Please give a lot of attention to this - what do you want?  What do you need?  And what are you prepared to do?

The fact, I've been there.  If you asked me what would happen if my partner cheated, I would have said it's game over.  However, when I discovered my ex-wife's affair, I did just the opposite: I turned myself inside out to try to figure out how to fix the situation. I was prepared to forgive. I went so far as to try to boost her up - "hey, good for you, you caught attention from a much younger guy" - I could go on.

Your situation is a lot like mine was, actually. My ex had no remorse, she turned the whole thing around at me. She said it was over, but I saw texts while her phone was on the charger in the kitchen...  she continued to make excuses to see the other guy with false assurances that nothing would happen. When I confronted her, rather than take any responsibility she became resentful that I was "spying" on her...  I would not be surprised if you're headed in this direction.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Even if you take BPD and bipolar out of the mix, these themes are very familiar in the infidelity playbook. You can read a lot about affairs, why they happen, and what to do...  the bottom line is:  Once this particular genie is out of the bottle, it's not going back in. 

Here's a litmus test:  What if you asked your fiance if she's interested in an ENM situation? That's Ethical Non-Monogamy.  It doesn't really matter if you're interested in this or not (I suspect not).  The point is to see what she says... 

If she says "no" - you have to ask yourself, why is ok for her to have an emotional and perhaps physical affair, but not ok for you? 

If she says "yes" - you have to ask yourself, is there a chance that she'll ever want a truly committed relationship, or are you heading into a marriage in which you may or may not know what she's doing on the side?

I know these aren't easy questions, but it seems like the most practical set of things to consider given where you're at. 

In my case, it took about 18 months for me to fully accept that my marriage was not really a marriage, that trust was gone and not coming back, and that divorce was not only necessary, it was preferable.

Hope this is helpful on some level.