Is BPD genetic?

[Distraughtmom]

Hi,
I am new here. I have two daughters who have both been diagnosed with BPD. My oldest daughter is 30 and blames me for all of it. She went no contact with me three years ago, via a text message. I was absolutely gutted by this. I began to question everything that had ever happened as my children were growing up.
My middle daughter is 29 and she also received this diagnosis a few years ago. She is struggling with it and I’m trying to be her support system that she needs, however I’m always her punching bag. I’m frequently told that I’m never there for her, have never been supportive in her life ect…I recently moved to be closer to her. Uprooted my whole life and career to be there for her. We live on the same acreage and I’ve been seeing her every day which should be great but it’s not. I see her highs and lows. Her extreme bad choices…it’s killing me. She isn’t consistent with her medication and is often talking about suicide.
I can’t help but wonder if genetics play a factor in this as I have two children with this condition. I feel like I’m losing myself in the process as I can never defend myself or talk to her when she has taken advantage of my kindness.
Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

Please don't blame yourself. There is a genetic component to BPD but it's more complex than a single gene and as far as I know, there isn't one identified. It is more frequent in families but there isn't a definite pattern to it. To have two dauhters with BPD seems more like the roll of the genetic dice. We have no control over what genes we have or pass on.

Also, BPD was not known until recently and also, mental health wasn't discussed, so if there were relatives in past generations with BPD, we may not know about it. And- not everyone with BPD gets formally diagnosed.

While there is a genetic component to BPD, there is often a history of trauma- and it's the two combined that may lead to BPD. With two daughters- I wonder if there was some sort of family trauma that made them vulnerable to BPD. This isn't to blame you- you are not the cause of BPD. But perhaps there may have been the loss of a family member or some other stressor that added to their being prone to BPD?

Your task though - no matter how this happened- is to take care of yourself, and be kind to yourself. Nobody can control what genetics someone gets and neither can anyone control all the stressors. Your first step for self care- don't blame yourself, and treat yourself kindly.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the family!

As Wendy said, there are signs that BPD is genetic- I see it in three or four generations on my ex wife's side.  But it's not proven either and since it's relatively new, we don't know about previous generations.  Maybe there was a diagnosis of OCD, bipolar, PTSD, or depression instead.

If you're seeing the patterns, then there's a chance it can be there.

However, let's quickly touch on the other side of the coin as well- you're not what your daughters are blaming you for.  Their thinking is disordered at times and it's a common BPD trait to strike out at those you're closest to.  After all, if it's "your fault" in their minds then it isn't their fault...it's much easier to blame someone else than it is to take accountability.

[CC43]

Hi there,

It may be that some personality traits are partially heritable.  For example, many people in my family tend to have personalities that are introverted, serious and conscientious.  Even so, everyone's on a spectrum.  Once I joked that the people in my family who liked chocolate also relished staying home, whereas the people who like vanilla prefer travel, and so the flavor detection genes must be next to the travel genes.  Yet there's so much range and variation in people's personalities that I think it's almost impossible to separate nature from nurture, destiny from luck.  Some afflictions like cancer or high blood pressure might work the same way:  the genes can create a proclivity for a certain disease, but environmental factors are surely at play, too.  And in my opinion, there's a hefty dose of luck.

It may be that your daughter is wired to be especially sensitive, as many people with BPD seem to be.  With that sensitivity, she can be very attuned to emotions, and to how people relate to her.  But she also might have a tendency to feel too much, in the sense that what would feel like a minor scrape to you or me would feel like a deep gash to her.  We'll slap on a Band-aid and get on with our business, whereas she'll go on bleeding for days.  Worse, she'll pick at a scab obsessively and re-open old wounds.  And guess what?  It's impossible to go through life without getting cut up once and a while, no matter how much you try to shield your daughter from distress.  That's why, even if you moved in with her and took care of all her needs, she'd still have meltdowns.  Do you think your daughter has a negative attitude?  Is she overly anxious?  Is she neurotic at times?  I think that BPD might have roots in a personality that is especially sensitive, anxious and obsessive.  She often feels overwhelmed by the world, and it's not only exhausting, it's downright painful.  I think she perceives the world as a never-ending series of traumas.  Her typical responses are trauma responses:  fight or flight.  Does she fight with you and then cut you off?  That's classic fight and flight in my opinion.  She's not really coping, she's fighting or fleeing!

One of the key takeaways from this website is that you are NOT to blame.  If your adult kid is blaming you for all her problems, that's just a coping tactic, a distraction from what's really going on.  I'd say that if you want to understand what's bugging your kid, don't listen to the outrageous accusations, listen for the feelings instead.  If she says you're never there for her, maybe she's feeling lonely, lamenting why she doesn't have close friends or a romantic interest, or why nobody seems to like her.  If she's saying that she doesn't want to live anymore, maybe she's feeling depressed, hopeless and scared.  If she's raging, she could be feeling angry that something didn't turn out how she wanted, and she's taking it out on you.  If she's saying, "I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want," she might feel inferior, childish or impatient, unable to cope in an adult's world, or scared about the future.  Her emotions could be so overwhelming and confusing, that she doesn't really know what's bugging her, but she's unleashing the pain and frustration onto you, because if she didn't, her emotions would be eating her alive.  I'd say, don't take it personally.  It's BPD, not you.

Look, I know you don't want to see your daughter struggle so much.  But keep in mind, you're no good to your daughter if her choices and acting out make you a basket case.  Try not to get sucked into her emotional turmoil.  Misery doesn't love company, misery loves miserable company--she wants to offload some of her misery onto you.  You don't have to let her.  When she's unhinged, she's on an emotional roller coaster.  You can decide not to ride the roller coaster alongside her.  In fact, you can take a time out, and in the process, model for her what emotional control looks like.  Above all, resist the urge to JADE, which stands for justify, argue, defend or explain.  When you JADE, you're using logic, but when your daughter is unhinged, she is all emotion, and she can't process logic.  In fact, logic feels invalidating to her.  So I'd say, don't use it.  Instead, you can try to gray rock:  be as boring and still as a gray rock.  Maybe she'll see her behavior isn't having the desired effect on you (to rile you up or get a concession out of you), and she'll calm down.  Eventually.

[kells76]

Hello Distraughtmom and another welcome from me 

Two kids with BPD traits is a lot to cope with -- we're so glad you reached out for help and understanding. You mention supporting your D29; do you have support for yourself? Any counselor or therapist? If you're in a relationship, is your partner/spouse supportive? These are hard family challenges to face alone.

I can’t help but wonder if genetics play a factor in this as I have two children with this condition.

Every parent coming here wonders the same thing -- you are not alone.

If you have a chance to look through our parent resource links, I'd encourage you to do that, especially our link on "Did I cause this?". It's important enough to post the whole thing here:

DID I CAUSE MY CHILD TO HAVE BPD? AM I AT FAULT?

The research literature and training materials for mental health professionals make references to the purported incidence of abuse—intentional or inadvertent—occurring among people diagnosed with BPD. It is very hard to sit face to face with medical professionals and wonder what they are thinking about you or your family, just as it is hard for clinicians to face people who may well have contributed to distress in their patient. And this question often looms with family, co-workers, and friends as well.

In a study conducted by Marijn A Distel, PhD.of 5,496 twin siblings*, 42% of the people with BPD were reared in the same environment as siblings without the disorder. This suggests a genetic predisposition for BPD.

So is it possible that your parenting style was ineffective or damaging enough to lead to the manipulation, fears of abandonment, self-mutilation, or attempted suicides?

Most clinicans will tell a concerned caregiver that "no, you are not the cause of the illness" and "yes, you likely did things that were harmful to a child with a BPD predisposition".

It's a complex answer.

What is not complex is that our child is truly struggling and as their parents, if we don't try to help, no one else will. Dixianne Penney, Dr.P.H says, "right now it is difficult to do what you must do and that is, to put your own feelings aside and focus on getting the help needed and providing the support the person with BPD requires."

What role we had in this could be anything from spilling some of our "grown-up" adult struggles onto our child, to simply not knowing that we had a special needs kid - and everything in-between.

Part of helping them and helping the family is to learn what it is that we did or didn't do, being willing to admit it, and being open to changing our approach to the relationship for the betterment of all.

That is what we are all here to do. To take an honest and hard look at everything and find out how to make things better.

Another reputable site for research and support is the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder; their overview section also addresses your question:

Research on the causes and risk factors for BPD is still in its early stages. However, scientists generally agree that genetic and environmental influences are likely to be involved.

Certain events during childhood may also play a role in the development of the disorder, such as those involving emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Loss, neglect and bullying may also contribute. The current theory is that some people are more likely to develop BPD due to their biology or genetics and harmful childhood experiences can further increase the risk.

...

Do you have other children?

[perjeta]

Hi.
I have come to believe that it is, and also probably has an environmental factor  to a degree, depending on circumstances.

My mother was diagnosed BPD and she had several cousins who like her and very difficult to get along with. Her siblings (4 of them) were all very kind and pleasant people. My daughter shows the characteristics though has never admitted a diagnosis to me, but is on many meds and sees a psychiatrist regularly. My grand daughter, her daughter, has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and later BPD. Her other two children have not. My sister also has characteristics of a PD with narcissism as well.

Please don't blame yourself. They are adults and this is now up to each of them to deal with their issues. Having knowledge about the disorder helps us to understand. I know this is a loss and a stress for you. Above all look after yourself and let go of any guilt. No parent is perfect but not all children develop PDs.

[perjeta]

I should add that I have 3 other children, boys, which do not have a PD. It seems to be mainly the females in our family.