does she dislike me or is her guard up? - please help

[stevemcduck]

I want to thank everyone that has helped me on this board. I really saw her true colours today and I just want to let you all know......its over

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

what happened?

[stevemcduck]

after her giving me messages for the last month or so and making make around 3-6 hours for a reply the whole time, she needed money and was rapid texting and I felt used, and I indirectly called it out about her being available when she needed money. she needed cab money from the airport to her home after her surgery, the conversation went like this -

her-  We're just on our way there, we're in the car xx
me - ok let me know when you get safe back to your nanny's, shall we have a catchup FaceTime tonight? Xx
her - Yeah that sounds good, I should be home by around 6:30- 7 all going well xx
her - Would you mind helping me out with an uber? All I have is left over is in cash but the taxis are way more expensive xx
me - Yeah I'm willing to help you out. Would you be wining to help me by setting some dates for your visit and our vacation tonight? I'm got a busy schedule over the next month and need to plan xx
her - Yeah that sounds good, they're gonna take a couple months to settle in so we're looking at august/ September xx
me -  So I'm not gonna see you for 3-4 months? Xx
her - I meant for the holiday xx
me -: Oh ok, was gonna say I can't wait that long like

[stevemcduck]

[09/05/2025, 11:29:12] me: Oh ok, was gonna say I can't wait that long like

[stevemcduck]

[09/05/2025, 11:29:12] me: Oh ok, was gonna say I can't wait that long like

[stevemcduck]

me: Oh ok, was gonna say I can't wait that long like

[stevemcduck]

why can I only post one line

[stevemcduck]

me: Oh ok, was gonna say I can't wait that long like

[stevemcduck]

basically I said I love how we are connecting and talking a lot, she then said I was manipulating her and playing mind games, etc, saying nasty things even though I sent the money, I told her " I sent the money, I have never felt so pushed away, take care" that was me done at that point, then I got a load of abuse and told we shouldn't talk anymore, I didn't reply and won't

[once removed]

smd, i can hear your frustration. its an unwinnable situation.

I didn't reply and won't

thats probably for the best right now. some space and cooling off is always best when emotions are high.

ive caught up with the thread, and i gather theyve been high for some time.

clearly, she is in a mental health crisis. shes emotionally checked out of the relationship due to that. it hasnt been easy for you. youve let her know that. fair.

at some point, though, this became a power struggle, and the two of you are going back and forth, pushing each others buttons, at your wits ends.

neither of you can hear each other through your own pain - and the pain is just piling up on top of itself.

when that happens, somethings gotta give. what that something is, in this case, isnt clear, and ultimately up to you. but the situation, as is, is unsustainable, and is just resulting in more frustration, more hurt, with no sign of resolution.

try to set your frustration and anger aside for just a moment. deep down, what do you really want to see happen here? are you done - is the relationship done? is it too far gone, but too difficult to walk away from? or do you still want to make this work?

[stevemcduck]

I love her, I really do, she has given me the bet 5 years of my life. but I am becoming at peace with the fact what I fell in love with didn't exist and the chance of a real lasting relationship long term is slim. I dont think she will ever get in touch with me to be honest, I don't trust her either.

also she is incredibly beautiful, she really is a head turner, no man could resist her, she is 15/10 hot. she can get any guy she wants so I dont think she will ever contact me again. she has no need for me anymore.

im feeling a lot of relief to not be sitting by the phone waiting for the breadcrumb. half of me want her back but the other half just wants peace.

I really dont know, my mind is a total mess

[once removed]

I really dont know, my mind is a total mess

thats okay.

its a messy situation. lets try to unmess it a little at a time.

I don't trust her either.

why not?

[stevemcduck]

thats okay.

its a messy situation. lets try to unmess it a little at a time.

why not?

since I caught her lying about selling the underwear online I have been paranoid about so many other things. but im confused as to whether its paranoia or my gut feel. im starting to think she wants to enter the adult industry and that's why she wants the breast surgery. also she works as admin for a company that manages only fans accounts and was getting very close to the owner of the company, I think she is being groomed as she gets showered with praise and has been give lots of promotions very quickly. I also have a gut feel my replacement is in the picture before she left

[EyesUp]

I once read:  For almost every every insanely attractive person, there's at least one ex that doesn't want to deal with their sh*t anymore...

Be that ex.

It will take time, but you can get there. A key part of the journey is listening to your gut, and your recent posts indicate that you're opening up to yourself more than when you first posted. 

Listen to that inner voice that's focused on you rather than your ex.

Rumination can be tough for any of us, but the good news is that there's a recipe to get through it:

- see a therapist
- go to the gym / be active
- eat right (not too much/too little, focus on nutrition)
- (re)connect with friends and family

What are your plans for the weekend?  Do something for yourself...

[stevemcduck]

thanks eyesup

yes I am doing everything on the recipe list.

ive been spiralling mentally today, it feels like an addiction. ive got my kids this weekend so its hard as one has autism so I am battling through the best I can. im feeling very depressed.

this was our last contact conversation even thuogh I sent her the money she needed

me: I’ve sent it. I’ve never felt so pushed away. Take care
her: Are you surprised you get push back when all I asked for was a favour and I’m being met with mind games from you?
her: Like what do you actually expect?
her: How do you think I feel my own “boyfriend” is pussyfooting around simply helping me out when I ask?
her: After this I don’t think we should talk anymore, I’m literally on my last straw with it all. I’ll send it back when I can go to the bank. Like you tell me you want to work on things and reassure me about stuff but god forbid I ask for a favour when you specifically said I could and I get this in return, just completely unnecessary. You’ve upset me for the last time

[stevemcduck]

disgusting I know but I still feel compelled to get her back, ive been thinking of sending this -

Hi, I hope you are feeling ok and settled. I think yesterday was a big misunderstanding and I apologise for any error on my part. I’m not suggesting we talk regularly again, would you be open to opening up dialogue again in one month’s time once we have had time to process and both be in a better state mentally? I would hate for this to be our new permanent reality, I love you more than anything


I feel weak, I dont know why im compelled to do this

[once removed]

im feeling very depressed.
...
I still feel compelled to get her back, ive been thinking of sending this -
...
I feel weak, I dont know why im compelled to do this

i think it would be a good idea, for right now, to hold off on any action.

your nervous system is running the show here. youre over-correcting in both directions.

lets get centered before we make any moves. let her calm down, let you calm down, and then lets get in touch with values-based actions to proceed with.

what do you think?

[stevemcduck]

thank you onceremoved,

that was a very calming and de escalating post, I needed to hear that, would you suggest I wait a week and see how my feelings are then?

[stevemcduck]

do you think from her message she means it that she doest want to talk again? I didn't really do anything wrong, I just highlighted she is more responsive when she needed a favour, I can see why she got mad I exposed bad behaviour

[once removed]

im glad it helped. calm, centered, values based action is the goal. lets keep at it.

would you suggest I wait a week and see how my feelings are then?

i would suggest getting regulated (centered) before doing anything. whether thats a week or a day, or a month.

do you think from her message she means it that she doest want to talk again? I didn't really do anything wrong, I just highlighted she is more responsive when she needed a favour, I can see why she got mad I exposed bad behaviour

smd, i suspect that her own perspective would sharply differ from this. i think thats the heart of the issue here.

communication has broken down. trust is shattered. youre both at your wits end. in a time like that, everything that either of you say will generally only make things worse, because neither of you are hearing, or able to hear the other, through your own hurt and anger.

youre understandably anxious about whether or not she will talk to you again, because you love her, and even though this feels impossible, you just want things to be okay. youre not done; youre hurt, and youre primed for combat. it is hard to think straight in that environment; ive been there.

but you dont want to over-correct right now either. if you send an apologetic message (that youre not sure at the moment you mean), not only will it not be heard (its a 180), but in her own anger, she will probably tell you to stuff it. the best move you can make in a time like this is not to self destruct, or to fuel the fire.

lets work through the big picture issues, the distrust, and see if we can untangle that. it will help give you a better sense of how to navigate this.

[stevemcduck]

thank you so much for your support, I really am struggling mentally. I dont know what I would do without you guys, im so alone and in pain, thank you so so much

[once removed]

if youd like, lets talk about this, and the ongoing conflict. while getting centered is the immediate goal, theres a lot to think about, and think through.

since I caught her lying about selling the underwear online I have been paranoid about so many other things. but im confused as to whether its paranoia or my gut feel. im starting to think she wants to enter the adult industry and that's why she wants the breast surgery. also she works as admin for a company that manages only fans accounts and was getting very close to the owner of the company, I think she is being groomed as she gets showered with praise and has been give lots of promotions very quickly. I also have a gut feel my replacement is in the picture before she left

it was a clothing business and I found out she was selling used underwear and pictures to make it look like the business was doing well. she was very ashamed of the business not working so I think she did this to make it look like it was working.

this part - the selling used underwear isnt clear to me. can you clarify that first? whats the context here?

[stevemcduck]

the thing that started this whole problem was I saw raunchy pictures and videos on her iPad. they were like the kind of things she used to send me in the early days, I thought she was sending them to another guy. when I confronted her about it she said she was selling used underwear on a website and they were advertising media to sell them and she was talking directly to the guys that were buying them. but looking back I dont know if I believe what she was saying, maybe that was a cover story and she was sending to other guys. she started opening a lot of time in the bath so I thought it was then she was talking to him. one time she was in the bath and I could see she was online on WhatsApp. each time a approached the bathroom door it went offline. as if she was going off the app as I approached. however she always left the door unlocked so that makes me think she wasn't. however one time I opened the door and she seemed to have quickly switch to tik Tok so I wasn't sure. I didn't confront her about it as things were already tense as I was paranoid about everything after finding the pictures

[once removed]

there are three things that stand out to me here.

1. her looks are a point of both security, and insecurity for you.

on one hand, its nice to have a hottie for a girlfriend. it feels good to have that attention on you. on the other hand, you want to protect it. you feel threatened by the stuff youve seen, and youre scanning for signs of either commitment, or straying.

2. thats all really part of a bigger problem: youre in a long distance, and somewhat ambiguous relationship. that can be destabilizing, and create insecurity, and inconsistency. worse, it sounds like there has been lots of making up and breaking up.

so naturally your mind wanders, gets "paranoid". wants signs of consistency and security.

3. the two of you do not agree on the pacing of this relationship, or what you want the relationship to be.

you see signs of wavering commitment from her. fewer pet names. shes busy with her business, youre unsure about who shes associating with.

so, again, youre pushing for security. you want her to take steps to secure the relationship. you dont want the uncertainty.

in doing that, she feels pressured - it pushes her away. you take steps to back off (probably to a greater degree than shes asking for). she doesnt like that either.

its like a great big game of tug of war.

what do you think? does that sound like an accurate/fair description of the conflict here?

[stevemcduck]

yes that seems accurate, to me, with a few things to mention

her looks were never a insecurity before, throughout our relationship I was always secure, she made me feel that way, when that shifted it was because I found out about a lie. and then even more so when I started learning about bpd and the possible promiscuous nature.

yes the long distance is now a huge problem for my security level

yes I do feel she is pulling away and im trying to achieve more certainty, that is my hang up as I have anxiety about uncertainty in anything I care about.

yes you are correct, anytime a mention not keeping in contact she has said not lets keep in contact, until this last time she has said she wants no contact, that is what has scared me, this feels different, maybe I pushed her away for good.

but I also worry that in keeping minimal contact with me without any affection, she is keeping me around as a backup option, maybe I am being paranoid but its how it feels to me

[RedBeard93]

Hey Stevemcduck,

Was just reading your last few posts and something reminding me of something that happened to me with my ex the last time we broke up back in 2021.

She asked me for a favor, to take an amount of money from our joint account for a night out. I replied saying yes of course and in the same message poured my feelings out and asked to talk.

She then responded by saying that I was bombarding her and by doing that almost proved to her that I wasn't ready to talk about anything.

It's really hard for me at the moment to stay centered as once removed suggests but I think they're bang on the money.

It's really important to remain strong, look after ourselves and push on with our lives as best we can whilst contacting them only if necessary and not to pour feelings out etc

I really feel for you as I'm going through something similar.

We're in this together man. Here if you need to vent.

[once removed]

id agree with all of that, too.

there are some real things to think about here. the anxiety, nervousness, insecurity, whatever one wants to call it, is valid in a non-secure situation.

long distance relationships can be problematic in that they contribute to both parties growing apart, even when they dont want to. because they have different routines, different lifestyles, different social circles. its really hard to remain connected even when both people share the goal, and are deliberate and intentional about it.

so there may be some of that. it would explain why some of these things, her business dealings, the people shes surrounded by, would contribute to your feelings - it might feel foreign, or threatening.

at the same time, yes, some of your actions, while well intentioned, have been like gasoline on a fire. so have hers.

what is true about bpd is that they generally dont deal with anxiety or neediness very well. why? because they are pathologically needy people. one pathologically needy person in a relationship just doesnt leave much room in a relationship for two people.

and setting bpd aside, shes clearly going through some stuff. shes got the surgery. her business. pushing for security or reassurance in that sort of situation can feel like obligation, or pressure. i dont need to tell you that; shes said as much.

so at a certain point, if you (or the relationship in general) is a source of pressure, a person in her position might feel the need to cut off that source of pressure. men, often times, in our anxiety, can push women away. ive done it at a serial level  

i dont know if shes pushed away for good. she may be, not unlike you, a little all over the place right now, and shes just disconnecting from the stress. not responding, for now, gives her the opportunity to get back to baseline.

but the fact remains that a lot of damage has been done over time. it will take a lot to undo that - not just one message or even one conversation - and thats if the option is available.

which brings you to a crossroads. a decision point. one that we cant decide for you, but we can help.

you know her best. you know the relationship best. how damaged is it? can you foresee a situation in which you trust her? in which she trusts you?

do you trust (not necessarily as of today, but in general) that the relationship is a priority to her, or that youve drifted apart? is this a big rocky part in the road, with light at the end of the tunnel, or has the situation remained as it has because youve both avoided walking away from a dead relationship?

is this thing saveable? are you prepared to drill down and do what it will take to save it, if it is? or are you spent?

i dont know the answers to those questions. they are rhetorical. you dont have to know the answers either, at least not right this moment. theyre the focal point, though. the big picture part of all of this that you need to grapple with and reconcile.

it could be that youve both made mistakes, and have regrets, but that theres no going back. it could be that this was the ultimate stress test, and that with support, you could come back even stronger. but there are real hurdles here that dont necessarily have a quick fix, like the long distance.

I also worry that in keeping minimal contact with me without any affection, she is keeping me around as a backup option, maybe I am being paranoid but its how it feels to me

reality test this. does she need a backup option? if the relationship has a large amount of ongoing conflict in it, what incentive does she have to deal with that, just for the sake of keeping it as a backup option?

[stevemcduck]

Thanks redbeard, feel free to dm me and we can have a man to man about our issues.

And thank you Once removed. you are really helping me to stabilise and look at this situation objectively and with clarity. I appreciate you beyond measure.

Im unsure of the level of damage, everything that happed prior to her saying to stop talking seemed to have been accepted as we were looking to re connect, so the main thing is this situation that I called her out when asking for money, that is now the major sticking block, I think its possible to move past but this is the first time she has severed contact, there has been times in the past we argued and I suggested to not talk anymore and she always said she wanted to keep trying but this time she didn't, thats a first for us.

I think it is possible for us to trust each other again

I dont think our relationship was dead and we were scared to walk away.  and I think the relationship was a priority to her in a way but not to the same level as me. I have maybe been too pushy, but I struggle to put myself in her head, my idea of a relationship is to work on struggles together not run away. I see now I should have given more space and been cooler about everything but in my desperation, confusion and fear I was needing reassurance from her, which she did give but in a manner that I was unsure I believed, as she was acting very different that she ever did in the relationship so I felt like she wasn't being genuine, I didn't realise to the extent of her mental health issues until much later.

I can't speak for her, but from my point of view It is saveable, I am prepared to do what needs to be done. I need guidance. I would appreciate your help greatly, you seem very grounded and I need that right now.

The long distance is temporary, she had said she wanted to move back in with me at some point before she said not to talk to her.

I see what you mean about the backup option, something does feel off to me though, maybe she just didn't want to be nasty to me so kept me hanging, but maybe she did want to get back with me and ive messed it up.

based on what I have said here, what would you advise I do going forward?

thanks again, I can't thank you enough

[once removed]

so the main thing is this situation that I called her out when asking for money, that is now the major sticking block
...
I struggle to put myself in her head

try putting yourself in her head. what do you think about what she said about the money issue here:

me: I’ve sent it. I’ve never felt so pushed away. Take care
her: Are you surprised you get push back when all I asked for was a favour and I’m being met with mind games from you?
her: Like what do you actually expect?
her: How do you think I feel my own “boyfriend” is pussyfooting around simply helping me out when I ask?
her: After this I don’t think we should talk anymore, I’m literally on my last straw with it all. I’ll send it back when I can go to the bank. Like you tell me you want to work on things and reassure me about stuff but god forbid I ask for a favour when you specifically said I could and I get this in return, just completely unnecessary. You’ve upset me for the last time

[stevemcduck]

I think she just expected me to give her the £100 without question and immediately, there was no prior conversation about this.

she got angry as when were discussing it there were lot of rapid texts about it and I said this

me- I’m just trying to help you, I’ll bank transfer it if you would rather take the risk. By the way I like when we text and you are responsive like this, can we do more of that going forward? Xx
her: I’m usually working so I can’t guarantee that, I feel like there’s an underlying tone here
her: Don’t worry about it I’ll just figure something out myself x
me: I understand you feel there is an underlying tone but I’m just expressing I like when we talk like this, I’m sad you have stopped with the kisses on the messages and taken it this way I’m literally on my bank now to help you xx

her: Because I asked you for a simple favour as my boyfriend and I’m being met with unnecessary hurdles and sly disguised comments, I’ve been more responsive with you for days now when I’ve been awake, I know the way you weed around things, if it’s that much of a bother to you don’t worry about it