Finally Divorcing...After she got a DUI and I wouldn't pay for it.

[boundriesrus]

After months  and years of doing marriage counseling, telling her I no longer loved her romantically anymore and that we should get a separation, my wife has agreed to get a divorce. This came 5 days after my daughter and I went out of town for a family members Bday party, while she stayed behind to continue working on her graduate degree and catch up on some work. She decided during that time to go to the gym for 3 hours (which is perfectly fine, but also odd for someone who constantly complains about needing sleep and is exhausted from studying long hours working on her masters) work for a few hours, then drove 30 minutes away to meet up with a friend, of which whenever they get together, they always get smashed and end up driving back drunk. This night was no different...except when she drive home after having 3 Margs, she fell asleep at the wheel on the highway and smashed the side of the car on the Jersey Wall while going god knows how fast at the time. Thankfully she walked away and no one else was hurt. Cops came, gave her a field sobriety test and was arrested. I got the phone call the next morning at 7am and was very surprised to hear what had happened. While I was glad she didn't get hurt, she immediatly blamed the incident on the lack of sleep (told the neighbors who helped her get into our house she only had one glass of wine...which of course was not true, 3 Margs according to her friend she was with) and said there was damage to the car and that "We" were going to have to have that fixed as well as hire a lawyer. I do currently make more money than my wife given how i own a small business. After posting her bail and her getting back to the house, I told her when we got home, that we needed to discuss this, as I was of course glad she wasn't hurt and I didn't have to tell our daughter that her mom died in a car crash because she made a bad judgment call that night. This could affect her job (she's a teacher) she could loose her drivers license, and this is now the 3rd car I have gotten for her during our marriage that she has crashed/totaled as a result of bad judgement (first time from drinking though). I had a DUI about 20 years ago, so I am trying to be emphatic to the situation, but life for me was very different back then and I made sure to better my ways since then by drinking responsibly. I told her I was going to stay in the basement until I figured out what I wanted to say. A few days go by (and during this time she is amping up the Stepford wife act..which if you read my previous posts, my UD Wife with BPD, and how she has been acting since I wanted to call it quits almost 2 years ago.) she asks me to call my lawyer friends to get recommendations for her. I tell her she is an adult and can handle her own messes from now on. She says ok. Then she asks me some questions to ask the attorney, and how I wanted us to pay for this. I told her she still has her 401k in tact and she can take it out of that. I had liquidated all of mine the past few years dealing with "legal stuff" from a former life, of which is finally resolved and getting my money back. I told her this was her mess and that the money I was saving up to pay back my parents as well as pay off the credit card debt, was not going to be side tracked because of her "mess" ups. She said, well Maybe you are right from what you said a few years ago and that we should get divorced. We haven't been a couple in a long time anyways, I think it's starting to affect our daughter and marriage counseling made things worse. Again go back and read the previous posts where I get into all that mess. This was all said about 30 seconds before I was going to bring up divorce again and that this wasn't ever going to be repaired. We both agree that we will split custody of our daughter and that we will coparent together with her, just that she lives in two different houses now. I am currently drawing up the agreement terms for our lawyer to sign off on and then it should be simple, assuming she agrees to how assets are broken out and how that will all get handled. If she thinks she's going to take anything but a chunk of equity out of the house (which I am fine with), as well as her personal belongings and things she's bought over the years, she is not going to like my response. Any advice on how best to handle this?...

Also keep in mind, I had just found out the night before her DUI from my mother and sister that months before she had called them individually to tell them she was tracking my  "solo private time" via the router in our house whenever she was out of town, as well as "counting tissues" (which were actually for my sinus, but whatever) in the trash can in my office at home, telling them she thought I was gay because I hung out with my friend on Friday nights in the basement drinking and watching action movies and such, told them she thought I was anorexic because I lost a bunch of weight over the past 2 years to help with the PTSD symptoms, and by dieting and excreting regularly, and that I looked disgusting...meanwhile she has about 65 lbs above me right now and and has since lost 30lbs since I started buying crap snacks in the house and no late night munchies or unhealthy meals. She does not know that I know this yet. I was also told she had been calling up other friends of mine, and her family to tell them the same thing, ON TOP of telling them that I told our therapist that she tried to rape me (which she did, hence the sexual trauma portion of my PTSD) and that my therapist was putting bad ideas in my head and was manipulating me.

So...thoughts?

[ForeverDad]

My first thought was that she looks bad now with the DUI.  She has already been posing as a victim, that you were behaving worse than her, I suspect that soon she will amp up that strategy.

Maybe a divorce will happen but all too soon she'll try to put it off.  Maybe the divorce will be civil, but not likely.

However, you're in a stronger position now as regards custody and parenting.  Don't let that go, resist inclinations to "be fair", your children deserve to have as much time with you as possible.

To repeat, your stbEx will both demand and beg that she be in charge of custody and parenting.  Be firm in not caving to claims that you ought to be fair to her.  Yes, parenting time will be split between you and her.  But you know you are a responsible parent, the more overall responsible parent, especially in regards to driving with a child.

[Pook075]

If she thinks she's going to take anything but a chunk of equity out of the house (which I am fine with), as well as her personal belongings and things she's bought over the years, she is not going to like my response. Any advice on how best to handle this?...

I will be in the minority here when I say this, but I ultimately told my wife to take whatever she wanted.  Why?  Because like you, I started doing the math and wanted to make sure I got what was fair.  I had paid for this and that, she fell through on her promises for other things.  And that sort of consumed me for a time, making sure I came out "even" or even on top.

That doesn't happen in divorce though since everyone loses.  Does it really matter who gets the living room set or the 3rd vehicle?

My ex was also gearing up for a fight saying things like, "You just bought that mattress for $2k.  So that's 2k you're getting that I'm not getting."  And I was thinking, I bought the mattress when she came home for a night and complained about our old mattress.  I paid for that myself...now it's community property?  It's so easy to go sideways in that thinking. 

So I caught my breath and told her to take the bed, and anything else she wanted.  The only thing that was off limits was a few of my mom's personal items (very old plates, cheap art work, etc).

And with that, my wife didn't know what to do.  I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't beg.  I just wanted a divorce and I wanted it to be over.  She ended up barely taking anything and we divorced without lawyers involved.

Again, most will disagree with me...and you should listen to them.  My experience is not typical here, but I did want you to see that it's a possibility if you work with your wife and don't get too focused on "stuff".  Because the stuff just doesn't matter as much as we pretend it does.

[ForeverDad]

More or less, each state has it laws and policies.  Some are community property states, others aren't.

While you are concerned with an equitable division of property, I will mention the single most important item that ought to be your top concern.  (But don't share this with your stbEx or she will then know to sabotage that!)

I'm pointing out that while you may walk out without a wife, you will always be a father.  Your daughter needs you.  She may not even be in school yet, but you need to be in her life through elementary school, middle school, high school and for uncounted years into the future.

How does your state apportion custody and parenting?  Equal time?  Alternate weekends with dad?  You can't just assume it will go smoothly.  Almost surely your DUI stbEx will insist that as entitled mother she should make all the decisions (custody) and most of the parenting (parenting schedule).

Financial issues fade in priority as compared to your daughter becoming your focus.  You're the responsible parent.  You haven't wrecked multiple cars or gotten a DUI.  (For all you know she may end up having to get a breathalyzer test before driving with her child for the next year or two.  Ask your lawyer about that.)

Courts and social services are concerned most about children's safety... that they as minors aren't endangered or neglected.  Court won't care much about you or your wife since you're both adults.

[boundriesrus]

Thankfully where we live at now its an equitable division of assets given how I worked the entirety of our marriage and contributed the most financially as well as physically around the house, doing projects, painting rooms, assembling furniture, fixing and upgrading whatever, yard work, cooking meals for the week, making lunches for week as well, cleaning up around the house, laundry and helping take care of the kid. The few times during our marriage she did cook, she would usually cry during the process because it was "not enjoyable for her" as she would say, or she would order online food and have it delivered. She would never pick up the phone and order food, so if the online portal was down, the food was not ordered, because she would say she hated talking to people on the phone...except me...she would always want to be on the phone, even if I was just laying in bed watching TV when I was traveling for work for a night or two away.

Yes the most important thing here is being a father. I will always be there for my little girl and we have already agreed...thus far...that we will have shared custody, and split decisions and co-parenting.

Yes I thought the same thing when she agree that she wanted the divorce as she was feeling defeated and realized in that moment the entire  "case" she was building on me regarding my "personal time"  (never an affair, not physical not emotional, just "me" time, which was ironic anyways as she had sex toys hidden throughout her closet for years that she didn't think I knew about...nor did I care. Everyone has the right to their own bodies and so on.). In that moment she knew that I would legally win and would have decent grounds to show evidence that I needed full time custody of the kiddo. I am not assuming anything will go smoothly, however, seeing how her mother doesn't think she drinks at all, and her step mom being in cahoots with her in regards to sending in a previous version of the will of her father, leaving all assets to step mom and left my wife completely out of it, in order to "give it to her after the divorce and make sure she is covered. (mind you I do not have the rest of the puzzle pieces for that yet...but I know where to look and push, just can't do it now without raising suspicions that I know.) And in case Im wrong, it makes me look like the enemy and not my wife, so she can still save face with getting her inheritance when that old bat dies. She was the one with the hidden security camera in a hole of a cardboard box in my FIL office when we visited in Dec for the holidays.

My wife's main concern is not loosing contact with our daughter and she seems to be not wanting to fight about details. I told her yesterday I found a way to do this amicably online through a law firm I was about to hire, when she told me she didn't want to deal with the fighting about things. Split time with our daughter 50/50, she essentially lives in two different houses and we co parent her together better than our parents did for us. We are setting up a time to discuss with a therapist for our daughter to talk to and work out her feelings while we are doing the same in an ongoing manner. This is one of the first things I said in marriage counseling when we started that almost 2 years ago when stating intentions of being there " No matter what happens in here or what is said, we have to prioritize our daughters happiness and well being. Nothing else matters at that point other than her and to not PLEASE READ her up in the head like our parents did to us at that age. She's too unique, special and kind to let anything like that happen to her. I am drawing up details over the next few days, I have already told her I want to keep the house, once I figure out what my options are financially in regards to taxes, debts and how much more the mortgage is going to go up once I buy out her portion of the equity. Mind you I bought this house in 2020 during Covid and got under 3% APR. Just crazy times we are living in...in more ways that one...Here is to keeping my fingers crossed that we can do this quickly, easily and as cheap as humanly possible.

[ForeverDad]

I will always be there for my little girl and we have already agreed...thus far...that we will have shared custody, and split decisions and co-parenting.

My ex was never disgnosed to my knowledge and she was very entitled.  I had clues before our marriage imploded, such as she would disappear and I'd never see my child again, "Daddy doesn't love you but I do", etc.

Most here found out in the midst of separation/divorce that the disordered person's entitlement can surge when the emotions are high.  Not that it is the case for you, but it could become that.

For example, you believe it is roughly equal whereas an ex's interpretation of shared custody and co-parenting is she gets the last word and you only get whatever time she she lets you have.  With your start, let's hope that scenario is only a small potential.

But if you can't agree on the details, what if a judge decides?  If ex wants 99% and you want 50%, is there a risk the judge might split the difference and you end up with alternate weekends?

Knowing that often we don't often get what we seek, try to ask for extra.  (That is called negotiation, where you don't make your best offer at the start.)  It really does make a difference if you can seek (1) shared custody with you having Decision Making or Tie Breaker status and (2) aim for walking out with at least a slight majority of parenting time.  (Whoever have a majority time on the schedule is typically viewed as the Primary Parent.  Again, a phrase that could trigger your ex.)

Remember too that a specific house or apartment is not necessarily a home.  Home is where you live at any given time.  It is you (and your child) that make it a home.

[boundriesrus]

@ForeverDad, Thank you for the advice. I will still keep an eye on the situation and not let my guard down, until everything is legally finalized and she is in her new place. Thus far we have had some very cordial discussions regarding making it work for the kid and how best to coparent, more so just making sure we are on the same page. I keep reminding her that this can be done successfully, but it takes TWO to tango. She agreed.

My priority has been and always will be the care and safety of my daughter. I will always be her dad, no matter what. It stinks that her mother and I could not work it out, or that she can see the errors of her ways, and be able to admit when she is wrong, or in the very least admit the event even took place. This BPD thing truly is a spectral disorder, and while she may be on the very high functioning side of things, she still carries MANY of the attributes that go along with the disorder. Just not as frequent as others, since she seems to internalize her pain.

I will of course be keeping a very close eye on my daughter and her mood. She is actually going to start seeing a therapist this week to discuss some of the odd behaviors, like acting differently around her mother vs me (she knows I won't cave into her demands, like her mother, because her mother has issues with boundaries and doesn't want to risk someone she loves to be upset with her, due to her fear of rejection/abondment.

Still working up the settlement terms sheet as of course the accident report came back on sub x wife from when she ran into the jersey wall on the highway when she got her DUI. The car is now totaled and she is having to go shopping for a new one...one month away from having paid it off. Mind you this is also the car I gave her and went carless for 2 years, so she could get around, while I stayed on home and worked (we were broke for the last few years, just now coming out of it, but now thankfully I got my own car this past Xmas, and got something I wanted for a change. I can't help but feel sorry for her on this as I know she is very financially over extended and honestly I don't know how she will afford her own place. I know I will pay for everything regarding our daughter, especially for the next few years until she is able to transfer jobs and make a better salary. But alas, as my therapist reminds me...its not my problem, she is an adult and can figure out her won issues. Of which I agree.

Now just to figure out the last bit of details and hopefully I can get this legal stuff wrapped up by weeks end, so we can get paperwork drawn up and move this thing forward.

[ForeverDad]

Any settlement should be reasonable.  Don't feel guilted or obligated to offer more than what you can handle.  For example, some say we are approaching a recession, a depression or even monetary upheavals.  Don't promise the moon financially, for all you know you may face financial struggles again.  After all, even if you only obligate yourself to reasonable support now, later on you can always be more generous once you know you can do more.

Do not be surprised if a proposed settlement crashes and burns before it can be signed by a judge and entered into the system.  Many here found that our ex-spouses were too entitled to settle with reasonable terms early in a divorce.  Yes, settlements do happen but typically not soon.

[boundriesrus]

ForeverDad. Thank you again for the hopefully words. I had just sent over my terms sheet draft for the non contest divorce last Thursday. She hasn't said anything about it yet, but I am giving her the week to respond before I bring it up. Doesn't help she is sick and has no voice of course, but that seems to be standard MO every time she gets stressed, is getting sick and being down for the count for a week or so. I am reminding myself daily that she is an adult and can handle her own affairs and such, that I am not responsible for her actions or her problems. I made an offer, and that will be my final offer. I think its best at this point to negotiate with me vs having this put in front of a judge where she can loose a heck of a lot more than just alimony payments, given her current situation and how that will look in front of a judge. I know the disordered don't necessarily care, but this is the situation, right? Keeping fingers crossed.

[ForeverDad]

If you don't reach a settlement now, that's okay.  Once the divorce process kicks in there will be a temp order outlining the basic terms set by the court (hopefully with some input from you and your lawyer), parenting classes and then a long list of steps starting with - no surprise - mediation attempts.