Dealing with combative xBPD; tactics that work

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am betting there are many people out there that ultimately experienced a divorce from a BPD spouse with the following scenario:
1) the divorce has a shake-out period where interactions with the ex are neutral for awhile
2) life goes on, circumstances begin to change, the BPD starts creating more and more drama, and communication starts to break down
3) BPD escalates drama until there is open hostility, and nearly every interaction causes a fight

That describes where I am- this is Year 5 since my divorce, and I am co-parenting my children with a UxBPD. In the last 18 months the xBPD has gotten more and more combative, to the point communication is nearly impossible. Making things worse, the xBPD has started using aggressive and confrontational strategies like hiring a lawyer to write a letter calling me an atheist, and initiating a child abuse investigation against me based on no evidence but the desire to hurt me. She also recently called for an administrative review for child support, demanding payments despite the fact we co-parent, the shared parenting plan says no support will be requested by either party, and she makes more money than me. These are a few of the more obvious/painful things she has done lately, but there are innumerable examples over the years of how she has used our children in an attempt to undermine my relationship with them and directly hurt me. These actions are terrible all by themselves, but the passive-aggressive attempts to cause pain are only enhanced by the email interactions with her that are filled with lies, deception, repainting of the past, and un-directed anger. (I stopped allowing phone calls as communication long ago because without documentation the BPD can change any story after the fact)

My point in bringing up examples is to highlight the real problem: when interactions with an xBPD degrade to the point they become a real threat both legally and monetarily, that forces the NON to face a different kind of reality. I fully understand and support the notion expressed elsewhere on this site that BPD sufferers need love, understanding, etc. but when you are under direct attack there has to be proven tactics and strategies where NONs have prevailed. (and by "prevail" I mean were able to effectively stand their ground) I'd like to hear how people have worked their way back from a point of constant abuse, to a state where they have a positive outlook on life and are able to effectively deal with the constant drama a BPD generates.

As for my story, I always expected there to be a battle someday with the xBPD so I tried to employ the "documentation" approach from the very beginning. I have also attempted to establish boundaries around "one email, one topic" and to not move on to new topics until the current topic is decided. I've tried the BIFF approach to email communication, which seemed to have worked up until the last year or so. During the entire time of our divorce, the xBPD has run through a number of hoops in an attempt to control me, pretty much trying all aspects of the FOG to see which is the most effective. (I have to say that when you are new at this, they all work against you until you survive a few times!) As I noted above, the xBPD seems to be focused on escalation (i.e. accusing me of child abuse-- which I am relieved to say was found unsubstantiated by the local agency involved) and my attempts to use tactics noted in this site and elsewhere seem to be ineffective in deescalating.

I am curious to hear other people's story, and if they have managed to rise above the emotional quagmire the BPD is driving to create. When a BPD is verbally abusive, when they lie in correspondence, and confabulate other falsehoods all in an attempt to create FOG, is there another way to break through the onslaught? Or is it really just stay-the-course with BIFF, and boundary-setting, and be resigned to whatever outcome will happen?

[RiseAbove]

I am betting there are many people out there that ultimately experienced a divorce from a BPD spouse with the following scenario:
1) the divorce has a shake-out period where interactions with the ex are neutral for awhile
2) life goes on, circumstances begin to change, the BPD starts creating more and more drama, and communication starts to break down
3) BPD escalates drama until there is open hostility, and nearly every interaction causes a fight

That describes where I am- this is Year 5 since my divorce, and I am co-parenting my children with a UxBPD. In the last 18 months the xBPD has gotten more and more combative, to the point communication is nearly impossible. Making things worse, the xBPD has started using aggressive and confrontational strategies like hiring a lawyer to write a letter calling me an atheist, and initiating a child abuse investigation against me based on no evidence but the desire to hurt me. She also recently called for an administrative review for child support, demanding payments despite the fact we co-parent, the shared parenting plan says no support will be requested by either party, and she makes more money than me. These are a few of the more obvious/painful things she has done lately, but there are innumerable examples over the years of how she has used our children in an attempt to undermine my relationship with them and directly hurt me. These actions are terrible all by themselves, but the passive-aggressive attempts to cause pain are only enhanced by the email interactions with her that are filled with lies, deception, repainting of the past, and un-directed anger. (I stopped allowing phone calls as communication long ago because without documentation the BPD can change any story after the fact)

My point in bringing up examples is to highlight the real problem: when interactions with an xBPD degrade to the point they become a real threat both legally and monetarily, that forces the NON to face a different kind of reality. I fully understand and support the notion expressed elsewhere on this site that BPD sufferers need love, understanding, etc. but when you are under direct attack there has to be proven tactics and strategies where NONs have prevailed. (and by "prevail" I mean were able to effectively stand their ground) I'd like to hear how people have worked their way back from a point of constant abuse, to a state where they have a positive outlook on life and are able to effectively deal with the constant drama a BPD generates.

As for my story, I always expected there to be a battle someday with the xBPD so I tried to employ the "documentation" approach from the very beginning. I have also attempted to establish boundaries around "one email, one topic" and to not move on to new topics until the current topic is decided. I've tried the BIFF approach to email communication, which seemed to have worked up until the last year or so. During the entire time of our divorce, the xBPD has run through a number of hoops in an attempt to control me, pretty much trying all aspects of the FOG to see which is the most effective. (I have to say that when you are new at this, they all work against you until you survive a few times!) As I noted above, the xBPD seems to be focused on escalation (i.e. accusing me of child abuse-- which I am relieved to say was found unsubstantiated by the local agency involved) and my attempts to use tactics noted in this site and elsewhere seem to be ineffective in deescalating.

I am curious to hear other people's story, and if they have managed to rise above the emotional quagmire the BPD is driving to create. When a BPD is verbally abusive, when they lie in correspondence, and confabulate other falsehoods all in an attempt to create FOG, is there another way to break through the onslaught? Or is it really just stay-the-course with BIFF, and boundary-setting, and be resigned to whatever outcome will happen?

[Mutt]

Hi RiseAbove,



I'm sorry that you're going through this, I completely understand the challenges one faces when you're co parenting a high conflict personality. I like your username  

I can say it's pretty peaceful 4 years after the split, I don't co-parent, I parallel parent but I had a lot of the same conflict that you have in my marriage. I decided after the split to let her go and turn the focus on me so that I can be there for the kids emotionally and physically. Fighting with my ex wife is draining, the kids can sense how you feel.

I had to take control of my emotions and work on my triggers, I can't control how my ex wife acts or reacts. There are only two things that I can control my thoughs and feelings. BIFF works, you have to stick to it regardless if your ex has a tantrum, if she's emotionally dysregulated it's an uphill battle, it's not worth it. Wait until it passes, let her sooth herself, come back to the issue a day or two later when she's back to baseline.

Validate what is valid and depersonalize her behaviors. For example, my ex may have something going on in her life, she may try to over control to control her feelings, i don't validate that but usually there's something in her emails that I valid and I respond only to that, I only respond to the kids and nothing personal, I don't have to explain anything to anyone. It's been 5 years after the divorce? Conflict doesn't necessarily end when a marriage ends, you sound attached to your ex. With all this conflict and fighting i'd probably start with detachment. What do you think?

I just thought that I had suffered enough in the marriage and I wasn't going to have spoil my time with the kids because I feel terrible fighting with her. She's mentally ill, she can't change, I had to change, by changing how I respond to her it minimized the conflict. Similar to your username, take the high road or rise above it, it's not easy, I think that it takes, you just have to keep doing it everyday and it adds up, eventually you can get to a place where you're indifferent to her behaviors. It's an achievable goal.

[david]

My ex ran away in 2007. She filed for divorce a few months later. She then used various legal maneuvers to delay things. The divorce was final in late 2011.
I only communicate through email to eliminate false allegations as to what I said or did. I only am near her physically when picking up our two boys at her residence. I have a small audio recorder and a video camera with me whenever I will be near her. She knows it and has brought it up in court several times. I get yelled at by the judge and that is it. I can deal with that.
In the beginning I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. I tried defending myself/explaining myself/ etc. That didn't work. I then concentrated on emails that dealt with our two boys only and ignored the rest. My replies went down to about 4 or 5 a month from me and I was still getting 40 to 50 from ex. Eventually, about two or three years, her emails went down to 10 or 20 a month with me still replying to 4 or 5. In the last 6 to 10 months she has reduced her email to about 10 a month.
If I get a nasty email, they can be pages long, and there is one thing about the boys I will reply about that one thing and ignore the rest. 
People on this site used to say, "negative engagement is still engagement." It took me a while to get the full meaning of that statement.
I have been accused of all kinds of heinous things, threatened with legal action quite a few times, blah, blah, blah... .I don't react and nothing ever comes from it. I save all the emails just in case I need them.

[RiseAbove]

I appreciate both replies- some good things to think about. To Mutt's point, good lord I wish I was less attached. The problem stems from being active in the kids lives. Like Mutt I realized a few years ago that co-parenting was not going to work, and parallel-parenting was the only solution. I have tried to not get caught up in the emotional drama the xBPD brings to nearly every situation, but as I described it's one thing to attempt to ignore the insanity, and it's another to have a child services worker knock on your door. Moreover, standing up for the kids always generates conflict. So therein lies a major challenge: how to help my children while knowing that my ex is intentionally working at cross-purposes. (Here's a petty example but one of dozens: I volunteer coach my children in sports. My ex makes sure to skip practices, or show up late to games, and then complain that I get more time with the kids so it's her right to 'hold them back' She absolutely uses the kids as pawns to hurt me, so I'm forced to engage with her in order to stand up for my kids.

I'd appreciate a little more explanation about what it means to detach? I feel like I've been doing that, though results over time have been mixed. Are there examples of how you (or others) have created the separation even in the face of threats of lawsuits, child abuse, libel, slander, etc.? Taking the high road is my preferred route, but sometimes it looks like the xBPD has already blown the road to smithereens.

[david]

Our oldest was into karate when he was younger. Ex actually signed him up for it. I took him to every class when he was with me. Ex did in the beginning but then started missing a bunch. Son started to fall behind and wanted to quit. I emailed ex to ask her about it and what she thought could be done. She replied with q ramble and no solutions. I suggested that I pick him up at her place to take him to the class and would return him after. She refused since it was her custodial time. Son started to get disappointed. We talked about following through on things and he agreed but didn't like falling behind. We came to an agreement that once he acquired his junior black belt he could stop going. He stuck it out for about ten more months until he achieved his goal. He stopped after that. Although it wasn't the ideal solution we found a compromise. I had to accept the fact that ex wasn't going to cooperate.
We have two boys and they both witnessed the things both parents were doing. They realized I was looking out for their best interests. Ex has kids from her first marriage too. We get along. One hasn't spoken to his mom in years. He actually got married a few years ago. Ex still doesn't know he is married.
I think some of it depends on the age of the kids. As they got older, our boys started standing up for themselves. They pick their battles with their mom. It doesn't always work. Sadly, she is pushing them away like she did with the older ones.

[RiseAbove]

She refused since it was her custodial time.

Yea, I hear that excuse as the primary justification for a lot of my ex's behavior. She can never have enough time with the kids. I have joked with other people that even though she and I have shared parenting, she is fine with things being equal so long as she has more. It's so tiring having to fight for what has already been agreed upon. All the games the BPDs play, particularly the passive-aggressive ones that frankly you have to anticipate in order to prevent from happening. All I want is for things to be fair, and act according to what we agreed upon.

The whole "fear of abandonment" issue by BPDs I think is playing havoc on my xBPD's relationship with my children. Like a frantic mother hen, she seems focused on creating a fortress that no one else can penetrate when she is with the kids. Whenever I attend events with her, she is always sitting with her new H apart from everyone else, and she pulls the kids to her. You would expect at say, a sporting event, the kids that aren't playing the sport would be running around, talking to other kids etc. but my ex is always separating them out from their peers. It's probably mostly the O and G from FOG that she is using to control the kids, which at young ages seemingly gets confused for "Gee, mommy loves me soo much. I get to sit on her lap for the ENTIRE basketball game!"

I wonder if people have seen their children able to recognize the BPD behavior and just through social pressure/desire to part of their peer group choose against it (i.e. detach from the BPD because their need to have friends overpowers the FOG) or if it more likely that kids will likely stay in the FOG until much later in life, if not forever?

[david]

My ex had our youngest under her control much more than our older boy. When he was around 9 or 10 he started not getting invited to his friends. His friends told him that their parents didn't want him around after they met his mom. Those kinds of things just pushed them further from their mom. She can't see it or just denies it. I do worry sometimes but I also realize there isn't much I can do to "fix" her.
I noticed my ss's avoiding bringing their friends over but I just assumed, since they were in high school, it was just a phase. After she ran away my ss's, her kids from her first marriage, actually sat me down and told me they would understand if I divorced their mom. Kinda of threw me for a loop. Eventually I realized I was the only one that didn't see it or had blinders on. That was in 2007 or 2008.
What seems to have evolved is that the less and less I reacted to the crazy making the less ex tried it on me. Refusing to engage in the crazy prevented her from getting whatever she was getting before. At one point she tried to get me involved with issues at her residence with our boys. I said very little to her. We had court ordered co parent counseling and after three meetings the counselor told me he didn't see any point to it. He wrote a letter to the judge to end it. It was ordered for 10 months. Ex tried to drag me into parental issues at her place and I simply said I respected her decisions. When I tried to give my opinions or ideas she quickly ramped up to have a fight. I refused to get pulled into it. I wound up getting more time with our boys shortly after that. Parallel parenting is the only thing I found that worked. I was more concerned for our boys in the beginning because they were only 4 and 9. They are 18 and 13 now and pretty much found coping strategies when they are with her. My refusal to engage forced her to find other ways to get what she was looking for. I don't know what they are but she doesn't create the drama she used to with me or our boys.

[RiseAbove]

So much of what David is saying I can relate to-- and it seems like since more time has passed your efforts to disengage/ignore seem to be working. I am also getting the rambling emails-- the ones that constantly dredge up drama that only exists in the ex's mind but these are maybe 1x/week. I guess partly what David is saying is that there really is no point in addressing any of the outright lies, false accusations, threats, etc. bc the BPD won't listen or validate any of them? When I have tried to address them it is from a fact-based, "no, I don't see it that way, and this is what actually happened" and I intentionally don't make accusations or tell her how she should think or feel. Kinda like my rebuttal to the judge, which of course we aren't in trial (or at least not yet) but sometimes it feels like you have to set the record straight. Maybe, you don't, or trying so just makes things worse?

David, I'm curious if you had to deal with serious accusations (or at least serious-sounding) and/or letters from lawyers that are all based on lies? If so, did you just ignore those as well? One of the challenges I probably am dealing with is that all my life I have been trained to be proactive-- you deal with problems before they become major problems. That might be, well, a problem in dealing with BPDs because upon reflection, there will ALWAYS be new problems.

[david]

I had three protection orders filed against me during the first 4 years after separation.
The first one wanted me out of our house. It was a few weeks after she first ran away. The judge denied me being evicted but did give her a protection order that said I was not allowed to follow, stalk, or physically assault her. My first attorney said we won since I wasn't evicted. I asked about the protection order and her reply was, "did you ever follow... .?" My answer was no and she said don't do any of them for the year. The next day the police showed up at our house with ex. They told me I had ten minutes to vacate the premises. She convinced the police that the order did not need the judge's signature. I called my atty in the driveway, explained what was happening, and handed the phone to the officer. The officer talked to stbx and she simply said it was a misunderstanding.
The second one was after the first one lapsed. I forget the actual reason. I was having a problem then that ex would not let the boys have their school bags when I picked them up. I had no way of seeing what they were doing. My solution was to ask the judge to grant the protection order and also have me pick the boys up at their school instead of her residence. This way I was not anywhere near her so I couldn't threaten her in any way. The judge liked the idea. I had my atty write the order up right then and there. This way both parties and the judge could sign it in court. I didn't think ex would agree once we walked out of court and that would have cost more money to go back to court. I was learning how to play the game. A few days later I went to pick the boys up,at school. The school told me I was not allowed to pick them up without the mom's permission. I handed them a copy ofthe order. It was hand written and they questioned that. I told them it was a valid order and to fax it to their legal dept. They did and fifteen minutes later I was leaving with the boys. I also told them if they wanted a typed out version they needed to give me 50 dollars because that was what the court charged. They kept the handwritten copy for their records.
I don't remember what reason ex filed the third one. That was for a year also.
Ex then accused me of assault. I was arrested and found guilty of disorderly conduct. Went to jail for two weeks. Of course, I never touched her. I had to take a leave of absence and wait five years to expunge my record so I could get my teaching job back. I purchased an small audio recorder and a video camera when I got out of jail. I made sure ex knew I had them and never left home without them. I still have them. I am not allowed to record in my state and ex has brought that up in court several times since. I get yelled at by the judge but nothing else has happened. My new atty talked to me about it and said I could get in trouble if ex keeps bringing it up in court. I then decided to record myself whenever I am near ex. That may seem a little unusual built it is not illegal. My atty liked the idea and told me to continue. He said he could argue that in court.
Sometimes when ex gets triggered about something she will send an email to her atty asking to take me to court over something and she cc's the email to me. I have always ignored them and nothing has ever happened.

[david]

Ex gets triggered and it doesn't have to do with anything I've said or done. Something other than me triggers her and I think she uses me as her outlet even though I don't respond.  We only communicate through email to keep everything documented.
We went through equitable distribution back in 2010 or 2011. Ex claimed we had assets valued at 1.2 million. It wasn't even close. She further claimed that I stole everything out of our house and hand wrote 4 pages of items and their values. The fact is she literally emptied our house. I mean everything. The house had 47 electrical cover plates and she removed them all. I had to buy replacements so that is why I know how many. It takes quite a while to screw them all back in. The three toilet paper holders were removed. I mean everything. Fortunately she took pictures of her new place and posted them on facebook. I copied all the pictures and I could identify around 80 % of the items she claimed I stole. My atty had them all. I told my atty I would write the rebuttal to her claims. He wanted a copy at least a week before the conference. I basically agreed with her valuation and simply asked for my half in cash. He liked my rebuttal and didn't change a thing. The conference started with ex attacking me as physically, verbally, emotionally, and spiritually abusive. I stared at the wall and said nothing. That went on for a few minutes. Then her atty started making demands. My atty let her talk. After about 20 minutes it was our turn. My atty pulled out the four pages ex wrote and the pile of photos. He handed ex's atty a few photos. Ex's atty said she needed to talk to her client. They left and within 15 minutes we had a deal. It was the exact deal I wanted. Ex's atty did not want to go before a judge. The story is much longer and there are some other funny moments but that is the basic story.
Finding a solution without correcting ex and her delusions has worked the best for me. I believe that courts prefer problem solvers and don't want to accuse anyone of any kind of malfeasance. It's a game with it's own rules.

[RiseAbove]

Wow David, I am sorry to hear what you have had to deal with. The BPDs do such crazy sh!7 that I don't know how you can possibly anticipate it all. My xBPD has only occasionally tried to do the "this is my stuff" routine, acting like if you have an extra pair of the kids' shorts you have committed a felony. It seems like my xBPD's disorganization has been helping me avoid some of the dirtier stuff that yours has done, but it is <sadly> useful to hear the kinds of things BPDs are capable of.

It seems like BPDs definitely use anything written down as fuel for their insanity. The Shared Parenting Plan the ex and I wrote together was OK, but it had some (unfortunately only to be learned later) vague points that could be twisted by the BPD. I bet lots of people have learned the hard way that when you say "share expenses" to a BPD that includes every possible thing they might want to include-- I have seen the ex claim she wants me to pay 50% of a bottle of Aloe, and $1 for a calligraphy pen used at school. The pettiness is unreal, and yet they build an entire tower of garbage that makes them think they have an unassailable argument of how much a deadbeat you are.

Just this Friday my ex replied to my lawyer's letter about asking if she wants to mediate certain points so that we can resolve confusion around things like holiday scheduling (which are super fun triggers for bad behavior by BPDs). My ex's reply included the usual attempt at "splitting" trying to make my attorney believe the xBPD is a wonderful human being, and then claimed she was worried about if she continues to push me that my "retribution on the kids" would be terrible. The reality is that she continually uses the kids as pawns in an attempt to hurt me, mostly by cutting my time with them short (missing transition times, not bringing them to sports events, etc) or trying to win their love by unilaterally buying things that I am expected to pay half for. The xBPD's letter then rambled on in circles about wanting to keep the SPP the way it was, but changing parts of it to suit her own needs, but then not changing anything... .it would be comical if it was happening to someone else.

I haven't figured out what my reply is yet, and knowing that if/when I involve my attny it will be another $2-$500 to send a letter that falls on deaf ears. As you describe in your litany of protection orders, there is a number of things that the xBPD can do that are still mostly passive-aggressive but create huge headaches. I'm still wondering out loud what the most important steps are to protect yourself and the children from an xBPD that is motivated to make everyone suffer?

[david]

The more I became detached emotionally the better things became. Ex would have an extinction burst from time to time depending on the circumstances but eventually things settled to the way they are now. It started in 2007 and was difficult until sometime around 2010. By then I had started recording and that stopped her accusations. I discovered that I didn't need to reply to her emails. Over time I learned that I needed to reply to less and less. Usually the only thing I reply to is pick up times or times when she wants me to take the boys on her time.
We had a very vague court order in 2008. In late 2009 or early 2010 we we in court again. The judge decided that we each had two weeks to hand in what we wanted in the custody order. He said he would make a decision within the week after. I wrote 14 points. The first was that father have primary custody. That was ignored. The rest were very specific and addressed all the issues I was having prior to that time. The judge copied and pasted them and they are the majority of our current order. Ex wrote a two page rambling about how I was abusive and shouldn't see the boys at all. She didn't ask for anything about custody and so she got nothing.
A few times I had to "enforce" the order. Once I went to pick our youngest up. It was all spelled out in an email. Our order says all communication must be through an email. Both parents must agree in another email exchange otherwise it stays the way it was agreed to prior. I am supposed to call her cell and hang up when her voicemail turns on. The boys should come our within 5 minutes. This time I called and waited 15 minutes. I called again and waited another 15 minutes. I then called the police. One officer showed up and told me this was a civil matter and I needed to contact my attorney. Another officer arrived. I stayed in my car the entire time. I explained that I was concerned for everyone's safety and asked them to do a wellness check. They have to respond to that. Of course, I said it in a nice way. One officer walked towards her residence. He made one or two steps on her driveway, the door opened, and out came our youngest. He asked why the police were there and I explained that I called twice and no one answered or came out so I became concerned for him and his moms' safety. That made sense to him and that was the extent of our conversation about that. Ex never did that again since I had established a firm boundary. I was calm the entire time because I have become used to it.
Learning how to play the game takes time. You learn what police are required to do, what attorneys actually do, and what judges normally do. You use what you learn to promote your cause. I would have never acted the way I did back in 2007, 2008, 2009. I was too emotionally attached still and ex used that too her advantage. She would do something, I would get upset and not be able to think of a solution. When I started finding solutions that worked she became more emotional. Kind of like a two year old and a temper tantrum.

[RiseAbove]

I hope this isn't dredging up old wounds, David. I don't want to hurt anyone by asking for help/examples but I do have to say everything you are writing really is helpful. I don't have any examples in my circle of friends that have dealt with a BPD, nor do any of them have true 'horror stories' that show what a BPD is capable of. As you stated you are far more emotionally detached now, and some of that I bet is because you have been desensitized after the repeated abuse by your ex. For me, having a Child Services counselor show up at my door saying he was investigating allegations of child abuse was a shock-- it's so absurd I didn't ever put any thought into having something like that happen, or put preparation into defending myself. I am now much more aware, but at the same time becoming more 'resolved' to knowing that the BPD is going to do things that I ultimately can't stop. Like you said: "Learning how to play the game takes time. You learn what police are required to do, what attorneys actually do, and what judges normally do. You use what you learn to promote your cause." I have to admit I'm still a bit early in that learning process, so the things that you talk about are immensely helpful because it's learning I (and others) didn't have to spend $$ and time figuring out on our own.

I had to laugh a bit when you described picking up your kids--I know that one all too well. I have a Sat morning transition at 9.30a that seems to forever-and-always take the ex by surprise. "You're actually here? Hold on the kids are asleep. Or eating breakfast. Or whatever." So I wait on avg 15min or more until everyone comes out. Funnier yet, the ex almost always is carrying one of the kids' backpacks (things they can do for themselves) and she is always in pajamas. It's 40deg out and she comes traipsing out in a cami and boy shorts flaunting her silicone assets and botoxified face. For my part I never make eye contact or any attempt to even acknowledge her presence (I sit in the driver's seat and text friends until the kids are in the car)

The solutions you have found- definitely those come in part from experience. Were there any that you picked up other places, besides books like Stop Walking on Eggshells, etc.? I think the email interaction I have w the xBPD I can manage fairly well, but it's the legal threats that have me mostly concerned at this point. Unfortunately as men we are disadvantaged in these types of cases-- no one wants to believe the woman is the aggressor/abuser so the lies a female BPD tells can really put you in a bind.

[david]

I received a call from child protective services years ago. They wanted to talk to me and stop by the house. I told them that was fine but before they do let me read a few emails. I read a few over the phone with my responses. The woman listened and said nothing. I read about three and after I was done I offered to print them out so she could put it in her records. She said that was enough and was going to close the case. Never heard from them again. That was the only experience I had with them but I have heard some really horrible things that happen.
We have week on/week off schedule during the summer. The boys are never ready and have never been fed. That is since 2010. When she comes to pick them up she is usually late by at least 30 minutes. The boys actually did an over under bet a few years ago. Example, older son would say mom is going to be over 45 minutes late. The younger either agrees or makes his own time. I stayed out of it. Once she actually showed up 4 and a half hours late. She called about twenty minutes before arriving saying she was running a little late. I guess it is all in the interpretation.
My ex would show up at our older son's karate lessons in a tight red dress , heels, etc. I noticed quite a few parents there snicker or shake their head.
I look back at this stuff and usually laugh. I couldn't have done that ten years ago.
I went to a few meetings from an organization that helped people cope with a family member that was suffering from a mental illness. They are called NAMI. I read a bunch of books. I found this site. I tried a few therapists, I believe it was 4, until I found one I clicked with.
The therapist had me off center at first. We had gone through several custody evals in the beginning and I just didn't seem to get what was important and what was not. BY the fourth one I was no longer discombobulated like before. After a few meetings ex realized I wasn't as  off center as before and she lost it right there in the office. She actually threatened the evaluator with legal action and was going to get him put in jail. He handled her and I just sat there with no expression. Inside I felt like getting up and giving her a big hug. The game changed in a major way after that. The evaluator challenged me about a lot of things and I stood my ground when I thought that was the best for our boys and I was willing to compromise when I thought it wasn't a big deal. Our schedule is not the normal one around here and I was the one that made it. He spent quite a bit of time with me on that and I had an answer for every thing he brought up. By then I had a well thought out plan. He recommended exactly what I requested. The judge even questioned the schedule when I was on the stand. I basically said the same things to him as I said the the evaluator. Later, I wondered if the evaulator had written that stuff down for the judge and he was seeing if I was being honest.

[RiseAbove]

So much of what you write about I can relate to almost word-for-word. I'm sure people on this site for any length of time also start seeing the commonalities of BPD behaviors. Although when you are first starting out, you can't help but think you are the only one going through this, and how could anyone survive it. Later, you start seeing that practically everyone has the same stories. Here are a couple things I think are humorous/similar:

* Being late- in addition to the always unprepared at transition times, at least a few times a year I'll get a phone call like this: "hi. this is xBPD. we're on our way for transition today, but we're going to be late." Me- "how late?" xBPD- "well, we just left the Smithsonian museum in DC. Me- "you realize you're calling me at 2p now, transition is at 5p, and you have a 9hr drive yet to make?"

* Sexified Attention-  I'll always have an image of xBPD playing with my 2yr old at the church baseball field bending over w her hip-hugger jeans to the point her thong was sticking out 8" above her jeans-- the kids these days call that the whale-tail. Did I mention this behavior is at the church?

I do have concerns about finding a therapist, but it gives me some reassurance that you found one that seems to be helping. I have an appt on Tue next week with someone that my lawyer recommended. Hopefully this person can offer some practical advice in dealing (or not dealing) with the BPD shenanigans.

It does sound like you have had an unfortunate number of run-ins with the court? How often was it your ex dragging you in and forcing you to defend yourself, versus were there times you initiated the meetings? If you wouldn't mind, could you explain a little more about the evaluator and what that was about? I am expecting that at some point the accusations will become even more ridiculous to the point an evaluator will be assigned, so I think I need to understand that process a bit more and continue preparations for that day.

[insideout77]

David,
I must thank you personally for your very thoughtful posts. I read a post of yours about your 14 solutions this past summer while going through custody battle with xBPDw   for my 5 kids. I needed a holiday schedule for a complicated religious calendar and i looked everywhere online and reached out to numerous national agencies and no one had anything. So I sat down with a calendar and put a very creative one together basically divided the year in half and reversing it the following year so each parent would get roughly the same thing. It also needed to be very detailed b/c of the religious holiday and kids exchanges not being on the holiday itself. I labeled one option as Parent A and the other as Parent B. We said the exBPDw would pick which option she wanted.  My attorney presented it to Ex's attorney and she also showed it to the judge who thought it was great. This was long before a trial and the judge wasn't going to make a ruling on it yet, but by showing her approval to it and saying how innovative that was, she made it clear that she was leaning that way. Of-course Ex took another month to try to constantly suggest changes to it, but held my line and trust me it was well thought out.   she agreed and that is our exact schedule.  (its 5 pages in legalese... .).

Exw insisted on Co-parenting counseling. We said sure! but we put in that it had to be a specific person (the one who did our court mediation and is very close to the judges).  Ex made a meeting with her right away and has not rescheduled again since. I sat stoic the entire time while Exw melted down in front of the counselor and and the counselor just said "maam, you need to get the help you need, tears don't work" I had to hold in my smile and just nod :-)

I've taken your approach for many other things,  among them working on being detached. It helps me respond better and not get upset, almost let it all roll off my back and i often giggle when I see the latest drama she is up to. exBPDw is a professional victim and I'm impressed by how good a job she does at it. :-) often i think she should be nominated for an "Emmy" for creativity and acting.

I read a great book by Richard Skerritt on how to divorce the BPD/NPD and he is makes a very strong case that if there are kids involved you can not afford to be passive. You must get an attorney that "gets it" and after that you need to make a case the will expose the BPD to everyone else , ie all their monkey's. You have to make the Ex's attorney believe that you are really gonna fight the battle win or lose and your going to expose them as collateral damage regardless (its not winning your after , rather scaring) . Remember nothing scares the BPD more than being exposed for who they really are. Bottom line, his point is you have a tough time winning in court against them, b/c their master liar's,  but you "can" scare them enough to settle before court. make sure you have a good list of solutions that they can agree to to avoid court and go with the carrot and stick approach.  

To finalize:  my therapist used a good analogy. A BPD is a like a (border)Lion in a flimsy cage.

1. Run fast away as fast as your legs can carry you 2. (if you have kids) you must Crush the lion with overwhelming force. The way to crush them is at the own game, they expose their weakness's when they accuse you of crazy stuff, you have to threaten to do the same and mean it and have a serious plan.      Sadly if you just "poke" the lion with a Pole , it will get more and more mad and eventually bust the cage down and eat you for lunch. (the equivalent of standard attorney letters and playing "he said - she said"

Its a life-time battle, but you can overcome and win by first and foremost taking care of yourself, trusting yourself and enjoying every precious day of life.
  

[david]

I learned that when you go to court the judge doesn't want to make a decision by him/her self. They want the parents to do that. With BPD you can't so you have to make a detailed plan that the courts and any rational person would agree with. It puts the ball in BPD's court and gives them the choice to fight or agree. If they fight they will not win in court and show their true colors. If they have some rational thinking they realize they have to agree and do. My ex tests the boundaries (court order) from time to time and I enforce them when she does. I pick my battles on that.
Example, our summer schedule is week on/ week off and the parent getting the boys picks them up. We have a 15 minute window for pick up times. Ex, in the last three years, has only picked them up once within that window. Once she was actually 4 hours late and called around 20 minutes before showing up. She left a voicemail saying she was running a little late. I never made it an issue. I have even taken the boys with me somewhere and sent an email saying they were at such and such a place and for her to go there to pick then up. I only did that when I had an appointment. If I have nothing planned I stay at home with them. The boys have talked about it and it is backfiring on her and her relationship with the boys. They view her as unreliable and not to be trusted. It isn't the only thing she has done but it does all add up.

[RiseAbove]

I hate that I find myself agreeing with insideout77's assessment that BPDs are like lions in a cage. We need to find a more absurd animal though, more like a rabid squirrel that can't keep it's attention on any one thing, but attacks anything it sees.

My ex is now threatening mediation/court again, and I'm pretty sure I need to let her try. She fired her first attorney, and I'm guessing is pretending she is a lawyer because she knows how to call the courthouse and work the poor person on the end of the phone. I have at least trained her to only talk to me via email, so I can share her ramblings to my lawyer. Her communications are always filled with ultimatums, and threats, and everything she accuses me is true "wrath of God type stuff." I have to share this from the email I just got, after I took my kids to the dentist for their regular checkups:

"As I indicated in my previous email, since I was not informed of this visit, thereby not allowing me to attend, I can not agree to anything for potential future care needed.  It is important to note, in case we end up in court, that the children have to brush their teeth each morning and they have to brush their teeth, floss their teeth and gargle each night at my house.  On the contrary, it is documented that the children often inform me that they are never made to floss and gargle when at your house and they often go without even brushing their teeth (either morning or night) when under your care."

I'm pretty sure the SPP didn't mention gargling as a stipulation for proper parenting. <sigh> The fact that someone would even take the time to write such nonsense (thereby actually saying it out loud) is just mind boggling. I don't think I'm at the point where I can giggle yet like insideout77, but someday I sure hope to.

David- it really is helpful to read your experiences. I feel terrible you have so many of them, but it gives me strength and resolve to keep fighting
insideout77- if you have examples of how you really did expose your ex in ways that made them stop, I'd love to hear more of them.

[Inneedofhelp]

I have learned a great deal from all of your posts-thank you. I feel like I have been in this "battle" for years because my exwBPD (undiagnosed but all symptoms present) and I have been separated for almost 6 years but only until recently have I leaned more about BPD and am trying to take more definite steps to completely end the marriage, detach from his abuse and work on finally taking care of me. The complication comes that we have 2 children (8 and 12) and his rage (and obvious fear of abandonment) is so tied to his irrational idea that I am the threat to his relationship with our kids. I have NEVER done anything to come in the way of that-completely the opposite is that I have bent over backwards to allow him to be with them-to the point that I have allowed his abuse of me in the mean time. It doesn't seem possible to have him leave me alone and let me go to be peaceful and eventually happy, while trying to work with him to co-parent our kids. I dared to suggest to him that I can be civil, limit our interactions except when necessary for scheduling-he said he won't raise kids in that way. He thinks what he does-rage, blame, accuse and act inconsistent is a good way to model for our kids? It really is just about what he wants-it is not about what is best for our children. Can that ever change? I'm becoming hopeless and am having to start to think of more extreme measures of lawyers and law enforcement-but that's when the rage will explode.

[insideout77]

Although I went straight into a big court battle , ultimately it was the best thing for me bc the judge put up big walls that protect me. Set real boundaries , get a good lawyer and get on the offense to protect your kids. Do not be afraid of the crazy that will come when he feels the real abandonment as it will come anyway , on his terms!