Falsely accused Temporary Restraining Orders from BPD Wife

[mero]

Hello everyone!

I just received a falsely accused restraining order against me from my BPD wife. She is the one who creates chaos in the house however, she plays victim all the time. I am in shock to see how she could do it. The court doesn't need strong evidence or any incident to get it. She portrayed me as a monster and lied about everything. All made-up stories and some fake pictures.

Now I can meet my 2 kids. I am desperately missing them a lot, as I was very close to them. Very devastating moment of my life. I am working with a lawyer to get help to fight this falsely accused DVRO. But I am not sure if I got the right lawyer. If you have any recommendations for a lawyer for fighting DVRO, I am in Alameda County, can you please suggest one?

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you!!

[ForeverDad]

Many here, including myself, have "been there, experienced that".

Bill Eddy's www.HighConflictInstitute.com might still have a link to seek limited advice or even references to respected lawyers in your area whom you can interview or seek consultations.  One possible link there: www.highconflicttraining.com/consultation

Likely that initial court order is ex parte and based solely on her claims.  There should soon be a hearing where both parties appear and you with your lawyer can present your side.  Your lawyer will instruct you to let him do most of the talking.  He knows not to let you admit to any wrongdoing.  (We are inexperienced in legal controversies.)

If she made child abuse allegations that include endangerment or neglect, then children's agencies would become involved.  I recall in my first hearing that the CPS investigator stood up in court and stated that they had "No concerns" about me.  The magistrate then removed our preschooler from the order blocking contact and set up a parenting schedule for child exchanges.  (My ex still had her "protection" for a a few more months but frankly as long as I saw my child I was content to be apart from her and her nasty behavior.

... domestic or family court seems to be a place where serious mental health issues are studiously ignored.  It assumes or hopes the discord and conflict is the result of the separation and the heightened emotions will later settle down once the handles things.  However, as William Eddy (lawyer, mediator, and author*) noted, 10-15% of divorce cases involved acting out PDs such as NPD or BPD.

* William A. Eddy is author of "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder"

It appears your ex is not afraid to blatantly lie and he will not hesitate to make you appear worse than him.  Ponder that reality.  It may take time, but you need to accumulate facts and documentation to counter his claims and accusations.

Family courts don't try to "fix" people with issues.  (We do well to follow that example, especially since relationship partners seldom succeed when BPD or NPD is in the mix, even after years of trying.)  Court issues orders which are synonymous to what we with lesser Authority call Boundaries.  Likely you tried to set proper boundaries on your ex, but he ignored them.  That's typical with acting-out PDs.  Instead boundaries are for us.  That is, our boundaries are our response to poor behaviors.  See the boundary articles on our Tools & Skills workshops board.

Courts and children's agencies will view as more actionable any incidents of serious (1) endangerment or (2) neglect.

[ForeverDad]

Very likely your marriage is ending.  That's not what we desired, but that's a potential reality now that your spouse has shifting the discord into the legal system.

My marriage also abruptly ended once the police and courts got involved.  Even then I tried offering to reconcile but soon Accepted it was ended.  What was left was to split our assets and debts and resolve our different custody and parenting issues.

Around here it is not uncommon for a marriage (adult relationship) to end but fortunately your parenting continues.  That's what needs to be addressed.

You've tried for years to make the marriage work.  You are to be commended for your efforts.  But it was a constant uphill struggle, similar to Sisyphus mythology.  It failed because of the Borderline traits of Denial, Blaming and Blame Shifting.  It is a disorder most impacting relationships with close emotional contact.  She can't or won't truly listen to you because of the baggage she perceives of your past history.  And apparently she's not being honest with her therapists either and so that also isn't working.