been told that my attempts at expressing empathy need work.
this is a good goal. its something that i think you could say about anyone.
it is probably the #1 skill needed in a relationship. with someone with bpd traits, it really calls for next level empathy skills, whether the relationship is loving and harmonious, or totally adversarial. people with bpd traits tend to communicate their needs, but they tend to go about it in dysfunctional ways (eg lashing out when what they want is attention, or love, etc), and often, it involves a lot of reading between the distortions, the accusations, the kitchen sinking, whatever they may be, to get at the heart of what theyre really trying to communicate. if youre able to do that with missiles flying, you can do it with anyone.
I'll keep working on myself. I'm confident that it will make me a better person regardless of the outcome with our marriage.
so, yes. the skills you can develop, are developing, can take you far, regardless of the outcome.
She believes that I have destroyed her trust and rendered her incapable of feeling secure in our relationship.
what is her issue here, specifically? was there something specific behind "destroyed her trust"? was this over the agreement with your partners?
On New Years Eve my punishment was her inappropriate behavior while we were out with our kids
by inappropriate behavior, was she airing the conflict in front of your kids?
for what its worth, she certainly sounds difficult, and she sounds like shes generally uncooperative. what i mean by that is, not that there isnt hope; its just a data point.
it means right now, shes approaching this as: "our problems are you, not me, this is up to you to resolve". thats not uncommon, particularly where alcoholism is involved.
it could also suggest, if she brings that attitude into therapy, that there is only so much that couples therapy could do. if one or both parties bring a "fix them, not me", attitude, its difficult for a therapist to get buy in on "fixing" the
relationship as a whole.
in that regard, its not a bad thing that shes sought out counseling from your church, even if shes hearing (whether or not theyre actually telling her) that youre the problem. at some point, in one on one counseling, youre kinda forced to take some agency over your life/conflict. affect change, not just bitch. if she feels that the counselor is "on her side", theyre in a powerful position to ultimately direct that into more constructive action, at the very least. even assuming theyre in complete agreement with her, and validating her every breath, it is unlikely to make things
worse.
how deep is her alcoholism? in therapeutic settings, this is often the first, and it can be the hardest, thing to address, because without that, its very difficult to make inroads elsewhere.
i assume that there is some communication between the two of you happening. how is it going? how often?
