So what were the excuses your ex used when they discarded you?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Just curious what were the excuses your ex used when it came time to discard you? At first mine told me she never loved me. Then the very next day she was stalking my Facebook page. After that 1 spoke to her 2 different times and each one was a different excuse. The 2nd excuse was she found it very hard to communicate with me. The 3rd excuse was she said I had a bad temper! This was her projecting onto me. So 3 different excuses given to me at 3 different times. Anyone else deal with this and their different excuses?

[Confused108]

Just curious what were the excuses your ex used when it came time to discard you? At first mine told me she never loved me. Then the very next day she was stalking my Facebook page. After that 1 spoke to her 2 different times and each one was a different excuse. The 2nd excuse was she found it very hard to communicate with me. The 3rd excuse was she said I had a bad temper! This was her projecting onto me. So 3 different excuses given to me at 3 different times. Anyone else deal with this and their different excuses?

[jonmnemonic]

I didn't get a reason for the discard.  My ex just stopped talking to me then after 2 months of mostly silence got a protection order to have me removed from the house.  I haven't spoken with her since.

[vortex of confusion]

The best is when they discard you and say they didn't discard you.

I am the one that kicked ex out. When I have tried to talk to him, he likes to remind me that I am the one that invited him to leave.

Um, he had discarded me and emotionally abandoned me years before. He would seek out other women online and talk to them and woo them and not give me the time of day yet claim that he hadn't discarded me. Talk about confusing.

Some of the excuses that I was given:

-I didn't float his boat any more and those other women inspired him. I didn't. 
-I didn't keep the house clean enough.
-I had too many clothes.
-I was too demanding.
-He is a sex addict and doesn't know how to connect.
-This is one of the best ones. . .
"When you put me in the friend zone (20 years ago), I don't think I ever got out."   
(When we met, he came on really strong and would visit me at work and want all of my time. At one point, I asked him to back off a little because I needed time and space. I did't put him in the friend zone. I asked him to back off a little. We weren't even really dating at that point yet he acted like I had broken his heart. Why did I date, marry, and have kids with this man?)
-Another one that I loved was the fact that he told me on several occasions, "I can't focus on our relationship right now. Everybody in my 12 step program says to give it a year. I can't be bothered with you or our relationship. I have to focus on me and my recovery." (I bought that for several years. He had to discard me because that is what his 12 step program told him to do. Forget that we had been married for so many years and had 4 kids together. His 12 step program was his excuse for checking out on his family.)

If I gave it a little more thought, I could probably come up with even more excuses that he has given me over the years.

[noideaforname]

One day before break up... .

"it's so good being with you because your older and know how to please me... ."
we have 7 years in age difference
 
during the break up

"i can't be with you... .you have lived more than me and i need to live... .our age difference makes ur not a suitable person to be with me"

this is one of them.

[SES]

 She got caught having an affair, and left me for her affair partner.  Although she didn't move out for over a year, and kept two homes. During that time I was:
old
Bald
Fat
Ugly
Not exciting enough
Smelt
Controlling
Abusive
Not meeting her needs
Not trendy enough
Pathetic
Unlovable by anyone
A bad dad
Neglecting our kids
A pervert
A sex addict
A harasser
Hated by friends and family
... .etc

Along with the multitude of false allegations made to the police, school, my employer and child protection services

Of course, some of it was true... .I accept that I am old and bald ( I have a shaved head)!

[earlyL]

My partner told me she had feelings for someone else.

She told me she didn't need me anymore
That she was a sex addict
That I didn't fulfil her needs.
She needed space.

She then stayed out all day and night and avoided me. After two weeks, I found a letter in her bag from said woman explaining about their intimacy. She left for a friends house and text to ask if she could come home. I suggested she stayed away as she needed space, but I would like to talk to her and had some questions. She came back to the house but said she couldn't talk.

She then shouted at me that she had nowhere else to go. I begged her to leave for both our sanity. On the day that she saw the woman again (we all work together so I know it was the first time they saw each other), she never came back. I have since had I love you text messages. It is the most emotional turbulent period I have ever been through. Thinking about normal breaks ups - one person normally just says this ain't working anymore and that is it.

[vortex of confusion]

I just thought of another one. . .

He claimed that he was a sex addict yet said that he couldn't keep up with me because I wanted too much sex and was impossible to please.  

[earlyL]

The sex addict one for me came from nowhere, she wouldn't kiss me one day and I asked her what was going on (I had presumed because I was ill) but she looked so terrified when I tried to kiss her, it was so bizarre. She ran out the door then I got a text saying she felt she was a sex maniac.

[prettyflowers]

For me, there were so many excuses across all the discards. Often, just like I'm reading here in these other replies, the excuses would contradict something she said only days before. I'm sure I've blocked several of them out, but here's a list for the sake of comparing our experiences:

- I don't inspire her.
- I don't plan exciting things to do.
- We're "two different people."
- She doesn't see herself spending the rest of her life with one person.
- Her needs and wants aren't getting met. (Nevermind that I practically exerted superpowers to cater to her every want and need.)
- I'm not "a passionate person."
- She's "too independent" to give me what I need.
- I'm not someone who "gets up and gets after life." (Translation: I prefer my stable career and lifestyle over constantly jumping on new ideas and trying to make them lucrative.)
- She's "not happy."

[Maboo]

"You're so immature." (She used to play on the fact she was a year and a half older than me. Whatever you say, old wise sensei... .)

After I told her "I'm yours", she gave me a list of friends & family of mine, and random people who liked/commented on my FB posts and told me: "You're not mine, you're their."
This one was actually very common during the relationship... ."You're not mine" and "You put me last". That's of course, why I deliberately crossed the Atlantic ocean to come and see you. Because I put you last.

There were excuses all over the relationship though... .

"I don't feel safe around you, you are not aware of how strong you are." (Because getting slapped and punched by you regularly made me feel protected like a president. She referred to a few occasions when I threw an object to the floor out of anger that occurred because of her non-sense.)

"That was the longest orgasm I've ever had!" (a while later)--> "You never satisfy me during sex. It's all about you."

"You make me feel sick." (Oops.)

And of course, I was the one who "gave up on her". Because I told her that she was free to leave when she threatened to do so. So inappropriate of me.

[Aesir]

The first time was no real reason. The second time she blamed me for the direction of her life. Basically she blamed me for not contributing more than the 70% to the relationship I had been for years.  She could make demands but I couldn't.

[Confused108]

Vortex my ex also after a week of raging thru emails to me put the blame on me as well for ending the relationship. She said to me well you thought I ended things when I would say I needed time and space when I didn't end things. But that's ok because that's what you felt! Bull $hit because that's exactly what she told me. And I also threw saved text messages in her face in her own words of her constantly ending things with me! Also I have read so much here about the "sex" part of it. Mine would say she hated sex it was overrated. Then she told me she thought she was turning into a whore and felt yucky about herself at some point in her past. Then she said one of her ex lovers was such a man how he treated her body. Then it went to he never gave her an orgasm she faked it. Then it went to she doesn't like to  risk her spirituality for the sake of sex? Ok that's why had some kid she Got off the internet before she suckered me back in bc I want taking her bait for 10 days for sex. Then claimed to me she had to drink just to put up with him. I would give nothing more then to wrap my ex in the mouth for all the dirty and disgusting lies she has told me from the very beginning. Amazing! Talk about being in a fog! No more that's for sure!

[FSTL]

One day before break up... .

"it's so good being with you because your older and know how to please me... ."
we have 7 years in age difference
 
during the break up

"i can't be with you... .you have lived more than me and i need to live... .our age difference makes ur not a suitable person to be with me"


I got something similar (in addition to a range of ever changing excuses). I was told that only someone my age would understand here, and she told me how much she depended on me and I was the only one who got her.

Shortly thereafter she was breaking up with me because of our age differences, I was depressed and she was worried we would have kids and I would disappear on her and I didn't get her. She also added "you're not normal".

You know you've hit a new low when someone with BPD doesn't think you're normal... .

[FSTL]

The first time was no real reason. The second time she blamed me for the direction of her life. Basically she blamed me for not contributing more than the 70% to the relationship I had been for years.  She could make demands but I couldn't.

I saw messages from my ex to her friend referring to me as a "needy psycho" for wanting to spend some time with her. She was, at times, extremely needy and was borderline... .

It's all about them and their needs/feelings.

[once removed]

there are valid reasons to break up with someone, no? even if they hurt, even if ultimately, theyre unfair, does it make good sense to outright dismiss them?

[vortex of confusion]

there are valid reasons to break up with someone, no? even if they hurt, even if ultimately, theyre unfair, does it make good sense to outright dismiss them?

I have had this thought as well.

I can list all of the crazy things that ex said were excuses for checking out of the family/discarding us.

Towards the end, I am pretty sure that I was probably sounding just as crazy as he was. The dynamic between us had become toxic and neither one of us wanted to let things go. As a result, the push/pull, the excuses, and all of it were probably pretty messed up on both sides. There are specific things that he said and did that led me to believe that there was more going on than just a typical break up.

[FSTL]

There can be legitimate excuses and yep, I was crazy by proximity as well... .

But what defines some of the stories here is that there stories/excuses are ever changing... .and of course when their feelings change, they want you back, thereby invalidating the previous excuses. Mine told me she didn't want to be with me, that I was controlling, etc and then was over at mine the following night talking about meeting my kids and helping me with a BBQ the next day.

The other common features seem to be the confusion on their part, or the lying on their part or the projection on their part. It's unlikely they are confusing or lying or projecting about a legitimate issue... .

[Wood stock]

My ex-fiancé just hammered and hammered at me that I was "talking behind his back." All while he was doing a SECOND jail sentence for DUI and I was taking care of his daughter full time while he was in jail. Did I mention for the SECOND time? I am a public school teacher in our community; he was also a successful professional in his career and traveled the world. I'm sorry--JAIL sentences are just not part of my normalcy. But still, I hung on through the humiliation of a jury trial where I had to testify in front of people I knew my whole life--not because of anything I did wrong, but because of HIS reckless decisions. But I cared about him.

And as for "talking behind his back"? I knew I hadn't said much to anyone (too humiliating to even talk about it). And then it all came together: He was getting into my text messages to my very best girlfriend of 25 years where, yes, I expressed some doubts about him and our relationship. Yep. That was my crime.

[once removed]

and of course when their feelings change, they want you back, thereby invalidating the previous excuses

this is common with relationship recycling in general. relationship is on the fritz, some distance allows for the negative qualities of a person to be minimized and the positive qualities to be idealized, one or both parties want to try again.

if you ask a partner why they broke up with you, you arent ever likely to get the "full truth". youre either likely to get vague answers, changing answers, comforting answers, or a lot of blame thrown at you. either way you are getting their perspective. their perspective is only one side of the story, but quite often there is a kernel or more of truth to it.

[FallenOne]

Two days before my discard after 4 years...

-I love you so much
-Spends the night. Passionate sex.
-You're a great lover
-I want you to be happy

to...

-You're abusive
-You ruined my life. Yes you ruined the past few years of my life.
-I don't love you "like that"
-Good riddance!
-Files a restraining order... .


Yeah... .

[roberto516]

"We outgrew each other." In reality it was "This relationship is going to take some work, and I can't deal with actually having to care about another human being."

[hopealways]

One day before break up... .

"it's so good being with you because your older and know how to please me... ."
we have 7 years in age difference
 
during the break up

"i can't be with you... .you have lived more than me and i need to live... .our age difference makes ur not a suitable person to be with me"

this is one of them.

I need to be free... .I can't make you happy... .BLAH BLAH BLAH

[aj4599]

"You're crazy" was what I got the most. Despite interactions like:
Me: "Would you like coffee this morning"? (literally all I said one morning).
Her: "Can't you see I'm still waking up?"
Her: "Your hand is in your pants, you're disgusting"
Her: (after I got out of bed, to sit on the couch) You're sitting on my pillows, get the $* off!"
Her: "Your feet are out, you're disgusting"
Her: ":)id you make reservations for dinner tonight? No? You're worthless."
Her: "Why are you even here, I hate you and don't want you here"
Her: "Why are you so crazy, I wouldn't have to say this stuff if I didn't have a crazy person here."
Me: "Uhhhh... .so should I go get the coffee now?"

[aj4599]

Other common "reasons":

- You don't get me at all.
- You're a selfish only child, all you care about is yourself.
- We clearly don't have any chemistry.
- Everything you do annoys me, it's just you because you're awful.
- (One week after a 6-month affair on her part came out) You just can't let go of this. You can't get over it so I need to break up. I only cheated because you are so crazy and I needed my ex to talk to.
- You're an idiot, nothing you do is ever right.
- My life is so stressful, but it's all because of you. Everything is good until you come around.
- Why do you annoy me so much? And then you just can't shut up and not talk. Just sit there silently, every time you open your mouth you're making everything worse.

[Confused108]

Yup guys a lot of what was just mentioned I heard those as well. I was selfish etc. all lies as we all know!

[VeganButEatMyMea]

In a recent text she called me selfish too (like the rest of you I bent over backwards for her). 

So she cheated on me but we had a discussion about 1 week after d-day:

- I don't like Christmas, I don't like putting up Christmas lights, and don't get excited about it.
- I never visit her family... .she asked me once 3 years ago and I said "no". Never asked again but obviously hasn't forgot.
- I don't treat her curtains well... .yea, she said that
- I don't like nice things (mainly furniture and decorations)...   been trying to leave the state for 2 years, why would I buy anything just to sell it.
- I didn't like her son. Yea we argued every once in a while but I was good to him. She only remembers the bad.

I'm moving from Maryland to Arizona next month.  I'm under contract on a 4 Bed 2 Bath with pool, fully upgraded, cul-de-sac house and my soon to be bachelor pad. Although she'll never see my new house given I've recently discovered and implemented the "Grey Rock Method" with her (can't go NC due to our son) I'm still going to furnish the home with nice furniture, decorations, and beautiful curtains.

[IamGrey]

'I couldn't handle the 3 weeks of silence' (initiated by her)
'I've never felt so lonely the last time we met' (I had gastroenteritis)
'You said some horrible things to me' (I told her I couldn't see her whilst I felt so rough)
'It's over' (I've found another host)

Always the victim - it's never their fault

[roberto516]

Am I crazy to interpret her saying "people change and I outgrew the relationship" as "you were setting down boundaries and wanted a mutual partnership." I believe that's called "waifing" or smething when a borderline runs because the partner is now asking for some committment to the relationship because they can't keep carrying the torch by themselves.

[vortex of confusion]

Am I crazy to interpret her saying "people change and I outgrew the relationship" as "you were setting down boundaries and wanted a mutual partnership." I believe that's called "waifing" or smething when a borderline runs because the partner is now asking for some committment to the relationship because they can't keep carrying the torch by themselves.

How long was the relationship?

If a person decides that a relationship isn't working, does it automatically make them borderline?

[bunny4523]

the final discard was really weird.  The little ones before it were always ultimatums... .if your not going to do this then this needs to end.
 
the final discard was about our cable/wifi plan.  It was really lagging and he was frustrated that everytime he called, they said it was the highest they have.  I told him, I would give it a shot and see what I could do.  He gave me the code word since he set it up and it was in his name.  After a week or so, I finally had time to make the call and was able to upgrade our plan for like $18/month.  Yahoo right?  Um no... .he told me it was his plan and to change it back.  He was so irrate about me "violating" his privacy he almost had me convinced that I had done something wrong.  We were living together and engaged to be married but I wasn't authorized to make a $20/month purchase on my own... .  so anyways he basically gave me the message that I do not get to make these decisions regarding our home and I somehow "hacked" his account.  Wow... .  I had raised my 3 boys on my own and am very good with finances and budgets and he gave me the password.  I could have paid the whole 2 year plan right then and there for this increase so it wasn't about money.  It's weird that this is what it took for me to call it quits.  He gave me that same speel, "if you don't change it back, then this needs to end."  this time, I said... ."ok I'm fine with that." 

I called his bluff, I was done.  He lost it in the next week to come... .asked if I'd still come back and visit him.  Wanted to kiss me on the forehead good night.  Somehow was re-bonding with me... .but I was in full "move out" force.  I stayed calm around him but I was determined to get out and was very clear that I wouldn't be coming back to visit and kissing me on the forehead is awkward.  Then he flipped it and I was the one LEAVING him... .Followed me around like I was going to steal from him or break things... .had a friend over to "watch" me while I packed up and moved a few things out at a time.  Flipped because I was trying to take his towell. (we had bought the same towell at Costco)  He was like, "wait wait wait that is my towell and snatched it out of my hand." 

He ended up changing the locks on me a few days later so if I left I couldn't come back on my own without him allowing it.  Oh my gosh... .such craziness.  I called the cops and had them stick around and I moved everything out that day.  I was abosolutely done playing into this game... .which at the time, I didn't even know was BPD.


Bunny