First post

[WrongSaidFred]

Hey all, just had another huge blowout with my bpd wife. She is miserable but thinks it’s all my fault and won’t participate in trying to solve it. The problem is always that we live in squalor, I’m always mean to her, I’m too thin-skinned, and I don’t want to spend any time with her. She will accept no responsibility, will not expend any additional energy, will not speak to professional help. She says she wishes she were dead.

I know I’m very imperfect but I also know that her view is skewed.

    WSF

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey all, just had another huge blowout with my bpd wife. She is miserable but thinks it’s all my fault and won’t participate in trying to solve it. The problem is always that we live in squalor, I’m always mean to her, I’m too thin-skinned, and I don’t want to spend any time with her. She will accept no responsibility, will not expend any additional energy, will not speak to professional help. She says she wishes she were dead.

I know I’m very imperfect but I also know that her view is skewed.

    WSF

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry we're meeting under these circumstances.  I can relate to how you're feeling right now and it's definitely not fun.

How long have you been married?  And how long into the marriage did the conflicts begin?  Help us get a better idea of what you're dealing with.

[WrongSaidFred]

Thank you for the response.

We've only been married for a few years, but we've been living together for probably close to twenty. My wife is autistic (as am I to an extent) so recognizing the causes have been like peeling layers from an onion.

The conflicts have been there since early days, but have been escalating as she gets older and she sees her future options running out.

She's extremely sweet and generous, but when something goes wrong, it's always my fault. If I say something that she misinterprets, it's my fault for not being more clear; if she misinterprets something I say, it's my fault for not asking for clarification.

   WSF

[Pook075]

Thank you for the response.

We've only been married for a few years, but we've been living together for probably close to twenty. My wife is autistic (as am I to an extent) so recognizing the causes have been like peeling layers from an onion.

The conflicts have been there since early days, but have been escalating as she gets older and she sees her future options running out.

She's extremely sweet and generous, but when something goes wrong, it's always my fault. If I say something that she misinterprets, it's my fault for not being more clear; if she misinterprets something I say, it's my fault for not asking for clarification.

   WSF

It sounds like there's a breakdown in communication, and I know firsthand how frustrating that feels.  I experienced it often with my ex wife and my daughter (both are BPD).

When something "goes wrong", how do you generally try to fix it?

In my case, I'd try talking things out but my wife couldn't fully understand me; it's like I'd say one thing and she'd hear something completely different.  That happens when someone is dysregulated; they react more to their feelings in the moment than the words being said.

For instance, if you ask me for a glass of water, maybe I tell you there's glasses in the kitchen and to help yourself.  But if you've just run five miles and are extremely dehydrated from the sun, then maybe you take my simple suggestion as something different.  Maybe you feel like I'm taunting you or making fun of you.

In other words, my answer could come off as insensitive given the circumstances...even if I meant no harm in what I said.

Stuff like that can really drive BPDs into another gear of a fight or flight mentality, and our job is to disarm the conversations by focusing on their feelings and helping them feel grounded.  There's usually a "story behind the story" when your wife reacts badly, because on some level what you said hurt her emotionally when she was already struggling with something unseen.

Does that make any sense?

[WrongSaidFred]

That does make a lot a sense, yes. I try to be a very logical person, but no amount of logic ever seems to help.

I want to get a dialogue going so we can solve the problem, but she prefers to vent at length about how unhappy she is. Maybe I'm too quick to try to solve things. Perhaps it's just that she just wants to vent.

The problem is that I could write her rants for her. We've done this so many times by now that I know what her complaints are, and how she's going to blame me for them. I know which of my friends or relatives she'll compare me to and why, and I know which mistakes I've made in the past that she will bring up as examples.

I have attention problems and poor self-esteem, so just sitting still and listening to what I refer to as "the Litany" is very difficult for me. I'm a software developer and very logical, so I just want to find the problem and fix it, no blame needed. This is crucial, because she's very preoccupied with not being at fault in anything. I get the impression her family very badly mistreated her when she was "at fault" growing up.

The "good" news is that these explosions from her seem to just dissipate in time. Her mood will improve and she'll be back to the sweet, loving person she normally is. It's just that I have to keep weathering these storms.

That must be rough to have both an ex-wife and a daughter with BPD. Did they team up on you, or go at each other? Each sounds worse than the other option. ?

   WSF

[losthope1234]

Hii..how long back did you figure that she may have BPD traits??

I understand your need to simply solve the problem without getting into the whirlwind of blames. But the thing is that, mostly they aren't really looking for concrete solutions when they are blaming or ranting. They are going through pain and hurt on the inside and ranting is a way for her to deal with the pain and sometimes they feel better when they can put the blame onto us rather than facing the fact that need help because that would mean admitting that they are imperfect. I am going through very similar stuffs too. Even though I know these technically, it's very hurtful to hear them blaming us. One thing I am trying to do is, to have my logics very clear to myself. If i indeed do any mistake, i acknowledge it to myself and try not to repeat. Many of the blames doesn't have any basis. So I will carefully apply logic and if i see it's baseless then i will ignore it. It's very difficult to not take personally but i am practicing this, not to internalise.

To convince them, however, is entirely different story, i don't know whether that's even possible. I am trying to practice different forms of responses to defuse arguments outlined in the books. Still struggling to implement though.

[WrongSaidFred]

I as well. You ever see the movie "Groundhog Day", where the protagonist keeps reliving the same day?

Well, every time we have an argument, I run through all the approaches I've tried and failed with, hoping to find a new approach that will work. I understand that this may not be possible, but when I'm under fire, I can't help trying.

The worst part is that often the problems are of her own making. For instance, she's been very upset about the "PLEASE READhole" we live in, and in particular, the state of our front porch.

So I look out on the front porch, and what do I see? I see bird seed scattered everywhere, because she keeps buying it and not doing anything with it, and the animals get to it. I see dirty cat food dishes because she keeps leaving them out there despite my asking her to only feed animals in the back. I see ice melt, because she keeps buying it despite my telling we have more than enough.  I see a lot of carboard because she buys stuff on Amazon faster than I can put it away at times. I see two car covers because though I told her we'd never use them, she insisted I buy them for the cars. And that's pretty much it.

It's frustrating because I can't tell her that she's making herself miserable and perhaps change her behavior, because she doesn't want to have to change or be to "blame".

Anyway, it was my own therapist who first suggested that my wife might have BPD. I've since been reading up on it, and I think my wife does have many of the traits. I feel bad because she's a really sweet, caring woman, but these storms come over her and it's painful for the both of us.

   WSF

[cynp]

I have learnt that I am going to bear the brunt of my psrtner's moods. In many cases it has nothing to do with me. Bad day at work? Family drama? It is going to come back at me. If there is nohing to berate me on they will make something up or bring up something from the past. and it's the same crticisms and accusations over and over. I have become the object to be acted upon when they are having problems in life, and i really do feel like an object when its happening.

[WrongSaidFred]

That’s terrible. Does he or she treat you well when not in these flare up? My wife treats me very well, but these flare ups hang over my head.

Tonight she tried a guilt trip on me, saying she would have to put a bandaid on her wrists to cover the bruises I put there.

I reminded her that the bruisers were only because she wouldn’t stop hitting me so I had to restrain her fists.

Without missing a beat, she pivoted to me being larger than her—as if that excused her punching me—and then pivoted further to me having lost it with her and shouting, which came after another of her episodes.

It’s like a form of color blindness, except instead of not seeing a particular color, she doesn’t see her own contribution to any of her woes. She feels sorry for herself for her sore wrists but can’t see that her wrists are sore because she wouldn’t stop punching me. Seeing things from her point of view, it must be terrifying: poor innocent little her is just minding her own business, and then, for no apparent reason, I become mean to her.

I wish there were a way we could talk about her involvement in a way that felt safe to her.

    WSF

[Pook075]

I wish there were a way we could talk about her involvement in a way that felt safe to her.

 WSF

When one of the BPDs in my life go off on me (ex wife and daughter), which doesn't happen very often anymore, I'll remain silent, let them finish their initial barrage, and then ask, "I'm so sorry if I did anything to upset you, what can I do to help?"

Sometimes, that changes the conversation and they instantly calm down.  Other times, they'll begin to repeat the same stuff.  Again, I just listen until I can say, "You know I love you and I'm always here for you- how do we fix this?"

Note- I don't suggest how we fix it, and I don't directly respond to any of the accusations.  I simply ask how we can move forward while also expressing love and compassion.

Sometimes, they calm down and we can talk normally.  Other times, they'll grow frustrated.  I might have to walk away while saying, "We're both upset, let's calm down for a few minutes and try again later." (another favorite is, "I love you and I don't want to argue, so let's take a break for a bit.")

But here's the thing- this is what I do every single time and today, they don't come at me a million miles an hour anymore.  Where our conversations used to start at a 10/10 in intensity, now maybe it's a six or a seven.  And because they know I'll listen and do whatever I can to help, a few compassionate words bring them down to a 2 or 3.

So even on my worst days, it's totally different from a year ago because of the trust we've rebuilt.  And I haven't had a drag out argument in a very long time...I won't let it get to that without walking away while showing compassion.  Instead, these are 3-5 minute episodes and then it's completely over.

I hope that helps.

[cynp]

That’s terrible. Does he or she treat you well when not in these flare up? My wife treats me very well, but these flare ups hang over my head.

Yes. That is the problem. We do love each other, and most of the time, we get along very well. But when my partner is in a flare up, it's like they become a different preson, and it's so hard to deal with. I cannot control if they have a bad day that has nothing to do w me, but i certainly pay for it.