Please help. No clue how to deal with crisis

[doopywoo]

Context: partner (24) has BPD, CPTSD, ADHD. I (23) have GAD (medicated) and probably autism. We’ve been together almost 4 years, lived together for about 2.5 years, engaged a few months. We are both men, no kids. He is not officially diagnosed with BPD (he does have official diagnosis for CPTSD and ADHD) but he knows he has BPD and has not gotten treatment. I’ve tried several times to talk about treatment but it’s always delays and excuses. I love him and I thought I could handle this but I don’t know now.

He just had a meltdown and drove off refusing to tell me where. It started because I asked him to pick up in a couple rooms, he got angry (supposedly because of the timing but he almost always gets upset when I ask him to clean up). I do virtually every chore bc if I don’t it just won’t get done, but at minimum I need his help picking up the things he leaves everywhere. Both bc I am exhausted and I do not want to be his caretaker. I often feel like I am caretaking and do not want that responsibility.

He (angrily) picked up a bit. Often during a meltdown he will “break up” with me through text, which I ignore because he always backtracks after the meltdown. He did that today. he then locked himself in a room and cried/yelled in anguish about how I treat him like everyone else in his life that just wants things from him. He yelled at me to leave him alone but I refused because I was concerned that he was self-harming or worse. Me not leaving seemed to make it worse and after some more yelling he drove away.

I am so frustrated, angry, and drained. after he left I screamed into a pillow, punched a mattress to let some anger out. It drives me crazy that after all his (and by extension, my) suffering he will not help himself by getting treatment. I want a future with him but this is so unsustainable. I try to focus on my own mental health and self development but it is hard to separate my wellness from his when i have to deal with his meltdowns and outbursts.

I don’t know how to strike the right balance of supporting him, leaving him be, and taking care of myself.

another big issue is that he will seemingly randomly say things about wanting to die or that he’s going to kill himself. Usually he sounds like he is joking. I know that I should take this seriously, but he will not say anything more when I try to get him to talk about it. I feel terrible about it but I often brush it off because I can’t tell if he’s serious, and if he was serious I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he’ll say something ominous like  “goodbye, I’ll always love you” right before bed late at night, which feels like him intentionally upsetting me or trying to get a reaction. I end up feeling terrified and helpless.

I apologize if this is ranty/incoherent. I am all kinds of tired and confused. Any advice on how to deal with the suicidality or anything else mentioned would be greatly appreciated.

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[kells76]

You sound exhausted-- I would be, too.

I don’t know how to strike the right balance of supporting him, leaving him be, and taking care of myself.

another big issue is that he will seemingly randomly say things about wanting to die or that he’s going to kill himself. Usually he sounds like he is joking. I know that I should take this seriously, but he will not say anything more when I try to get him to talk about it. I feel terrible about it but I often brush it off because I can’t tell if he’s serious, and if he was serious I don’t know what to do. Sometimes he’ll say something ominous like  “goodbye, I’ll always love you” right before bed late at night, which feels like him intentionally upsetting me or trying to get a reaction. I end up feeling terrified and helpless.

The National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (NEABPD) offers two "Family Connections" classes for persons with loved ones with BPD. One is for BPD/chronic emotional dysregulation (I took that one), and the other one is for Managing Suicidality & Trauma Recovery (haven't taken that one).

You sound like a good candidate for both -- you want to make things work but are getting worn down by the cycles and the threats.

When I signed up for the basic FC class, there was a significant (~7 month) wait list. Occasionally the suicidality class does not have a wait list. So, you could look into signing up for both soon, and then hopefully one starts sooner than the other one.

I apologize if this is ranty/incoherent. I am all kinds of tired and confused. Any advice on how to deal with the suicidality or anything else mentioned would be greatly appreciated.

Is he open to getting support from a suicide hotline?

Have you tried calling a suicide hotline, for yourself (as you cope with a partner making suicidal statements)?

[once removed]

I don’t know how to strike the right balance of supporting him, leaving him be, and taking care of myself.

youre doing a pretty good job of it. 

and what i mean by that is, youve got good coping mechanisms (punching and screaming into a pillow is a good outlet), and you dont take the bait to jump in and rescue. its  good foundation to build on.

It started because I asked him to pick up in a couple rooms, he got angry (supposedly because of the timing but he almost always gets upset when I ask him to clean up). I do virtually every chore bc if I don’t it just won’t get done, but at minimum I need his help picking up the things he leaves everywhere.

one thing that ADHD and BPD have in common is difficulty regulating emotions. they both come with low frustration tolerance.

people with ADHD can be messy, or disorganized. they can be either hypersensitive to, or oblivious of, their environment.

they also tend to hate the perception that theyre being told what to do.

so youve got a difficult or impossible situation. a partner who is messy, or disorganized, or both. you cant say anything about it because he flies off the handle when you do. it may even feel to him, when youre cleaning, like youre doing it to spite him. and with bpd traits on top of it, it would probably be very difficult to discern between his own big feelings, and seeing you as the cause of them.

and youre resentful cause the whole thing is driving you nuts!

have you tried sitting down to discuss this together, in a time of calm? im guessing you probably have. but there may need to be another discussion, or another, or even more. not in the moment, where youre asking him to do his part, but separately and deliberately to talk about the big picture.

ideally, youd have a system that divides labor in a way that works for both of you. and not everything will necessary look 50/50...it could be, for example, that you do more of the cleaning, he does more of the cooking, or the grocery shopping, or...

the goal would be to get his buy-in. to be on the same page, as a team, in a way that works for both of you. where he can most easily and consistently contribute. (any ideas?)

the difficulty may be that he may have a difficult time living up to his part of the bargain. but steps taken would be real progress. the thought. the effort. and checking in with each other about it, again in a time of calm, can help keep things consistent, where he starts to build the deliberate, conscious habit.

[doopywoo]

Hi kells76. Thank you for responding and for your recommendations. I applied for the BPD/chronic emotional dysregulation course, but it looks like there is a wait time of 5-6 months. The suicidality course says it's only for parents, so I don't believe I am eligible.

I will try to suggest calling a suicide hotline next time he makes a suicidal statement. I have not tried calling myself, but I think I will try it next time.

He ended up coming home a couple hours later (from the gym) and snapped out of the meltdown/episode soon after. Even once he calmed down he kept making "lighthearted" suicidal statements that just baffle me. The statements make me think he is suffering inside and coping with humor. I try to gently start a serious conversation about it, but he just deflects. Same goes for any mention of therapy. I don't believe he's at immediate risk because he is still making future plans and today seems to be in good spirits. I just don't know what else to do if he won't get help for himself.


I just saw your reply once removed. Thank you for the encouragement; I have learned to "not take the bait" from this site which I think has been very helpful, more so for my sanity than anything else.

a partner who is messy, or disorganized, or both. you cant say anything about it because he flies off the handle when you do. it may even feel to him, when youre cleaning, like youre doing it to spite him

Sooo accurate. He gets annoyed when I do chores, both bc he feels guilty that I am taking most of the responsibility and bc me working around the house "makes him anxious". I usually do my housework while he is away because of it (I work from home, he works away).

We have discussed division of labor in the past to mixed results... he is supposed to handle the cooking, which ends up meaning we order in almost every day (which I pay for ). He does do all the driving, which is great because driving is difficult for me (anxiety + likely autism). I've accepted the fact that I will be doing the lion's share of the housework and finances. I just need him to pick up after himself! I think we can have a calm conversation about that, so I will try some day soon (once the most recent meltdown has faded from his memory a bit).

[cynp]

My partner has enaged with suicidality from jokes all the way to serious frightful gestures. I hate the jokes because I know what they are capabale of, but Ive come to look at them as maybe this is them letting off steam as opposed to letting the feelings build til they turn to something more serious.
I hate to say this but I'm at teh point where I see them as i would see a person with a serious physical sickness. They are here and ok now, but someday the illness may get it over on them. I can do what I can but ultimately it's out of my hands.

[doopywoo]

cynp, that may be a helpful, albeit very sad, perspective. I hate the jokes too, but you're right in that I much prefer them to actual self-harming behavior.

The difference is that a person with a serious physical condition would (probably) get life-saving treatment if they could; it's so frustrating to me that there is potentially life-saving treatment readily available to him that he is just not seeking. I know getting into treatment is a major, difficult step that needs to be self-motivated, and I'll never fully understand what he's going through. It just feels like by not getting treatment, he is actively choosing to stay miserable and suffering. Maybe on some level he feels he deserves to suffer. It's both heart-breaking and infuriating to watch

Do any of you have any tips on getting him into treatment? On the surface he is open to it (he has claimed to be looking for a therapist for years) but I'm worried it'll just never happen. I've read through the guide on this site https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy and will watch the video when I have I chance.

[kells76]

The difference is that a person with a serious physical condition would (probably) get life-saving treatment if they could; it's so frustrating to me that there is potentially life-saving treatment readily available to him that he is just not seeking. I know getting into treatment is a major, difficult step that needs to be self-motivated, and I'll never fully understand what he's going through. It just feels like by not getting treatment, he is actively choosing to stay miserable and suffering. Maybe on some level he feels he deserves to suffer. It's both heart-breaking and infuriating to watch

That is heartbreaking -- you love him and want good for him, yet he keeps self-destructing. So hard to watch.

any of you have any tips on getting him into treatment? On the surface he is open to it (he has claimed to be looking for a therapist for years) but I'm worried it'll just never happen. I've read through the guide on this site https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy and will watch the video when I have I chance.

The most eye-opening book for me on that topic was I am Not Sick I Don't Need Help! by Dr. Xavier Amador, whose brother had schizophrenia. The key takeaway was that people get help for things that they experience as problems, not things that we experience as problems.

He walks through his own earlier unhelpful responses to trying to make his brother take his meds and get treatment, discusses why "facts" and "proving" that a person is unwell won't be effective, and some ideas for trust- and coalition-building so that you can understand what your person sees as the issue, and support them in getting help for what they experience as the problem. While the book is written from the perspective of having a loved one with schizophrenia, many of the concepts and approaches are more widely applicable.

Not a magic wand -- but could have some helpful insights to readjust how you approach the stalemate.