Hello hausenpepper and
You are not alone in realizing BPD may be in play, after many years. Other members here have had similar experiences, of being in long-term relationships and only putting the pieces together after decades. Hard to see what you don't know to look for.
What did you observe recently, or what recent insight did you have, that led you to suspect your wife may have BPD?
Do the two of you have any kids? If so, where do they live (i.e. still at home, at college/in dorms, independent)?
What would you say is the biggest challenge or conflict in your marriage right now?
Starting to recognize it in other relationships I have, I'm also curious why I've became a BPD magnet.
I get what you're saying. After I joined here (due to my husband's kids' mom), I realized that my high school best friend's mom likely had diagnosable-level BPD. My H's mom likely had many traits in the past, though not today, and two of his sisters have many traits as well. Our marriage counselor suspected my mom had traits (she does have a cPTSD diagnosis), too.
Understanding our family of origin (FOO) and its dynamics can help us understand why BPD behaviors can feel so familiar to us. We don't necessarily have to have a BPD family member for there to have been dynamics in our FOO that taught us that abnormal things were normal and were what love and relationships felt like.
Fortunately, once we have some awareness of what may have contributed to our "partner picker" developing a certain way, we have the option to make different choices -- to want to develop a healthier "picker" that is attracted to functional, stable, mature persons.
Family of origin stuff isn't the only contributor to why we find dysfunction attractive. Even coming out of "generally normal" families, we may be extra sensitive persons, or persons with deep needs for validation, or needs for feeling useful, heroic, helpful, or like we can rescue or save others. If we have those personality traits, especially unconsciously, we may find ourselves attracted to "victims", and/or persons who immediately smother us in affirmation, agreement, and positive mirroring.
Any of that sounding like it could be going on for you?
...
As you settle in here, take a look at our section of articles on
When a partner/spouse has Borderline Personality Disorder. I'd be curious to hear from you about what was helpful or spoke to your situation.
