Husband just diagnosed

[red_truck]

 My husband has been dealing with anxiety and depression for as long as I've known him.  Having three young children has added a lot of unpredictability and stress to our lives, and he has recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This seems to much more fully explain our struggles-  anxiety and depression didn't really fit.  This is all new to me and I just wanted to reach out to this group to see if there's any advice for him or myself on going forward and coping with this. Feeling at a loss for where to get help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome red_truck:   

Sorry to hear that your husband was diagnosed with BPD.  It has to be a challenge for you to have to deal with this, along with managing 3 small children. People with BPD (pwBPD) generally have other issues, like anxiety and depression.  Sometimes, I think the anxiety and depression can be the starting point for BPD behaviors, if the anxiety and depression go untreated, it can set the stage for the BPD behaviors to take off.

What type of treatment is your husband getting?  Is he cooperating with treatment?

The best thing for you to do is to take care of yourself and manage your stress.  You can't change your husband, but you can change the way you interact with him and react to him.  There is a lot of good information on this website.  The communication strategies can help ease the conflict.  There are a lot of links to helpful information in the right margin.  You will find one segment with "Basic Tools".  "Setting Boundaries", and ":)on't be invalidating" can be two good lessons to start with.

Have you read any books on BPD?  If you haven't, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" can be a good one to start with.  If you don't have time to read, you might consider getting the audio version.

Don't get overwhelmed by lessons and trying to figure everything out at once.  Just take it one step at a time.  Check out a lesson and let us know what you think and/or ask some questions.  Most of the strategies will take some practice to feel comfortable with them.

[livednlearned]

Hi red_truck,

It can be a big relief to realize there is a name for the confusing behaviors. And it makes it easier to find places like this  

Is your husband accepting his diagnosis? Does he seem likely to try treatment of some kind or other?

How are you holding up? How are the kids doing?

Having a support network to share with and learn from can make all the difference. You're not alone in this.

LnL

[red_truck]

Thanks for the welcome. As overwhelming as it can be, it really is a great feeling to know that there 'is a name' for what we've been dealing with for years. It helps to explain why we've been having such an extremely difficult time and why none of the treatments for anxiety, depression or ADHD have provided any significant or lasting relief. Makes me feel less crazy! My husband also finds this to be a very exciting idea that maybe we can finally get the right kind of help. We've currently got him on a waiting list for a DBT program in our area so we are feeling hopeful. Even with that though we are still dealing with daily struggles of helping him cope, try to work and keeping our home a safe and nurturing space for our amazing kids. Aside from the safety of my husband my biggest wish is that they are not affected by BPD. Lately it has been a daily struggle to make that happen.
I have read 'I hate you don't leave me' (not realizing that for was someone wBPD to read), and am just getting started on 'stop walking on eggshells. I'm totally open to figuring out what I can do to support my husband through this learning and healing process.

[livednlearned]

That is promising to hear he wants to get treatment! It may be two steps forward, one step back as he reconciles the dx in his mind, and how it impacts him emotionally.

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning is also a good book.

So is Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr.

Both books have really helpful sections on how to apply validation.

How does your husband's BPD traits present?

[red_truck]

Thanks- I'll check out those books. From what I've learned so far, my husband seems to fit the diagosis perfectly. He grew up in a home with a father that has several borderline traits (not diagnosed), he has exceedingly low self worth, frequent self harm and threats of suicide, previously self medicated his depression with alcohol and has had difficulties in work environments due to conflicts with superiors. He has also been diagnosed with ADHD which makes managing work and the home more difficult because of his difficulty with completing tasks. These 'failures' perpetuate the self hate. It's just been a few weeks since we got this diagnosis and since then he's been very depressed. Instead of working on his business he will lay in bed for hours - unable to move. This is safer than him lashing out at himself so I generally don't push him, but it is unproductive and adds to the overwhelming amount of work he has to catch up on which then  increases his stress.  I'm hoping a spot in DBT opens up soon so that we can start this process!