I need help... confused, sad, exhausted

[K2 Polar Bear]

HI, I have been with my wife for 30 years. She had no emotions for 25 and reportable hurt me on purpose as she hurt. She threatened to leave 4 times, and now a 5th time. The last 5 years of intensive therapy EMDR, DBT, Marriage counseling, which she got us fired from, my own cancelling and our marriage weekend intensive (intensive battery of psychological test for both), which she split and does not recall have of what we worked on. I was an enabling, problem solver, people pleaser for the family. The kids are gone. After 8 year of my own therapy I began setting appropriate boundaries with therapy guidance. Things are only worsening. She splits every 7-10 days. Is only happy on vacation and spending larger she of moneys on thing for the house. She has no capacity to understand her emotions are real and her perception and her narratives are true for her but may not reflect reality. We cannot change what happened to her in childhood. But, she has not progressed dealing with it. Instead plays a constant victim and martyr. She is physically abusive, emotionally controlling, and recently very hurtful with horrendous weaponized comments and frequent passive aggressive comments belittling, emasculating, and dismissing any attempts for me to express myself. I have work so hard and she has made some progress but I am so lonely emotionally, psychology, and physically. She blew up our daughter's college graduation 2 weeks ago, splitting and I covered for her to allow my daughter to have her moment for hard work. Although the girls did see it. While management of grandparents, other parents, etc. seeing she was off and hiding with zero ability to face and have body language with anyone. She regresses in 10-12 year old girl (per Phd therapist). I am just suppose to tell myself it is not about me. However, her passive aggressive and direct emotional attacks are brutal and and as much as I avoid, I still end up taking the bait sometime when then get deeper and more hurtful.

She is so brutally mean with brutal cutting comments but then says she does not mean it as she was split. But after hearing I only deserve the bare minimum, I am sexually useless, I am fat (but in best shape of my adult life), threaten to smear my with kids as an asshole, hits me, throws things at me.... I have been patient, kind, and understanding of her confirmed Fearful Avoident attachment style and unconventional BPD, which she refuses to admit sometimes, calls it a mercurial personality one therapist told her as they did not want to label her, but marriage intensive separated me out and gave me a book, for her never to see, to handle living with a BPD and encouraged me to continue my therapy for an outlet.

I am at a lost and I think I need to go. I am super sad of what we have built in life, I am sad in what I think she could be and we could be together. However, since I started expressing my boundaries of not tolerating passive aggressive baiting, projection, violence, and vicious comments things have escalated and splits happen like every 7-14 days now and last 5 or more days at a time. It makes work hard and I can barely keep my head above water with my own self care.

I think I need to go but I am terrified as she has threatened to destroy me financially, smear me, and ruin me. But then says she only said that in anger and would never do it.

The days she is good and when on vacation without any life responsibility and I take care of everything she seems happy an engages in the marriage.

I am so confused, lost, scared, and lonely and barely suriving running my professional carreer, helping adult children, and helping aging parents. My cup has so many holes and is so empty I am sinking back into the diminished, useless human being I was made to feel back in 2017-2018 and had dark times.

Now she is full court press to be nice to me after she used my own personal trauma against me in anger 2 days ago. A breadcrumb of affection will come for a few days.

I am so lost. I want to leave but do not know how to start.

K2 Polar Bear

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Forevergood]

Hi

Sorry to hear what you’re going through someone that isn’t living with a BPD partner won’t even recognize your pain. I’m married for over 24 years to a BPD wife and have kids. Some of them grown and out. First you should know that what lever she says and rants against you she’s doesn’t mean it seriously she’s sick   BPD people regret after ranting and cursing that’s when they get into depression, so when you hear her cursing think of her saying good words and how of a handsome person you are. Because that’s the was a BPD person gives compliments. Next.know that she’s sick and she seeing mean what she says against you.  Also after married long you sure know the triggers. Try to avoid that art all costs.  Also never argue because you’ll always go in circles and she’ll bring up stupid stuff from many years ago. Stay strong brother.

[mitten]

I don't have any advice you haven't already heard, but just wanted to applaud you for being kind and sticking it for 30 years, always trying to do the right thing, even when she didn't.   I've been with my uBPD spouse for less than half that time and I do worry about what the future holds, especially when we're empty nesters in 15 years.  How will she behave then, etc. 

I'm now realizing I still struggle a lot with the O part of FOG (Obligation).  I feel a heavy sense of obligation for everything and she uses that against me all the time to manipulate me to do what she wants (certain vacations, how we celebrate birthdays, how much I do for the kids, etc).  It burns me out and it's hard for me to even put a 40 hour week of work in because of it. 

I guess the only advice I can maybe say is- set as many boundaries as you can and consider ANYTIME she acts out of line part of her BPD sickness.  I use it to basically explain everything my wife does and it seems to make everything less confusing for me.  People in "normal" relationships don't get the "privilege" of doing this, because they likely have more part in the problem.  With BPD, I can confidently say that it's all her fault (, somewhat of an exaggeration I know, I'm a people pleaser which got me in this situation in the first place).