Last Chance

[Anon guy 47]

Hello,  I've been with my wife for 16 years and things are not getting better no matter how many books I read or videos I watch.  She used to stay mad for a day or 2 then get back to normal but recently the hate persists for weeks, currently on week 3.  We have 1 15yr old son and a 21yr old daughter living with us.  The kids know mom has anger issues and try to talk to her about it.  Mom agrees and says she will do better but after 5 mins with me she goes nuts .   

I'm looking for advice on how to get her to go to a therapist, I've tried everything I could from the books etc.. to get her to go with me.  She agreed last year after a month long anger bout but a few days later changed her mind and said that I was the problem, its a never ending spiral. 

She tells her family that I am the problem and they of course take her side even though I never tell them how she really is unless its at the point of me about to call the cops then I'll tell her sister to call her and calm her down.   

I was diagnosed with depression 6 years ago before I discovered what BPD was then after learning about it and that her attacks aren't personal I slowly got better but due to the increased anger over the past year I feel myself falling back into it again and am worried about my mental and physical health,  I love her and wish she could be normal but I've reached the point where I'm realizing that I am basically killing myself slowly just to stay in this relationship.

I know ultimatums aren't recommended with BPD but at this point I feel like it is either that or divorce.  I was thinking about sitting down with the kids and her sister and explain everything I have gone through and how empty I am and let them know that I am willing to work on the marriage but only if she agrees to go with me to get help. 

Or maybe send them my post from last year on here that lays it all out.  I know If I don't at least talk to the kids then she will convince them that is was all my fault and that I never made her happy. 

I really don't want to involve the kids and her sister but I feel like it is the strongest way for her to get help (from those she loves and puts ahead of me) and besides a divorce will have them all involved anyways asking why etc... so either way they will find out.

I don't know how to proceed from this point so looking for advice

[ForeverDad]

In summary, you've found that the 15 years of marriage has resulted in a failure to turn around the downward direction of the relationship.  This is a pattern often seen with the more serious cases of BPD behaviors.  Even with your concerted efforts to redirect with improved communication skills, time tested strategies, better boundaries and more, it is still in a downward trend.  Then what?

Others, family and children, can't really turn things around either.  (And you don't want to involve the minor children in adult issues.)

The goal is to have meaningful therapy so your spouse can implement it in her perceptions, thinking and behavior.  But common BPD traits sabotage that goal... denial, blaming, blame shifting, projection, etc.

You've tried, you really have.  At some point you wonder whether the marriage has become a lost cause.  It may be time to consider whether the relationship can or should continue.  Is that what you're afraid to admit to yourself?

Many here have "been there, experienced that".  It was a dark tunnel, so to speak, but we came out the other end and life transformed to a large degree from dysfunctional and unhealthy to functional and healthy.  There was a cost, though, and it wasn't easy.  Weigh the pros and cons and decide accordingly.

[EConejo]

This all sounds so familiar to me. Things for me were coming to a head. The situation was affecting me too much physically and mentally. So, I finally told my adult children, family and yes, in-laws, everything. At the risk of him being labeled, I also told them he has bpd, and educated them on it.
Doing so was a massive relief. And I feel like they will be there for me, even if he starts to tell them hurtful or untrue things about me.
Also, he'd never gotten anywhere with therapy attempts, but I got him to go to couples therapy. It had to be his decision to make the first appointment (which took awhile) or it wouldn't have worked.
My secret reason for going was not for our marriage, but for him to get help, and it worked! Somehow, the therapist knew this and immediately began working through his childhood issues, which seems to be the core to his bpd. It's actually been a good thing to see the real him again for a bit. He seems to take off his mask while he's there and for a day or two afterwards.
I hope this helps you in some way.

[ForeverDad]

There is a difference between informing the children in an age appropriate way about circumstances and possible mental health issues that cannot be ignored or hidden versus involving the kids in the adult conflict.

If you can get the kids into counseling then that would be one way for the kids to have independent input to help them manage everything.  One problem is that counselors often require both parent to agree to sessions since they don't want lawsuits or complaints to licensing boards.  If your spouse does refuse to agree to kids' counseling then you can always ask the school counselors to see determine how much they can assist the kids while at school.  If/when you do file to end the marriage, you can petition the court to allow counseling.  As my lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling!"

Yes, I admit this post does not address getting your spouse to start or thereafter even continuing therapy.  The consensus here in peer support is that we can't fix those in our close relationships.  Unless the individual herself/himself wants and decides to seek therapy, then success, especially long term success, is unlikely.  The mental health issues and perceptions are that ingrained in oneself.

[Anon guy 47]

I don't want to "involve" the kids, I just want to let them know what is going on.  Fortunately I have been able to shield them when the devil comes out, mom doesn't really show it to them although they can feel it and know mom is in a bad mood, I am the target and I take all the hate and aggression. 

I am a quiet person and tend to keep to myself so I rarely argue or fight back, I just stay quiet and deal with it on my own.  I just don't want everyone to think that she is an angel and I am the bad guy in the relationship not that I care what they think but I believe if there is no awareness about a problem then there will never be any chance for her to get better, sort of like the school bully whose parents think is an angel until he ends up in jail.  If they knew beforehand then maybe they could have done something about it and avoided the worst case scenario if that makes sense.