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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: What do I tell my kids about this custody fight?  (Read 680 times)
AlleyOop23
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married/living together
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« on: May 30, 2025, 02:27:57 AM »

Filed for divorce about a year ago. Wife refused to get a lawyer and now I am working with my lawyers to move to complete the divorce as a default. It’s going slow because I’m getting everything valued and trying to get everything split up pretty close to fair in case my wife ever decides to reopen the case.

That’s all context for this: I have a 50-50 custody order and it’s been followed for a little over a year. Recently, my kids had corrective surgery on their knees at the same time. Don’t worry not serious all good now I agreed that we would team up and have the kids stay at my wife’s to recover now that’s over and my wife is refusing to cooperate in going back to the schedule. My attorneys are not concerned that I am in any way currently set up to have the custody order altered based on this short term deviation for which there is in the court’s eyes a very good reason. However, if it went on long enough, it would eventually be an issue.

I’ve tried and this isn’t gonna be solved by talking. My wife has four or five different justifications for why the kids should only live with her and she is absolutely convinced of her own correctness. Our kids are almost 13 YOF and almost 15 YOF.

I’m not gonna go in and put the kids in the middle and make a big stink which could turn awful. Tell them to go upstairs and pack. They’re coming to my house instead I’m gonna have to retreat for a week or two while my lawyers go to court and get an order directing the police to intervene. No idea at this point if my wife will actually let it go that far.

While I am away from the home, how do I explain this to them without splitting, without sounding like I’m blaming the entire thing on their mother or without sounding like I’m intentionally trying to create an issue or resentment between them and the mother?

I’m starting to feel self-conscious in the story of my kids childhood it’s gonna be “my parents were pretty effed up“ and that I’m lump in there.

Also, my kids are complaining that they are being kept in the dark about what’s happening. My 13-year-old wishes I would move back in and give counseling a try in the small part because she’s worried about her mother. My 15-year-old wonders why the heck her sister would even think that and when is this damn divorce going to get back on track?


I don’t wanna just pile on them and say well your mother‘s decided that she’s contesting a court order so I’m gonna have to go get the cops to intervene and get you back to my house. In the meantime I won’t see you though. I miss you and love you. That would be the truth, but somehow I don’t think it positions them best for having relationship with their mother.
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kells76
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« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2025, 09:45:43 AM »

Glad your kids are doing well and the surgeries weren't too serious.

That’s all context for this: I have a 50-50 custody order and it’s been followed for a little over a year. Recently, my kids had corrective surgery on their knees at the same time. Don’t worry not serious all good now I agreed that we would team up and have the kids stay at my wife’s to recover now that’s over and my wife is refusing to cooperate in going back to the schedule. My attorneys are not concerned that I am in any way currently set up to have the custody order altered based on this short term deviation for which there is in the court’s eyes a very good reason. However, if it went on long enough, it would eventually be an issue.

Couple of logistical questions, just so I understand the situation better...

Was the agreement in writing (email, text, etc)?

Was there a specific agreed-upon end date, or just "when recovered"?

Is your kids' mom asserting that the kids are not recovered yet?

Are the kids still in school, or has summer break started?
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Notwendy
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« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2025, 09:47:24 AM »

From my own experience as a teen, I could see the conflicts between my parents- so I did want some kind of truthful answers to my questions and at the same time, I had no idea what a marriage and divorce involved. BPD mother did confide in me (this was parentification) and I did give advice (similar to your kids- either work it out or get divorced already)  from my own teen view but in retrospect- this was a part of the dysfunction- a teen ager is not responsible for their parents' marriage or divorce.

So while teens are not aware of the complications of adult relationships we are still aware that something is going on. It didn't help to have the situation glossed over or minimized. We saw what we saw.

As to trying to avoid being included in the "my parents are effed up" narrative- well - all relationships involve both people. Neither parent is a complete villain and neither are they blameless. Also keep in mind that teens tend to be critical of their parents at this age but as they get older, their perspective matures too.

I agree with not wanting to frame their mother in a bad light. Over the long run though- each parent is responsible for their own relationship with their children and as the child gets older, it becomes more like adult-adult- with each person being a contribution to the relationship.  The children's relationship with their mother is also going to be formed over time according to her relationship skills.

I am not a professional but from my own experience, I would have liked some truthful explanation for what is going on, but one directed at my feelings and concerns and that isn't TMI. I think you can reassure your kids that no matter what, their parents are still their parents and that you love them and want the best outcome for everyone. Then say "there are aspects of divorce that are complicated, and private, and are adult matters" and that they are sometimes difficult ones. Then say there are some terms that need to be worked out in the next few weeks. If they want to know more, they will ask more questions. Be as truthful as possible but redirect to them. It may be more like "will we be in the same school? Will we still see our friends" than details about you and your stbx wife.



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Notwendy
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« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2025, 09:52:41 AM »

To add- my parents did not get divorced but there were conflicts and BPD mother threatened it frequently- so it was discussed when we were teens. As far as I know, neither of my parents made actual plans to get divorced and the threats were made by BPD mother. The conflict and dysfunction were very obvious to us as teens, we knew something was going on and, so inevitablty we'd ask questions.
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AlleyOop23
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« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2025, 06:31:28 PM »

Thanks notwendy I used this advice already to give them a reason why I wouldn’t be around and a bit of what was going on.

Kells the agreement wasn’t in writing it was just we’ll do the recovery at her house. 

She’s saying that living in one house with her full time is better for them. So she’s keeping it this way. She acknowledges I can go to court and enforce it. It’s weird.

They start summer vacation shortly.
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ForeverDad
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Relationship status: separated 2005 then divorced
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #5 on: June 01, 2025, 09:38:30 AM »

No, you know she's not realistic, well probably not since one can never predict 100% what court may decide.  It surely won't grant her what she wants but it might allow her to get majority time - and you relegated to alternate weekends - since that is more likely with teen children.  The sooner you get a return to the prior pattern, the better.

Essentially it's a bluff, entitlement too, sort of a Hail Mary since you opened the door by weakening your previous Boundary of equal time.  Another lesson we learn the hard way that consideration and kindness aren't reciprocated when dealing with BPD traits.

The fact that summer break is here may not necessarily be a deciding factor for mother's benefit.  I recall that when I moved up from equal time to majority time, thank school teachers willing to testify, I got what I sought but for whatever reason the magistrate left summer at equal time.

Be aware that the sooner you file to get the prior schedule reinstated, the better.  It can be a month or more for many courts to start hearings in response to petitions and motions.  And beware that your stbEx may try to get continuances to later dates to delay action even more.  Hopefully, with legal action pending, she may relent and agree to return to equal time sooner.

A word about temp orders... My impression - my experience too - is that courts and lawyers are quite reluctant to modify them unless absolutely necessary.  (After all, supposedly they're only "temporary".)  I had multiple reasons to contest my temp order but it lasted relatively unscathed for two entire years until the final decree.

Does your temp order or the court's policies allow vacations during temp orders?  Don't think you can't take a week or two off with the kids to take a vacation, just avoid planning a vacation on a mother's holiday time.  (In your case, nothing too vigorous for the teens' recovery.)  Likely the temp order itself may not mention those details but likely your local court does have a structured guideline posted on its website that does.  Mine lists several categories.
  • possible schedules for very young children, school age children and older teens
  • alternating every possible holiday or child's birthday event (strike out whatever does not apply)
  • time away (vacation) 2 or 3 weeks per calendar year with a maximum of 1 or 2 weeks at a time

Lastly, older teens, especially ones who can drive, are sometimes know to "vote with their feet".
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