life issues

[BPDstinks]

I am just full of questions this week!  Can anyone advise how they handle this (if at all), my 24 y/o pwBPD rents an apartment; back when we "spoke" I co-signed for her; for 3 years, I continued co-signing: I get an email asking if "I" want to renew; I text her, she says yes; this year, I sent "the" text 3x, with ZERO response; she is in contact with my mother (I try to keep my mother out of things, because it is stressful, but....I NEEDED to know); my mother says pwBPD does not want to renew; so, I am ignoring the emails; THAN I get several phone calls from pwBPD auto shop, because she had work done on her car & apparently owes them money; well....I texted, etc.. NO response; I have enough trouble managing my OWN life problems: I am confused...do I continue to ask pwBPD or ignore (problem is, foolishly my name is ON these items) I am very tempted to take pwBPD off of my insurance (insert facetious tone) what is the worst she can do, NOT speak to me.  Sometimes I cannot believe this is my reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

I assume this is auto insurance since the car shop called you?

IMHO, (and my pwBPD is a parent so not quite the same situation) - I'd fall back on my 12 step co-dependency work about enabling vs helping. When we are enabling we are likely to feel resentful. Not so much when helping.

Considering the pwBPD has cut off communication, what I think would happen is that- as long as you continue to finance them, without them even speaking to you, your resentment and hurt will increase.

In 12 steps we learn to look at our own feelings and take responsibility for them. We can't change another person. If you are doing something and feeling resentment after that, this is a cue to you to stop doing it.

You asked about the apartment renewal- no response- then no more co-signing any leases.

For the car, it's a bit more complicated because if you are the primary insurer, it could be possible you are going to be held liable for the car repairs. So the next step is to take care of what you are responsible for. Then don't continue to keep her on your insurance. However, consider the policy. For the apartment, the lease is up for renewal so this is the time to not sign. For car insurance, often one gets billed every 6 months. I don't know where you are in the billing cycle. I also don't think it's the best idea to cut off someone's car insurance abruptly and then leave them uninsured. For this one, I'd give her time to come up with her own policy. Something like a text " I was notified of the car repair bills. I need to let you know that the car insurance bill will come up in 2 months. At this time, I will no longer keep you on my policy. This should be enough time for you to find a policy of your own.

Is the car in your name? You may need to have it in her name for her to have her own policy. If it's mainly being used by her, it's hers anyway.

First get yourself to a calm place. If you are doing this out of anger and reactivity- this isn't the best emotional place to do this. I think considering a plan is a good idea. This is the best time to not co-sign the lease. The time to take her off car insurance may be when the next bill is due and the car is placed in her name if it isn't already. This will take some paperwork but it's possible the two of you don't have to do this together, or your mother may be willing to act as intermediate. It mainly means handing the deed to her and some paperwork.

[Notwendy]

The other side of this is to wait until you feel calm and not decide on the insurance immediately. If you know she can not manage getting her own and are going to be concerned about her driving uninsured, then know you are keeping her insured for your own peace of mind. That is important to. It's not only about what we do- it's the reasoning - that makes a difference too. If insuring her gives you some sense of safety- then keep it.

[BPDstinks]

Thank you for the excellent advice!  I did NOT sign the lease!  It was very hard (I am just frustrated (among other things) she would NOT respond (I have asked since March 2025, when I received the emails) it was hard, but, my therapist also advised NOT signing

As for the car, she LEASES a car, however, it is in HER name (and, I researched, she is not living in my house, so, I have little control.  I think she drops off my policy in January 2025, because she turns 25!

So frustrating!

[Notwendy]

I think that's a good solution. (Jan 2026). It's not based on your feelings in the moment or hers- if she speaks to you or not. It's a natural transition for a grown child- to age out of their parents' insurance.

The lease was a clear decision. She didn't seem to want you to cosign so you didn't. Car insurance is not as clear a boundary. Many young adults transition to adulthood in steps, due to education or other starting positions. They may not be able to afford being 100% financially independent all at once. A car is necessary to have employment so while a parent may support the car- it's because it's a path to financial independence and the goal is for the child to take over the cost at some point.

If you stopped it, she'd have no transportation to get to work and the goal is for her to get to work.

However, there needs to be an expected time for the adult child to assume the costs. Jan 26 sounds like a good plan. It doesn't depend on any emotions or communication. It just is the age and the time.

I understand that BPD can affect this maturation process, but in the situation where the child has cut communcation with the parent, I think they themselves have established the time. Now, she may decide to contact you again but your part will be to decide if sincerely is taking steps to make changes for herself. She would need to show some self motivation. It also depends on your feelings and if you would feel resentment helping her.

I think the Jan 26 plan in place- gives her time for notice so she can take steps to get her own insurance by then- regardless of whether or not she's communicating or doing self work.

[BPDstinks]

Thank you!  I am in therapy with a therapist specializing in "parents on children (adults) with BPD) from the start I am not RESENTFUL (though, we talk, in depth of, transactional relationships; (i.e. I should not buy you a pair of shoes, with the expectation, you will befriend me or do ME a favor); I am truly befuddled by the series of events, however, at the end of the day (she was threatening suicide or hospitalized every time you turned around" (I admit, there are days I DO feel resentful (i.e. she just ABANDONED her dog (turns out her dog has diabetes, etc. and I ADORE that dog but, this is expensive and time consuming) in any case, THIS is better than "the" alternative!  I think ANY parent's goal should be there child be happy....I really DO feel (though, it is mentally painful!) I would rather she be happy without me, than unhappy!

[Notwendy]

Thank you!  I am in therapy with a therapist specializing in "parents on children (adults) with BPD) from the start I am not RESENTFUL (though, we talk, in depth of, transactional relationships; (i.e. I should not buy you a pair of shoes, with the expectation, you will befriend me or do ME a favor); I am truly befuddled by the series of events, however, at the end of the day (she was threatening suicide or hospitalized every time you turned around" (I admit, there are days I DO feel resentful (i.e. she just ABANDONED her dog (turns out her dog has diabetes, etc. and I ADORE that dog but, this is expensive and time consuming) in any case, THIS is better than "the" alternative!  I think ANY parent's goal should be there child be happy....I really DO feel (though, it is mentally painful!) I would rather she be happy without me, than unhappy!

Of course, every parent wants to see their child happy and having their own independent life. Bittersweet in a way, because as much as we want them to be independent, it also means them going their own way. At this point, the relatioship is more like one between adults than parenting a child and it depends on both people. You can only do your side of this.

However, as much as we want our children to be happy- they are also responsible for their own happiness. It's not possible to make anyone happy- we can treat people nicely- but they still choose to be happy or not. From my own experience, we wished for my BPD mother to be happy but her happiness was influenced by her BPD and how she perceived others.

When I was a teen, my BPD mother blamed me for her issues. This was more her perception than reality but I actually believed that when I went away to college, she'd be happy and my parents would be happy. This wasn't true- as a sibling confirmed, the same issues were going on at home after I left. I don't believe in a second that your D is happy without you, even if she thinks it at the
moment. Don't do this to yourself. You have much more self worth and value- even if your D doesn't recognize it at the moment. I don't know why she feels she needs to not be in contact with you and hope that one day she sees things differently.

As to the dog, if he has care needs and she can't handle him- having him in a good home is the best thing for him, even if it happened this way.

[BPDstinks]

The part about self-worth had me in TEARS!  Thank you for the KIND words; I admit, when pwBPD was first diagnosed, I went through tons of pictures and thought, "how did I miss THIS" (still don't know, though, I now realize there were SIGNS) so....that means so much to me, because, I HAVE decided I need to keep a hold of my own mental health, in all of this! I hope all is well YOUR way

[Notwendy]

I HAVE decided I need to keep a hold of my own mental health, in all of this! I hope all is well YOUR way

Yes, you do and keep at it. From my own experience- your D's behavior is driven by her own emotions. It's not that she isn't thinking of you- it's that her own feelings take all of her focus. You can focus on your own well being.

Things are OK on my end, thanks. We all are a work in progress!

[BPDstinks]