Feeling invaded

[MangoTree5]

Hi all,

I am looking for support in how to show up to my usual spaces when it feels like my ex  has been showing up to those spaces as well, and I'm feeling intimidated/kind of fearful.
 
My ex said they believed they have BPD, and last we spoke was in therapy. The relationship was really tumultuous. It felt like most of how I showed up/what I did was offensive or wrong, and yet I believed a vision the person conveyed that our love was precious and rare. I am co-dependent and really allowed for my boundaries to be eroded, sacrificing a lot of self-care & sleep trying to be "enough." In the last two weeks of our relationship, the vibe totally shifted and I felt like I was interacting with a person who hated me. They broke a relationship agreement that they had set in our relationship, by getting physical with someone else, so I broke things off. The break up was nasty, and they told about how surprised they were that I never noticed how tumultuous our relationship was and what things I did that caused them to feel so detatched. It really hurt.

After the breakup, we texted a bit about what had happened. I felt an urgency to try to repair the relationship in some way, but eventually after my ex suggested they wanted me back, my intuition told me it wouldn't be a good idea to try repairing things. So I eventually told them over the phone I wasn't interested in trying to repair our relationship romantically, and also that I didn't feel like I could focus right now on trying to be friends/amicable. They seemed understanding on the phone, and I thought that was it. It wasn't.

What followed was a terrible time of hateful messages sent to me on multiple platforms, dialing *69 to circumvent the fact that I'd eventually blocked them, telling me they left a letter that "wasn't all nice" on my car door (which must have gotten snatched, I never got it), and showing up at spaces that I'm highly likely to be in -- including a class for a subject I'm really passionate about. One of the last messages I received from them, they asked me not to come to a certain meeting day for a support group they know I attend, because they're attending now. I historically meet on another day, but most of my community from that meeting has gone to the meeting I was asked not to attend (which I was planning to this summer.)  Whether they knew that or not, it seriously stung. This was all last month.

I have stayed away from that space, as well as some of my favorite spaces, because their actions have made me feel nervous.  Based off of previous life experiences -- whether my fear is justified or not -- I am worried about their anger escalating. Luckily it's been almost a month since I heard from them.

The details of some of these actions, they could be coincidences, but it has felt like the person was using spaces I'm generally in to make a point or intimidate me. I'm afraid of participating in the activities that make me happy around town because I don't want to show up and see them there and have it be some kind of invitation to continue the drama/justify the anger.

Does anyone have tips in navigating this? Should I continue to go to the spaces I usually do, and not interact with the person? Or is it best to go find other things I care about to do?

[once removed]

Luckily it's been almost a month since I heard from them.

thats a good sign. the drama may be blowing over.

generally speaking, as soon as possible, we should "attend all the places" - the places that were "couple spots", the places that were "ours", the places we want to go. some avoidance may be necessary if its going to create drama, or if we're still fragile. so, youre wise to do some laying low for a time.

Based off of previous life experiences -- whether my fear is justified or not -- I am worried about their anger escalating.

what do you foresee happening? is this person dangerous?

[seekingtheway]

Hi there and welcome to the boards.

Thank you for sharing your story - it sounds like a tricky ending to the relationship.

I think, to a degree, it's wise to honour your nervous system and not fight against what your body is telling you too much. So if you feel a lot of fear in going to places where you think you might have a run-in, it can help to go with that and just avoid for a while. It doesn't have to be for a long time, and you can keep evaluating as you go, but taking your own safety seriously (even if it's just your perceived safety) can help you to move away from the grain of codependency: do what's right for you, and nobody else.

I have a similar situation with my ex, and I go in waves in terms of what I can handle - some days I feel fine and go to all the places I would normally go to, regardless of whether I think he might be there. Some days, if my nervous system is heightened and I feel a lot of fear or anxiety (which does still happen) then I go easy on myself those days and stay away from places there's a chance he could be around.

The other thing that I've found that has helped is to find new places in my community that are just for me. Even if it's just a different spot on the same beach, a different walking route or a different cafe. So I'm still spending time in my community, getting out and about, refusing to let fear run the show, and I'm trying to create new experiences and new connections.

Have you got any way of still doing the things you love, whilst also creating a sense of protection around you?