husband with BPD traits alienating my kids

[hikermom4]

  my husband has been exhibiting BPD traits for many years. We have been together since high school and married for 25 years.  He has always been short tempered and frequently angered, but it has gotten so much worse in the last decade.  He violently rages and anger is out of control.  I have stayed in the marriage for my 4 children as I acted as a buffer for his rages at them, but now my 18 year old son is doing the same thing to me.  He yells awful things at me and my husband joins in.  They do this over the smallest triggers. When I try to give my opinion on anything they argue and rage.  My husband has become "friends" with my kids and allows them to underage drink, buy guns, ride motorcycles without helmets and do whatever they want.  All things I would never allow, but I can't say anything or I get raged at.  Of course, my kids love this because he has become the "fun" parent and I feel it's to trigger my reaction.   I try to stay calm, and sometimes leave for a short time and have stayed away for a few days.  The issue I'm facing now is that I don't want my other kids (late teens and early 20s) to feel like I'm leaving them.  I don't want to be a mom that leaves her kids, but I feel very unsafe and don't like the things they are saying to me.  They then say terrible things about me to everyone else, including my kids.  My daughter is my oldest and no longer lives at home.  She is finally seeing the dysfunction and tells me how much she hated me as a teen because my husband trashed me to her and tells them all that I am a narcissist and a "nutjob".  I have been in counseling for years, and am working on myself.  My husband and I tried counseling 4 different times together, but he quits when the counselor doesn't just "fix ME".  Each time we start discussing his childhood and abandonment issues he faced with his own mom as a teen, he becomes defensive and says it has nothing to do with OUR relationship.  I'm stuck.  I want to leave and have a safe place to go if I do, but I don't want my kids to hate me.  They will.  Each time I come back to talk after everything calms down, they tell me I'm the problem.  that I should just "shut up".  I can't live like this, but if I leave, the alienation will kill me.  Do I just keep showing up and take the verbal and emotional abuse to save my relationship with my kids or am I allowing them to see and continue the unhealthy patterns and continue this into their own relationships?  I try not to badmouth my husband or son, but when I try to set a boundary on the rage and things said to me, they say I am the problem for starting it.  My husband says I "poke the bear then cry when i get bitten". I ask why he feels he has to be the bear.  He uses the silent treatment to punish me for days or weeks then asks me to go out to dinner randomly like nothing is wrong.  I don't want to be around him at all for fear of outbursts/anger and I don't enjoy walking on eggshells worried I will trigger him and now my son.  my youngest has 2 years of high school left.  should I stay for 2 more years to try to avoid the alienation?  Advice?

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[kells76]

Hi hikermom4 and welcome to the group 

It's really tragic how BPD traits and behaviors can show up in parenting choices that are so destructive to the kids, and because it's coming from a parent, the kids don't see what's going on... or it isn't safe for the kids to admit that a parent is so unhealthy. My husband's kids' mom has many traits of BPD, so I really get what you're saying about the " if you do,  if you don't" dynamic. It's exhausting at best... so we're glad you decided to reach out for some help.

I think I'm tracking with you that of your 4 kids, one has moved out? Is your youngest now 18, or is your youngest child younger (I see that that child still has some HS to finish)? Do the 3 kids still at home have plans to become independent (moving out, working full time, school, volunteering, etc)?

I have been in counseling for years, and am working on myself. 

  That can be a really helpful resource. Do you feel like your counselor understands you and your situation? Has your counselor shared any thoughts or ideas about what to focus on?

when I try to set a boundary on the rage and things said to me, they say I am the problem for starting it.

What does that look like in practice?

Sometimes we have ideas of what boundaries are, that aren't quite on target, and so when the "boundary" doesn't seem to work, it's very disappointing.

It may be that we can help you get a new idea of what true boundaries really are, that could be more helpful, and feel more empowering.

If you want to post some examples of times you've tried to set boundaries, we can definitely work with you on that tool!

Fill us in some more, whenever you have a moment. And again,

-kells76