Hi hikermom4 and welcome to the group

It's really tragic how BPD traits and behaviors can show up in parenting choices that are so destructive to the kids, and because it's coming from a parent, the kids don't see what's going on... or it isn't safe for the kids to admit that a parent is so unhealthy. My husband's kids' mom has many traits of BPD, so I really get what you're saying about the "

if you do,

if you don't" dynamic. It's exhausting at best... so we're glad you decided to reach out for some help.
I think I'm tracking with you that of your 4 kids, one has moved out? Is your youngest now 18, or is your youngest child younger (I see that that child still has some HS to finish)? Do the 3 kids still at home have plans to become independent (moving out, working full time, school, volunteering, etc)?
I have been in counseling for years, and am working on myself.

That can be a really helpful resource. Do you feel like your counselor understands you and your situation? Has your counselor shared any thoughts or ideas about what to focus on?
when I try to set a boundary on the rage and things said to me, they say I am the problem for starting it.
What does that look like in practice?
Sometimes we have ideas of what boundaries are, that aren't quite on target, and so when the "boundary" doesn't seem to work, it's very disappointing.
It may be that we can help you get a new idea of what
true boundaries really are, that could be more helpful, and feel more empowering.
If you want to post some examples of times you've tried to set boundaries, we can definitely work with you on that tool!
Fill us in some more, whenever you have a moment. And again,

-kells76