Feeling so angry

[Dez]

Hi all,

I am writing here as I feel at the end of my tether. I am 7 months pregnant with my first baby and I am really struggling with the relationship with my mother (BPD). She is becoming elderly which is hard enough to navigate but I find myself having so little empathy and compassion and patience with her. I know that she will legitimately have more needs now than before, but because she has been so much for nearly all my life, I feel like I don't have anything left in the pot. She has drained me dry. There is always a problem. She is either unwell or just super anxious and seems to be in a constant state of 'I can't do anything for myself'. It has been up and down all my life, since I was 6 she has been heavily reliant on me and there has been a role reversal. Now she is getting older her child like regressions are getting even worse. I have had a lot of therapy and I understand the dynamics of the relationship and the ways in which she can attention seek and manipulate (even if she doesnt know it herself) but I am struggling more and more. I guess at this time in my life I want a mother  to help me as a I navigate my own motherhood journey but she hasnt got the capacity. I can't help but feel angry.  More than that, I find talking to her so draining and I often do it despite not wanting to because its easier than the digs about 'not bothering with her' if I don't call for even one night. I am an only child and she has no partner - which just strengthens the 'I am on my own' narrative and the expectation that I should therefore be more attending to her because  of this. Anyway, I just feel so angry right now, full of rage which isn't where I want to be at what is an exciting and lovely time in  my life. Every time I ring her my body resists and I feel dread. I cannot connect with her and I also feel really sad about that. I would love to have a good relationship with her and again I feel angry that she is ruining it. When she is 'OK' she can be great fun and I like to spend time with her but she hasn't been that way in a long time, she has been so stuck in this 'poor me' position for so long.  Sometimes I get cross and tell her to pull herself together but really its futile, it might change for a couple of days but then she reverts. The alternative is that she responds like a small child - she actually regresses right in front of me. I cant feel sorry. I just feel so angry - like pull it together woman. FFS. I feel doomed about the future and hopeless and full of rage. I know that many of you might resonate with this and I guess I'm just looking for words of comfort and wisdom. Nobody else sees this and no one can possible comprehend the complexity of her or the dynamic of the relationship unless they really know. My husband sees it now but it has taken a long time for him to really understand it.  Sorry for the rant.

[zachira]

You are looking for words of comfort and wisdom about how to deal with your feelings about your mother with BPD. First of all, you are not alone. There are many of us on this site, who have had to come to terms with the fact that the roles with our mothers are reversed and we are supposed to take care of their overwhelming feelings with no regard for how we feel or how we are affected. Do look at the posts of Methuen who is an only child with a mother with BPD. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Being pregnant is often the time, when a daughter may become more aware of a need to protect herself and her child from a mother with BPD.

[Notwendy]

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

I've posted this article several times and just did on another thread. Even if circumstances differ in some ways, I think the author describes her feelings and the dilemma of feeling the need to help a BPD mother while also maintaining boundaries and protecting our own selves and family.

[peachpie]

Congratulations on your pregnancy, you're right it's an exciting and lovely time. I'm sorry to hear it's tinged with so much struggle.

I feel the same way about wanting to have a good relationship with my uBPD mom. It's really painful to not have someone so vital in my life. For you, this should be a time when your mom pours out love on you, not doubles down on her neediness and regression. It makes sense that a big change on the horizon -- a new baby, less focus on her -- would start to ramp up those behaviors that attempt to bring you closer. But just because it makes sense doesn't mean it makes it any easier to experience.

I'm not sure that I have words of wisdom, but hopefully it might comfort you to know that I know exactly how you feel. It really sucks.