Breaking up with fiancé

[doopywoo]

I have decided to break up with my pwBPD of 3.5 years. I know this is the right decision, but I am feeling guilty about it for a number of reasons.

I proposed to him just about 4 months ago. Since then, the emotional turmoil and abuse has become too much, and I can no longer handle the pressure of being his only support system. Just the other day, I gave him an ultimatum that either he seeks treatment soon or we break up. After some waffling he said he would seek treatment, but he has barely talked to me since, saying he will never again tell me how he feels. Every attempt at a conversation has been met with indifference or anger.

I now realize that I do not want to be in this relationship, regardless of whether or not he seeks treatment. I am tired and have felt trapped for some time. This is my first relationship ever; I was only 20 when we met, and I feel like I did not get a chance to grow as an individual and figure out what I want in life before getting swept up in the intensity and chaos of our relationship.

I feel guilty for changing my mind about the engagement and the ultimatum. I feel I have made a messy situation messier. He has expressed that the past month has been extra difficult for his mental health, and I am worried that breaking up could push him over the edge. However, I don't think delaying the inevitable would be any better.

I am unsure of what to do right now. I am leaning towards having the conversation today. We have a trip planned for this weekend, which I think could be disastrous.

I'm in need of some advice and/or validation here. I don't want to cause him any more pain than necessary.

[kells76]

So sorry to hear about this painful time in your life. You wanted this relationship to work for years, you two have shared positive memories, not just negative ones, and yet it's become clear to you that this can't go on. Really hard stuff.

Just the other day, I gave him an ultimatum that either he seeks treatment soon or we break up. After some waffling he said he would seek treatment, but he has barely talked to me since, saying he will never again tell me how he feels. Every attempt at a conversation has been met with indifference or anger.

I now realize that I do not want to be in this relationship, regardless of whether or not he seeks treatment.

Sounds like even with the guilt you feel, you also have a lot of clarity about your boundaries (rules for yourself), and it sounds like a rule for yourself is: I am able to be in relationships where my partner is actively in treatment; I don't choose to be in relationships with a partner with untreated mental health challenges.

Having a true boundary doesn't mean that life then feels great and we won't have difficult feelings like guilt. Having boundaries is often uncomfortable. There will still be conflict and problems, but boundaries protect us from the fallout.

I feel guilty for changing my mind about the engagement and the ultimatum. I feel I have made a messy situation messier. He has expressed that the past month has been extra difficult for his mental health, and I am worried that breaking up could push him over the edge. However, I don't think delaying the inevitable would be any better.

I have a big struggle with feeling like "it's never the right time" to talk about my feelings with others. I am a pro at coming up with reasons to delay difficult conversations. "The kids are with us later today, so I shouldn't say anything that will make my H distracted". "My H just told me he had a bad day at work, so maybe I'll tell him how I feel tomorrow, not today". "H just got a mean email from his kids' mom... there's no way I can also tell him that he did something hurtful to me".

We can always find a reason not to say something, or to delay saying something, when we are struggling with our own feelings.

That's not to say that there aren't truly bad times -- if a partner is going in for surgery and you have already offered to help with recovery for a set time... that's kind of the level of "OK, hold on for 10 days and then have the conversation". If you two are in a car crash, that's not the right time to have a breakup conversation, and that's an assessment based in reality.

That being said -- when BPD is in the mix, it may "feel" like it's never the right time, but that's different from "not the right time" based in reality (like the above examples).

Another thought is that it might be more of an announcement versus a conversation or dialog, because it's not like you're waffling and he might say something that would totally change your mind. Not that you won't listen to him for a set amount of time (I don't see a reason for a breakup announcement interaction to go on for 6 hours, for example...), but this isn't a "let's change each other's minds" conversation, fundamentally (as far as I can read in your post).

I am unsure of what to do right now. I am leaning towards having the conversation today. We have a trip planned for this weekend, which I think could be disastrous.

I'm in need of some advice and/or validation here. I don't want to cause him any more pain than necessary.

I am assuming that if you had the discussion today, you would not go on the trip with him this weekend?

Can you remind me if the two of you live together?

Do you have plans for moving out, or would you hope that he would move out?

He will be in pain because breakups are painful. He may struggle with that pain because of BPD traits. He may say it's the worst pain he's ever felt, and he may say or do dysfunctional things or make low-skill attempts to manage his pain. Are you concerned that he will threaten suicide?

What info would you want to share with him, where you would feel like you gave him helpful resources to manage his own pain (if he chooses to use those resources)? What plan would you want for yourself, for if/when you hear him say extreme statements about what he will do?

[once removed]

I'm in need of some advice and/or validation here.

okay.

I now realize that I do not want to be in this relationship, regardless of whether or not he seeks treatment. I am tired and have felt trapped for some time.

there isnt really any arguing with that. its as valid as can be.

as Kells said, that doesnt preclude guilt on your end, or pain on his (or yours). the best, healthiest, decisions are often the hardest. often, the price of good mental health is is pain today, for peace tomorrow.

I am unsure of what to do right now.

generally speaking, and in this particular case, its probably best to "rip off the bandaid", make your intentions crystal clear, leave no hope/doors open, and to do it free of blame or shame.

in terms of easing his pain, it may help, within reasonable limits, to answer questions he might have, to be a sounding board for his hurt/frustration (let him vent), but with the understanding that you cant help him heal from this, and also not subject yourself to outright abuse. you can soften the blow, to an extent, while also shielding yourself from any blows coming your way.

[doopywoo]

Thank you Kells and once for the support.

So, I tried to break up with him the day I posted. Unfortunately, he begged, and I caved. Now, 2 weeks later, I am more certain that I need to break up with him.

I’ve realized that it has little to do with him or his BPD. I am simply not ready for this committed of a relationship. I feel I have always acted like a passive observer in my own life, and being in such a close relationship makes it too easy to default to what he wants and “go with the flow”. I need to reclaim my agency and learn to listen to what I want, and I know I need to be single for a while in order to do so.

This is the hardest thing I’ve done. The anxiety is making me physically sick. I need to get it over with and announce my decision today.

We live together. I pay the rent, so he will probably move in with his parents. I don’t think he will be suicidal.

[kells76]

It's very normal for relationships at an end not to have a "clean break". This can be a feature, not a bug, of a relationship drawing to a close. So it makes sense that you chose to give it two more weeks. There's nothing to judge either way about that -- it was what it was and it's not uncommon.

Getting insight into yourself and what you need is important. I wonder if it also ties in to what you might need both soon after, and long term after, the breakup -- some professional or third party support, perhaps from a therapist or counselor.

Where do you think would be a good idea to have that conversation? Is there a public place (park, coffee shop) that could work? Some persons can make the breakup conversation work at home, though it's not for everyone.

What do you think you will need after having that conversation? Support for yourself? Time alone? Someone to call and talk to? Other resources?

We'll be here for you on your journey 

[doopywoo]

I told him at home. We had a long emotional conversation. Lots of crying. Very sad. He understands. I called my mom for a bit. Now we’re sitting and watching a show. It’s very hard. He doesn’t want to be alone rn. Idk how much comfort to give him vs space to give myself. I know I shouldn’t try to be responsible for his feelings, but it’s hard.

[doopywoo]

We’re calling it an ‘open break’. I love him and our relationship. It felt like I killed something beautiful. I think we both need time alone to heal and grow, and we can try again in the future.

I don’t know if that’s the smart or healthy thing to do, but it feels right. I don’t want to string him along or leave him as a back up. It was his idea. He said he wouldn’t be dating anyone for a long time anyways. I definitely don’t want a serious relationship with anyone else for a long while, just casual dating.

It’s all so complicated... The grief comes in waves. It’s so hard seeing him in pain.

[HoratioX]

We’re calling it an ‘open break’. I love him and our relationship. It felt like I killed something beautiful. I think we both need time alone to heal and grow, and we can try again in the future.

I don’t know if that’s the smart or healthy thing to do, but it feels right. I don’t want to string him along or leave him as a back up. It was his idea. He said he wouldn’t be dating anyone for a long time anyways. I definitely don’t want a serious relationship with anyone else for a long while, just casual dating.

It’s all so complicated... The grief comes in waves. It’s so hard seeing him in pain.

Calling off the engagement is the right thing to do.  You may want to take an "open break," but in the end, I'd still say calling it off is the right thing to do.

Someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) requires significant therapy and treatment to improve -- and even then, the odds are not in their favor. Yes, they can get better. Yes, they can go into remission. But that's not as common as people like to believe.

On this board and elsewhere, you will read many of the same stories. We meet someone who seems like "the one." Who "completes us." It's a whirlwind of emotions. It's incredible sex and intimacy. It feels so right, we have a hard time accepting in the face of all that says otherwise it's wrong.

At that point, we get a choice. We can continue in a relationship that is at heart toxic -- we can become codependent -- or we can get out of that relationship, deal with our own trauma, and hopefully heal and move on.

It's painful. It may even seem impossible. But exiting a toxic relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself. It may even be the best thing you can do for the other person. And while I don't recommend going back to that person, the truth is we don't know what the future holds. They could well get therapy and work very hard to go into remission. But you can visit that possibility later. For now, maintaining your boundaries and avoiding the toxicity is, to me, a wise move. It's something to be applauded.

[doopywoo]

Thank you for your perspective, HoratioX. I am proud of myself for leaving a toxic relationship. I do not plan on returning to a toxic relationship.

My hope is that after a couple of years (or more) apart, we will both have grown enough to be able to restart the relationship and continue to grow together. I am optimistic that he is self aware and motivated enough to get better, and that some time apart will strengthen my sense of self enough to avoid toxic cycles. He plans to do DBT therapy, and I have an appointment with a therapist soon.

I also accept that it may not work out that way, and that is okay. I will do what is best for me.

[once removed]

We’re calling it an ‘open break’. I love him and our relationship. It felt like I killed something beautiful. I think we both need time alone to heal and grow, and we can try again in the future.

I don’t know if that’s the smart or healthy thing to do, but it feels right. I don’t want to string him along or leave him as a back up. It was his idea. He said he wouldn’t be dating anyone for a long time anyways. I definitely don’t want a serious relationship with anyone else for a long while, just casual dating.

It’s all so complicated... The grief comes in waves. It’s so hard seeing him in pain.

i dont see an issue in choosing a break, or in staying vs leaving. none of these are "wrong" or inherently unhealthy choices.

generally speaking, and in this particular case, its probably best to "rip off the bandaid", make your intentions crystal clear, leave no hope/doors open, and to do it free of blame or shame.

I have decided to break up with my pwBPD of 3.5 years. I know this is the right decision, but I am feeling guilty about it for a number of reasons.

I proposed to him just about 4 months ago. Since then, the emotional turmoil and abuse has become too much, and I can no longer handle the pressure of being his only support system. Just the other day, I gave him an ultimatum that either he seeks treatment soon or we break up. After some waffling he said he would seek treatment, but he has barely talked to me since, saying he will never again tell me how he feels. Every attempt at a conversation has been met with indifference or anger.

I now realize that I do not want to be in this relationship, regardless of whether or not he seeks treatment. I am tired and have felt trapped for some time. This is my first relationship ever; I was only 20 when we met, and I feel like I did not get a chance to grow as an individual and figure out what I want in life before getting swept up in the intensity and chaos of our relationship.

i do wonder, and think it would be a good idea to consider:

1. how much of this is engulfment fears/cold feet. these are common fears and worries.

2. if breaking up is what you want to do, how much of this is deferring a difficult choice youre not prepared to follow through with. because if that is the case, you may be setting up an even more difficult scenario for both of you down the road.

if either of those sound like they could be, it would probably help to explore in solo therapy, or possibly even some counseling sessions for both of you. you wouldnt have to commit to a full program or commit to the relationship, but it could help to get to the bottom of things.