Controlling behavior getting more intense

[15years]

The controlling behavior is getting worse, and I have started to give in to it routinely. Now, if I try to put my foot down and say no to something, she gives me a look of disappointment and says, "really? Are you going to start that again?". I then gather my thoughts and avoid a fight by giving in, albeit with an expression of discontent. This way, she can control my actions, and I'm still the bad guy.

Another thing is I feel like I lead a double life, I avoid smaller conflicts altogether if possible (like not give her information that could cause a conflict) which could lead to bigger conflicts in the future. It is quite unnerving, almost terrifying to think about.

She views me as a pathological liar, and wants me to get help.

Oftentimes I also avoid conflict by not putting myself in a position of (possibly falsely perceived) guilt.

How do I stop this from continuing to get worse?

[ForeverDad]

I've run out of suggestions.  You've clearly tried most everything in our basket of skills repertoire.  Not that she hasn't done this before, but now she's sabotaging you by twisting things aiming to convince you to feel guilted.

BPD FOG - Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

You've tried to find new ways to bail out your rowboat (your marriage) but she keeps drilling new holes in the bottom for you to worker harder and exhaust yourself bailing endlessly.

In answer to your last question how to stop this from continuing to get worse...
Is it time to finally accept that the adult relationship is irreparable?

[ForeverDad]

I will have to step back - I apologize for not having other alternatives -  and let others explore other ways to help.

[15years]

Thanks and no need to apologize.

I feel I should be getting more used to the struggles and care less, but it's the other way. I feel more scared of conflict instead.

I thought that jealousy wouldn't be that hard if I was innocent but now I have all the signs of a liar even if I tell the truth...

[once removed]

Now, if I try to put my foot down and say no to something, she gives me a look of disappointment and says, "really? Are you going to start that again?"

what is the conflict? what is the something?

wants me to get help.
...
Oftentimes I also avoid conflict

do you think this might be worth getting help for?

[try2heal]

I thought that jealousy wouldn't be that hard if I was innocent but now I have all the signs of a liar even if I tell the truth...

You don't have the signs--your pwBPD sees signs. I went through this so damn often. If I offered up my phone, I probably deleted the messages; if I got angry, I was being defensive; if I said I was innocent, I was guilty; if I let him rage, I was obviously in the wrong.

[HurtAndTired]

I've been where you are at. Making a decision to stand up for yourself and change your life is a hard one to make, especially when you have been beaten down for years and you doubt everything, your self-worth, your own perceptions of reality, you name it. You know exactly what you need to do, but you are clearly not ready to "pull the trigger" on action yet. That's ok. It can't be rushed or forced. You will do it when the time is right for you.

I have found that being a "non" in a relationship with a pwBPD is like being an alcoholic. You know that you are in a bad situation and that it is not sustainable. You know that you need to get help and stop the self-destructive behavior in moments of clarity. However, you will not be able to get help until you are ready for it. You have to really want it and that usually takes hitting a "rock bottom" first. What will  your rock bottom be? For me it was watching my 2 year old son observe his mother abusing his father for me to realize that I had to end the abuse before he started to think that it was what normal adult relationships look like. I didn't have the strength to do it for me, but I sure as hell found the strength to do it for him.

Like some alcoholics, some "nons" will never hit their rock bottom. This is sad, but there is nothing anyone can do to push them into "sobriety" until they are ready. You have all the tools at your disposal. You have read all the books. When you are ready to take action and stand up to the abuse, I think you will be surprised at how much better you feel after getting over the initial discomfort. It is never as bad as we fear it is going to be. Heck, most of us have survived so much worse for so much longer that we are a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for. You are strong. You are capable. You are worth being treated like a human being.

When you are ready to take that first step, let us know how we can help.

[15years]

what is the conflict? what is the something?

do you think this might be worth getting help for?

The something right now has been:
- Social media - she wants me to unfollow women of her choosing... She thinks she's being nice that she even allows me to follow a few of them - people she doesn't think are bad people... And after I have unfollowed, she continues to torture me by accusing me of infidelity for ever being connected to that person...
- Sexuality - She blames me for saying no to sex sometimes, weirdly I find myself loosing even that battle although I am quite reasonable... Also she thinks that masturbation is cheating so that is forbidden... She also thinks I've sexually abused her for our relationship until she put a stop to it... Also, I'm not allowed to find anyone other than her attractive ...
Faithfulness - This is discussed every single day, all the time. She thinks I'm a massive cheater and compulsive liar. I haven't been perfect but I have not cheated traditionally. Watched some porn (not that much) and read erotic short stories (quite a lot) which is the biggest betrayal she can think of.
- Ex girlfriends -- I thought a few years back that I'd be able to put up a boundary that I would refuse to discuss ex's. That's almost a joke now, this is being discussed every day like it's the most normal thing, and she thinks society is crazy to have a positive view on having boy- and girlfriends (straight to marriage is her opinion, even if we didn't do that). My most recent ex was someone I dated 19 years ago now...
- My response to stressful situations - This might be the most recent category that's been added to the list of my wrongs. Things she wants me to promise to never do again -
 Leaving the room/home even in a violent situation, holding her wrists when she attacks me (causes her pain), ending a phone call when I'm at work even if she is screaming at me, raising my voice, saying I have the right to an opinion... aso...


I've slowly begun to try and please her with all this since maybe November 2024 and she doesn't even appreciate because I don't do it perfectly, I get angry so she doesn't feel that I am the real deal. Slowly has made me more:
- Scarred
- Insecure
- Depressed
- Confused
Things I had grew out of has come back. Now I once again view her as a great leader to be terrified of. So I had started to stand up for myself but I've lost my position, she is way too persistent over time. I am so tired of it I don't want to fight anymore. But it only makes it worse.

What started this was me being tired of not deciding on my future. I though that since I don't seem to be able to leave, the decision will be to stay. At first it made me relieved somehow.

Well, this past week has been worse than usual, but also worse than the worst weeks usually are. I feel like she has gained the upper hand, and I haven't even asked for a fight...

On the other hand, I understand that I can be frustrating to be with too and that I have a tendency to not only have eyes for her. But it shouldn't be this bad.

[15years]

I have found that being a "non" in a relationship with a pwBPD is like being an alcoholic.

Hadn't really thought of that but it's a good comparison. Especially the fact that some people live with this until they die, maybe me included.

[15years]

You don't have the signs--your pwBPD sees signs. I went through this so damn often. If I offered up my phone, I probably deleted the messages; if I got angry, I was being defensive; if I said I was innocent, I was guilty; if I let him rage, I was obviously in the wrong.

Thank you for sharing. Same for me.

It's all seems to be about needing to project their feelings on someone else. That's the only explanation that always seems to explain it.

[Notwendy]

Hadn't really thought of that but it's a good comparison. Especially the fact that some people live with this until they die, maybe me included.

It is a good comparison. The dynamics with alcohol addiction in a family are similar to one with BPD.

Behavior analysis applies too. For every behavior, there's a cost and a payoff. The behavior will continue so long as the payoff (benefit) is greater than the cost. It will increase if reinforced.

If you see your wife's behavior is increasing- it's because you continue to appease and enable it. It works for her in some way, meets a need for her. Why would she change her behavior? It's working for her. She has no incentive to do anything different.

Same with you. Because you are continuing your behavior of appeasing her, giving in to her demands, even if they go against your own logic or wishes- somehow this is working for you. Yes, there's a personal and emotional cost to you for your behaviors but for some reason ( and that would be yours to figure out) the result is greater for you than the cost.

Why would someone continue drinking alcohol to excess when the consequences to them affect their family, their health, their livelihood? Because, even high cost behaviors continue when the benefit is still greater.

Hitting bottom is when the cost becomes greater. For an alcoholic, it might be getting very sick, becoming broke, - and at this point, they find the motivation to change. For HurtandTired, hitting bottom was his child seeing him being abused.

I think it's also true that for some people, even though the consequences of appeasement and enabling may be large- they don't "hit bottom" and continue their same behavior which leads to the same results. Change is risky and takes personal work- and each person decides for themselves whether or not to do this. 

[15years]

I think I am quite logical and also creative person. This enables me to come up with solutions so that the effect doesn't make everything crash (hit rock bottom). The solution is often that I see her demands as a way to try a new life style, if she wants me to stop doing something that could be considered a bad habit anyway - I view it as an opportunity to make a healthier choice.

But there is a sense of life becoming more narrow over time. And abuse is abuse no matter what it is about.

[Notwendy]

Looking at this objectively, you can see that the more you appease, the more narrow your world feels and the more your wife's behavior increases. One question to consider is- is it logical to do the same thing over and over and expect different results?

[15years]

Yes but I can't see how I would make it day to day. And I'm not sure I remember what I should do to make it stop either. Not appease... but it's hard to draw that line...

Right now I fear a potential next step is she will want to check my Spotify library and have me "delete" every song with a sexual album cover. Since everything has gone so far, I don't see how I could say no to that without causing chaos.

[Notwendy]

Saying no likely will cause chaos. The choice is between two outcomes. Say no and there's chaos, appease and continue the controlling behavior- which you have seen increases stepwise- appease one thing- then she makes another demand.

I don't have another solution or suggestion. These are my observations of my own parents in this pattern for decades up until my father passed away.  My father also chose appeasement, even if it was at a cost of being controlled. He was a logical person too but his choice was to go along with my mother's emotion driven demands which were illogical.

I also witnessed my mother's abusive behavior towards him and also eventually towards us kids too but the relationship, which seems similar to yours in ways consisted of him sequentially quelling chaos by appeasing my mother's demands. What you see when you quell impending chaos is a temporary lull and then another chaos, and this is the pattern that continued between my parents.

I do know how hard it is to say no to my mother and have seen the consequences of the chaos,  but I have also seen the consequences of serial appeasement. I did have empathy for her and her situation and also for my father in what I considered to be a very difficult situation.

If you are seeking a way- to somehow keep your boundaries and have her not react with chaos, or to appease her and have that be the solution to attain long term calm, then I don't know what that might be.

[Notwendy]

The rationale to maintaining boundaries and saying no is that- initially there's chaos but as the pwBPD learns that their behavior doesn't work for them anymore- they might adapt to the new boundary. Saying no doesn't reinforce or enable it.

But taking that step can be challenging. You know the response to appeasement since you have done it before. It may not work in the long run but in the moment, it can avoid the chaos. The outcome to changing behavior isn't well known or familiar and so there can be fear with trying it. It helps to have support from a therapist. I don't know if you have one who can help you with your decisions.

[seekingtheway]

I haven't read your full story, so I'm so sorry if I'm stepping in here with comments that are missing important parts of your situation or journey, but I just wanted to share with you something that turned the tide with my son. He is neuro-divergent so it's coming from a different axis, but the behaviours are very, very similar to BPD. He has a lot of anxiety and he tries to control everything in his environment as a way of regulating himself. Obviously that has been very hard to live with and has caused all kinds of chaos in the past. It honestly made life feel miserable and impossible for everyone in the house. We sought professional help to give us ideas of how to deal with it, and, as others have suggested here, we found the only way to stop the control from swallowing you whole is to stand up to it.

We put in a series of boundaries and decided ways that we would consistently stand up to certain behaviours, and it did indeed escalate his behaviour for a while, until it settled. It took some time to settle. Many months, not days, and it was pretty hard to hold my nerve in this time, but we chose a strategy and stuck with it.

I remember a conversation with a counsellor once and she told me clearly that in order for my son to feel safe, he needed to know that I was in control of myself and my actions and that I had the situation in hand. And this is what I try and keep in mind always... I try and let him know (even if I'm struggling inside) that I know what I'm doing, these are the boundaries and I'm not going to change my mind. I present strength and consistency to him, but I'm always kind and loving.

Obviously we are talking about adult behaviour in a romantic relationship here, which is different. But I think when people are anxious, overwhelmed, dysregulated and filled with fear, they often respond to that by trying to control what's around them. Enabling her controlling behaviour could be potentially increasing her anxiety, because subconsciously she knows you can't hold her in all of her unravelling and spinning if she's the one holding all the power?

Is it the case that you're worried about her responding to boundaries with chaos that you can't handle, or are you more worried that you'll potentially lose her if you enforce your position?

[seekingtheway]

Wow, I don't know where all the underlining came from there, sorry!