I´m desperate, I feel guilty and need to vent

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, this is going to be a long post, so I´m sorry in advance. I´m going through a breakup and I suspect that my ex has BPD traits although she´s not diagnosed. I stumbled upon all this stuff trying to find some answers and everything started to make more sense. Still, I´m left in emotional pain and extreme guilt, but at the same time I have the feeling that I couldn´t have done anything different to avoid the outcome. I´ll explain what happened from the beginning. I´d be really really grateful if you could tell me your thoughts and whether or not what I´m about to tell sounds familiar to you.

We started dating this past August. This was my first relationship and I´d never felt a connection like this with anyone else before. I was instantly idealized. She said things like "I´ve never felt like this before with anyone else" (this is her 5th relationship), "you´re perfect", "I want to be with you forever", "you´re an unalterable man". I was happy, I felt like my life had more meaning and i genuinely loved her. In late October I went through a rough couple of days due to schoolwork. It takes a toll on me, and so when she asked me I told her how i felt. Then she started to say that she was feeling anxious and nervous. That she didn´t feel ok and seeing me bad was affecting her. The next day she said that she had to leave me, because the relationship was too much, that me being bad was going to impact her in her studies and she couldn´t allow for it. She also said that she felt she wasn´t going to be able the girlfriend that she wanted to be. I tried to talk to her because non of that was true, it was all made up in her mind. I remember at that point she blamed me of not listening to her, being an asshole and selfish because I didn´t see she couldn´t carry on . It´s ironic that she blames me of being selfish when SHE is the one being selfish by breaking up with me because she has to think on herself. She broke up with me.

One month and a half later...

She texted me and said if we could talk. A few days back we were together again. She said she was deeply sorry for what she did to me and thought that I was going to hate her forever. She promised me that it would never happened again. I loved her so I forgave her. This was December.

Everything went fine until February, although there were some things that started to indicate something rough was going on. For example, one night we were on the phone and I had the TV playing in the background. When I hunged up she texted me "there was a voice". I said that it was the TV. She started to feel bad and didn´t believe me. She genuinely thought I was with someone else. The next day she was still sad and I felt bad about myself.

In Febraury one day she asked me about my previous "experiences". This was my first relationship so I told her that, and I also mentioned some other girl I met in the past, eventhough I had nothing with them or even real intentions. I tried to be honest. One girl stood out to her. When my dog died two years ago I kept her ashes and I looked for someone who could make a portrait of her to put it next to the ashes. I found a girl who lived in my same city and I asked her to make the portrait. I met her the day she gave it to me and we had a drink. There was nothing else, I haven´t seen her again ever since. Well, the next day my ex started to ask me for this girl. That why did I mention her, that she was 100% sure that I wanted to PLEASE READ her. She said things like "I´m sorry for not being as slim as her and having more breasts!!", "I don´t care what you do, go and PLEASE READ her now!!". I tried to explain to her what happened but it didn´t work, at all. She said that I was talking in circles and lying. She had already made up her mind that I was attracted to that girl because apparently I was "describing her" all the time. Because in August i once said that fringes are ok and I like curly hair (my ex´s hair is curly). She even said to me "I´m not special for you. You are with me because you don´t want to be alone and I´m the first one that was worked for you". I was desperate as you might imagine. That episode went on for like 5 days. In all those arguments I was the one who had to end up apologizing for doing nothing. She always threatened me with not forgiving me, with me being an asshole that treated her like PLEASE READ. One night she called me crying and yelling saying that why she wasn´t enough for me. I tried to calm her down but she kept blaming me for how she felt. She didn´t let me talk so I got anxious and hunged up. She later called me furious saying that I had let her down when she was needed and all she wanted was me to support her (that´s what I was trying to do). Funny how she can say that when she broke up with me when I told her that I was having a rough time. Anyway, she then said  that she wasn´t going to forgive me for this, that she didn´t want a boyfriend that "abandones" her when she feels bad. I said that it wasn´t fair, that I was able to forgive her when she left me in the past eventhough it deeply hurt me. Then she started crying. The next day we talked and it looked like everything could go back to normal, although she first said that after me saying that she didn´t know if that could happen, after a long conversation where I was broken and emotionally drained, she said "I promise to never do this again, I´ll always be there for you". Later on she brought it up again saying that she felt threatened by me when I said that I forgave her, but i´ll let that for another post.

There´s a lot more but i don´t want it to be too long. I´ll make another post. From that moment I started to walk on eggshells on a regular basis, feeling anxious and questioning my own self and reality. Was it that bad saying that I forgave her when she told me she was never going to forgive me for hunging up the phone once? She hunged up to me like 6 times before that! Those are questions that are still rumbling in my head to this day. I´d be grateful If you could give me your thoughts so far, because I feel guilty.

[NamelessMan]

Hi, this is going to be a long post, so I´m sorry in advance. I´m going through a breakup and I suspect that my ex has BPD traits although she´s not diagnosed. I stumbled upon all this stuff trying to find some answers and everything started to make more sense. Still, I´m left in emotional pain and extreme guilt, but at the same time I have the feeling that I couldn´t have done anything different to avoid the outcome. I´ll explain what happened from the beginning. I´d be really really grateful if you could tell me your thoughts and whether or not what I´m about to tell sounds familiar to you.

We started dating this past August. This was my first relationship and I´d never felt a connection like this with anyone else before. I was instantly idealized. She said things like "I´ve never felt like this before with anyone else" (this is her 5th relationship), "you´re perfect", "I want to be with you forever", "you´re an unalterable man". I was happy, I felt like my life had more meaning and i genuinely loved her. In late October I went through a rough couple of days due to schoolwork. It takes a toll on me, and so when she asked me I told her how i felt. Then she started to say that she was feeling anxious and nervous. That she didn´t feel ok and seeing me bad was affecting her. The next day she said that she had to leave me, because the relationship was too much, that me being bad was going to impact her in her studies and she couldn´t allow for it. She also said that she felt she wasn´t going to be able the girlfriend that she wanted to be. I tried to talk to her because non of that was true, it was all made up in her mind. I remember at that point she blamed me of not listening to her, being an asshole and selfish because I didn´t see she couldn´t carry on . It´s ironic that she blames me of being selfish when SHE is the one being selfish by breaking up with me because she has to think on herself. She broke up with me.

One month and a half later...

She texted me and said if we could talk. A few days back we were together again. She said she was deeply sorry for what she did to me and thought that I was going to hate her forever. She promised me that it would never happened again. I loved her so I forgave her. This was December.

Everything went fine until February, although there were some things that started to indicate something rough was going on. For example, one night we were on the phone and I had the TV playing in the background. When I hunged up she texted me "there was a voice". I said that it was the TV. She started to feel bad and didn´t believe me. She genuinely thought I was with someone else. The next day she was still sad and I felt bad about myself.

In Febraury one day she asked me about my previous "experiences". This was my first relationship so I told her that, and I also mentioned some other girl I met in the past, eventhough I had nothing with them or even real intentions. I tried to be honest. One girl stood out to her. When my dog died two years ago I kept her ashes and I looked for someone who could make a portrait of her to put it next to the ashes. I found a girl who lived in my same city and I asked her to make the portrait. I met her the day she gave it to me and we had a drink. There was nothing else, I haven´t seen her again ever since. Well, the next day my ex started to ask me for this girl. That why did I mention her, that she was 100% sure that I wanted to PLEASE READ her. She said things like "I´m sorry for not being as slim as her and having more breasts!!", "I don´t care what you do, go and PLEASE READ her now!!". I tried to explain to her what happened but it didn´t work, at all. She said that I was talking in circles and lying. She had already made up her mind that I was attracted to that girl because apparently I was "describing her" all the time. Because in August i once said that fringes are ok and I like curly hair (my ex´s hair is curly). She even said to me "I´m not special for you. You are with me because you don´t want to be alone and I´m the first one that was worked for you". I was desperate as you might imagine. That episode went on for like 5 days. In all those arguments I was the one who had to end up apologizing for doing nothing. She always threatened me with not forgiving me, with me being an asshole that treated her like PLEASE READ. One night she called me crying and yelling saying that why she wasn´t enough for me. I tried to calm her down but she kept blaming me for how she felt. She didn´t let me talk so I got anxious and hunged up. She later called me furious saying that I had let her down when she was needed and all she wanted was me to support her (that´s what I was trying to do). Funny how she can say that when she broke up with me when I told her that I was having a rough time. Anyway, she then said  that she wasn´t going to forgive me for this, that she didn´t want a boyfriend that "abandones" her when she feels bad. I said that it wasn´t fair, that I was able to forgive her when she left me in the past eventhough it deeply hurt me. Then she started crying. The next day we talked and it looked like everything could go back to normal, although she first said that after me saying that she didn´t know if that could happen, after a long conversation where I was broken and emotionally drained, she said "I promise to never do this again, I´ll always be there for you". Later on she brought it up again saying that she felt threatened by me when I said that I forgave her, but i´ll let that for another post.

There´s a lot more but i don´t want it to be too long. I´ll make another post. From that moment I started to walk on eggshells on a regular basis, feeling anxious and questioning my own self and reality. Was it that bad saying that I forgave her when she told me she was never going to forgive me for hunging up the phone once? She hunged up to me like 6 times before that! Those are questions that are still rumbling in my head to this day. I´d be grateful If you could give me your thoughts so far, because I feel guilty.

[once removed]

honestly?

it sounds like you were seeing someone with deep insecurities that make it very challenging to be in a relationship with her.

bpdish stuff for sure, though its hard to say to what extent, vs say, emotional immaturity, or both. a lot of things both look like bpd, and go hand in hand with it, like an insecure attachment style.

I feel guilty.

what do you feel guilty for?

[NamelessMan]

honestly?

it sounds like you were seeing someone with deep insecurities that make it very challenging to be in a relationship with her.

bpdish stuff for sure, though its hard to say to what extent, vs say, emotional immaturity, or both. a lot of things both look like bpd, and go hand in hand with it, like an insecure attachment style.

what do you feel guilty for?

The reason I suspect it could be BPD is because there have been more episodes ever since. I want to explain it in another post as this was getting too long.

I feel guilty for saying that I forgave her when she said that she wasn´t going to forgive me. She said that hurt her and since i said that she didn´t see me the same. That´s when the devaluation started. A part of me believes that I didn´t manage the situation properly and the outcome could´ve been different.

[Pook075]

[quote author=NamelessMan link=topic=3060316.msg13227585#msg13227585 She also said that she felt she wasn´t going to be able the girlfriend that she wanted to be. I tried to talk to her because non of that was true, it was all made up in her mind. I remember at that point she blamed me of not listening to her, being an asshole and selfish because I didn´t see she couldn´t carry on .
[/quote]

Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it does have a BPD feel to it.  While nobody can help with a diagnosis, the advice for this type of push/pull relationship works regardless.

In your first real argument, you said that you were struggling with school stuff.  Yet in her mind, she heard it as, "He's struggling with school because of me, I'm the problem here and I'm ruining all of this." 

Maybe there was a shred of truth to that, maybe not, but that's how a BPD person might think in a moment where they feel rejected or insecure.  They take their own internal feelings and turn it into something someone else must be thinking.  It's a highly self-destructive trait.

Once she reached out to you, and in future arguments about the portrait artist, all she wanted to hear was, "I love you and I'm choosing you."

I know that sounds bizarre because that's not what she was saying.  But emotionally, she was screaming that and the words coming out of her mouth just didn't align because she was unstable in those moments.  Her feelings were everywhere and coming out as blame.

It's so natural to defend unfair blame.  But in your case, in this relationship, you have to read between the lines and see what's really going on with your girlfriend- she's her own worst enemy due to jealousy and insecurity.

How do you feel about that?  Does it make sense at all?  To me, it's not something you should feel guilty about because you didn't have any idea what was actually going on.

[NamelessMan]

[quote author=NamelessMan link=topic=3060316.msg13227585#msg13227585 She also said that she felt she wasn´t going to be able the girlfriend that she wanted to be. I tried to talk to her because non of that was true, it was all made up in her mind. I remember at that point she blamed me of not listening to her, being an asshole and selfish because I didn´t see she couldn´t carry on .


Hello and welcome to the family!  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it does have a BPD feel to it.  While nobody can help with a diagnosis, the advice for this type of push/pull relationship works regardless.

In your first real argument, you said that you were struggling with school stuff.  Yet in her mind, she heard it as, "He's struggling with school because of me, I'm the problem here and I'm ruining all of this." 

Maybe there was a shred of truth to that, maybe not, but that's how a BPD person might think in a moment where they feel rejected or insecure.  They take their own internal feelings and turn it into something someone else must be thinking.  It's a highly self-destructive trait.

Once she reached out to you, and in future arguments about the portrait artist, all she wanted to hear was, "I love you and I'm choosing you."

I know that sounds bizarre because that's not what she was saying.  But emotionally, she was screaming that and the words coming out of her mouth just didn't align because she was unstable in those moments.  Her feelings were everywhere and coming out as blame.

It's so natural to defend unfair blame.  But in your case, in this relationship, you have to read between the lines and see what's really going on with your girlfriend- she's her own worst enemy due to jealousy and insecurity.

How do you feel about that?  Does it make sense at all?  To me, it's not something you should feel guilty about because you didn't have any idea what was actually going on.

Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate it.  I had those rough days because of burnout and it takes a toll on me when it hits. I know I have a problem with that but I think it´s not bad if you tell your partner how you feel.

Regarding the argument about the portrait lady. I did tell her over and over  that I did love her more than anything in my life (because that´s how I genuinely felt), that I didn´t like/feel attracted to anyone else. That I didn´t think about anyone else but her, that there was no one else in my life. Not just once, I constantly repeated those words. Sometimes even by text. But she didn´t listen, she was in crisis. I also remember that in those arguments she always reached a point where her mood changed. A point of realization of what she was doing followed by apologies, tears and more unnecessary drama completely made up in her twisted mind.  In one of those she asked me "do you think that I´ve gone too far", I said "yes" and she got mad at me again. Blaming me, saying that I mistreated her, that she wasn´t going to forgive me for saying that etc. When someone that has dumped you in the past like that says "I´m not going to forgive you" you get anxious, nervous and start to feel fear (at least that happened to me when I heard those words for doing nothing).