Split.

[Popcorn27]

Hi,

I found this girl in college and we hung out as friends and soon it became romantic. We spent a lot of time together but as soon as I said I liked her she wanted to stop any physical things together. We still hung out with another friend of ours a lot but slowly it started to disappear. Throughout this I was having a hard time after we stopped and she could tell and we talked about it multiple times. At first she said idk if I can ever be in a relationship with you, then no never I don’t like you. After I saw my emotions were bothering her I tried to step away for a few weeks and told her I need space so I can feel better and not hurt her anymore. A week later I was told to do to the deans office and me and her and the friend who only knew about us for a couple weeks, talked. It ended with her saying I scared her and said things that were bad and whatever. Just two weeks earlier we were completely happy. She trusted me with everything, felt safe around me, and I’m almost certain I was one of her favorite people. I texted her a few weeks ago and she blocked me on iMessage but nowhere else. It’s been about two and a half months and her birthday is in a few weeks. I miss her and was always understanding and cared for her even when she split. She is in therapy and is very aware of her bpd and is so empathetic to other people.

Is it likely she will come back? Do splits normally end?

It’s been hard for me going into depressive states but recently have gotten a little better through my own therapy.

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hi there Popcorn27 and

That must have been a really meaningful relationship for you, with lots of positives, so it makes sense that you're wondering and hoping about reconnecting with her. Lots of members here have been in similar situations, so you're definitely not alone.

Tell us a little more about the timeline, if you can. When did the two of you meet? How long was the "hanging out as friends" phase? How long was it "romantic" before you said you liked her?

Having the dean's office involved sounds serious. Did that get resolved?

Is it likely she will come back? Do splits normally end?

It's hard to say, because even when a partner or ex has BPD, they're still a unique human being, so there's no "one size fits all" answer.

The fact that she didn't block you everywhere might indicate that she doesn't (right now) feel the need to put up really high walls for her own emotional protection. Occasionally, pwBPD in that position may reach out later, but it's hard to predict.

When you texted her and she blocked you on iMessage, did she say anything about that? Anything like "don't text me again" etc?

It’s been hard for me going into depressive states but recently have gotten a little better through my own therapy.

Really good to hear you're working on yourself in therapy. What has your therapist thought about your situation?

...

Feel free to keep reading, posting, and learning here -- we have a section of articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup that's a good place to start.

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

[Popcorn27]

Hi Kell,

We first met in a class but didn’t really talk and then around September or October my friend (he’s gay) asked her to eat dinner with us. We hung out every few weeks at that point but once january came we all were almost together all the time. Around late January to early February it became romantic and about late February to march I said I liked her. We all still did things together after and I was still close with her. She would still want to be around me, wore one of my sweatshirts, got me a flower for Valentine’s Day for free on campus randomly, we even went to her house and stayed the night.

The deans office was requested by her to mitigate the conversation. I assume it was because she was scared and emotional or her therapist could have said something. Nothing came out of it except the conversation. It’s all resolved with that. She did unfollow me on instagram after I posted when I normally don’t about my graduation. (I live five minutes from campus) and idk when but she did unfriend me on Snapchat. When I messaged her saying I still care and miss her and stuff there was nothing she texted back she just blocked. My friend did convince her to block her abusive ex months ago when he was texting her and I know they talked about me when I sent the message so maybe he did the same because she dragged him into thinking I’m a bad person. He also wanted no contact with me. My therapist has said he is skeptical about her coming back but also said it’s still possible. He has also said he isn’t a pro with bpd and doesn’t know as much as some people that work with them. It’s just hard because I know deep down she loves me and I love her. If her split fades to me it seems impossible that she wouldn’t come back.

[Popcorn27]

Also I forgot to add that after the split about a month later she sat behind me at the cafeteria by herself on the phone. A lot of seats we open and she chose to sit behind me after avoiding me mostly.

[Popcorn27]

Hi there Popcorn27 and

That must have been a really meaningful relationship for you, with lots of positives, so it makes sense that you're wondering and hoping about reconnecting with her. Lots of members here have been in similar situations, so you're definitely not alone.

Tell us a little more about the timeline, if you can. When did the two of you meet? How long was the "hanging out as friends" phase? How long was it "romantic" before you said you liked her?

Having the dean's office involved sounds serious. Did that get resolved?

It's hard to say, because even when a partner or ex has BPD, they're still a unique human being, so there's no "one size fits all" answer.

The fact that she didn't block you everywhere might indicate that she doesn't (right now) feel the need to put up really high walls for her own emotional protection. Occasionally, pwBPD in that position may reach out later, but it's hard to predict.

When you texted her and she blocked you on iMessage, did she say anything about that? Anything like "don't text me again" etc?

Really good to hear you're working on yourself in therapy. What has your therapist thought about your situation?

...

Feel free to keep reading, posting, and learning here -- we have a section of articles on Saving a relationship that is in or near breakup that's a good place to start.

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

Sorry idk if I responded to your reply in the last messags or just sent a whole new reply to the discussion. Either way it’s there haha.

[kells76]

Hi Popcorn27,
Good to hear that the stuff at the dean’s office is resolved.
Now that graduation is over, do you have plans to move away, or does she, as far as you know?
Fill us in some more on how the last few weeks have been for you;
kells76

[Popcorn27]

No I live about five minutes from campus and she lives about thirty minutes away. She still has one year left and will live on campus during the school year and I work literally a couple blocks away from campus.

The past couple weeks have been just stagnant. I’ve been waiting and living my life. Until yesterday, her birthday, where she still has me blocked on iMessage and I liked a post on instagram of hers and then she blocked me. Besides the actual deans office meeting she has never talked to me or texted me. It seems that these blocks are purely emotional and just reactions to what I do. I just thought she would be less reactive to only a like at this point but I guess not.

Thanks.

[Pook075]

Is it likely she will come back? Do splits normally end?

Hi Popcorn and welcome to the family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this and it sounds really difficult.

To answer your question directly, splitting is a short-term thing...usually from a few hours up until a few weeks.  And what it means is thinking in absolutes, "He always says this" or "He never did that."  Those instances are rarely factual, but their mind processes information that way...even if you can prove otherwise.

For instance, one time my BPD ex was screaming at me and said, "You never cook food for me...ever!"  Yet she was sitting there eating a veggie omelette that I had made for her about 15 minutes earlier.  Yet my ex stood by her statement and was enraged that I'd dare try to defend myself.

Once the splitting ends, that doesn't mean their memories instantly transform and see things from the opposite spectrum.  It just means they're no longer seeing in black and white (all good or bad).  The damage is still there and the only way forward is re-establishing trust.

For your other question, is she likely to come back...that's impossible to answer.  In BPD relationships, the odds are pretty good that there will be a chance for reconciliation since they tend to operate in circular patterns.  But whether or not she'll trust you again is anyone's guess.

How long have you been in therapy?  And how are you filling your time currently?

[Popcorn27]

Hi Pook075,

Thank you.

How long have you been in therapy?  And how are you filling your time currently?

I’ve been in therapy with this trauma informed therapist for about two years. Before that it was just a general anxiety therapist which helped a lot for about a year.

Also right now I’m just trying to pass time by doing anything I can that seems fun to me. Video games, reading, tv, working out, chores, friends. I’m working a month long summer camp starting in a week so that should help pass the time by faster.

She never seemed like someone who had bpd until the split on me. I never noticed her having these mini splits. I feel like a lot of my hope rests in that we had a really good connection which is probably why she split anyways and the fact that she’s in therapy and her bpd doesn’t seem as severe as some others I have read about. But obviously it’s been three months and the only contact has been her blocking me even more.

[Pook075]

I’ve been in therapy with this trauma informed therapist for about two years. Before that it was just a general anxiety therapist which helped a lot for about a year.

Also right now I’m just trying to pass time by doing anything I can that seems fun to me. Video games, reading, tv, working out, chores, friends. I’m working a month long summer camp starting in a week so that should help pass the time by faster.

All good stuff and the summer job sounds like fun!  As long as you're getting out of the house some and getting in exercise, you're on a good path with the help of your therapist.  Part of having a chance of reconciling is being the best possible version of you, and that goes for both physical and mental.  So I'm glad you're focused on both!

She never seemed like someone who had bpd until the split on me. I never noticed her having these mini splits. I feel like a lot of my hope rests in that we had a really good connection which is probably why she split anyways and the fact that she’s in therapy and her bpd doesn’t seem as severe as some others I have read about. But obviously it’s been three months and the only contact has been her blocking me even more.

My ex wife and daughter both had BPD, but they acted completely different.  My kid was traditional BPD with everything outward in explosive anger, while my wife was quiet and reserved....preferring to suffer in silence and hide all her pain.  Both went through the same thing, they just processed it differently so it doesn't look the same.

Quiet BPD is vastly more common and it's rarely diagnosed.  Yet the end result is often the same with the sudden, explosive breakup.

Keep your head up though and focus inward on your own wellbeing.  You'll eventually have another conversation and I hope it works out the way you want it to.

[Popcorn27]

Thanks again Pook,

Keep your head up though and focus inward on your own wellbeing.  You'll eventually have another conversation and I hope it works out the way you want it to.

I really do hope I will have the chance to talk to her again. Right now it just seems so hard to believe in that chance because of the blocking although I know that could change. im Not even worried what happens if we talk again because I know her and if we get to that point I believe things will work out. It’s just getting to that point that has me worried.

Thanks for the help.