Adult daughter with BPD

[Gailstone]

Hello everyone, I have not posted for several years. Our adult daughter has the diagnosis of BPD. She and I are both psychotherapists and understand the disorder and treatment. The chaos from her has gone on more than 20 years. We have been supportive, put up healthy boundaries, had seasons where she was healthy and less chaotic, etc. To make a long story short recently my husband and I took our adult children and grandchildren on vacation and our daughter was very kind and well adjusted until the trip home when she created drama with her adult brother ultimately leading to her filing a protection order against him for herself and her children. This has created more drama than I can handle. She has made the grandchildren afraid of our son and now us. I have prayed and have my friends praying, rely on my faith and coping skills, but it’s starting to affect my health. My husband and I are discussing moving out of the area just to find some peace. I appreciated any advice. Thank you

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Notwendy]

As someone in your age range- with adult children, I wanted to add some perspective on your decision to move farther from your BPD daughter.

It seems that both of you understand the dynamics and the situation, and that there are periods of stability. Yet, the relationship is stressful to the point of affecting your emotional and physical well being.

A main consideration is protecting your mental and physical health and if moving away is necessary to do this, then do what you need to do.

In my own situation, with a now deceased BPD mother, I lived several hours drive from my parents. My father got ill and I wanted to help. My imagined scenario is that I'd move my parents closer to me as it was more difficult to help from a distance however, I had not spent a lot of time with my BPD mother and didn't have an idea of what that would be like. I even looked at several retirement/assisted living places near me. My parents refused that suggestion.

As much as I loved my father and wanted to help- due to BPD mother's behavior, visiting them to help them was an abusive situation and I had to have boundaries with that.

Some time after Dad passed, BPD mother decided she wanted to move near me. I knew it would be an abusive situation and I told her I didn't want her to do that. I realized that for me, being at a physical distance from her was a necessary boundary. I was still in contact with her,  but being at a distance allowed me to have boundaries that would have been more difficult to manage if I lived closer.

For your situation- moving has pros and cons. Do you also live near your other child and grandchildren? Moving away will make it more difficult for you to see each other. Even though you are younger than my parents were at the time, you would also leave your friends, support system and familiar surroundings. Is it worth changing the amount of time you get to spend with your other adult child(ren) to get some distance from your BPD daughter?

I understand it's been chaotic but was your D's behavior more manageable before the family trip? Although we think of a vacation with extended family as a good thing- it also can be an unstablizing situation for a person with BPD. With my BPD mother- family events were stressful. They are a change in routine, a change in familiar settings and relating to people- all increase stress. An emotionally stable person might be able to handle this but possibly not your D with BPD.

Lots to think about and balance. You deserve some peace and if moving helps attain that- then do so. I'd also speak to your other children about it and see how they feel if this means being farther away from them.