Blocked after a long push-pull

[mamahelp]

Hi everyone. I’m 20 and my ex-girlfriend is 17. I know we’re young, but we were both diagnosed with BPD and had a very intense 1.5-year relationship.

She broke up with me 10 months ago, during a time when we were both emotionally overwhelmed. I believe she split me then — I begged for weeks and went through repeated cycles of blocking and unblocking. Then she got into a relationship with another guy.

That relationship lasted about 2–3 months. After it ended, she came back into my life. We didn’t officially get back together, but we started talking again, dating, and were physically intimate. However, after we had sex again, she suddenly withdrew and got involved with another new guy in february.

Even during that next relationship, she kept contacting me weekly, and continued reading my private TikTok messages (she has got a private tiktok account where i texted her daily for 10 month)—  I shared supportive updates about my day (like “Hope you're doing okay — I’m with my dad today”). It helped me cope. She wore the jewelry I gave her and interacted with me regularly — even while being with someone else.

In February, she entered another new relationship. March would have been our 2-year anniversary. Even while with her new boyfriend, she kept responding to me weekly and interacting — which gave me hope.

But about a week ago, she suddenly sent a “final” message and blocked me on everything. She stopped wearing my ring, changed the vape I gave her, and deleted all signs of me. It felt like she completely erased me.

That hit me really hard, and I started missing her even more. We used to streak on Snapchat, and 1-2 month ago she sent a streak from a place we had been together, or sent a picture of the ring I gave her.
The last streak she sent showed her boyfriend — wearing my hoodie that i gaved her. I didn’t respond because I didn’t want to argue. The next day, she blocked me.

What's confusing is that she still has some of my things: my laptop, a bag that belongs to my mother, and more. If she really wanted closure, why wouldn’t she just give them back and say goodbye properly? I don’t understand.

It hurts deeply because I thought I still mattered. After all the connection we had, after her coming back multiple times… how could she suddenly shut me out like this?

Do you think this was another BPD split?
Or did her new boyfriend pressure her to block me?
Is this truly final — or just another part of the BPD push–pull cycle?

Thank you for reading. I appreciate any thoughts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Under The Bridge]

What's confusing is that she still has some of my things: my laptop, a bag that belongs to my mother, and more. If she really wanted closure, why wouldn’t she just give them back and say goodbye properly? I don’t understand.

It hurts deeply because I thought I still mattered. After all the connection we had, after her coming back multiple times…

Hello and welcome, we can appreciate what you're going through as we've all tbeen through it, as BPD usually follows a very predictable script.

BDP's fear being alone and it's a sad part of their illness that their actions often drive people away so they do end up alone - the very thing they dread. Some BPD's do break up for good and never bother their ex-partner again but more common is the fact that they will often try and 'stay in the picture' and hold you in reserve. They may not want you at this particular time but they still want you as an option and so will keep some sort of contact or hope you'll contact them so they know you're still interested and are there if they have nothing better on the horizon.

Is this truly final — or just another part of the BPD push–pull cycle?

It's definitely part of the cycle as a lot of people experience this, whether this is the final cut-off remains to be seen as she may re-contact in the future, even after a considerable time has passed.

It depends how far you're willing to go to continue the game - and 'game' is what it can become if we let it. I went through the 'break up, time apart then reconnect' thing many times in my own 4-year relationship until I decided things would never change. Then the next time she broke up with me I stopped chasing and made sure it was the end. I did this for my own mental sanity as it was wearing me down.

I would say look at how she's been so far - that will give you a fair indication of what the future is going to be like. As I said, it's down to you how much you're prepared to endure if the relationship continues like this.  One good thing is that you're very young so it may be better to put this all down to experience and seek someone more stable. I know that's hard to think about right now, when you think of the good times you've had but in years to come you may realise that you dodged a bullet.

Best wishes, whatever you decide. We're here to support you.

[once removed]

After all the connection we had, after her coming back multiple times… how could she suddenly shut me out like this?

because, and i say this gently, that connection was tenuous at best.

you have both been clinging to vestiges of a relationship because it was emotionally easier than letting go - grieving and mourning.

for that reason, youve invested a lot in those vestiges; its not surprising that blocking you out of nowhere and cutting you off would hurt a lot. but its a situation that, again, was tenuous at best, and ultimately not sustainable.

If she really wanted closure, why wouldn’t she just give them back and say goodbye properly? I don’t understand.

because if neither of you were capable of this before, why would she suddenly be?

it may not make a lot of practical sense, but its far easier emotionally to remove signs of a person and preoccupy yourself with a new, budding relationship, than it is to finalize an old one.

how could she suddenly shut me out like this?

what it sounds like from here is that she chose to invest in the new relationship. its not closure, per se, that she was seeking. it was pragmatism.

But about a week ago, she suddenly sent a “final” message and blocked me on everything.

what did she say in her final message? did she give you any reasoning for the block?

[mamahelp]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I really appreciate it.
Right now, I don’t fully feel ready to move on yet — it still feels very fresh and heavy for me emotionally.
I know you're right about the cycle and the emotional cost of staying in it, and I’m trying to be honest with myself about how much I can handle.
Your words gave me a lot to think about. Thank you again for your support.

[mamahelp]

Thanks for asking. Her final message was calm and respectful — she thanked me for everything I did for her: the time we spent together, the gifts, even the liquids I gave her for her vape.
She said she was grateful for both the good and bad we went through, and that she hopes I find someone loving in the future, someone I can build a family with.
Then she said she’ll handle everything on her own from now on and doesn’t need my help anymore. She ended it with “take care of yourself.”

There was no anger, no fight — but right after that message, she blocked me everywhere. That’s what made it feel so emotionally confusing.
It sounded peaceful on the surface, but it hit me like a total shutout.

[Under The Bridge]

Though her final message might have seemed like she was writing in a calm and competent manner, she could also be writing according to her emotional state at the time - in which she currently sees you as 'black' - and her thoughts could change next hour, next day, etc. Next week her new b/f might now be the 'bad' one and so she'll turn to you again. You simply never know with BPD.

If you're satisfied that youve done everything you can then I would wait and see if she contacts you again. I assume that you can't contact her if she's blocked all your social media accounts? If you still have some way then you could continue to contact her but as I said earlier, this may just give her confirmation that you're still there as an option to fall back on.

You want her to contact you because it's what she truly wants, not just because she has nothing better at the moment.

Plus continuing to contact her can trigger her 'overwhelmed' emotions and make her withdraw even more. Hard to win sometimes. That was the hardest thing I found when in a BPD relationship; too little effort and they think you don't care, while too much effort scares them away.

She may unblock you at any time, who knows? Don't block her on anything, leave the way open for her to reach out. Things can change quickly so hope for the best. In the meantime, try and concentrate on yourself, hard though that is.

[mamahelp]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response.
Yes, she blocked me on everything — maybe because she’s overwhelmed right now, or maybe because her new boyfriend, who seems very controlling and narcissistic, pushed her to do so.

The sad part is how much she’s changed. He keeps posting pictures of them all over TikTok, Instagram, everywhere — and she’s going along with it. But it doesn't feel like her. It feels like she’s acting in a way that’s completely out of character.

In just two months, they’ve posted more photos together than she ever did with me in a year and a half.

I’m starting to believe she’ll eventually get tired of all this overexposure and superficial “social media love.” With him, it’s all about control and image.
With me, it was about something quieter — peaceful, private, deep.

I think all I can do now is wait. Maybe one day she’ll see who he really is… or remember who she really is.