Vacation and Silent Treatment

[TelHill]

I returned from my trip a few days ago. There was a new document listed which detailed change of ownership. The attorney failed to attach some documents so this change is in limbo and unviewable by me. I don’t know if this was on purpose since it was done while I was there and my brother and cousins knew the dates of my trip.

The clerk told me to get an affidavit from my father (witnessed by a notary public) which has him giving me ownership upon his death. She told me many people share the same concerns and this document would circumvent problems.

I’ll do this but will still hire an attorney. I don’t trust my brother or cousins. They are dying to push me out.

One of my cousins(disordered - malingerer, sex addict& narcissist tendencies) has handled negotiations of land our family has on the market on his own, failing to tell any of the listed owners. The sale fell through. The other relatives found out after the fact and told me to tell my dad.

 This cousin also has a plot of land for sale. It could be from the other side of his family. A mutual cousin told me this in confidence. My instinct tells me this land belongs to our family. Nobody wants to stand up to this disordered guy.   There’s a rumor he stole funds from a charity for my parents’ hometown. There’s other unsavory rumors about him. I’m afraid to tell my dad this land may belong to the family as he will enable the thievery if that’s the case.

My brother’s former stepdaughter was difficult. She demanded attention from my relatives and became combative when they paid attention to me.She looked angry at me most of the time.  I stayed out of the way since I didn’t want trouble.They went out and never invited me. They would leave and say nothing. I didn’t want to invite them anywhere after a few times of this. She told me to buy some furniture and a vacuum cleaner for the house. I didn’t say anything like that to her. I was polite and cooperative. Their behavior hurt my feelings.

 The problem lies with my brother. I’m fairly sure he told her he would gift her my share of the house. It’s a way to hurt me and make me look bad to the rest of the family if I overreact. I don’t know what I ever did to have him dislike me so much. It’s been like this since I was a child.

There were two people who were friendly to me a few years ago and looked angry when I waved hello. I assume my brother or disordered cousin smeared me. It’s painful but I let it go. It creates more harm than good to correct this.

I had a good time otherwise. There were relatives who were kind to me and that was appreciated. I’m glad I went.

[Notwendy]

I think it's a good idea to have the affidavit from your father ( and get an attorney too)- not just for the property but so you are assured of your father's wishes. You know what your brother wants but you need to know what your father wants.

Even if there's an eventual dispute over the property- you having that paper is an affirmation of what your father wants, regardless of what your brother does or says. That has emotional significance for you.

[zachira]

The flying monkeys who enable the disordered sometimes illegal behaviors of the golden child and narcissistic family members can be the most painful of all. I am in my cottage for a few weeks now, and the smear campaign never stops. Yesterday I was asked to make peace with a grifter who used to work for the HOA, so she would come back and work for us. I was given unsolicited advice by a relative, told that I could have relationships if I choose to do so with my disordered relatives (who have supported my sister with NPD 100 percent without ever having any empathy for my side of the story). I understand your wanting the cottage and how hard it is to put up with the flying monkeys and all the legal challenges. I have found making friends with the right people in the community, the type of people who judge others based on their own long term interactions with them, to be a very rewarding experience and overall they are people who have long term loving relationships with family and close friends. I also understand your wanting the cottage and being willing to do the hard work to make sure it is yours once your father is gone. Your golden child brother will likely be like my golden child sister, never stop doing what he can to make sure he continues to be the one in control of the narrative. You on the other hand, have an inner strength and experience from all you have learned from being  the scapegoat. Already, you are way ahead in living a meaningful happy life in ways your brother can never attain. With time your brother will become more exposed, though he will always have certain flying monkeys who are similar to him, who benefit from supporting the family dysfunction while losing out in the long term because of their inability/unwillingness to take responsibility for how they choose to live their lives. Hopefully, you will eventually inherit the cottage. Now that I have the cottage, my sister is not around as much as she no longer owns property in this community, and this has made life considerably easier for me, though the flying monkey are still a challenge and will likely always be.

[ForeverDad]

You can find a notary in many businesses.  Banks, libraries, lawyer's offices, etc regularly need papers to be notarized.

If your father is in a care facility or similar, it may be good to have the notary visit him.  They might even have a notary on staff.  If at all possible, use a notary that you can contact later in case of a future dispute.

Such a statement to be made official should be created or at least vetted by your lawyer, since there is a higher than usual risk of it being contested, such as your brother later claiming to have his own signed documents with differing allocations or claims your father didn't know what he was doing, etc.

Does your father have someone assigned with power of attorney?  It can be a limited PofA for specific items, property or whatever, ask a lawyer on the appropriate options.

[TelHill]

I think it's a good idea to have the affidavit from your father ( and get an attorney too)- not just for the property but so you are assured of your father's wishes. You know what your brother wants but you need to know what your father wants.

Even if there's an eventual dispute over the property- you having that paper is an affirmation of what your father wants, regardless of what your brother does or says. That has emotional significance for you.

Thanks, notwendy. These are the wishes of my father. I would have abided by whatever he wanted. I have a name of an attorney in that foreign country which a relative gave me.

I am glad to have practiced tools to not let my brother’s behavior upset me or have it be used as evidence to smear my character.  I felt blindsided about his greed trying to take my home. I understand the quiet, passive aggressive sort of BPD much better now. I’ll deal with it as long as my dad is alive. I don’t want to see him again after our father and mother pass away. I would like things to be different but I don’t trust him. He tried to destroy my life — telling me I was too old to work, smearing me to a potential friend group within the church. He knew I was doing this and would be the only one to say something with his ties to a local seminary and clergy.

The flying monkeys who enable the disordered sometimes illegal behaviors of the golden child and narcissistic family members can be the most painful of all. I am in my cottage for a few weeks now, and the smear campaign never stops

I’m sorry, zachira. I think some disordered people are excited and pleased to break the law and smear others. I find it very painful to be around these people too. This is not me at all and I want to run when around it. My compassion ceases to exist  around potential fraudsters and jailbirds. In my family, this is often accompanied by excessive alcohol and cannabis.

Yesterday I was asked to make peace with a grifter who used to work for the HOA, so she would come back and work for us. I was given unsolicited advice by a relative, told that I could have relationships if I choose to do so with my disordered relatives (who have supported my sister with NPD 100 percent without ever having any empathy for my side of the story).

I was watching a YT video by a young woman who was trafficked as a child. This is being called the ‘bad guy’ by those who want to tear down your boundaries. If you grow up in a dysfunctional home, the scapegoat is called the bad guy for not complying. I’ve internalized this early in my life and would people please to get rid of my feelings of being a bad guy and a terrible person for not complying with a bully’s demands. I’m glad you’re setting boundaries and not giving into schemes which are against your moral beliefs.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Db-9FsQ6Ehw

Already, you are way ahead in living a meaningful happy life in ways your brother can never attain. With time your brother will become more exposed, though he will always have certain flying monkeys who are similar to him, who benefit from supporting the family dysfunction while losing out in the long term because of their inability/unwillingness to take responsibility for how they choose to live their lives. Hopefully, you will eventually inherit the cottage. Now that I have the cottage, my sister is not around as much as she no longer owns property in this community, and this has made life considerably easier for me, though the flying monkey are still a challenge and will likely always be.

Thanks zachira. I’m trying not to be effected by my brother’s behavior to the point that I lose my temper. That obscures my true self. It gives credibility to the smear campaign. I want peace in my life and concentrate on loving friends…and owning the cottage in my name only.

You can find a notary in many businesses.  Banks, libraries, lawyer's offices, etc regularly need papers to be notarized.

If your father is in a care facility or similar, it may be good to have the notary visit him.  They might even have a notary on staff.  If at all possible, use a notary that you can contact later in case of a future dispute.

Such a statement to be made official should be created or at least vetted by your lawyer, since there is a higher than usual risk of it being contested, such as your brother later claiming to have his own signed documents with differing allocations or claims your father didn't know what he was doing, etc.

Does your father have someone assigned with power of attorney?  It can be a limited PofA for specific items, property or whatever, ask a lawyer on the appropriate options.

It makes sense to have the affidavit go through a lawyer and take these extra steps, ForeverDad. I fear I’ll show up at this cottage and/or my parents’ house in the US after they pass with the locks changed. He kicked me out of my parents’ home when my dad was in the hospital. He’s acting like it’s his house already.  My crime was wanting to go home overnight. He said not to return.  That put a chill in my spine.

My brother is not saying he is the POA or not. I think he is. He’s telling me with a smile that I can go to a lawyer if I want. I know he won’t help pay for it and is happy I’ll be out a few hundred. My dad seems happy to do this so I’m happy too. The cost is worth it. I want my dad to be safe and protected.

He’s not in a care home and can walk. Though I think it’s more convenient to have a notary to come to his house.