I’m feeling kind of alone and ashamed of myself. I have had a couple of relationships with people with these personality traits and I really didn’t want to see it in my last girlfriend. The person I was with before lived with me briefly, and verbal and psychological abuse escalated to physical abuse and stalking. I met my next ex through a friend and she seemed caring and supportive. Over time i began to see the cracks and the more I tried to discuss issues, the further she pulled away. She basically ghosted our relationship and I just tried to stay focused on me. I didn’t block her on social media and she showed up at an event I was a part of. I still didn’t stand up to her and even accepted an invitation to go out with her the following week. The night was ok, right up until the end, when I did something (unbeknownst to me) that triggered her. She shamed me and I was a little tipsy and said something snarky. She then stormed off and called me a white bitch. I became enraged and sent a bunch of angry texts. But ultimately said, I didn’t want any contact. She finally picked up her things and dropped mine off through a friend. In my stuff was a nasty letter to me where she tripled down on calling me a bitch, said I misremembered events, and called me evil. I’m just still having aftershocks and am disappointed in myself for not setting clearer boundaries and for losing my self-control. I don’t want to be that person ever- and I don’t want to cause her more suffering. But, I am finding myself replaying the events of that night and the relationship- regretting the times I ignored my gut. I also am afraid that I have this capacity for anger that seems as bad as hers. I also even find myself missing her, despite everything she put me through and said to me. Has anyone else experienced anything similar? Any advice for healing?
It's common for people who were involved with someone with BPD (or CPTSD, anxiety, etc.) to feel traumatized after. Sometimes it's because they have their own issues to work through -- a therapist might be someone to consult.
But in other cases, it's the result of any traumatic incident. If you are of a healthy mental and emotional state and you are sincere, you treat others with sincerity. You take them at their word unless the prove themselves otherwise. You want to see the best in people because you try to give your best.
Someone with BPD (etc.) can be highly manipulative. They can lie repeatedly, starting with presenting a persona that is inauthentic, mirroring the person they've zeroed in on and trying to be what that person wants. This isn't done out of love or affection but out of a need to control. It's not necessary malignant, but it can be. They may not be aware of their actions.
So, when you break up with someone like that, you not only have all the emotional baggage of an ordinary break up, you have to deal with other emotions, too, such as feeling of betrayal and disorientation. You were sincere; they were not (at least not in the same way). You may also feel guilty or embarrassed that you were taken in by someone like that. How could you be so foolish, you might ask yourself, or gullible? What could you have done differently to make the relationship work?
The thing is, it was never a healthy, normal relationship.
Now, if you find yourself getting into relationships with someone with these traits more than once, it may well be a good idea to discuss it with a therapist. You may have predilections that themselves could be worked through to make you stronger and happier in the future. The same might be true of anger issues, though I think missing someone we once had a relationship with is by no means unusual. On some level, I still have some love every woman I've ever had a lengthy relationship with. I'm just not in love with them and understand those relationships are over and am not seeking to rekindle them. Still, every once in a while I may be reminded of one and, for a moment, miss them because of the fondness of a memory. I think that's pretty normal.
But -- and I mean this in the best way possible -- if I read the little snippet about you on your post, you're a minority dating in a minority culture. The dating pool is by nature limited, and there is some evidence BPD (etc.) is more prevalent in the LGBTQ community. So that means the odds of your meeting someone with the condition are greater. It could simply be, for lack of a better term, dumb luck. To heal, though, you want to focus on yourself and moving on. That means, on some level, not thinking about them.
